Disclaimer: All characters, etc. belong to Joss Whedon and his company Mutany Enemy, not me. And, as always, the use of Joss Whedon’s name in this and all my fics is in reference to him as creator only. Any small amount of personality he may appear to have is for use within the fic and is not intended to imply anything about him as an actual person. Same goes for writer Diego Gutierrez and any other actor/writer on the series who’s real name is ever used within my fics.
A/N: Lamiel. Yeah. Lamiel.
Buffy Season Six: Recap
WRITERS
So we decided to kick off the sixth season with lots and lots of blatant inaccuracies! Can you spot them all?
AUDIENCE
Unfortunately.
BUFFYBOT
Look at me! I’m all the super-strength of Buffy with none of the independence!
WILLOW
Buffybot is here so that demons won’t know the Hellmouth
is without a Slayer to defend it.
AUDIENCE
What about the Slayer called after Buffy died this time?
(silence)
Say, where is she anyway?
WRITERS
Er, that mythology proved inconvenient for us at this time. So we’re just ignoring it.
AUDIENCE
Really? The show’s premise? Inconvenient?
WRITERS
Well, it seemed easier this way.
AUDIENCE
What about Faith? If Sunnydale really needs a Slayer, couldn’t she…
WRITERS
Hey, look at the pretty action!
The SCOOBIES hunt VAMPIRES with BUFFYBOT and SPIKE.
SCOOBIES
You’d think with Willow and Spike being superheroes, and
having a robot with all the powers of a Slayer, and with our collective years of successful vampire hunting, we could kill one vampire together.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, wouldn’t you just?
After many TRIBULATIONS, SPIKE sets the VAMPIRE on FIRE while LIGHTING a CIGARETTE.
SPIKE
‘Cause I’m just that cool.
FANGIRLS
Squee!
We are treated to LIFE WITH BUFFYBOT.
BUFFYBOT tells BAD JOKES.
BUFFYBOT makes SANDWICHES.
BUFFYBOT then freaks everyone by acting like she’s BUFFY.
AUDIENCE
You live with the physical manifestation of your dead friend.
You program her to act as closely as possible to your dead
friend. And then you’re upset when she reminds you of your
dead friend. You all have serious issues. Please, deal with them.
WILLOW
Or we could bring Buffy back from the dead.
AUDIENCE
Healthy.
WILLOW
But we won’t tell Giles, Spike or Dawn because they’d all care.
ANYA
Xander and I have been engaged for three months. But he won’t let me tell anyone about it. Does this mean something?
XANDER
Uh, no.
AUDIENCE
Well we’re convinced.
SPIKE and DAWN sit around and ANGST about BUFFY.
DAWN
And I’m not mystical anymore. Because.
SPIKE feels TRAGIC GUILT about BUFFY’S DEATH.
SPIKE
If I’d just killed her the first five dozen times I tried I
wouldn’t have to feel so guilty.
XANDER
I have doubts about raising the dead.
TARA
Well, it is against nature and everything good and pure to do,
plus it’d mess with powerful and uncontrollable forces of
darkness. But Willow wants to do it so it’s okay.
WILLOW
You’re such a good girlfriend. Now sit down and shut up.
BIKER DEMONS head for SUNNYDALE via BAD MUSIC.
WILLOW goes into the FOREST and GUTS a FAWN.
AUDIENCE
Oh. My.
GILES
Not knowing of your plans to bring Buffy back, I’ll be leaving town. Since I have no attachment to any of the rest of you.
TARA imitates the MUTANT ENEMY logo. All are pleased.
BIKER DEMONS destroy SUNNYDALE while the SCOOBIES try to bring BUFFY back from the DEAD.
SPIKE and DAWN look out the window.
SPIKE
Say, there are demons outside.
WILLOW coughs up a SNAKE and sits in a PILLAR of RED FLAME.
XANDER
I have doubts.
TARA
I can’t imagine why.
AUDIENCE
Um, if Buffy’s death is a secret, how does she have a
tombstone and gravesite?
WILLOW
Really…not…important…right…now!
AUDIENCE
But…
WRITERS
Pretty action! Look at the pretty action!
BIKER DEMONS attack! SCOOBIES run away!
CAMERA shows a decomposed BUFFY for about one second. It’s morbidly fascinating.
BUFFY comes back to LIFE. She digs out of her grave and is NOT CHEERED about the COOL SPECIAL EFFECT of GRAVE RE-ANIMATION. And her dress is ugly.
AUDIENCE
Plus, death, not good for the hair or skin tone.
BUFFY stumbles out of the CEMETERY. She sees the DEMONS kill the BUFFYBOT.
BUFFY
Say…this isn’t heaven.
SPIKE
Dawn and I should go outside in plain view of the demons.
DAWN
Um, no.
SPIKE
C’mon!
SPIKE does something cool.
SPIKE
Now I have a motorcycle! I rock!
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
The SCOOBIES find BUFFY.
WILLOW
Hey, I brought her back after all. Awesome!
A CONFUSED and TRAUMATIZED BUFFY saves everyone from the BIKER DEMONS.
BUFFY
Now then, I have to go kill myself RIGHT NOW!
DAWN
No! Sister love!
BUFFY doesn’t kill herself.
DAWN
Hurray! Now all is joyful!
BUFFY
Or not.
BIKER DEMONS leave town. SUNNYDALE magically LOSES all EVIDENCE of BIKER DEMON HAVOC.
This is similar to how it recovered from being nearly VAPORIZED in the previous SEASON FINALE.
AUDIENCE
Sunnydale must have one heck of a construction crew.
XANDER quietly polishes a hammer and smiles to himself.
SPIKE
Thank goodness Buffy’s back. I was feeling all this tragic guilt. Of course, now there’s gonna be dire consequences.
A POSSESSY DEMON attacks.
SPIKE
See? Dire consequence.
BUFFY kills POSSESSY DEMON.
BUFFY thanks her FRIENDS for saving her from HELL. The AUDIENCE isn’t fooled, but only because they’ve been watching the show.
BUFFY
Hey, Spike, I was really in heaven.
SPIKE
Really? But you weren’t a good Christian.
BUFFY
Yeah, go figure. Just don’t tell the others or they’d feel bad
for taking me out of a place of eternal peace and joy so that now
every moment is a worse torture than the moment before it.
SPIKE
I can see how you wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings.
BUFFY
Now I’m poor and need money.
ANYA
You could charge people for saving their lives.
BUFFY
That’s sick.
ANYA
That’s what they do on the Angel spin-off.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, what’s up with that?
WILLOW
I could get a job to help you with bills, since I’ve been free-
loading in your house after you died and everything, and I’m
responsible for bringing you back and therefore all your current problems, but I won’t.
TARA
I’ll live here and freeload with Willow since she’s my
girlfriend.
DAWN
And I’m your younger sister. There shouldn’t even be an
issue of me getting a job, even though I’m old enough to.
BUFFY
It’s okay, all the money and house responsibilities should be
mine. I mean I’m the one who came back from the dead and all.
GILES returns from ENGLAND.
GILES
Willow! Don’t re-animate the dead!
WILLOW
I darn well will!
We meet THREE NERDS.
NERDS
We’re evil because we like both Star Trek AND Star Wars.
SPIKE and BUFFY have BONDING MOMENTS.
BUFFY
But only because I barely have the will to live.
NERDS annoy BUFFY with COMIC RELIEF.
AUDIENCE
We’d rather have action but the sci-fi references are
pretty cool.
Note: AUDIENCE does not necessarily have a full understanding of the term “cool”. Said by a member of the AUDIENCE.
GILES
Here, Buffy, have some money.
BUFFY
Thank you!
GILES
Oh no, she’s becoming too dependent on me! I should leave
town soon!
AUDIENCE
Eh?
HALLOWEEN happens. DAWN is STUPID.
XANDER
Anya and I are engaged. It only took me four months to
tell anyone, so clearly I have no issues with it.
WILLOW
If I cast spells on Tara and try to control her mind, our
relationship can only improve.
Creator JOSS WHEDON shows up.
JOSS WHEDON
How ‘bout a musical?
AUDIENCE
Words cannot describe what you mean to us.
BUFFY sings a bunch of songs about herself. TARA sings about being under WILLOW’S spell and then is upset when she discovers hey, it’s true.
SPIKE
And I am so cool. Watch me win over the entire audience
with my stylish humming.
AUDIENCE
Squee!
FAN GIRLS
Exactly.
BUFFY tells everyone she was in HEAVEN. She then KISSES SPIKE.
AUDIENCE
Must…write…fan fiction…
JOSS WHEDON
Well, my work here is done.
JOSS skips merrily away, only to be glimpsed on occasion amongst angels and fireflies.
AUDIENCE
*sniff* Well, at least he’s happy.
WILLOW
Time for me to endanger everyone’s lives with wacky
comic relief!
TARA
We’re breaking up now.
GILES leaves town. Again.
BUFFY kisses SPIKE again. She feels ooky about it. SPIKE doesn’t.
WILLOW
I think I’ll turn Amy back from being a rat since I’ve been
able to for at least two years now.
AUDIENCE WHO STARTED WATCHING AFTER
THE THIRD SEASON
Um…WHAT?
REST OF AUDIENCE
We’re not exactly sure either.
AMY
The first thing anyone would do after being a rat for three
years is become a negative influence.
AMY and WILLOW push the DRUG METAPHOR.
SPIKE
Hey! I can hit Buffy without feeling any pain!
This means…
BUFFY has KNOCK-OUT WOW sex with SPIKE.
AUDIENCE fan fiction is officially put to shame.
BUFFY
Some people drink to forget their problems. I have sex
with the evil undead.
XANDER and ANYA plan their WEDDING. For many, many episodes.
AMY introduces WILLOW to RACK. WILLOW has a freaky acid trip.
DAWN
I’m fifteen but I act like I’m nine.
TARA
I’m still not getting back together with Willow.
DAWN
(whines)
Why no-ot?
WILLOW almost kills DAWN in a car.
DAWN
Oh, that’s why.
WILLOW
That does it. No more scented candles for me!
DAWN is a brat to BUFFY.
DAWN
You haven’t gone comatose or died for me in at least
six months!
AUDIENCE
You so should have ended last year kid.
BUFFY gets a CUTE haircut.
The NERDS turn BUFFY invisible and she has sex with SPIKE.
WILLOW and BUFFY identify the NERDS.
BUFFY
They’re all bit actors from previous episodes! And hey,
I still need money!
BUFFY gets a job at DOUBLEMEAT PALACE and she has sex with SPIKE.
WILLOW
Amy, you’re bad karma. Go be a non-rat somewhere else.
BUFFY stands on a catwalk and she has disturbing sex with SPIKE.
BUFFY
Tara, Spike and I have been sleeping together. I feel angst
about it.
TARA
Are you and I friends?
BUFFY has her TWENTY-FIRST birthday and she DOESN’T have sex with SPIKE.
DAWN
Revelation: I’ve been stealing from everyone and
everything for months. Now shower me with attention.
BUFFY
I feel so guilty!
AUDIENCE
Why?
NERDS
Let’s go hypnotize a girl and make her our sex slave!
WARREN
We’ll use my ex-girlfriend Katrina. Because I’m a creep.
KATRINA
This is rape!
JONATHAN AND ANDREW
We hadn’t thought of that.
WARREN kills KATRINA.
WARREN
Hence I cross the line from comic annoyance to genuine
bad guy.
ANDREW
Wow, I think I’m falling in love with you.
JONATHAN
Maybe I should have made different friends.
WARREN
C’mon. Let’s go make Buffy think she killed Katrina!
In response to this, BUFFY beats the CRAP out of SPIKE.
AUDIENCE
She didn’t do that much damage to him when they
were mortal enemies!
In a not-quite-believable way, BUFFY figures out the NERDS killed KATRINA. She doesn’t feel a need to tell the POLICE.
RILEY
Buffy! I’m here on a highly classified pretense to make you
feel bad about your life!
BUFFY walks out on her job and has sex with SPIKE in response.
RILEY finds them of course.
BUFFY
This might just be the worst moment of my life.
SPIKE
It’s just about the best moment of mine!
RILEY leaves town with his WIFE.
BUFFY
Maybe sex with soulless undead creatures not such a
great idea.
SPIKE
But I look so cool.
FANGIRLS
Squee!
SPIKE
See?
ANYA
Okay, we’re ready to have our wedding now!
XANDER
Or not.
XANDER leaves ANYA at the ALTAR.
AUDIENCE
There goes the one chance of the season to have a happy
episode.
XANDER
It’s a fear thing.
ANYA
Well, this is ironic.
ANYA turns back into a VENGEANCE DEMON. There doesn’t seem to be any point to this.
Suddenly, there is an EVIL EPISODE!!!!!!
BUFFY is NOT a VAMPIRE SLAYER.
BUFFY is a GIRL with an ACUTE MENTAL DISEASE in a HOSPITAL in LA.
NOTHING in the last SIX YEARS has been REAL.
AUDIENCE
But…we kind of liked the Slayer idea…cool fantasy
and…
WRITER DIEGO GUTIERREZ
But wouldn’t you rather think she was a sad case in a
mental institution?
AUDIENCE
Who are you?
ANYA
When you leave a thousand year old vengeance demon at
the altar, expect payback!
ANYA uses COMIC RELIEF to attempt payback. COMIC RELIEF, we’ve learned this season, is a DANGEROUS FOE.
ANYA gives up and just sleeps with SPIKE, as we’ve learned depressed women are wont to do.
EVERYONE watches on VIDEO.
BUFFY looks AS UPSET as EVERYONE ELSE.
EVERYONE ELSE
Wow, Buffy must have been sleeping with Spike.
XANDER
I’m so upset I’m gonna talk in a lower vocal register!
For some unknown reason, SPIKE is at GRIEVOUS FAULT for sleeping with ANYA.
TARA and WILLOW kiss for the second time in their two-year relationship.
WILLOW
Yippee! We’re back together!
WILLOW and TARA imply sex scenes have taken place. And they kiss a lot more.
AUDIENCE
They’re catching up to every heterosexual character
portrayed on TV in the last 30 years. One of them will
probably die soon.
WARREN
Now that I’m officially evil it’s time to be threatening!
WARREN gets SUPER-STRONG.
SPIKE
If I try to rape Buffy, I’ll win her heart!
BUFFY has an intensely negative reaction to this.
SPIKE
That’s funny, it always worked with Drusilla. Time to go look cool with angst.
AUDIENCE
You’re darn lucky you’re good looking, or we’d be upset
with you!
SPIKE says something cool and rides away on his MOTORCYCLE.
FANGIRLS
Squee!
BUFFY goes out and fights SUPER-STRONG WARREN.
WARREN
I hate women and have an inferiority complex. Now watch me
say sexist things.
BUFFY
This fight is actually pretty good therapy for me right now.
JOHNATHAN
Smash his orbs!
BUFFY somehow understands what this means, as opposed to what it sounds like.
WARREN loses his SUPER-STRENGTH.
WARREN
Well darn.
WARREN flies away on a rocket. ANDREW comically injures himself. JONATHAN feels betrayed.
ANDREW and JONATHAN are arrested by police officers who don’t feel a need to speak, or stay in the camera frame.
TARA and WILLOW kiss more.
TARA notices XANDER and BUFFY in the backyard and stands by the WINDOW.
She does not notice WARREN, who is YELLING and FIRING GUN SHOTS randomly into the air.
TARA is shot. She dies.
BUFFY is shot at closer range in the chest. She lives.
BUFFY
A person can only die so many times before it starts being redundant.
WILLOW
I want Tara to come back to life!
OSIRIS
No.
WILLOW
This is all very upsetting.
WILLOW goes GOTH.
DAWN finds TARA’S body. AUDIENCE almost feels sympathy for her.
WILLOW hunts WARREN.
BUFFY AND XANDER
What’s the deal?
WILLOW
Tara’s dead. I’m turning evil.
BUFFY AND XANDER
Please don’t.
WILLOW
Don’t you think it’d be a little anticlimactic if I didn’t?
WILLOW tortures WARREN in a FOREST.
WILLOW
I am way more the villain than you’ll ever be!
WARREN
I agree! I agree!
WILLOW flays WARREN alive. It’s morbidly fascinating. (Or maybe there’s something wrong with me).
WILLOW
I’ll go kill Andrew and Jonathan now.
There’s a chase scene.
WILLOW gains strength by killing RACK.
WILLOW
Now that I have all this power and am an ultimate
evil, I really ought to be trying to kill Buffy.
WILLOW and BUFFY have an AWESOME fight.
GILES makes a NIFTY entrance.
GILES
Willow! Don’t kill your friends!
WILLOW
I darn well will!
GILES and WILLOW have a WITCHES’ DUEL while BUFFY runs away.
SPIKE rides his MOTORCYCLE to AFRICA.
SPIKE
I look so cool.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
AUDIENCE
Oh, shut up.
WILLOW steals GILES’ magical powers. It’s unknown if GILES will SURVIVE.
WILLOW
I feel like destroying the world. Well, off I go.
BUFFY
I’d rather you didn’t.
WILLOW
Oh, fall in a hole why don’t you?
BUFFY falls in a HOLE with DAWN, and conveniently enough, so do a couple of SWORDS.
DAWN takes the moment to be ANNOYING.
DAWN
Why didn’t you tell me Spike tried to rape you?
BUFFY
Um…
DAWN
Is it because you don’t love me anymore?
WILLOW
To save you from this conversation Buffy, I offer you
freaky root structures.
ROOT STRUCTURES attack! DAWN impresses BUFFY by NOT DYING.
A SHIRTLESS SPIKE is batted about in a CAVE.
FANGIRLS start to go *squee* but AUDIENCE gives them a threatening look and they keep it to themselves.
XANDER leaps before WILLOW with all the ZEST of a SUPERHERO.
XANDER
Willow, don’t destroy the world!
WILLOW
I darn well will!
WILLOW attacks XANDER with LIGHTNING.
XANDER
Love conquers all.
WILLOW
Drat.
This is all POETIC and BEAUTIFUL and UPLIFTING, by the WAY.
WILLOW’S hair goes RED again. ROOT STRUCTURES go away. DAWN takes the moment to be ANNOYING.
DAWN
You always wanted the world to end!
BUFFY
No I didn’t.
DAWN
Really? Guess I’ve been a brat all season for no reason then.
AUDIENCE
Ya think?
ANDREW and JONATHAN catch a ride to MEXICO.
GILES lives!
GILES
So, Anya, your ex-fiancee, the one who broke your
heart and left you at the altar, just saved the world.
ANYA
Oh sure, NOW he does something useful.
Season ends with a feeling of hope in the air. Everyone is slightly less miserable.
SPIKE
I got my soul back!
FANGIRLS
Squee!
AUDIENCE
But…but…
Too late. Season over.
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