DISCLAIMER: The characters in this story belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, WB, FOX, etc., except for those references to characters belonging to Scott Adams, Steven Spielberg/Amblin Entertainment, The Disney Company, or other appropriate copyright holders. The initial idea came from discussions on the xmission mailing list a while back.
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It was a typical day in Sunnydale, California. The sky was cloudy, with a 50% chance of rain, 20% chance of a rain of blood, and 10% chance of a rain of frogs. The vampires were snug in their underground lairs, except for those vampires who'd met the Slayer, and were now snug in ash trays and Ziploc plastic baggies. The Master was plotting to take over the world, unaware of the potential competition from a glasses-wearing dog and two genetically-altered laboratory mice. Buffy Summers, Willow Rosenberg, and Xander Harris were in the high school library, listening to Rupert Giles discuss the vampire legends of ancient Assyria; Willow listening intently, Buffy listening half-heartedly, and Xander not listening at all but looking at Buffy instead. All in all, quite normal; the one thing out of the ordinary was when Buffy walked over to Giles and gave him a passionate kiss on the lips.
Reactions to this varied: Willow's surprised "Buffy?", Xander's exasperated "Oh, not Giles too", Giles' embarrassed "Buffy, you really shouldn't... A Slayer and a Watcher aren't supposed to...", Buffy's confused "I'm sorry, why'd I do that, you're as old as my Dad!", and high-pitched laughter from the little man on top of one of the library shelves.
This little man was a few inches tall, with an oversized head and exaggerated features. When Giles looked up at the source of laughter, a light dawned in his eyes. "Of course, that's why..." he said; "Buffy, grab that!". Still confused, Buffy leaped toward the tiny figure, who disappeared into a ventilation shaft; Buffy bounced off the shelves, did a mid-air somersault, and made a perfect two-point landing.
"Do you think we could have some explanations here?" Xander asked Giles. "What's going on, what was that thing, why did Buffy kiss you, and... and... and why did Buffy kiss you!?"
"I've been wondering that myself, and I'm the one who DID it," Buffy said.
"That creature was an imp," Giles explained. "They're very minor demons, more mischievous than evil. One type of imp can temporarily reduce a person's self-control, causing that person to act on desires he or she would ordinarily suppress."
"Oh, that explains..., wait a minute; WHAT desires?" Xander said.
"Buffy, exactly what were you thinking just before you, um, ..." Giles started to ask.
"Before she locked lips with you," Xander suggested.
"Xander, shush," Buffy said. "Let's see, Giles, you were talking about Austria..."
"Wasn't it Australia?" Xander corrected her.
"No, I think it was Assyria," Willow corrected him.
"Right, Assyria," Buffy continued, "and I was zoning... well, it WAS pretty boring," she added at Giles' stern look. "And I was thinking, well, I guess I noticed that you weren't bad-looking ... for an OLD guy, I mean."
"Is there an 'older man' thing going on here?" Xander asked Buffy. "First, Mr. Vampire of 1776, and now Giles?"
"Well, YOU were interested in an older woman, until you found out she was a giant bug who wanted to bite your head off," Buffy retorted.
"That's completely different, because, um, because...," Xander paused. "Well, because a teenage guy and an older woman is a, you know, a rite of passage thing. A teenage girl and an older man, that's just sick."
"Xander, sometimes you can be such a, such a GUY!," Buffy complained.
At this point, Willow managed to interject, "Shouldn't we let Giles finish explaining what's going on?"
Giles, who had been muttering something about "my own little grocery store, with a 'no adolescents allowed' sign", spoke up. "Right, as I was saying, Buffy, you had, um, thoughts about me. I need to know, was it just an idle whim, or was it a serious feeling?"
"Idle whim, definitely," Buffy said firmly. "Totally idle, totally whimmy."
"Shouldn't that be 'totally whimsical'?" Willow suggested.
"Yes, whimsical, correct," said an exasperated Giles, "but the point is, it wasn't a strong feeling, a real attraction, which means we're in trouble."
"Okay, now," Xander replied, "I REALLY want to know how Buffy NOT having a strong attraction to you means trouble."
Giles colored. "Sorry, what I meant was, an imp like that can normally only get someone to act on an intense feeling, something strongly felt but repressed. If this one caused Buffy to act on what was just a passing thought, a mere whim, then that imp is substantially more powerful than it should be."
"And three guesses why that is," Xander said.
"The Hellmouth?" Willow asked.
"The Hellmouth," Buffy replied.
"The Hellmouth or some being associated with it," Giles elaborated. "Something is boosting that imp's power, and that's dangerous."
"We're not talking end-of-the-world again, are we?" Buffy asked.
"No," Giles replied, "but the potential problems are considerable. For example, how would we explain to Principal Snyder if he had caught Buffy kissing me?"
"We'd could say it's part of a secret science experiment we're conducting," Xander offered.
"Or we could say it wasn't really Buffy; it was her identical cousin," was Willow's suggestion.
"Where do you two GET this stuff?" Buffy asked.
"Nick at Night, 'I Dream of Jeannie' reruns," Xander explained.
"I was watching Patty Duke," Willow added.
"Much as I admire the eternal wisdom of American situation comedy," Giles said sarcastically, "I doubt if it offers a relevant solution in this case. For one thing, this is not just a matter of us getting into trouble. Imps like this usually come in groups, so there are probably more of them around. Picture a whole school full of teenagers acting on their slightest whims: risk-taking, aggressive, even sexual."
"Adolescence to the max," Buffy said in an awed tone. "That sounds VERY not good. Okay, how do we deal with these imps? The usual stake, crossbow, fire deal?"
"They're imps, not vampires," Giles replied. "Just find one, grab it, put it in a box, and bring it here. If I can examine one, I should be able to determine how the imps got here, and how to banish them."
"Um, where would we FIND an imp?" Willow asked hesitantly.
"They should be around the school somewhere; it's usual for them to concentrate on a single locale," Giles answered. "Look for people who are doing something impulsive; at least, more impulsive than adolescents usually do. Stop the people from doing anything too dangerous, grab the imp, bring it here, a straightforward procedure. And try to concentrate on what you're doing. If you get distracted, the imp could send you off on a tangent doing who-knows-what."
"Like excessive kissing," Xander suggested. "Maybe Buffy and I should stay together, just in case, so if she gets, um, affected again, there'll be a sympathetic and understanding friend to deal with it, rather than some stranger who'll totally misinterpret things."
This time the warning "Xander..." came from all three of the others simultaneously. "Okay, right, I'm going," Xander said, and he headed out the door while muttering "Everybody else gets to kiss her, even Giles gets to kiss her, but if I want a chance..." Buffy and Willow followed, splitting up to search the school, while Giles went into the stacks, to look up procedures for dealing with an infestation of imps.
* * *
Searching the high school for evidence of imp activity, Buffy eventually spotted Mr. Hawkins, one of her teachers, standing on the school steps about to kiss a woman. "Aha," Buffy thought, "the same kissing thing that happened to me."
Running out the doors, she called out "Mr. Hawkins, think, you don't really want to kiss her," while looking around for an imp.
Mr. Hawkins looked confused for a moment, then realization lit his face. He turned to Buffy and said in an understanding tone, "Buffy, I know how it is when you're in high school, and you have a crush on one of your teachers, but you have to realize that it's just a crush. You'll soon get over it, and you'll meet a boy your own age, and forget all about me."
This speech left Buffy feeling very confused. "But I don't ... I didn't kiss you too; I'd remember it. You were kissing her!"
"Yes," Mr. Hawkins said, "and I know how you feel, that you'd get upset seeing me kissing my wife, but ..."
Buffy pulled up short at this. "What? Your wife? She's your... But then it wasn't... There isn't an imp ..." Buffy caught herself. "That is, what I mean is, is that there isn't an important reason to interrupt you, so I'll just, I'll just go now."
"Are you okay with this, Buffy?" Mr. Hawkins asked, still concerned.
"Okay, yes, it's fine, don't mention it..." a sudden thought jolted Buffy, "oh God, PLEASE don't mention it, especially to my Mom," Buffy said, picturing her mother's likely attempts to help her daughter get over her 'crush'. "And not to Xander, either," Buffy added, not wanting to restart the 'older man' discussion she'd had with Xander after her imp-caused kiss with Giles.
"Xander?" Mr. Hawkins asked, then continued, "Yes, I've noticed you two have been together a lot. Don't worry, Buffy, I won't tell Xander what happened here, I wouldn't want to hurt your relationship. But, you see, Buffy, there's someone you're interested in who's your own age, much more appropriate for you, just concentrate on your feelings for Xander and forget any feelings about me."
"What? Feelings for Xander, you think me and him, that we're... oh God, please don't say that to anyone, either, I've REALLY got to go," and Buffy dashed back into the school building before she could give Mr. Hawkins even more wrong ideas about her.
"Okay, this is going SO well," Buffy said to herself. "Mr. Hawkins thinks I'm hot for him AND for Xander, Xander probably still thinks I've got a thing for Giles, why don't I just go on Jenny Jones: 'Girls who get a reputation without ever having an actual date.' I should just forget about imps and go kill some vampires instead; vampires try to kill you and drink your blood, but at least they don't make you die of embarrassment. Right, I WILL go out and kill some vampires; Giles can KEEP his imps." Buffy turned and began marching firmly back toward the school's front door.
Then she slowed, as she thought, "Mr. Hawkins could still be there; I'd have to face him again." And she slowed some more as she thought, "And it is, you know, noontime; there AREN'T any vampires out now." She stopped entirely. "So why am I going out to..." A realization struck her. "One of the little creeps got me again!" And she turned again and dashed back up the hall toward the tiny figure of an imp, who was just disappearing around a corner.
Meanwhile, Willow had gone to the school cafeteria; lunch was starting, and she figured at least one imp would try to take advantage of all the students gathered there. Her reasoning seemed correct; one of her fellow students, someone normally so quiet as to make even Willow look assertive in comparison, was not suffering the cafeteria's less-than-haute cuisine in silence, but was instead vociferously complaining about it to the lunchtime staff.
Willow started looking around the cafeteria, trying to spot an imp, but didn't manage to do it unobtrusively enough; Cordelia noticed Willow's searching, and decided to have some amusement at her expense.
"Hey, everyone," Cordelia said to her lunchtime cronies, "let's play 'Guess What Willow is Looking For'. Could it be, a date. Or how about, some fashion sense. Oh, I know; she's looking for a personality."
Willow heard this remark. Somehow, a dish of ice cream found its way into Willow's hand, and then Willow found herself walking over to Cordelia and dumping the contents all over Cordelia's formerly immaculate hairdo.
Cordelia started sputtering in shock, but before she could actually say anything to Willow, several other unpopular students who'd felt Cordelia's scorn got the idea to emulate Willow's actions. The ice cream was followed in succession by thrown servings of creamed corn, orange juice, and the cafeteria's specialty: unidentifiable green and stringy food-like substance. Cordelia fled the cafeteria, as the natural temperament of the student population took over what imp influence had begun, and a full-fledged food fight broke out.
To make matters worse, at that moment Principal Snyder entered the cafeteria. His "What's going on here?" was interrupted by a classic pie in the face, and Willow realized that imps didn't just go after teenagers; Snyder began threatening to put the student who threw the pie, AND the one who started the food fight in the first place, up before a firing squad to be shot at dawn.
Considering being collared by Snyder in his current mood to be a really bad idea, Willow slipped past the temporarily pie-blinded principal and out of the cafeteria, and ran into Xander coming the other way. Willow's first reaction was "Xander, what happened to your eye?"; Xander was now sporting a black eye he hadn't had when he'd left the library earlier.
"Oh that," Xander said, "well, I found one of the imps, and was just about to grab it..."
"And it hit you in the eye?" Willow asked.
"Not exactly," Xander continued, "I was just about to grab it, when I got, um, distracted."
"Distracted? Distracted by...?"
"Distracted by Mary Beth Kowalski. You know, from history class, the girl with the big..."
"Yes, I know, I've seen all the guys staring at her ..."
"We can't help it; we're guys, that's what guys look at. Anyway, she came in, and I saw her, and I, um, I did something."
"You did something. You did what, Xander?"
"I, um, I sort of, well, I grabbed her."
"You grabbed her, how? Xander, you don't mean that you grabbed one of her..."
"Um, both of them, actually. I'm sorry, it was really wrong of me, I shouldn't have done it, I wasn't going to do it, all I did was think about it, just for a second, and then suddenly there I was doing it."
"And she..." Willow gestured at Xander's eye.
"Ow, that girl can really hit. But it's not my fault, you don't know what those imps can do, suddenly you find yourself doing something..."
"Xander, I know. Really."
"You mean... You did something?"
"In the, in the cafeteria, Cordelia was there, and she was being, she was being..."
"She was being Cordelia?"
"Yes, and I, there was this dish of, of ice cream, and I took it, and..."
"And?" Xander asked.
"And I dumped it on her head," Willow got out in a rush.
"Cordelia a la mode! And I MISSED it!"
"Xander, please, it's not, I didn't want to, I mean, I wanted to, but I wouldn't, I ..." Willow paused. "It's just, it's that part of me really hated it, hated not being in control of myself, hated showing my feelings like that. But part of me wants to, wants to find Cordelia and, and do it to her all over again." Willow looked down. "And then part of me, part of me wants to do, wants to do OTHER things, things I wouldn't do, things I'd be too nervous, too scared to just do, but maybe if they, if the imps, if what they do, if it let me do what I really want to do, and I do want to do it, maybe that would be different, maybe that would be all right. I don't know if I, if I want them to, but you're here now, Xander, and I want to, to, but I just can't, so maybe I do want them to, to..." And with a mixture of fear and joy, Willow found herself grabbing Xander and kissing him.
Or at least, she found herself TRYING to do that, except that Xander wasn't standing there anymore. There were now several imps standing in the hall looking at the two of them, and Xander was lunging at them, trying to grab one. And Willow sighed, muttered a word she'd normally never use, and went to help Xander grab an imp.
* * *
Buffy meanwhile had run to the corner where she'd seen the imp. She looked around and couldn't see it down the next hall, so she began checking out the classrooms along that hall, guessing it had ducked into one of them.
The first classroom was a biology lab: no students or teachers were present, just assorted rodents, insects, and small reptiles inhabiting the appropriate cages and terrariums. A quick search revealed no imp, but Buffy did find a carrying case for small animals, which looked even better for imp transport than a box would be. "Okay, Mr. Imp wherever you are, you're the lucky winner of a new mobile home!" Buffy proclaimed in game-show announcer fashion.
The next room was a chemistry lab, and it WAS occupied, by one student. Jimmy Chang, one of the school's science whizzes, was engaged in extra-credit lab work, carefully measuring tiny quantities of chemicals into test tubes and noting the results.
"Jimmy, have you seen..." Buffy began, and received a "Shush; this is delicate work" in response. "Just as well," she thought; "how would I ask him about seeing an imp, anyway?"
Buffy started quickly checking the lab for the imp. If Jimmy had asked, she would have given him a mundane excuse, that she was looking for an escaped animal from the bio lab, for example, but he was too involved in his measurements to pay any attention to her. However, Buffy's searching was interrupted when Jimmy said loudly "Hey, what if I mixed ALL of it at once?"
Buffy turned toward Jimmy, just in time to see him dump one large bottle of chemicals directly into another. Buffy's "No, Jimmy!" was too late; acrid smoke started pouring out of the bottle, first into Jimmy's face, then spreading throughout the classroom.
Buffy shot into action with Slayer-speed. She leaped over Jimmy's lab table to his side, lifted him under one arm, and ran toward the classroom doorway. Along the way she saw two tiny figures dash from cover and run through the smoky dimness of the classroom; with great agility she scooped both up in the animal carrying case in her free hand, while yelling "Got you AND your friend, you little creep!". In the hallway, Jimmy was coughing but seemed otherwise okay; other people were starting to show up, and Buffy decided she could leave it to them to take care of Jimmy and the lab.
Buffy made sure the animal carrying case was closed tight, and she could hear her two tiny prisoners moving around inside it. She told them "Ha! Let's see you try your tricks now! I'm not opening that case till I get you to Giles, no matter what!", and dashed toward the library.
On arrival at the library, Buffy found Giles sitting among half-a-dozen open books, staring in a bemused way at the telephone receiver he was holding. "I hope you've got an imp there," he said to Buffy, "things seem to be getting out of hand. Ms. Calendar just rang me up, apparently for the sole purpose of describing in rather, um, explicit detail exactly where she wears a certain piece of jewelry."
"Here you go, Giles; it's two, two, two imps in one," Buffy said as she passed him the container.
"VERY good; I've got everything all set up, so just a few comparisons and tests and we should know what's behind this and how to stop it." Giles opened the container, dumped its contents into the center of a small chalk diagram he'd drawn on the library floor, and then said in a long-suffering tone "Buffy, these are not imps; they're mice."
"What?!" Buffy said, and looked at them; they were indeed mice, although one did have an unusually large head reminiscent of an imp. "Bite me! They must have escaped from the bio lab into the chem lab, and I thought they were imps in the smoke. Though I could have sworn they were running on two legs." She smacked her head and added "D'oh! The real imp must've still been hiding in the chem lab. Unless... Giles, do imps ever LOOK like mice? Vampires can look like people, so maybe imps can..." Giles was shaking his head negatively. Buffy continued "No? Not even sometimes? Once in a while? When they're in a high school located on a Hellmouth? Or maybe they're vampire mice? Mouse spirits that take control of you and make you eat cheese? Demonically- possessed computer mice?"
"No, Buffy, they're just ordinary, everyday mice. You'll have to..." Giles was interrupted by the arrival of Xander and Willow at the library.
"Giles! Score one for the junior team! Here's your imp, boxed and ready for whatever," Xander called out, and handed Giles a box.
Giles took the box, with a muttered "Please don't let it be a hamster", and checked out its contents. "Good; NOW we have something to work with. And can someone get these two out of the way?" he said, shoving the two mice aside and putting the imp in the chalk diagram.
"Ooh, cute," Willow cooed as she picked up the two little rodents, "where did you get the mice?"
"Where do you think? Buffy brought them," Giles said. "The stupid little twit thought they were imps," he added sneeringly.
"Giles?!" Buffy yelled in disbelief, shock and hurt mixed in her tone. The imp in the diagram giggled.
"Damn," Giles said, realizing that the imp had gotten him. "Buffy, I apologize. I didn't mean that; it was the imp. Please forgive me."
"Well, I guess so. Okay, Giles, it's all right," Buffy said. "You did hurt my feelings, though, so don't expect me to kiss you again any time soon," she added jokingly.
"Well, that sounds more than fair," Giles responded. "And before this imp does anything else, I'd better get to work. Let's see, if I first...", his voice trailed off, as he started consulting his books, examining the imp, and doing little occult tests.
While Giles worked, Xander turned to Buffy and asked "Buffy, you were just joking about the kissing, right?"
"Of course I was joking, Xander," Buffy answered, "I'm not gonna let one little insult keep me from kissing him." Xander gave a sigh of relief that turned into a double-take.
"Wait a minute, you mean you ARE going to... but you... he... I thought..." Xander spluttered.
"Joke, Xander" Buffy said patiently.
"Oh, right, of course, joke. So you're NOT going to..." Xander started, then stopped at Buffy's expression. "Okay, right, got it, understood, message received, over and out."
"Finally," Buffy said. "Say, Xander, what happened to your eye?" she added, noticing his black eye for the first time.
"Oh, that, you know, you go out, you fight the forces of darkness, there's the occasional injury, no big deal."
"Didn't you say that Mary Beth..." Willow started to ask, but Xander cut her off with "Oh, the details don't matter. Say, let me see those two mice. My, aren't they cute. Did you know I had a pet mouse named Mickey when I was a child?"
Behind Xander's back, Willow silently mouthed to Buffy "I'll tell you later", then said out loud "I had a mouse, too; mine was named Minnie."
"Did Mickey and Minnie ever, um, get together?" Buffy asked.
"We put them together once," Willow said "but I think something was wrong with Mickey."
"Yeah, Minnie would go sniffing all around him, and he'd just sit there like he didn't even see her," Xander added.
"Why am I totally not surprised at that?" Buffy asked rhetorically.
"If you'll direct your attention this way," Giles called to the three, "I do have some results, unless you want to continue discussing mice for a while before moving on to demonic infestations."
"What have you got?" Buffy asked, ignoring the sarcasm.
"For one thing, there's no indication of any specific supernatural entity involved other than the imps. They weren't sent here or summoned; it appears to be just the general Hellmouth locale which brought them and increases their power."
"The Hellmouth just coughed them up, eh?" Xander joked. Getting three blank looks, he started explaining "You know, Hellmouth? Hell MOUTH? COUGHED them up?"
Pointedly ignoring Xander, Buffy asked, "And how do we get rid of them?"
"If there had been a single specific summoning that brought them here, I'd be able to reverse it. As it is, we'll have to banish them individually. For a single imp, that's a straightforward process; I draw a circle of banishment here, the imp enters the circle, and the imp is gone. The problem is, how long will it take to round up all the individual imps by hand, so we can get them in the circle?"
"WAY too long," Buffy said.
"And too messy," Willow added, thinking of the cafeteria food fight.
"And too painful," Xander contributed, rubbing his black eye gingerly.
"And too embarrassing," Buffy finished, thinking of Mr. Hawkins.
"Well, THAT seems unanimous," Giles said. "Any ideas on how to get ALL the imps here more efficiently?"
Silence for a moment, then Xander glanced at the two mice and said "If the imps were mice, we'd just hire the Pied Piper to lead them here."
"Enough about the mice, already; stop rubbing it in," Buffy complained.
"Actually, Xander may well have a valid point," Giles mused.
"You see," Xander said "Xander may well have a valid point." He paused. "Uhh, Giles, WHAT valid point may Xander well have?"
"About the Pied Piper. Although to be accurate, that did involve rats rather than mice." At Buffy's glare Giles hurriedly continued, "The Pied Piper used his piping to charm the rats of the town of Hamelin into following him out of the town. If we can come up with something that will draw the imps into following in a similar way, they can be led here and banished. Now, what would draw a group of imps?"
"Ooh, I've got ANOTHER one," Xander said. "I caught THIS imp because several of them came near Willow and me outside the cafeteria. Maybe something drew them to us."
"That sounds possible," Giles commented.
"See, it's possible. Harris shoots and scores again!" Xander mimed a basketball throw.
"So what did draw the imps?" Giles asked Xander.
"It must have been the, um, the thing that, well, it could have been, I mean, if there was a, um, a something there..." Xander trailed off, and Buffy chimed in with "Harris shoots, misses, and falls on his face."
"Could it be something I did?" Willow asked Giles hesitantly. "There was something that, well, that I wanted to do, REALLY wanted to do, but that I'd be too nervous to do." From Willow's significant glance at Xander as she said this, Buffy got a good idea of the type of thing that Willow meant. "The sort of thing imps make you do, right? Wouldn't they be drawn to you if you, well, if you felt that way very strongly?"
"You mean, like wanting to dump more food on Cordelia?" Xander asked Willow cluelessly. Behind him, Buffy mouthed silently to Willow "TELL him."
Willow turned to Xander and said "No, it wasn't that, it was, well, I wanted to, to..." Willow seemed like she might tell Xander about wanting to kiss him, but Giles, who'd been considering her suggestion, interrupted before she could finish.
"Yes, there's definitely a possibility there," Giles said. "Imps can't actually read minds, but they ARE sensitive to those kinds of strong, repressed feelings. And with the Hellmouth making them more powerful, perhaps they are also more sensitive and more drawn to those feelings. I believe I have a plan that can take advantage of that."
"What plan?" Buffy asked.
Giles rose to his feet and waved his arm broadly. "Operation Pied Piper!" he announced in a loud, dramatic voice.
"Now do 'Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a 1/2th Century!' " Buffy told Giles, and indicated his dramatic position.
Giles looked at what he was doing, then looked at the imp, which was giggling once more. Realizing he'd been gotten again, Giles sheepishly sat down and began to explain his plan.
* * *
"Here's what we'll do," Giles said. "I'll set up the circle of banishment by the library door, and you three will go out and lead the imps here. When you get here, the imps will be drawn into the circle, and they'll be gone."
"And we're leading the imps here by...?" Buffy asked.
"By using what they're drawn to: strong repressed feelings, strong desires one wants to act on, but is reluctant or unwilling or unable to act on," Giles answered. "And you, that is, adolescents in general, but you three in particular, are, um, ... "
"The greatest sources of unfulfilled desires in the known universe?" Xander suggested.
"Rather a hyperbole, but that's the general idea. If you go around the school and concentrate on those kinds of feelings, discuss them, emphasize them as much as possible, the imps should be drawn to you. And if those feelings are associated with the library, if you think strongly that the, um, the objects of your desires are going to be here, then the effect of the imps' power should be to have you come here to act on those desires. The imps will follow you, and be banished when they get here."
"Oh, this is good," Xander said sarcastically. "Not only do I get to be human bait, I get to do it by thinking about my total loserness."
"Actually, it's sort of nice," Willow said, "like there's a deeper meaning to suffering, like everything bad in our lives has a purpose. If we were popular and happy and fulfilled and everything, we wouldn't be able to do this."
"Right," Buffy agreed, "we get to take all that teenage heartache stuff, and use it to save the world, or at least the school. It's an 'If life gives you lemons, make lemonade' thing."
"But how do I tell life, okay, I've got enough lemons, can I have some SUGAR in my lemonade?" Xander asked.
"Before you start constructing metaphorical lemonade stands," Giles interrupted, "I think you should deal with the actual problem we have. Let's take care of the imps, and save the meaning of life and the reason for suffering until later."
"Fine, I'm going," Xander said. "I guess I go take a section of the school by myself; a man's gotta go off alone to brood on his unfulfilled desires."
"And Willow can come with me," Buffy suggested, "some good girl-talk about everything we're NOT doing ought to bring out tons of imps."
The three left. Giles drew a chalk circle in the library doorway, with a spiral design within it. He started adding various mystical symbols to it in accordance with his occult reference books, but paused when one comment caught his eye. "Hm, residual influence, continuing for a short time, so even AFTER the imps are banished, they could still...," he muttered while reading, "And Buffy, with her strength, that could be..." Giles paused. "So what can I, oh yes, THAT'S what I can use." He went to his desk, opened a drawer, and examined the contents. "Good, I've still got it. Ironic that a weapon I bought to use on a vampire may be used to stop a Slayer instead."
Buffy and Willow got to one end of the school, and prepared to put Giles' plan into effect. "How do we, how do we do this?" Willow asked Buffy. "I don't know if I can be emotional like that on cue."
"How about, we make a game of it. Who's gonna be in the library, and what do we want to tell them? Watch, I'll start. My Mom's gonna be in the library, and I want to tell her that I'm a Slayer, and I kill vampires, and I'm not messing up or hanging around with the wrong crowd, I go out and save people's lives, and stop saying it won't be the end of the world if I don't go out, because it WILL be the end of the world."
The two started walking back toward the library. "I don't know, Buffy," Willow said.
"I'll give you an easy one. Cordelia's gonna be in the library. What do you want to tell her?" Buffy asked.
"Maybe I should apologize to her about the ice cream, and..."
Buffy interrupted Willow with "NO, what do you REALLY want to say to her?"
"I want to say that, that I'm NOT sorry I dumped that ice cream on her, because it really hurts when she makes fun of me, and if she's mean to me again I'll do it to her again, with something REALLY messy and nasty and sticky!"
"The cafeteria's Spring Surprise!" Buffy suggested.
For a second, Willow looked shocked at inflicting this on anyone, even Cordelia, but then shouted "Right! She deserves it!" And imps began to gather, and follow the two girls.
While this was going on, Xander had gone to the other end of the school. "Okay, how do I make myself an imp magnet?" he said to himself. "Well, just think about Buffy. Easy enough; it's NOT thinking about her that I can't do." He started walking back toward the library. "Buffy's going to be in the library, and I'll see her there, and I want to tell her that I love her, and ask her out, but I can't, and then there's that thing with the chocolate syrup that I REALLY can't ask her to do." This seemed particularly effective; behind Xander imp after imp popped out.
The imps followed Xander as he walked along, continuing to mutter. "And whenever that Angel guy shows up, Buffy goes right to him, and ignores me, just good old Xander, he'll always be there. I bet Angel is there in the library right now, waiting for her, and she'll go kiss him, and I'll really hate that, and what can I do about it? Maybe I can have him arrested; he's been dead for 200 years, and he's still walking around, that's got to be illegal somehow, it has to violate the health code to have dead bodies walking around kissing girls who should be kissing me instead. She shouldn't even WANT to kiss him, he's just a rotting corpse, using some kind of cheat to look like he's a person, and he's probably using some kind of nasty vampire mind control on her. Yes, that's it, she doesn't REALLY like him, he's controlling her mind, and I've got to save her. I'll just go in the library, open the shades, let the sun in, and poof, no more Angel. And she'll be free of him, and really grateful to me for saving her, and kiss me, and I've got to go save her right now!" And he strode off firmly, the imps still following in his wake.
Meanwhile, Buffy and Willow had both gotten into the swing of their 'game' (assisted by the influence of their imp entourage). "Angel's going to be in the library," Buffy said, "and I want to tell him so what if he's a vampire and I'm a Slayer, we should forget about all that, we should be together anyway. And I could even LIKE that he's a vampire, 'cause it makes him exciting, and dangerous, and he could kiss me all night without stopping to take a breath."
"And Xander's going to be in the library," Willow said, "and I want to kiss him, and tell him how I feel, and I almost did it before, and now I really want to do it. And I don't want there to be anyone else he's interested in besides me; no one at all!" And Willow paused for a second to glance at Buffy.
Continuing in this vein, the two of them reached the library. Buffy slammed open the door and strode in, Willow behind her. The imps following them were caught in the circle of banishment that Giles had drawn; they swirled around it and rapidly vanished into the center of the spiral design, which somehow seemed to have great depth while still being flat on the floor. Neither girl noticed any of this, however.
Giles, seeing the two enter, started to raise the pistol in his hand and began explaining, "Buffy, I think you're still being influenced by the imps' power; I'm going to have to...", but was interrupted when Buffy knocked the pistol away, grabbed Giles by the jacket, and lifted him off the floor. "Where's Angel!" Buffy shouted at Giles. "You can't keep us apart!"
Willow, following Buffy, had seen the pistol knocked from Giles' hand. Willow scooped it up, shouted "Xander won't love me while you're around!", and fired repeatedly at Buffy.
The streams from the water pistol hit Buffy in the face. She blinked, shook her head, and said, "Whoa! I was having a total psycho thing there."
"Are you all right now?" Giles asked her, and when she said "Yes", Giles asked, "Then could you please put me down." Buffy realized she was still holding Giles in the air, and let him down.
Willow meanwhile had dropped the water pistol, run into a corner of the library, crouched down, and started crying. Buffy went to her and tried to reassure her, "Willow, it's okay, it's over now."
Willow, tears in her eyes, looked up at Buffy. "B-Buffy, I saw that g-gun, and I thought, thought it was real, and I wanted, I really wanted, to sh-shoot you, because I felt so, so jealous, that Xander, he wants you, and not, not..."
"Willow," Buffy said, "it's okay, you weren't yourself, it was just something that the imps made you do."
"B-but it's more than that, it's p-part of me, something that I COULD feel. Buffy, I can't try to, to get together with Xander until I know he's over you. Because if I try with him and he r-rejects me because of you, or we d-do get together but it's still really you that he w-wants to be with, I'd start to h-hate you for it. And I don't, don't want to do that; you're my friend."
Buffy took Willow's arm and lifted her to her feet. "And you're my friend, and Xander's my friend, and I don't want to do anything to hurt either of you. Somehow we'll work this all out. We're the Slayer and the Slayerettes; if vampires and demons can't defeat us, a little romantic triangle won't either."
Just then Xander entered the library, his contingent of imps swirling and vanishing into the circle. Giles picked the water pistol up from the floor, to snap Xander out of it if he did anything dangerous, but all Xander did was open the shades on the window, shout "Buffy, you're free!", then say something about chocolate syrup.
"Xander, snap out of it!" Buffy said to him sharply.
Xander looked around the library in confusion. "You're not, he's not, right, it was just, ohhh, that was mega-weird. 'This is your brain; this is your brain on imps.' Giles, did we get rid of the little brain-scramblers?"
"I was able to make an estimate of how many imps were here altogether. Counting your group plus Buffy and Willow's group, I'd say that we got them all."
Just then the bell rang for the next class period. "Then it's mission accomplished, and we've got classes to go to," Buffy said. "Giles, you can catch us later if there ARE any more of the little creeps."
The three teens left the library. "Xander, what was that whole thing when you came into the library? Opening the window shade, I'm free, and what was that about chocolate syrup?" Buffy asked.
"Oh, nothing, just something I came up with while being weird, you know, chocolate syrup's good, you put it on things, lots of things, completely innocent things, and I've GOT to get to class," and he ran ahead of the others.
Buffy looked after him in puzzlement, then said to Willow, "Girl, if you want him, you can HAVE him; I ALREADY get more than the recommended daily allowance of weirdness in my life." Willow just shrugged.
Back in the library, Giles put the water pistol back in his desk and muttered "rather a waste to use holy water just to splash in someone's face." He then collected the open books lying around and took them back into the stacks.
Forgotten were the two mice that Buffy had brought in earlier. The one with the big head said to the other "I've been pondering what that girl said."
"She said I was cute," the other mouse remarked in a contented tone.
"No, not her, the OTHER girl. She said vampire mice, control by mouse spirits, and demonic possession of computer mice. We may be able to use one of those ideas."
"Use it for what, Brain?"
"The same thing we use everything for, Pinky. To try to take over the world!"
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