Me, Myself and Angelus-By Cari Kinz
(This takes place during Season 5 after "Why We Fight". It deals with events
from Seasons 3-5)
Angel leaned his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes against
the fabulous view of the city.
It had been one of those days. He was tired and just wanted to rest but knew
within a few seconds it was going to have to wait.
"You there?" He asked and opened his eyes. The penthouse looked the same except
for the dark figure standing by the window.
"Always." Angelus turned and smiled. "Always here." he laughed and turned back
to the view. "It's not like you can get rid of me."
Angel sighed.
"Is that right? Huh. Well we'll see."
Angelus laughed again. He turned away from the window and shook his finger at
Angel. "Now now, don't get your panties in a twist. I'm only here because you
want me here."
Angel studied his evil alter ego for a moment. Although he had no reflection,
Angel knew what he looked like and obviously Angelus would look the same. But
there was a difference.
The eyes, he decided. The eyes are the windows to the soul. Buffy once told him
that his were the warmest eyes she'd ever seen. Angelus' were empty and cold.
"I want you here?" Angel said finally. "You are the last thing in the world I
want."
Angelus rolled his eyes. "Ok. Want, no. Need is probably a better word."
"Need? That's just craz..."
"You've got no one else." Angelus interrupted. He turned to the view again. "I
have to say, this is a great view. Darla would have loved it. It's good to be
king isn't it?"
Angel rubbed his eyes. "Now you sound like Spike. And I don't need you, I have
friends."
"And yet you're up here, alone, talking to me. That would be sad, if it wasn't
so funny!" Angelus laughed again and sat down in a chair close to the couch.
"You're problem is that what you need to talk about, you can't talk to them
about. The kid, the... uh.. what was it that Cordy called it? Oh yeah, the mind
rape you put on the others. Can't very well talk to them about that now can you?
Face it, I'm the only one who knows what happened and can appreciate it."
Angel said nothing and Angelus smiled.
"Great piece of work, I have to give you credit. I mean I've messed with
people's minds, but THAT was actually MESSING WITH their minds! You took a part
of their lives from them... and they don't even know it!" Angelus gave a low
whistle. "And you justify it... how's that again?"
Angel swallowed. "So Connor could be normal." he said softly.
"For Connor. Oh that's rich! Yeh, for Connor. Are you sure it wasn't because you
were tired of looking like a failure? I mean every time you looked at that
little shit you must have been disappointed. And why not? I mean, you screwed
up. Sure, you could have had a son but you trusted your good friend Wesley and
then you let Holtz take him into the Quor'toth. He comes back and tries to kill
you and nails the piece of tail you were after... Well, you know all that. I'm
just saying, he made you look like a fool, pal. Getting rid of him was the best
thing you could have done and then making sure no one could remember any of it,
brilliant. A plan worthy of, well, me. Course, I probably would have just killed
them all. Slowly. But you know whatever works for you."
"I'm not like you." Angel said.
"You are JUST like me!" Angelus stood and walked to the window again. "The only
thing that separates us is that I'm honest. You run around doing your goody-
goody routine but when the going gets tough, you do whatever it is that benefits
you. So Connor gets a new life and you don't have to deal with him. Your friends
don't remember so you don't have to deal with that." He gestured at the
penthouse. "And you get all this too. Did I mention this is a fabulous view?
Running Wolfram and Hart... Gotta tell ya, I feel so close to you now."
"I'm not like you." Angel told him again. "I'm on the outside, I call the shots.
Doesn't matter what you think because you are just a voice in a box inside my
head. That's it."
Angelus smirked. "We both know I'm more than that. I'm here now hero. I'm always
here. I hear and see everything. Did you have a nice visit with your old buddy
Lawson? He knows all about what happens when the going gets tough. Well... knew
anyway. But hey, you fixed that problem too now didn't you? You sired him,
turned him loose on the world to do what a vampire does... And then you staked
him. All with that shiny soul fluttering around inside you. What's that tell
you?"
Angel crossed his arms and glared. "It tells me that Lawson's visit bothered me.
Only I knew that. It tells me that no matter what I do now, it's not going to
make up for what you did back in the day... Or what I've done since. But, again,
I knew that. It tells me that I'm tired of second guessing myself and everything
I've done. Cordy came back to tell me I could do this and I now know that I can.
So it tells me that you are worried that I may just be able to pull this off. It
tells me that when I've stopped doubting myself, you feel the need to start
doing it for me. But I knew THAT too."
Angelus frowned. "You think you've got it all figured out don't you? Well, we'll
see. Keep thinking that and we'll be even closer soon enough. I'm always here
Angel. I'm part of what makes you, you. And you know that too. Catch ya later
sport."
Angel opened his eyes. The penthouse was quiet but he could still hear Angelus'
words.
And why not, he thought, he does live in my head.
Getting up, he went to stand at the window. Angelus had hit on all the sore
points but that was what he was good at.
He thought about the deal with Wolfram and Hart and about Connor. He thought
about his friends and what he'd done to them. And he thought about Cordy, how he
missed her and how she believed in him when he didn't believe in himself
anymore.
"When the going gets tough." he said to himself softly. The tough do what has to
be done and take their lumps later.
He had a sense that it was going to get worse before it got better. But the idea
that it WOULD get better made him feel pretty good.
It really is a great view, he thought as he took one last look out the window
and then slowly made his way to bed.
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