Buffy sat on the roof outside her bedroom, staring into the darkness, not really looking at anything. It was so quiet, no a soul moved about tonight, even the vampires had stayed at home. She pulled her coat tighter around her and stared up at the clear night sky. The stars shone coldly down on Sunnydale, uncaring of the world below them.
She had left her radio on, the music floating on the air. Closing her eyes, she let the music wash over her as she lost herself in her thoughts.
**Tell me a story
Where we all change
And we live our lives together
And not estranged
I didn't lose my mind it was mine to give away
Couldn't stay to watch me cry
You didn't have the time
So I softly slip away . . .**
It had been three weeks since he had left. She wasn't sure how she felt about it now. To begin with she'd been upset, very upset. She threw herself into her work and beat every vampire she found into a bloody pulp before staking them. But in every vampire's face she saw him. Now she felt . . .
'I feel...nothing...'
**No regrets
They don't work
No regrets now
They only only hurt**
Buffy didn't think she felt angry, she wished she felt something though. Even hatred would be better than the emptiness, the loneliness. She heard her bedroom door open and someone walk in. The footsteps faltered, then moved towards the window.
'Please leave me alone'
**Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine**
Xander had come round to see how Buffy was. Giles was worried, Will was worried. Hell, even he was worried. No one had heard from her for a few days, she wasn't answering the phone and she wasn't checking in after a night's Slaying.
He walked into Buffy's bedroom and found it empty. The stereo was playing and the window was open. He walked quietly over to the window and found Buffy sitting on the roof.
"Buff?" She made no sign that she'd heard him.
**I know from the outside
We looked good for each other
Felt things were going wrong
When you didn't like my mother
I don't want to hate but that's
All you left me with**
He climbed out and sat next to her. "Hi there?" It was cold out on the roof. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Xander looked over at Buffy but she totally ignored him. Normally, he would have felt slighted by that, but he was too worried. "Buff?"
'It shouldn't be like this. This is all wrong. Go away, I should be left alone, I want to be left alone . . . I want to be in his arms.'
**A bitter aftertaste and a fantasy of
How we all could live**
"What do you want?" she finally acknowledged him.
"We're worried about you. I came to make sure you are okay."
"I'm fine, nothing to worry about. Yeah, I'm all 'five-by-five'." she forced a smile, still staring into the night.
"Buffy," he trailed off, unsure of what to say.
**No regrets
They don't work
No regrets now
They only hurt**
Buffy looked over at him. "Have you come to say 'I told you so'?" she said coldly.
Xander inwardly winced at the comment, remembering the amount of times he'd done just that in recent months. "No, not this time. Are you warm enough?" he asked changing the subject.
"You don't have to sit out here with me, y'know. You don't have to worry about me skipping town, I wouldn't want to cause everyone the inconvience. You never know I could lose tomorrow then everyone's problems would be solved."
Xander's eyes widened at her callousness. He grabbed Buffy's arm, the shock of the connect made Buffy look up at him. "Don't you ever say anything like that! Do you hear me? Never, ever wish for anything like that."
Buffy shook her arm free of Xander's hold, pulled her knees upto her chin and stared out into the night.
**(we've been told you stay up late)
I know they're still talking (you're far to short to carry weight)
The demon's in your head (return the videos they're late)
If I could just stop hating you(goodbye)
I'd feel sorry for us instead**
"Maybe he should have been staked while we had the chance," Xander muttered.
Buffy's head snapped up. "What did you say?" she asked angrily.
**Remember the photographs (insane)
The ones where we all laugh (so lame)
We were having the time of our lives
Well thank you it was a real blast**
"You can't expect me to mourn his leaving," Xander snapped back. "All he's done since he came into your life is cause you trouble."
"What's up? Jealous?"
"Yes. I was. . ." he trailed off. "He hurt you so much," he carried on, quieter. "It upset me so much to see you so sad after he changed back. He wanted to kill you, yet you still loved him." Xander stared at his feet. "Even when you plunged that sword into him you still loved him and it tore me up inside."
**No regrets
They don't work
No regrets now
They only hurt**
"But what about Cordelia? And Willow?"
"I never said my life was simple? Quite the opposite in fact." Xander snored with amusement at the thought. "If reflect-me-not hadn't of been in the picture, things would be so different . . . probably. Maybe there wouldn't be so much hurt." He laspsed into silence.
**Write me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me i'm doing fine**
Buffy's mind wandered. The night sky inside her head disolved and reformed into Angel's face. She remembered them fighting, side by side. Bathing his wounds, walking through the darkness. *That* night. Then his face changed, it morphed into the demon's face, the face that laughed at her in her dreams that mocked everything she had held close, believed in and loved.
She could feel her eyes start to burn, but she refused to cry. She would not do that, not in front of him.
Xander glanced sidelong at her. She looked so lost and alone. He was angry, with himself and with dead-boy. He had come here to make things better, but instead have made them irrevocably worse. His eyes burned, he couldn't bear to see her like this, it wasn't fair.
'Life is never fair, not for us anyway'
**Everything i wanted to be every
Time I walked away
Everytime you told me to leave
I just wanted to say
Everytime you looked at me and
Everytime you smiled
I felt so fake and you treat me like a child**
Xander took Buffy's hands in his and squeezed them. He might shout at her and upset her, but he loved her. Really loved her. Of everything in the world, that was the only thing he was pretty much sure of.
She leant her head against his shoulder and let the long held-in tears start to fall. Silently she cried. Xander loosened his hands from hers and wrapped his arms tightly around her in a bear hug. She buried her head in his chest and let go. Her body shook to the silent sobs. Xander buried his face in her hair and started to gently rock her.
'I'll make it right'
**I loved the way we used to laugh
I loved the way we used to smile
Often I sit down and think of you
For a while**
After a long while, Buffy raised her head and looked at Xander. It sounds so cliched, but it was as if she was looking at him for the first time. For so long he had been her Xander-shaped friend - sometimes annoying, sometimes wonderfully sweet - but now he was something else . . . something more?
'Who are you?'
Xander reluctantly let her go and wiped the tear tracks on her cheeks with a finger. Fumbling in a pocket he pulled out a tattered tissue. Buffy silently took it and blew her nose.
Xander leant forward and kissed her gently on the lips.
"I know I can't make the bad go away, but I'll try," he looked at Buffy. "If you want me too." he added quietly.
Buffy looked up at him, her eyes seeming to shine in the darkness. She smiled, that little half-smile that melted men's hearts and which melted Xander's. "I'd like that," she said. He pulled her close again and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her head, wanting for all the world to be able to protect her.
She closed her eyes and smiled.
**Then it passes me by
And I think of
Someone else instead
I guess the love we once had
Is offically
Dead.**
Fin
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