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Xander:
It's like, "Where's Riley? Oh wait, the Central Republic of
Where-in-the-hell."
Anya: If you ever decide to go, I
want a warning. You know? Big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of
those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole
bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to
cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second, "No! The
red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left,
but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
Xander: Check. Big bomb clock.
Anya: Humans make the same
mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy
dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah blah blah, the next
year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of 'em you
start going, "My goodness, young lady... maybe you're doing something
wrong here too."
Buffy: So, um... about being a nun...
you know, um, with the whole abjuring the company of men? You know, how's
that working for you? The... abjuring?
Nun: Um... good.
Buffy: Yeah, do you have to be, like, super-religious?
Nun: Well, uh...
Buffy: How's the food?
Buffy (to Giles):
It's just I trust these Watchers about as far as... you could throw them.
Buffy (about Riley):
I'm doin' all right. These things happen. People break up, and they move
on. For a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but big
picture—
Giles: Not so huge?
Buffy: Not so huge?! I just said it felt like the end of the world,
don't you listen?
(Giles looks startled.)
Buffy: I'm teasing.
Anya: You're going away for a week?
That's great!
Giles: Yes, yes, everybody seems delighted about it.
Willow: We can come by between
classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system
of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's,
you know... insane.
Tara: I said quirky.
Giles: Dealing with people
requires a certain, uh, finesse.
Anya: I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom!
I can completely lie to the health inspector! I can, you know, distract
him with coy smiles, and bribe him with money and goods!
Buffy: I killed something in a
convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a
welcome distraction.
Buffy (to Dawn):
Stop being insightful. It's creepy.
Spike (holding a box of
chocolates, talking to a mannequin intended to represent Buffy):
Um... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that
place. I didn't mean to... (long pause) Anyway, I know you're
feeling all betrayed — by him, not me. I was trying to help, you
know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help
you. Best intentions. I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking
things are all right while he's toddling halfway round the bend. (He
stares at the mannequin and starts to get increasingly angry.) Oh, I'll
insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a
favor! And you, being dead petty about it — me, getting nothing
but your hatred and your venom and— you ungrateful bitch! Fuc— bitch!
(He loses control and smashes the box of chocolates over the
mannequin's head. He then sighs, picks up the mannequin and replaces it.
He rearranges the wig, picks up the box of chocolate, and tries to stuff
the chocolates back in. He composes himself and faces the mannequin again.
)
Spike: Buffy... there's something I want to tell you.
Willow: You're the fish!
Anya: What?
Willow: Th-the fish in the bowl, in The Cat in the Hat. He
was always saying that the cat shouldn't be there while the mother was
out.
Anya: What are you talking about?
Tara: It's a book. This cat does all this mischief.
Willow: It's so cute! He balances a bunch of stuff, including that
fish in the bowl! A-and— but don't try it for real when you're six,
because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years.
Anya: You're referencing literature I have no way to be familiar
with. You're trying to make me feel left out, and you're stealing!
Willow: I'm not stealing. I-I'm just taking things without paying
for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?
Tara: Willow, maybe we should just pay.
Willow: Anya, Giles would be totally fine with this. Come on, it'll
be fun. We could show you how to do some stuff! You could be floatin'
pencils by the end of the day.
Anya: Sometimes I miss having powers... Oh. Oh! I know what this is!
This is peer pressure! Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco
and-and have drugs!
Willow (imitating Anya):
I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for
goods and/or services!
Anya (very perturbed): Xander, she's pretending to be
me!
Willow (after the troll trashes
the Magic Box): He's not a ball of sunshine!
Anya: Well, I don't know how to
put the top up, I only just figured out what the left pedal does! (She
smiles proudly.) It makes us stop! (She demonstrates, slamming on
the brakes.)
Willow: You don't know how to drive! Why didn't you say you don't
know how to drive?
Anya: Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?
Anya: Now hold on, I'm gonna press
the right pedal harder. I expect us to accelerate.
Olaf (upon bashing a dumpster
with his hammer): Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Puny receptacle!
Olaf: You do well to flee,
townspeople! I will pillage your lands and dwellings! I will burn your
crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters! Ha ha ha!
Mark my words! (He pauses and sniffs the air.) Ooh! Ale! I smell
delicious ale!
Spike (to Olaf, who has just
bumped into him): Hey! Watch it, mate! (Spike takes a look
at him.) Second thought, do what ya like.
Olaf: Bar maid! Bring me stronger
ale! And some plump, succulent babies to eat!
Xander: I'm gonna run get Buffy.
Or maybe you could fight him.
Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring
very much.
Olaf: You there! Do you know where there are babies?
Spike (to Xander): What do ya think, the hospital?
Xander: What? Shut up!
Willow: I wish Buffy was here!
(Buffy runs in.)
Buffy: I'm here!
Willow: I wish I had a million dollars!
Spike: I'm not sampling, I'll have
you know. Just look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but
not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Know you wouldn't like it.
Buffy: You want credit for not feeding on bleeding disaster victims?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Buffy: You're disgusting!
Spike (exasperated): What's it take?!
Anya: There are many humans who
are stranger than me!
Willow: Uh huh. Well, unless I'm really wrong about Crazy Larry
down at the bus stop, he's probably not gonna turn Xander into a troll.
Anya: I know what broke up him and
Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips!
Willow: No, it was not! Well, yes it was so, but... that was a long
time ago, do you think I'd do that again?
Anya: Why not?
Willow: Hello? Gay now!
Olaf (as Xander gets up from a
hit): Ah, you wish for more? Admirable!
Olaf (to Xander): Ha
ha! You fight well, although you are a tiny man.
Xander: You are one crazy troll.
I-I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane
troll logic!
Anya: How can I help?
Willow: Uh, distract him from Buffy. Uh, piss him off.
Anya: I don't know how.
Willow: Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss
off.
Olaf (to Anya): By
God, woman, it's been a thousand years, and yet you are as
aggravating and emasculating as ever you were!
Olaf (to Buffy):
What are you fighting for, minuscule blonde one? Your friends? (He
gestures to Anya and Xander.) These two? They'll never last.
Anyanka is very difficult to live with, and he... he is ludicrous,
and far too breakable. Their love will never last.
Anya: It's possible that he's in
the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or you know,
th-the world without shrimp.
Tara: There's a world without shrimp? I'm allergic.
Anya (to Xander):
Oh, and Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way. You know, 'cause
she's gay. And she's not gonna try to break us up, so, you know, it's all
okay.
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