DISCLAIMER: All BtVS characters and story lines were created by Joss Whedon and his minions. Everything is owned by the WB and a lot more people. All I own is the angst poured into this little display of depression.
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Angel,
I don't know if you'll ever get this letter. I'll probably just wad it up and pitch it when I finish writing it, but I had to do something. I couldn't just keep it inside anymore. And since you're not here for me to share it with, well, you're the only one anyway who would understand what I'm saying. I tried to explain it to Willow, but as much as I know she cares, she'll never know what I'm feeling. No one will. Well, except for you.
I couldn't even send this to you if I wanted to. How could I? You didn't even know where you were going, or did you? Did you have that planned already? When you left that night, after we killed the mayor. God that was a wild night. I didn't even have a chance to worry about you, or anyone for that matter. I was too freaked out by the ascension, and trying to distract him away from the rest of you. But I knew you were there, and that was enough to help me do what I had to do. But that was weeks ago, and I'm still in limbo, Angel. When you told me you weren't going to say goodbye, that you were just going to leave after it was over, I was so numb, still in shock I guess that you were actually going to leave. I guess I was hoping that after what we'd gone through after you were poisoned that maybe you'd changed your mind. Did I ever thank you for saving my life? I guess not. You were gone by the time I left the hospital, and then we were so wrapped up preparing for battle that we never got to talk.
I quit the council. Did you know that? Probably not. They wouldn't help us find a cure for you. Wesley tried, I'll give him that much, but not enough. I couldn't believe it when he told me that they refused to help. It didn't matter that you'd helped us; they just turned their backs and said no, to let you die. I told Wesley that I quit. I don't know what will happen to me, if anything. I really don't care. All that mattered was getting you healed. I couldn't watch you die, Angel. When Oz and Willow found the cure, I knew what I had to do. I didn't think it would be that hard to fight Faith. It's so sad how things went down with her, I mean before … before I killed her. Well, at least stabbed her. She didn't know what the cure was, but as soon as she found out, she was determined to either kill me or die trying to keep you from living. I don’t know when she went bad. She was like my sister-slayer, you know? Sure she had her own agenda half the time, but still, I really thought somewhere inside she still cared.
Our fight was unbelievable. I didn't think I could do it, but when I stabbed her, it was awful, Angel. I had a flashback of last year when we were fighting and I had to close Acathla. I can still see the look on your face when I stabbed you. God, Angel, I'm so sorry I had to do that. I know you didn't understand why, you were so disoriented. But Faith, she knew what she was doing, and it was either her or me. I knew that if she killed me you'd die too, so I had to do it. I had a dream about her while I was in the hospital. I think she understood, well, at least that's what I interpreted, but it was a really weird dream. Sort of an out-of-body experience. Hhm, that's sort of what I feel like now. Like I'm watching myself go through all of the motions, the day-to-day stuff I have to deal with, the slaying, trying to go on like everything's okay.
There are so many things unresolved, Angel. And I still don't understand why you had to leave. Maybe I will someday, I don't know. Right now I'm just finding it hard to breathe. Didn't you love me enough to stay? Was it not enough that I don't care if you're still as beautiful as you are now when I'm old and wrinkly and, well, if I even get that old. You know how things go with Slayers. Sometimes I swear I can hear the ticking in the back of my mind and I'm just waiting for that bell to go off announcing the end of Buffy Summers. You know, one too many lives. Geez, sometimes I feel like a cat, ya know? What is this, the second time now I've 'died,' and you once again were there to save me. And now? You're not here, and I don't know where you are.
I think that's the worst part -- I don't even know where you are, Angel. I mean, before I at least knew you were here, in Sunnydale. At the mansion, or patroling in the graveyard, or out doing that cryptic-guy stuff you do so well. I knew that sooner or later you'd walk out of the shadows, bringing a ray of light into my freaky world. And that you were there watching me even when I didn't know it, ready to fight along side me. But now… now I can't even call you. I just feel so lost, Angel. I know you said that it was what you had to do, and I know you were lying when you told me you didn't want to be with me. You're not a good liar. At least not to me. I know you too well. Then again, maybe I don't. I didn't see this coming. Should I have? Was I so wrapped up in us trying to be a normal couple that I missed the signs of impending dumping-hood?
I hope wherever you are that you find whatever it is you need to find, or do. I hope you'll think about calling me. Even if you don't say anything, I'll know it's you and that will be enough for me. Just to know you still care. That you still remember me. At least tell Giles, or send that weirdo demon friend of yours, Whistler, to give me a message. Angel, I need to know you're okay. That you're even alive. God, what if, what if… you know. I can't say it. I just need to know you're alive and well, and not living off rats again. You're supposed to laugh at that, by the way. My subtle attempt to lighten things. I’m way off the mark, I know.
Just consider what I've said, okay? Even if you don't want to -- you know how stubborn I am. At least lie to me and say you've read it. I can't get the image of you walking away out of my mind. It's burnt there or something. You were right, no words could have said it better than the look on your face, the pain in your eyes. That's how I know you still love me. How I know you'll always love me. And I know you want me to have a normal life, or as normal a life as a Slayer that lives on the Hellmouth could ever have. But no one will ever replace you, Angel. I don't want anyone else. When I look in the future, all I've ever seen is you with me.
You are more human than anyone I've ever known, Angel. And you always will be, no matter what you try to make me think. I love you, Angel, heart and soul, through night and day, through heaven and hell.
Buffy
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