Disclaimer: All characters, etc. belong to Joss Whedon, not me. I was pretty disappointed to learn this, but I’m working through it.
Author’s Note: Writing can teach a person valuable lessons about herself. For example, in writing this I learned I love the term “mayor snake”. It just sounds funny. Mayor snake mayor snake mayor snake. Hee!
And as always this work was improved by the wonderful creative input of my sister, Lamiel. She puts the "beta" in "beta reader".
Best line of the season, for so many reasons:
MAYOR: I’ve got two words that are going to make all the pain go away: Miniature. Golf.
Buffy Season 3: Recap
Our season begins with BUFFY, depressed and in LA.
BUFFY
Life just hasn’t been the same since I
skewered my boyfriend and trapped him in a
hell dimension.
BUFFY has POINTLESS DREAMS about ANGEL.
ANGEL
It’s poetic.
AUDIENCE
Or it fulfills your contract. Either way.
Meanwhile, the SCOOBIES in SUNNYDALE try to be COOL and FAIL.
XANDER
Watch Cordelia and I continue our strange
yet peculiar romance.
GILES searches for BUFFY.
GILES
Now she wouldn’t be in LA, because that’s where she
grew up, her father lives, and she could disappear easily in it…
BUFFY saves STREET KIDS from the CHRISTIAN RIGHT, i.e. HELL DEMONS.
BUFFY returns to SUNNYDALE.
Her FRIENDS throw her a PARTY so they can be MEAN to her.
FRIENDS
We all hate you for leaving town without telling us!
BUFFY
I was, you know, recovering from the intense personal
trauma I had to go through in order to save all your lives,
not to mention the world.
FRIENDS
We don’t care! You’re a horrible person and deserve to be
eaten by zombies!
ZOMBIES show up with excellent timing.
BUFFY kills her MOM’S BEST FRIEND, thereby making everything better.
FRIENDS
Eh, you’re not so bad.
BUFFY is still EXPELLED from SCHOOL.
SNYDER
Hee hee.
GILES scares SNYDER, and the AUDIENCE along with him.
AUDIENCE
Whoa…freaky cool.
BUFFY is allowed back in.
We meet vampire MR. TRICK.
MR. TRICK
I’m oh so bad, uh huh.
We meet FAITH.
FAITH
I’m a rockin’ new Slayer with issues.
We meet SCOTT.
SCOTT
I’m sweet and adorable. Be my girlfriend Buffy!
BUFFY
Oh! Angel issues!
FAITH
It’s funny how all Buffy’s friends and family seem to like me
more than her.
BUFFY
Yeah. Funny.
BUFFY and FAITH go A-SLAYIN’. Turns out, FAITH has a FREAKY UNSTABLE side.
BUFFY
I feel a slight measure of concern.
Big evil VAMPIRE KAKISTOS is there to kill FAITH.
FAITH
Erm, he may have killed my Watcher and be the reason I’m
trying to hide in Sunnydale.
BUFFY
Well he would make a good candidate for Villain of the Season,
last year.
BUFFY and FAITH kill scary KAKISTOS.
MR. TRICK
I’ll go join forces with the Mayor, seeing as I need to be the
minion of somebody and Kakistos ain’t happening.
BUFFY
Hey Giles, Willow. Um. Angel had his soul when I skewered
him.
GILES
Wow, you must be pretty messed up, huh?
BUFFY hooks up with SCOTT.
BUFFY
It’s my way of pretending I don’t have issues.
ANGEL falls from the SKY. He is NAKED and SHIVERING.
ANGEL
I’m fresh outta hell and looking to brood.
AUDIENCE
Why don’t attractive naked people ever fall out of my sky?
BUFFY discovers a FERAL ANGEL who somehow found PANTS and PUT THEM ON.
BUFFY chains ANGEL topless to a WALL. She feels ANGST.
BUFFY
Who knew our love would lead to such drama?
There’s a BEAUTIFUL EPISODE about DOMESTIC VIOLENCE with LOTS of SUBTEXT about MALE/FEMALE DYNAMICS.
AUDIENCE
We so identify with the tragedy of being a werewolf.
CREATOR JOSS WHEDON
Really?
And, turns out, ANGEL might not be a total PSYCHOPATH from all the hell torture.
BUFFY
Now that you can form sentences, you should know
that I have a great life and boyfriend and I never want to see
you again.
ANGEL
Um, okay. It’s not like I clung to the image of you for my own
sanity as I suffered a hundred years of torture, or anything.
SCOTT
Hey, Buffy, I just came up with a lame excuse to break up with you.
Bye!
BUFFY
This makes me so mad I want to be Homecoming Queen!
BUFFY and CORDELIA compete to be HOMECOMING QUEEN. They’re also hunted, but that’s a side issue.
WILLOW and XANDER kiss.
WILLOW
We’re bad evil guilty people.
XANDER
I don’t see the harm. I mean, sure, we’re both involved with
other people whom we love deeply, but…
XANDER never actually finishes this thought, though he does defend himself ardently throughout the season.
AUDIENCE learns that MAYOR RICHARD WILKINS III is EVIL.
AUDIENCE
Well, sure, politician.
ANGEL does topless TAI CHI.
ANGEL
It’s my way of having depth.
AUDIENCE
Mm-hmm.
CANDY turns the ADULTS of SUNNYDALE into TEEN-AGERS while the SCOOBIES take their SATs.
GILES
I’m wicked freaky at seventeen.
GILES beats up an OLD MAN to impress JOYCE.
JOYCE
Neato.
JOYCE sleeps with GILES. This just goes to show, cruelty to senior citizens is not only funny, it will also be rewarded.
Turns out, ETHAN RAYNE is responsible. In the sense that he was hired by the MAYOR. Who wanted the distraction in order to KILL BABIES.
AUDIENCE
Why is it bad guys always try to kill babies?
BUFFY saves the day like she’s some kind of superhero.
WILLOW and XANDER continue their OOKY AFFAIR.
GWENDOLYN POST
I’m here to be British and upsetting. I am your new
Watcher, Faith.
FAITH
I feel initial resistance.
XANDER discovers ANGEL is ALIVE and KISSING BUFFY.
SCOOBY GANG
This is not cool.
BUFFY
Yeah, but Angel’s good and he’s doing good things and he
recovered from that hundred years of torment thing
in like no time flat…
GILES has a great emotional speech about being tortured and whatnot.
AUDIENCE
Well, he may have a point.
GWENDOLYN POST wins over FAITH.
GWENDOLYN POST
I offer the structure and sense of a stable mother figure this
dear girl so desperately needs.
But then, turns out, GWENDOLYN POST is evil. Go figure.
BUFFY kills ‘er.
FAITH
Funny how this just destroyed my last shred of trust in people.
ANGEL saved WILLOW’S life, which makes her like him again. But then, WILLOW always was a soft touch. Other SCOOBIES decide to hate ANGEL less.
The SCOOBIES get their SAT scores.
WILLOW
I could have done slightly better. Angst!
XANDER
I did really really bad. But that’s okay. Surely others
will have done badly as well.
BUFFY and CORDELIA both got WOW-GOOD scores.
AUDIENCE
How??
XANDER
Heh heh. Oh, I’m miserable.
SPIKE appears!
SPIKE
I’m here to be funny, as former arch-nemeses so often are.
SPIKE serves as a catalyst for all the couples on the show to break up.
SPIKE
For I am super perceptive. Buffy and Angel, you two will never
work out.
AUDIENCE
No kidding.
CORDELIA and OZ walk in on WILLOW and XANDER making out.
CORDELIA
And the near fatal wound I got directly after this discovery is
just the perfect complement to the whole situation.
XANDER
Yeah, but you see how Willow and I weren’t actually
doing anything wrong, don’t you?
SPIKE leaves town having resolved his own relationship issues.
On SPIKE’S advice, BUFFY breaks up with ANGEL. Again.
BUFFY
If we break up enough times, eventually it will take.
CORDELIA
By wishing Buffy had never come to Sunnydale, I’ll bring
vengeance down on Xander.
AUDIENCE
How you figure?
Regardless, we get a FREAKY DARK episode of BUFFY, which ends with all the main characters DYING.
GILES
Death to Anya’s necklace!
ANYA
Not fair!
ANYA (a.k.a. DEMON ANYANKA) loses her magical powers, and everything returns to normal.
CORDELIA
Xander and I will never get back together, but in order to stay
a main character, I will insult him at random intervals.
JOSS WHEDON writes a BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING episode about FORGIVENESS.
JOSS WHEDON
Well, I needed to remind you all I was a genius.
AUDIENCE
We don’t mind.
OZ forgives WILLOW for cheating on him. It’s sweet.
CORDELIA shows up to insult XANDER.
ANGEL is FORGIVEN by the WORLD for being a MASS MURDERING JERK.
ANGEL
So I may have been brought back from hell because I have
some sort of amazing destiny to fulfill. Cool.
BUFFY
And we meet the First, though everyone will forget by the time
that means anything.
JOYCE
I so rarely do anything, I really should spearhead some mass hysteria.
SUNNYDALE goes CRAZY over a couple of DEAD KIDS and decides to KILL all the PAGANS. All minor witch characters – of which there are apparently many – are in serious jeopardy.
JOYCE heads the burning of BUFFY, WILLOW and AMY at the STAKE.
JOYCE
This is the only way to teach my daughter not to save the world.
AMY
I’d rather be a rat than be burned alive!
AUDIENCE
And to think, most of us never even make that choice.
XANDER, GILES and CORDELIA rescue BUFFY and WILLOW.
BUFFY
See, the dead kids were actually this demon I just slayed.
Metaphor about mob mentality lost on anyone?
WILLOW
Hey, I lack the ability to turn Amy back from being a rat.
Well, I’m certain I’ll figure it out soon.
WATCHER’S COUNCIL
Buffy’s turning eighteen and she still hasn’t died. Let’s kill her!
The COUNCIL steals BUFFY’S superpowers. She then has to rescue her MOM from a PSYCHOTIC VAMPIRE.
BUFFY
Call me unreasonable, but sometimes I just hate the
Watcher’s Council.
WATCHER’S COUNCIL
Giles is good for you and has proved himself trustworthy.
We’ll fire him since he obviously doesn’t understand the spirit
of the Watcher’s Council. A new Watcher is on his way.
BUFFY
How and why do you exist again?
XANDER is not a Witch, Watcher, Slayer, Vampire or Werewolf, and he starts to feel inadequate.
XANDER
I may not actually be a useful character. Hm.
EVERYONE ELSE does a PARODY of a TYPICAL EPISODE, while XANDER parties with ZOMBIES.
CORDELIA shows up to insult XANDER throughout the episode.
FAITH
I’ll take Xander’s virginity, ‘cause I’m bored.
XANDER saves the HIGH SCHOOL, though no one will ever know. But he gains CONFIDENCE, so all is cool.
WILLOW
And every impressive University in the world is wooing me.
How smart am I?
XANDER
The jokes I’m making may actually be my way of saying I feel
stupid and inadequate. Just a thought, if any of my friends want to comfort me. Please.
Everyone laughs. CORDELIA shows up to insult XANDER and leaves.
Enter WESLEY WYNDAM-PRYCE.
WESLEY
I’m Buffy and Faith’s new Watcher. The Council
prefers me to Giles for I am in no way competent.
WESLEY makes GILES look COOL.
FAITH
Come Buffy, let us rebel and be merry.
FAITH and BUFFY go WILD.
WILLOW
I feel left out.
FAITH accidentally kills the DEPUTY MAYOR – who, by the by, was on his way to tell the SLAYERS that the MAYOR is EVIL.
MAYOR
I just made it so nothing can kill or harm me! Isn’t that a
nifty talent?
CORDELIA and WESLEY meet.
WESLEY signals that he is attracted to CORDELIA with his bizarre throat noises.
WESLEY
Eega ooga ahk.
CORDELIA reacts in kind.
BUFFY and FAITH learn the MAYOR is dealing with MR. TRICK.
BUFFY
Hey, I wonder if the Mayor is evil.
AUDIENCE
Catching up are we?
FAITH
So not only do I not care I killed someone, I also went
to lengths so I wouldn’t get caught. Cause I’m just descending
down a slippery slope of becoming evil, I am.
BUFFY tells on FAITH to the SCOOBIES.
WESLEY overhears, and since WESLEY is a dope at this stage in his character, the AUDIENCE worries.
XANDER tells the SCOOBIES that he slept with FAITH.
XANDER
Anyway, she’ll listen to me. Cause we have a bond.
EVERYONE
Aww, Xander thinks they have a bond.
WILLOW is quietly heart-broken that XANDER lost his virginity to someone like FAITH. ‘Cause WILLOW rocks.
XANDER
Despite everyone’s warnings, I will go to Faith’s alone
and unarmed, for she respects the men she sleeps with.
FAITH starts to RAPE XANDER. She then changes her mind, and decides to KILL him.
ANGEL intervenes.
ANGEL chains FAITH to a WALL.
ANGEL
You’re descending down a slippery slope of becoming evil.
FAITH
Why yes, yes I am.
ANGEL
Don’t do that.
FAITH pauses to consider this.
Then WESLEY shows up with a gang of WATCHER’S COUNCIL MEANIES. They BEAT ANGEL UP, and ARREST FAITH.
WESLEY
You’re going to England to be tried for murder by the
fountain of wisdom that is The Watcher’s Council.
FAITH
Or I’m easily escaping. One or the other.
BUFFY confronts FAITH on the docks.
BUFFY
Don’t leave town. Stay and be my friend.
The MAYOR’S HENCHMEN – led by MR. TRICK – attack.
FAITH kills MR. TRICK, thereby saving BUFFY’S life.
BUFFY
Hey, maybe you’re not evil!
FAITH
Yeah, because being good would make such exciting drama.
FAITH secretly joins forces with the MAYOR.
ANYA
I was the powerful demon Anyanka who granted Cordelia’s
wish back in the day. Remember?
AUDIENCE
Well if we don’t you’re certainly explaining it enough.
ANYA tries really hard to get her powers back. Instead, she brings VAMPIRE WILLOW into the current reality.
WILLOW
Me as a dominatrix. That’s a concept.
AUDIENCE
Mm-hmm.
VAMPIRE WILLOW foreshadows that WILLOW has some tendencies toward the same sex, then quietly goes away.
ANYA
And I’m still stuck as a human. One with great comedic
timing, but human.
FAITH turns ANGEL evil again and together they chain BUFFY to a WALL.
The SCOOBIES figure out that the MAYOR is over one hundred years old.
SCOOBIES
We smell villainy.
FAITH
I’m on the Mayor’s team. He founded Sunnydale on a
Hellmouth to make demons happy. And he’s gonna
Ascend on Graduation Day and kill lots of folks.
BUFFY
It’s awful nice of you to explain all that for us.
Turns out ANGEL was FAKING being EVIL.
ANGEL
I just wanted the excuse to punch Xander.
FAITH
I feel so betrayed.
FAITH is officially OUT of the SCOOBY GANG.
BUFFY
Somehow, being reminded my boyfriend is a mass murdering
fiend makes me want to break up with him again.
BUFFY gets the ability to READ MINDS. This is useful timing, since it turns out someone just happens to be thinking about committing mass murder at the school.
Meanwhile, in real life, badness happens.
WRITERS
We’re postponing this episode, ‘cause, well, timing.
Turns out, when actual students commit actual mass murder at an actual high school, it takes the fun out of it.
Anyway, in this episode JONATHAN (the Beloved And Picked On One) goes up to the school CLOCK TOWER with a HIGH-POWERED RIFLE.
XANDER – suspecting JONATHAN is attempting MASS MURDER – is distracted by JELL-O.
BUFFY
Jonathan! Life sucks for everyone! I read minds,
so I know.
JONATHAN
Really? Guess I won’t kill myself then.
BUFFY
Wait, you climbed a high building with a long-range
weapon to kill yourself??
Turns out the LUNCH LADY is PSYCHO.
XANDER caught her with his useful JELL-O fixation.
BUFFY beats up the LUNCH LADY’S STUNT DOUBLE and thereby makes the world a better place.
BUFFY
And the whole thing with me starting to go insane helped
resolve my issues with Angel, so we’re back together. And I got
into Northwestern!
AUDIENCE
Again, how?
Suddenly the show channels MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE.
The MAYOR has a box.
SCOOBIES
We must steal his box.
WESLEY gives good advice, which annoys the SCOOBIES, since they hate him.
SCOOBIES steal the MAYOR’S box.
FAITH
I stole Willow!
WESLEY shows hints of both a backbone and intelligence, so the SCOOBIES hate him more.
OZ implies he may have emotions.
SCOOBIES give the MAYOR back his box in exchange for WILLOW.
MAYOR
By the way, Buffy and Angel, you two will never work out.
BUFFY
Why do villains keep saying that?
WILLOW
At the key moment when I could have escaped the Mayor on
my own I decided to sit and have a good read for several hours.
WESLEY
Why am I the stupid one in this episode?
WILLOW
Also, instead of stealing the Books of Ascension, I tore several pages
out that may or may not be useful.
GILES
Excellent!
WESLEY
And I’ve just been right about everything. Respect for me?
Anyone?
BUFFY realizes being the SLAYER means she can’t leave SUNNYDALE.
WILLOW
To support Buffy, I will stay in Sunnydale and go to the
University that suddenly exists here.
CORDELIA
I got into every amazing school ever because I’m secretly smart.
But I’m poor now so I can’t afford to go. I have to work in retail.
Audience surprised?
AUDIENCE
Eh.
ANGEL
I’m gonna break up with Buffy. ‘Cause it’s my turn.
BUFFY
I’m so upset I’m gonna go crazy about prom!
CORDELIA tells XANDER she’s POOR. XANDER buys her a DRESS.
ANYA
Xander! Go to prom with me!
XANDER
Uh…
CORDELIA spends prom-time with WESLEY.
BUFFY battles HELLHOUNDS set by TUCKER, i.e., ANDREW’S BROTHER.
BUFFY saves PROM.
JONATHAN
Buffy, we students think it’s pretty cool you keep saving our
lives. Have an umbrella.
BUFFY gets an UMBRELLA.
BUFFY
This is the happiest moment of my life.
ANGEL
Let’s dance.
BUFFY
Happy moment just got happier.
GRADUATION DAY, which so perfectly coincides with the MAYOR’S ASCENSION, is coming.
CORDELIA insults XANDER.
XANDER
The Mayor will be our Commencement Speaker. Not only
is that thematically awesome, but it makes practical sense on
so many levels.
JOSS WHEDON
Well, I did write this episode.
FAITH kills a VULCANOLOGIST.
MAYOR
That’s my good little daughter-figure.
ANYA
Xander! I command you to date me!
XANDER
I’m too stressed about the Ascension. Maybe later.
ANYA
Ascension?! That’s when a human turns into a demon. Angst about it, people! Angst!
ANYA also says something about all demons on Earth being human-hybrids, which makes no sense, but whatever.
ANYA
I’m leaving. I don’t do apocalypses.
XANDER
Well aren’t you the ambiguously evil one.
BUFFY
Mom, leave town before an evil thing kills us all.
JOYCE
Sometimes I worry about your life. Well, off I go.
WILLOW panics.
OZ
Sex solves problems.
WILLOW is the only SCOOBY to lose her virginity in a sweet and timely way. BUFFY’S would have been, but, uh…
BUFFY and ANGEL try dramatic tension for a change.
BUFFY
I don’t want you to leave town!
ANGEL
Then why did you break up with me five times this season?
FAITH shoots ANGEL with a POISONED ARROW.
FAITH
Die a slow and painful death you handsome man you!
WESLEY
The Mayor can be killed in demon form! I just figured out how
we can save Sunnydale!
SCOOBIES
We still don’t like you.
SCOOBIES work together to save ANGEL.
ANGEL
Awful sweet, given our history.
ANYA
Xander! I love you!
XANDER
What why and how?
ANYA insults XANDER, in the hopes this will make him skip town with her.
ANGEL is topless and sweaty.
SCOOBIES
He’s dying!
AUDIENCE
Is that what you call it?
WESLEY
Buffy, if you allow Angel’s illness to distract you the
Mayor will kill us all.
BUFFY
You have a knack for being right in very annoying ways.
WESLEY
Yet I’m still somewhat comical.
BUFFY
I’m quitting the Watcher’s Council.
AUDIENCE
Took you long enough.
BUFFY
Now I will concentrate on Angel, giving the Mayor a chance
to kill us all.
WESLEY
I long for a show in which they sacrifice main characters for the
big picture.
ANGEL
Hmm…
OZ
Angel can be cured if he drains the blood of a Slayer.
BUFFY
Logic says kill Faith.
MAYOR
I’m gonna eat these 50 billion freaky creatures.
FAITH
You know, vegetarianism: it’s not just for good guys anymore.
BUFFY and FAITH have an AWESOME SLAYER FIGHT.
Thought: How many of us watch this show for the hot chick fights?
BUFFY and FAITH both manage not to be BRUISED or INJURED during the IMPRESSIVE FIGHT.
BUFFY
The corner of my mouth is bleeding a little. Does that not
count for anything?
BUFFY stabs FAITH.
FAITH
But since you told me why you want my blood, I’ll jump off this
building. That way Angel still dies, and we demonstrate why you
should not reveal all your plans before killing someone.
BUFFY stumbles away, LEAVING THE KNIFE BEHIND.
BUFFY
I’m having an emotional day.
MAYOR
So am I.
The MAYOR grieves about FAITH with some EXCELLENT ACTING.
CORDELIA
Buffy quitting the Council means my kinda sorta love interest
Wesley moves back to England. This makes me want to insult
Xander!
BUFFY
Angel, you have to drain all the blood out of my body in order
to live.
ANGEL
Doing that would feel wrong somehow.
BUFFY forces ANGEL to drink her. He does. For a long long time. It’s a little…metaphorical.
AUDIENCE
Wow! And to think vampires usually drain all the blood out of
people in under a second on this show. This is more realistic,
but still.
ANGEL takes BUFFY to the HOSPITAL.
ANGEL
I feel guilt.
The MAYOR is there grieving over FAITH, who suddenly has LOTS OF BRUISES. Plus, she’s in a COMA.
MAYOR
Darn that rascally Buffy!
The MAYOR finds BUFFY and starts to KILL her.
ANGEL
(actual line)
Don’t do that!
AUDIENCE
Did he just say ‘don’t do that’??
About TEN HOSPITAL STAFF saw THE MAYOR try to KILL an INJURED TEEN-AGE GIRL, yet he never faces any LEGAL or PUBLIC RELATIONS issues.
ANGEL tells the SCOOBIES he drank BUFFY’S BLOOD.
ANGEL
I’ll go off and angst now.
XANDER
Wow I hate you.
BUFFY and FAITH share a DREAM.
FAITH
We share a Slayer bond. The cat and Little Miss Muffet
foreshadow the little sister monks will make for you in about
two years because of a situation that hasn’t happened yet.
BUFFY
What??
AUDIENCE
Even when you know what she’s saying, it still doesn’t make
any sense.
FAITH
The Mayor has a sense of love and loyalty. This is called
human weakness. Prey on it.
BUFFY
Okey-doke!
BUFFY is suddenly BETTER.
BUFFY
I have a plan to take down the Mayor.
AUDIENCE
Yeah? What is it?
JOSS WHEDON
Like we’d tell you.
WESLEY
I’m not leaving town until the Mayor is defeated.
SCOOBIES
Noble idiot.
MONTAGE of MAYOR POSSE and SCOOBIES preparing for BATTLE.
SCOOBIES talk to RECURRING EXTRAS.
RECURRING EXTRAS
We’re finally gonna die!
CORDELIA and WESLEY cannot hold their PASSION back any longer! They KISS in the SECLUSION and SEXINESS of the LIBRARY!
It doesn’t go well.
CORDELIA AND WESLEY
Well, so much for that.
AUDIENCE
That was hilarious!
ANGEL
Everyone remember, I’m leaving town right after the
Ascension. There’s angst.
BUFFY
And drama.
ANGEL
Angst and drama.
WILLOW and OZ have SEX at every opportunity.
WILLOW
Well, I keep panicking.
GRADUATION starts.
MAYOR
Here’s my speech. Notice how it touches on all the themes
of the season while at the same time being perfectly appropriate
as a commencement address?
JOSS WHEDON
Okay, you got me! I wrote this part too. Wow I’m a genius.
The MAYOR’S speech is interrupted when he turns into a SNAKE.
AUDIENCE
You know, as lifetime goals go, it seems he could have
aimed a little higher.
ECLIPSE happens. VAMPIRES make an appearance.
GRADUATES’ PARENTS flee, leaving their kids behind.
GRADUATES
We’re pretty content to stand here.
AUDIENCE
Whatsoever are they doing?
BUFFY gives an order, and the BEST TV MOMENT EVER occurs.
GRADUATES fling off their ROBES and reveal BATTLE GEAR!
AUDIENCE
They knew what was going to happen, and they still brought
their parents?? Sunnydale families are messed up.
BATTLE happens! KIDS shoot VAMPIRES with FLAMING ARROWS (which is just common sense).
ANGEL looks cool! WESLEY falls down! LARRY dies! SNYDER is EATEN by the MAYOR SNAKE!
AUDIENCE
That may have just been the most perfect death scene for a
character EVER!
BATTLE continues! HARMONY is turned into a vampire! JONATHAN tackles a vampire! CORDELIA stakes a vampire!
BUFFY
Okay, let’s make it personal.
BUFFY shows the KNIFE she stabbed FAITH with to the MAYOR SNAKE. No one knows how she got it back, since she LEFT IT AT THE MAYOR’S MANSION.
MAYOR SNAKE
You fiend!
BUFFY leads the MAYOR SNAKE to the SCHOOL LIBRARY.
The LIBRARY is filled with BOMBS.
AUDIENCE
That’s a new look for it.
BUFFY leaps out the WINDOW, runs to GILES, and BLOWS UP the SCHOOL.
So ends MAYOR SNAKE.
JONATHAN holds CORDELIA.
AUDIENCE
Go Jonathan!
ANGEL
Buffy, behold my puppy eyes.
BUFFY and ANGEL look across the many FIRE TRUCKS at each other.
ANGEL
Angst!
BUFFY
Sigh!
ANGEL
Angst and sigh!
BUFFY
Angst sigh and alas!
ANGEL
Angst sigh alas and farewell!
AUDIENCE
Just leave already!
ANGEL disappears into the SMOKE.
AUDIENCE
Wait! We miss him!
JOSS WHEDON
Well there is this show next season called “Angel”, if
anyone’s interested.
OZ
Season three just ended. Let’s think about this.
OTHERS
Eh. Next season has Frankenstein.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, but it’s not as good.
So angst sigh alas and farewell, Season Three!
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Rave
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Wendyness (Wendy)
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