He sat hunchbacked, alone on the steps outside school, staring up at the setting sun. Confusion ran rampant through his mind. The longer he put off trying to sort through it, the louder and louder it got. His world, his entire universe had just gone topsy-turvy, and he didn't have a clue of what to do. Or even where to begin dealing with it.
Xander sighed heavily, replaying scene after scene in his minds eye. The first week of school had been an ....experience. In those few short days, he'd done more emotional maturing than he had in the last four years. It was so weird. Feeling so many emotions, in such a short time, only to discover that everything he'd thought, everything he'd felt was all just an illusion.
It all began the night before school started, before Buffy had returned. Those silly games as they walked.... the ice cream... and then... God, he had never wanted to kiss anyone as much as he had Willow. It was such a strange yet incredible sensation; the tension, the growing breathless anticipation, the growling of the vampire.
The vampire that had interrupted that moment was a real piss-off. For the first time in his life, he had found himself in a "moment" that felt so unbelievably right..and it had slipped completely away with that vampire showing up.
"At least he's dust now," he thought. The vengeful smile forming across his face, taking solace in that brief moment of revenge. The thoughts entering his conscious mind however quickly replaced that smile with a frown.
Willow was probably grateful to that vampire. After all, hadn't she turned him down over the Spring Fling? "I was a jerk. Asking her out after Buffy did the "just friends" routine." He muttered to himself, absently rubbing his hand across the back of his aching neck. "What was I thinking? I should have never put her in that position. She had every right to tell me to go shove for being so cruel."
Then later, at the Bronze. Buffy slinking in seductively, asking him to dance. His every wish, his fondest dreams finally being fulfilled. Her body, sexily grinding against his. Yet despite all that, he felt ...nothing. No spark, no interest. Yes there was lust, yes there was a perverse sense of pleasure at what she was doing, but nothing substantial, no connection.
No, seeing Buffy like that, at her bitchiest, awoke a part of himself that he had never known before. Had he ALWAYS felt this way? Was it always this strong? What took him so long to realize?
And more importantly, was it real?
A dejected sigh ripped from his throat. Standing, he kicked absently at a small pebble on the step, watching it spin and fall. Allowing his feet to follow that stone, he aimlessly wandered down the stairs, and blindly across the courtyard towards the fountain. Since school was out, the campus was virtually deserted. Buffy was in the library, as was Willow. It was supposed to be a quick drop in and leave visit, but he knew better. Xander had elected to take the few minutes to try and get his thoughts in some sort of order.
Bending down, he scooped up a small handful of little stones, and began trying to make them skip in the pools of rapidly moving water. As they darted across the surface, his mind replayed the vampire's trap in the library. Just like the jumping pebbles, things had moved quickly. One moment, the threesome had been holding their own, the next thing they knew....
He had heard Willow's scream, and turned to help her just as a vampire grabbed him and threw him into the railing. The last thing he saw was Willow being dragged away, kicking and screaming. When he came to, Willow and Giles were gone, and Buffy was walking in.
In retrospect the fury, the rage, and the undeniable near hate he'd felt toward the Slayer shamed him. Yet he had been so afraid for Willow, so afraid she would be hurt or destroyed like Jesse was, so terrified that he would never see her smile again...he lashed out at Buffy. "If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you."
Looking back however, he realized how ridiculous it was to even think he could kill the Slayer. It was a pure stroke of luck she hadn't pounded him into the ground for saying that. That, or she was probably too busy trying to keep herself from laughing at his temerity. And yet, he'd meant every word.
It unnerved him even more to realize, that if he didn't kill her, he would cheerfully let Buffy kill him. Did his feelings for Willow really run THAT deep? "I thought that was soap-opera melodrama... nobody feels like that, do they?" He muttered, staring down at his wavering reflection.
And seeing Willow hanging upside down above the Master's skeletal remains; Xander felt his stomach lurch once more. She was so close to that vampire with the knife. Xander had no doubt that if Angel, Buffy and himself hadn't arrived when they did, Willow would have been the first sacrifice.
She was such a tiny person, that the beating she had taken at the library kept her unconscious far longer than the others. While Buffy was doing her little "ridding the world of a few more vampires" routine, he had cradled his friend in his arms, taking comfort in the sight of her steady breathing.
When did he fall in love with her? The strength of these feelings weren't new, only his awareness of them were. He could remember the zookeeper, about to kill Willow, and felt the panic again. His Willow. Nobody hurt HIS Willow.
But...she didn't want to be his. No, there was some other guy in school that she pined for. She had understood his crush on Buffy so well, empathized so perfectly...there had to be some guy out there that she was so hung up on.
And Xander was jealous of him. The only thing he could do is wait, and hope. Maybe one day, Willow would notice her best friend as more than her best friend.
He just had to wait.
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