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Buffy The Vampire Slayer > BTVS - Alternate Universe
I'm Too Old For This Supernatural by Jason Weiser
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Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Lethal Weapon and their associated characters are the property of Warner Brothers and their creators, this story isn’t meant as an infringement or challenge to their copyright

A Buffy/Lethal Weapon Crossover




Detective Martin Riggs was having a slow day < Geez, I’m almost praying Murph will yell at me! > his mind groaned. Rog was off getting coffee and doughnuts at a new place on Alpine with Lorna and Lea Butters was follwing up a lead from an old case dating back about ten years, so guess who ended up minding the fort?

< Hmm, maybe I should sneak on down to the range, snap off a clip or two...that ought to chase the blues away...yeah that’s what I’ll do! > Riggs eyebrows arched, he was just getting up when......

The phone rang.

< Shit, Butters, you picked one hell of a time....> Riggs reached for the phone and punched up the ringing line.

“Homicide, Detective Riggs speaking, you kill ‘em, we nail ya.” he chimed.

“Uncle Martin, irreverant as ever, I see.” responded the voice.

“Sam, Jesus, Sam....is that you...I haven’t seen you since, what ,‘84? How the hell are you?”

“Just fine Uncle Martin, I kinda wish this was just a normal social call, but, well, it isn’t. Martin, Dad’s dead, they’re calling it a suicide.”

A blow hit Riggs, not physically, but emotionally, he felt his legs buckle, the air hissed out of his chest. < Jesus, Joe Weiss, the guy who saved my ass in ‘70, killed himself? Why, I knew the cancer was bad, but that bad? >

“When’s the funeral, Sam?” Riggs queried.

“Next Tuesday, but theres more, Martin, I gotta ask you a favor, can you go up to Sunnydale early and sit with Mom, I can’t get away from things here at the Bureau, what with this recent Greek Embassy bombing here in town. I’ll be there for the funeral, but I can’t get away before Friday, and that’s two days from now...Look I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think it important.”

“Hey, Sam, don’t worry. I’ll be up there first thing tommorow, OK?” Riggs answered reassuringly.

“Thanks Uncle Martin, I knew I could count on you. See you soon, OK?” Sam responded.

“Sure thing, Bye” Riggs responded and hung up the phone. He then sat in a trance, the only buddy he’d had from‘Nam was dead, by his own hand, rather than face a slow, ugly death from cancer. < Shit, first Vicki, now this > his mind screamed.

Just then a very harried looking Rodger Murtaugh trotted into the squadroom, with Riggs, wife, Lorna, about three steps behind.

“Hey Riggs, next time you suggest a doughnut run, you can go, I’ve never heard so much bitching about doughnuts in my life....Riggs, Riggs” It was then that Murtaugh began to notice that Riggs was on another planet.

“Shit, Riggs, what’s with you, Lorna tell you she want a divorce?” Rog soon noticed by the look in Riggs eyes that his attempt at humor had had the opposite effect.

“Damn, look Riggs, I’m sorry man, What’s wrong?” Rog queried as he pulled up a swivel chair to his side of their joint desk.

“Well, Rog it’s simple, I just got told my best freind in ‘Nam turned out his own lights, I guess it was the cancer, pain must have gotten to be too much.....”Riggs choked up.

Rog’s mouth dropped. In all of the years of their being partners, freinds and a quasi-family, there were two things that he and Riggs never did, talk about Vietnam, or see Riggs cry. Today, Riggs just broke both rules. Rog did the only thing he could do, he embraced his partner. Riggs was racked with sobs, he was a genuine mess.

Riggs pulled away, “Aw christ Rog, I’m blubbering like a damn fool, anyhow, I gotta go up to Sunnydale for the funeral. Look, can you and Butters handle the this dead case Murph’s got us on?”

Rog nodded vigourusly.

Riggs reached out and put his hand on his partner’s shoulder “Thanks Rog, I appreciate it., I wish the rest of it was gonna be easier...”

“Riggs, I hate to tell you this, but Murph wants to see us in his office. I sure as hell it isn’t over what you pulled in that 7-Eleven last week” Rog stated sarchastically.

“Aw come on, Rog, he’s the one who bet me he couldn’t make it through that big window...and anyhow, we’re insured!” Riggs stated reassuringly.

“Go spit, Riggs. I mean, you sink my boat three months ago, and now this?” Rog retorted.

Riggs put up his hands in mock surrender.”Hey Rog, you think we’re getting a bit old for this?”

Rog nodded “Yeah, but why break a winning habit”

Both had a good laugh, then began their journey to Captain Murphy’s office.

Captain Ed Murphy had had quite a few bad days in his thirty-plus years with the LAPD, especially when he had had to promote those jokers Riggs and Murtaugh to Captain a few months back, but now this < I’m really gonna have to make Lieutenants out of them, jesus! >.

< Oh christ, here comes Mayhem and Chaos, where the hell is my Pepcid AC when I need it? > Murph’s mind screamed.

Riggs and Murtaugh sauntred in, and uncerimounusly flopped themselves down on the couch in front of Murph’s desk.. < Do they ever knock? > Murph grimaced.

“Awright you two, You’re here for two reasons, First off, Riggs, just what the fuck did you do to that 7-Eleven? Jesus Riggs, you two are the reason we are this close to losing yet another insurance carrier!” Murph was almost turning purple with his tirade.

“Hey Murph, he had a gun, and well, mine jammed...” Riggs responded then added a wan smile.

“So you had to put him head first through a plate glass window?” Murph responded.

“Uh, yeah..Ah hell, he did make this satisfying crunch, or was that the glass, Rog?” Riggs turned to Rog.

Rog responded with daggers in his eyes. “Go spit, Riggs, he landed on the hood of Rianne’s new car and shattered the winshield.”

“Bitch, Bitch, Bitch. I swear, you’d complain if you were hung with a new rope.....” Riggs retorted

“ENOUGH” Murph roared. “Look, here is the other reason you two jokers are here, You’re being made Lieutenants again, permantly.”

Riggs and Murtaugh shared open-mouthed glances.

“Captain, you’re joking, right?” Rog wondered.

“No Murtaugh, I’m not, and if you thought last time sucked for me, well, this will get me to retire two years early.” Murph responded.

“Aw comeon Murph, you can’t be in that much of a rush to get to Palm Springs and hey, Jello ain’t you.” Riggs sniped.

“Fuck you too, Riggs. :Look, you know the drill, lemme see those Sergeants badges”.

Murtaugh and Riggs tossed Murph their Sergeants badges and were handed Lieutenants badges in return.

“Look, is there anything else, ‘cause I really do have some paperwork to do” querried Murphy.

“Uhhh, well, Murph, I kinda need some time off. I’ve got this.....” Riggs began.

“I don’t care, you want the time off, take it, it’s yours, better yet, take your partner with you, I’d love a few days without Chaos and Mayhem, now get out of here! And Riggs?” Murph intoned.

“Yes oh, munificent Captain?” Riggs related sarcastically.

“One, stop with the smoke up my ass, and two, for the love of god...be good? Please!”

“Ah Murph, anything to give you that coronary, I hear County General is looking for it’s thousandth patient, hear it’s a free set of steak knives!” Riggs smiled.

“Come on, Riggs” Murtaugh dragged Riggs out of Murph’s office.

“Shit, partner, what the hell am I gonna do now? I was saving that leave time for Me, Trish and Bermuda!" Rog complained.

“Aw comeon Rog, you’ll like Sunnydale, anyway, I hear the fishing is good.....” Riggs retorted .




Roger Murtaugh finished loading the last of his bags into the back of Riggs’s truck. He then made his way over to his wife, Trish.

“Ought to be only a few days, guess we’ll do Bermuda next year.” he apologized.

Trish smiled, “Ah Rodger, go with Martin, he needs you now, more than ever, anyhow, me and Ebony Clark can get some work done.”

Rog chuckled softly, then gave his wife a kiss goodbye, ever since his wife’s career as an author took off, he had really wondered why Riggs hadn’t made some sort of hay with it, like he had the condom commercial Rianne had been in and the “underwear incident”. < Guess he’s getting too old for that shit. >.

Rog then made his way to the drivers seat of the car, since Riggs was still kind of a mess, they had, by mutual acclaim, agreed that Rog would drive, not that he had had much experience driving Riggs’s truck, or the “monstermobile” as Rog referred to it.

“We ready?” Riggs querried.

“Yep, you got the map and directions?” Rog answered.

“Yeah, let’s go partner.” Riggs replied.

Rog turned the key in the ignigiton and slowly pulled out of his driveway, and mad his way out of his devlopment. He then turned right to get onto I-80 and the north-bound lane to Sunnydale. During most of the drive, Riggs was quiet, gazing out the window with a glazed over look in his eyes, as if remebering a far off time and place. It was a feeling Rog could relate to. He still thought about Mike Huntsacker from time to time, even though the bastard had been dealing smack later on.

Finally, about 6 miles from Sunnydale, Riggs broke the silence.

“Rog, sorry, I’ve been so quiet. It’s just...well...Joe and I were, close, as close as you I are. Thing of it is, after Vicky died, we lost touch. I kinda blame me for this really. Maybe, if I’d been there...”

“Hey, don’t talk like that, nothing you could do Riggs, you know that, and the past, let it be. Helps me get through.”

“Yeah, I know, but, it still hurts like a knife to the gut. Heh, we met in ‘Nam, it was my first tour in late ‘69, I was 19, and pretty dumb. But, I’d managed to get into the Special Forces, and, since I could shoot, they made me a sniper, Joe, he was my spotter, he was 22 at the time, and well, he became an older brother to me. He went home after his tour ended, I did another two tours and came home in ‘72. I was a mess, Rog. Vietnam Vet poster child. Anyhow, Joe took me under his wing again. He had just joined the LAPD and he encouraged me to go in too, so I did. After about a year as beat cops, he met a girl, got married and moved to Sunnydale. He joined the PD out there and for a year, continued to walk a beat. About the same time, I met Vicki through Joe’s wife, Celia. Anyhow, 5 months after Joe and Celia tied the knot, so did we. So in late ‘77, I get this phone call, Joe had been feeling very sick lately, turned out to be a rare form of Lymphoma. Turned out to be related to Agent Orange. He beat it the first time around, got it to go into remission until ‘97, when it flared up again. I didn’t see Joe after Vicki’s funeral in ‘84, but we used the phone a bit. But I hadn’t heard from his family for a month and a half ‘till yesterday.”

Rog nodded in understanding.

“I hope to hell Celia forgives me.” Riggs wondered aloud.

“She will, partner.” Rog reassured him.

As he said it, Rog made the turnoff for Sunnydale. As they approached the small town, something made both veteran cops feel very uneasy. Something they just couldn’t put a finger on.

Rog said it first “Hey Riggs, you get that “Bates Motel” feeling?”

“Yeah, Rog I do, never used to get it, but now, I do. I don’t like it.”

“Ditto man.” Rog seconded.

As the truck got closer to Sunnydale, the feeling of forboding increased, yet all was a seemingly normal, happy and bright small town.

“So, where did they live again?” Rog queried?

“Oh, um 1632 Rubello, next right, third house on the left.” Riggs answered.

“Nice neighborhood, might move here once I retire and the kids graduate.” Rog mused.

“Yeah, Rog, a lot of cops retire here, was thinking the same thing myself.”

Rog pulled the truck into the driveway, and shut off the engine. He tossed the keys to Riggs who caught them with a flourish. The house was a two-story traditional, with a white picket fence and beige siding. It had an ivy trellice on the left side of the house.

“Shall we, Riggs?” Rog said, motioning to the front door of the house.

“Lets.” Riggs answered.





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