Dawn:
When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this, and
then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling, "I am the Slayer!
I'm going to get you!"
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up
badly.
Xander: So, what do you wanna do
now, Dawnster? Keeping in mind that I won't chase you because I'm old and
I'm stuffed full of moo goo gai starch.
Anya: Well, we could play that
game again - Life? That was fun.
Dawn: For you. You always win.
Anya: Well... we can make a wager this time. You can give me real
money. That would be different.
Xander (sarcastically): And after we teach her to
gamble, maybe we can all get drunk!
Anya: I don't think the bar would serve her, but we could bring
something in. (To Dawn) Strawberry schnapps tastes just like real
ice cream.
Anya: We have to see the chimp
playing hockey! That's hilarious! The ice is so slippery, and, and monkeys
are all irrational. We have to see this!
Dawn: It's okay. You guys don't
have to make a big deal for me. I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and
Riley can boink.
Xander: No, no, that's not it at all, they just need time to, um,
be tender. Relax.
Anya: He's not very convincing is he?
Dawn: "Alone time"
always translates into "get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud
obnoxious sex."
Anya (softly to Xander): Oh, does that mean we can't?
Joyce (about wearing a wig):
I don't know, Buffy. I think I'd look like I had a cat on my head.
Buffy: But a very well-groomed cat.
Buffy: Come on, wigs are fun! We
can get you a whole bunch of different ones. You know, you can be, like,
Sixties Mom, Action Mom... (wiggles her hips, suggestively) French
Maid Mom.
Joyce: I must be getting better, 'cause you're making fun of me.
Buffy: And I'm sure he'll come
over later looking for a little... Bible study.
Joyce: Well, good. I mean just as long as two of you are spending
some quality time with... the Lord.
Buffy: Every time you show up like
this, you risk all of your parts, you know that?
Spike: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual,
I'm here to help you, and I— are you naked under there?
Buffy: Get out.
Spike: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part, I mean—
Buffy: Get out or I will drop you out head first.
Anya: Who ordered more chickens'
feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the
chicken.
Anya: I'm serious! Maybe we could do a... holiday promotion. One
free with every purchase!
Giles: Oh, yeah. Dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire,
enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet.
Willow: Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep. Painting their
little toenails.
Anya: That's very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just
hear you in private. "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and
strangely literal."
Willow: Anya, I don't say that! No one says that. No one talks that
way.
Anya: There's nothing wrong with my idea anyway. I've been very
good for this store. If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old
man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself.
Giles: I say, that's an exaggeration!
Willow: Anya, you've helped out a lot, but I have too.
Anya: Yes, I forgot about all the vigorous sitting around.
Xander: Anya, you can back off a little. You get paid. Willow's
doing this on her own time.
Anya: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy
life to come in here and get in the way of mine.
Xander: Anya, play nice.
Anya: You know, fine, take her side instead of mine even though I'm
the one who sleeps with you and feeds you, bathes you...
Willow: She bathes you?
Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way, not in a sponge-bath-y
geriatric sort of—
Giles: Please! Stop, I beg of you.
Xander: Well, I guess everybody
jumped ship once the word got out that the Slayer found their crib. (pause)
I just want to apologize for the use of the word "crib."
Spike: Look at you. All afraid I'm
hot for your honey.
Riley: Because you are.
Spike: Well... yeah. But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't
in the picture, you're never gonna be able to hold onto her.
Spike: Come on. You're not the
long haul guy and you know it.
Riley: Shut up.
Spike: You know it. Or else you wouldn't be getting suck jobs from
two-bit vampire trulls. The girl needs some monster in her man... and
that's not in your nature... no matter how low you try to go.
Riley: You actually think you've
got a shot with her?
Spike: No, I don't. Fella's gotta try, though. Gotta do what he
can.
Riley: If you touched her... you know I'd kill you for real.
Spike: If I had this chip outta my head, I'd have killed you long
ago. Ain't love grand?
Spike: Sometimes I envy you so
much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that
close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding
her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent...
No, you got the better deal.
Buffy: Then what? What else do you
want from me, Riley? I've given you everything that I have, I've given you
my heart, my body and soul!
Riley: You say that, but I don't feel it. I just don't feel it.
Buffy: Well, whose fault is that? Because I'm telling you, this is
it. This is me. This is the package. And if it's so deficient that you
need to get your kicks elsewhere... then we really have a problem.
Xander: Take this, for instance.
You don't wanna deal, so you hide? It's not very Slayer-like.
Buffy: Just leave me alone, Xander. You have no idea what's going
on.
Xander: No? Good, so you and Riley aren't imploding? (Buffy
turns to him in surprise) It doesn't take a genius. What I can't
figure out is how you never saw it coming.
Buffy: What? Who told you?
Xander: Nobody told me anything, Buffy. It was right in front of my
Xander face. The guy would do anything for you.
Buffy: The guy got himself bit by a vampire! He lied to me!
He ran around behind my back and almost got himself killed! And now he
tells me that he's leaving with some covert military operation at midnight
unless I convince him not to. Now tell me that you understand.
Because I sure as hell don't.
Xander: You gonna let him go?
Buffy: It's not my decision to make.
Xander: Of course it is.
Buffy: Well, it's not fair!
Xander: Who cares if it's fair? In about twenty minutes, Riley's
gonna disappear, maybe forever, unless you do something to stop him.
Buffy: What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?
Xander: Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here you—
Buffy: I don't even know who he is anymore! I mean, I thought he
was... dependable.
Xander: Dependable? What is he, State Farm?
Buffy: You know what I mean.
Xander: Yeah. I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for
granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to, and take off
when you didn't.
Buffy: Look who's talking. Look who has Anya following him around
like a lovesick puppy.
Xander: Oh boy, is this not about me.
Buffy: Is she more than a convenience? 'Cause that would kinda be a
surprise!
Xander: (angry) If you don't wanna hear what I have to say,
I'll shut up right now.
Buffy: Good, 'cause I don't.
Xander: I lied. See, what I think, you got burned with Angel, then
Riley shows up.
Buffy: I know the story, Xander.
Xander: But you missed the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you've
been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes
along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you. He's risked
everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like
ultimatums? If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't
there, let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if you
really think you can love this guy... I'm talking scary, messy,
no-emotions-barred need... if you're ready for that... then think about
what you're about to lose.
Buffy: Xander...
Xander: Run.
Xander (to Anya): I've
gotta say something, 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love
with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do, the way you
think, the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you.
You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man. I
just thought you might wanna know.
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