This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy
Real expensive and
No guarantees
"I want you to know, I'm only doing this for her," he said flatly.
"I know," I replied, bearing no grudge. It was an unspoken understanding between us that there would never be peace or reconciliation, only a truce borne of necessity. She was everything, to both of us, and we knew what it meant to her to see some semblance of a friendship, even if it was only a facade.
"Do you think it'll work?" I added.
"The chances are slim. If it doesn't, it will probably kill you." Did I detect a wisp of hope in his tone?
"I'm already dead," I said defensively.
"Let me rephrase. I refer to the complete destruction of your human form and the departure of your soul into the nether regions, which I believe, are already quite familiar."
"Let's get on with it then," I said curtly, trying to hold back my anger. I didn't need to keep reminding myself why I was doing this. Why I was putting myself at the mercy of someone who despised me. If this crazy spell of Giles' worked, it would all be worth it in the end.
So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hanging out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground
I can't go on like this. Wanting her. Wishing I was with her every minute of every day. Scared to death of acting on those feelings and bringing back her own personal hell. She had a taste of it in that mess with Faith. God what a mistake that was. I can see it in her eyes now. Her love for me is strong; it radiates so strongly I don't need the sun's rays to feel the warmth. But when she looks at me these days her eyes are clouded over with apprehension and doubt. The last thing on earth I want to do is hurt her. But I can't live without her. I'm scared of what might happen if I do this, but the thought of what may happen if I don't terrifies me even more.
But you move me
You give me courage I didn't know I had
You move me
I can't go with you and stay where I am
So you move me
"You're sure you want to proceed. Even knowing the risks?"
"What's the matter, Giles? Afraid I'll back out at the last minute? Cheer up. Maybe it won't work."
He turned towards me with blazing eyes. "I assure you, Angel, had I wanted that particular outcome, I could have assured it long ago. Possessing a soul opens many doors... But I would have lost her, and you very well know it."
That I did. Ever since I got back she's been my shield, protecting me from everyone who wanted to harm me. It's ironic, really; that was supposed to be my job. She seems so fragile sometimes. It constantly amazes me that, time after time, she has found the strength to defy all of them and rally to my defense. Giles was right, though. I suppose I am the only thing on this earth that could ever drive a permanent wedge between those two. Not even her own mother was able to do that. I wonder if he ever thought about it that way. I wonder if it scares him.
"Then why are you doing this? She won't blame you for not helping me, not if she doesn't know, anyway." I was clear in my tone of voice that the comment wasn't a threat, just an observation.
He sighed wearily. "Because she loves you. She loves you against all advice and reason, and I swore to myself long ago that I would do everything in my power to see that her feelings for you do not destroy her. If that means aiding you in your- your...quest... then so be it."
"And just why do you think _I_ am doing this?" I said, incensed.
I took a deep breath, or did a good imitation of one, and continued. "I tried to kill myself on Christmas morning. Did you know that, Giles?"
I could see the shock in his eyes. I was surprised she had never told him.
"I was on Cotter's Hill waiting for the sun to rise and telling Buffy to go to hell. Of course she wouldn't let me. She tried to stop me, but I won anyway. It took everything I had, and seeing her cry like that broke my heart into a million pieces, but I stood my ground and I stayed. That was supposed to be it. You would get your Slayer back, no curse, no Angelus, no pain..."
I could see the light come into his eyes and he looked at me in surprise and wonder.
"It snowed..."
"Yeah," I said, "it snowed. The hottest December on record and it actually snowed." I felt my voice choke as I said, "And that was it. That stand I made on the hill took every last bit of strength I had. I don't have the will to do it again, ever. I love her too much. ...So this time I have to find another way."
"You could leave," he said, definitely hopeful this time.
Here is how love was to me
I could look and not see
Going through the emotions
Not knowing what they mean
I countered that with a question. "Giles, have you ever wondered why, in a hundred years, I never had one moment of true happiness?"
"I must admit the thought has occurred to me."
"I stopped killing when I got my soul back. I tried to live a normal life again, as much as I could anyway." I didn't want to relive these memories, but if I was to secure his help, I suppose he deserved an explanation.
"For the first 25 years or so, Spike and Dru amused themselves by killing anyone and everyone I ever got close to. Dru was, well, in her own little world, but Spike was furious. They would disappear for awhile and I'd move around, but they would always find me. Spike's idea of a calling card was body parts of people I knew scattered around my flat."
"Dear God--"
"Then one day it stopped. They lost interest or found some new games to play, I don't know which. By then I was living as a recluse, afraid to talk to anyone in case Spike decided to show up again. It was years before I started to interact with people again."
"But surely in all of that time-"
"Yeah, there were a few. I made some friends among the living, and even a few of them knew what I was. But watching them die, watching them grow old while your own world stands still, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. You tell yourself it doesn't matter, that there will be others, but it doesn't help. I still thought the love was worth it though, until I met Caitlyn."
"It ended badly, then,"
"Actually no." I winced,"we were engaged."
Giles was visibly surprised. "There is no record in the watcher diaries of this-"
"There wouldn't be. It wasn't to be a legal marriage, it was a wiccan marriage ritual. She was so beautiful. We wanted to...you know, but it was the wiccan tradition to wait until after the ceremony. We had only been together six weeks, it wasn't a long time to wait. And I didn't really care anyway. I just wanted _her_."
"What happened?"
"She was in the middle of a dance, on the eve of the ceremony, when she collapsed. The doctors said it was an aneurysm. She was only 22 years old... " I laughed bitterly. "You can put in your watcher diaries that it _is_ possible for a 220 year old vampire to have a total breakdown."
"I'm sorry," he said with actual compassion.
"She knew about me, she would have had to. I knew it wasn't going to be forever, but I thought maybe we could have some small semblance of a normal life, just for a little while. It was like someone flipped a switch and everything I cared about just disappeared. After Caitlyn's death, I decided I didn't want to live in the world anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to suicide. I moved around , never staying anywhere long enough to get attached to anything or anyone. Eventually I stopped caring about everything. When Whistler found me I was draining rats in the back alleys and spending my days wandering the sewers."
And it scared me so much
That I just wouldn't budge
Might have stayed there forever
If not for your touch
"Whistler brought you into this?" he said with surprise. I was surprised myself, at how little she had told him. I thought he knew everything.
"Kicking and screaming. I told him to get lost, but he wouldn't leave me alone. Told me I could get out of the dump and make something of myself. He was the social worker from hell, literally. Finally I give in, just to get him off my back, and tell him that I'll at least take a look at whatever it was he was so keen on showing me."
"Buffy," he said plainly.
"Yeah. Buffy. I saw her called. I saw her dust her first vampire. I saw how tough it was going to be for her... I couldn't stay away."
How could I possibly express in words what those moments were like? I had hardened myself against everything life could throw at me, but watching Buffy that first month sliced through all my careful armor like a knife through butter. I realized in hindsight that my love for her was rooted in that one moment: the look on her face after she had just stabbed her first vampire and nearly gotten herself killed. She was so young, so vulnerable, and so scared. The unfairness of burdening a mere child with such a horrifying duty brought out a fierce protective streak in me that I didn't even know I had. It shattered every emotional wall I had built around myself, and in that one instant I wasn't afraid to care again. I wasn't afraid at all.
Oh, but you move me
Out of myself and into the fire
"Ready, then?"
"As I'll ever be."
I was standing over an elaborate sigil drawn in black chalk in the middle of the library floor. For some reason, though, it was the ring of candles around me that was disconcerting. I suppose it reinforced the idea that I was to be the center of attention. I tried to bury the urge that was welling up inside me to tell Giles to call the whole thing off. I focused my mind on Buffy, a kaleidoscope of expressions on her face as I saw her in a thousand different moments. I saw her face as it was the night we spent at my apartment, her love for me blinding in its radiance and made brighter still by the bliss of our union. She was everything to me, she always would be. I knew then that whatever happened, I was resolved. I would do this, for both of us.
Giles began the litany and after about a half an hour nothing had happened. My apprehension was rapidly turning into disappointment, which had begun to slip into deep despair.
"Giles, I don't think--Augggggghhh!!!!" I screamed as I suddenly felt my entire body blaze. I could see no flames, but every inch of my skin and every limb of my body felt like it was on fire. I kept waiting to pass out but there was no relief. I held my hand out in front of me, half expecting to see smoke rising out of my skin. Instead of smoke, however, I saw the door to the library _through my hand_. I was somehow losing form, becoming ghostly.
"NOOOOOO!!!!!" I screamed through the pain. It was all a trick. The bastard had gotten me to do this so he could make me disappear, and tell Buffy God knew what about my departure. He had actually found a way to make me disappear. The pain became more intense and I barely noticed when I collapsed on the floor.
"Damn you, Giles!" I screamed up at him. And then my only thoughts were of this invisible fire that seemed to be consuming me. It had to stop, because I couldn't endure it one more second. My mind must have agreed, because it picked that moment to shut itself down, and all I saw was darkness.
You move me
Burning with love and with hope and desire
How you move me
I awoke to nothing but a sound like the distant, muted roar of a waterfall. I wondered where I was. It was an odd Heaven, and it wasn't Hell. There were other sounds coming into focus, but the next thing that registered was a light touch on my face followed by little drops of water that seemed to be chasing themselves across my cheeks. I opened my eyes just a split second before it occurred to me that I still had eyes to open.
"Angel! Oh God-"
She was leaning over me, with my head cradled in her lap. She smiled amidst the river of tears streaming down her face. My angel. She was here, and she could see me.
"Buffy-" was all I managed to say before her lips met mine and washed away the last remnants of my fears. I tried to get up, but it was as if unseen hands were holding me down. It was an effort just to reach out and touch her beautiful face. All of a sudden she began laughing and crying harder at the same time.
"Oh my God, Giles. You did it."
She kissed me again and laughed delightedly.
"Buffy? What is it?" I had never seen her like this, and it was beginning to scare me. She let herself go around her friends, but I had never seen such pure joy in her face. I knew I had a connection to make, and that it somehow involved the ritual in the library, but my mind refused to cooperate.
She touched my lips with her fingertips and was instantly all seriousness.
"Angel," she said, choking back a sob, "they're warm."
"What?" I couldn't yet wrap my brain around what she was trying to tell me.
In answer, she took my hand, placed it palm down over my heart and said simply, "Feel."
And in the space of one heartbeat, my entire universe changed.
I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. All I could do was stare at her in shock and amazement. This was what I had wanted more than anything, but now it scared me to death. There was nothing between us now, but was my love for her enough to compensate for all the things I could no longer give her?
She must have read the doubt in my face because before I knew it I was wrapped in her arms, and she was telling me she loved me, over and over again. I found the strength to sit up and I framed her face with my hands, basking in the love and happiness I saw in her eyes. Whatever fate lie in store for me after this life-and now I could truly call it that-I knew that for a small time at least, heaven on earth would be mine.
You go whistling in the dark
Making light of it
Making light of it
And I follow with my heart
Laughing all the way
"You could have died," she said, emotions still running high.
"Why do you think I didn't tell you I was going to do this?" I said gently. I held her to me and said "It was so worth it." Emotion overcame me as I watched wisps of her hair fly on the currents of my words. It's amazing how something as little as breathing can be the biggest of miracles.
"But your _life_, Angel. You shouldn't have risked it, not even for me." I could see it starting to sink in for her, the realization of what I had done and how close she had come to losing me. I knew she would be furious, and I was prepared for her reaction, but I had insisted on absolute secrecy beforehand because I knew she would never let me go through with it.
"Why else, if not for you?" I replied. "I love you, Buffy Summers. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I found out a long time ago that I can't live in the mortal world. And a vampire who doesn't kill can't live with the demons too easily either. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere. But you -- you move between them with a grace and strength that ... I don't know... it inspires me. I have carried so much guilt inside for so long, I never felt I deserved to be happy, and I never wanted to be. Until you. All of a sudden, no matter where I found myself, you were always there, making things better. You brought me out into the world again. At first I wanted nothing more than to see you safe, but now... now I love you so much I can't live without you. I couldn't leave, and I couldn't stay if there was the slightest chance that I would ever hurt you again."
I wiped the tears from her face and kissed her softly, saying, "Besides, don't you think seeing Giles in the robe was worth it?."
She gave a half chuckle-half sob that turned into a beautiful symphony of laughter. I felt the tears stream down my own cheeks as I realized it was a sound that I would be hearing for a long, long time to come.
Oh, cause you move me
You get me dancing and you make me sing
You move me
Now I'm taking delight in every little thing
How you move me
"It looks so much _bigger_ during the day," I said, gazing out over the water into the blue nothingness beyond. I wrapped my arms around her as we watched the sun begin its nightly descent behind the waves. Everything seemed so vivid. The colors seemed to jump out at me. Especially her. She looked ethereal in the fading light, with tendrils of gold silk shimmering around her face, her electric blue eyes reflecting the beauty of the sea before us.
"Well, you only saw it at night before. At night it's just a beach. Now, it's..."
There were no words, I knew. "Yeah," I said.
We stood there, motionless, until the last bit of the sun descended below the horizon, leaving a rose colored sky in its wake. I felt around in my jacket, afraid at first that I had forgotten it, but no, it was there, way at the bottom.
"What are you doing?" she asked, turning around.
"I have something for you."
I placed in her hands a nondescript little cardboard box. The kind of cheap gift box you get at any low-end jewelry store. I wanted it to be a little fancier, but Shamus apparently put all of his work into the craftsmanship and didn't give a thought to the presentation.
She opened it up, saw what was inside, and just stared at me, saying nothing. Then after a few moments, she said, "Oh.... God..."
I didn't know what I was thinking. Of course she wouldn't like it, it must have brought back so many horrible memories. How could I be so incredibly stupid.
"Buffy, I'm sorry," I said in a choked voice, "I'll return it. I never meant to hurt you."
She looked at me and smiled, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Don't you dare. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. But it must have cost a fortune-"
"Well," I said, trying to mask my nervousness, "engagement rings usually do."
She got the same shocked look again but this time I held my ground and waited, which paid off handsomely as she threw herself into my arms and laughed and cried at the same time. We kissed for what was probably an eternity in itself, and eventually I said, "Well? Are you going to put it on?"
She gave me an indulgent smile, took off her old ring, and slipped it's replacement on her hand, heart pointing down. It fit just as well as the last one I had given her, though the cheap silver of the pawn shop version had been replaced with a 24-karat gold filigree from one of the oldest crafthouses in Dublin.
"But where did you- *How* did you-"
"Olde Irish secret, Darlin'" I said, in my best Irish brogue. In truth, it had taken me over a month to find a goldsmith who still adhered to Clan traditions and had the expertise to cast such a thing. It had been expensive, true, but the look on Buffy's face when she saw it was beyond worth.
She hugged me again and said, "It's perfect. I love it. I love _you_."
I gazed into her eyes and answered, "I love you too, Buffy. Forever."
Oh how you move me
Move me
Oh you move me
Oh you move me
I looked down at my angel as she lie in blissful sleep. I closed the window, as the dusk had brought with it a slight chill, and tucked the blanket up under her chin. She was so beautiful; she made me wonder if somewhere along the line I had actually managed to balance my karma, at least enough to deserve such happiness as this.
I heard footsteps behind me and then hands encircled my waist and I felt a head on my shoulder.
"She finally settled down?"
"Yes. "
"Then come to bed," said Buffy, with a familiar glint in her eye.
I kissed my daughter on the forehead, careful not to disturb her peaceful sleep, and with one last look at Miss Gillian Elizabeth McKiernan, I turned out the light and followed her mother into the darkness.
End
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