Disclaimer: I do no own Dawn nor Spike, no matter how much I wish I did. And I know I want to own Spike...
Dawn stared into the darkness, hoping that even it could bring her some relief from the core of blankness in herself. It at least presented some freedom from the emotion throbbing like a heart inside her. Every second was like a century, every minute an age, every hour eternity. And no was there to get it. No one *got* it. Buffy was dead. Buffy was meant to be dead. Dawn was meant to be surrounded by people that had loved her sister, and feel more alone than she had ever felt in her entire life. And if she would look at them, all she would see was Buffy. And seeing her, was too much for Dawn to bear. And the Buffy robot... She was around still. And Dawn knew she wasn’t the only one who found this very, very hard to cope with.
But he would never say he was having trouble.
But Dawn knew. She wasn’t as dumb as everyone made her out to be. Spike knew it, too. That she wasn’t dumb. And he understood her pain better than all the rest of them. Not that he would talk about it, ever. He was too... was too hurt at loosing the love of his life to even bother talking about it. Plus, he was a male and a vampire. Dawn knew those were two of the worst things to try to have emotional talk with. But if she bottled it up for much longer, there would be no time left. She would be too far gone in her own pain to hear Spike’s.
She was already far into her own pain. So far that not much could pentrate the fuzzy, muffled world she retreated to. At school, when everyone asked her what was wrong, Dawn had to lie. They could never know that Buffy was dead because that would mean she would have to go with her father who ran out on her and Buffy, Yeah, and that would be bad because? It would be better there than here, with all this pain. All these reminders that she was the only remaining female Summers. The only apple of her father’s eye. Except the fact that she wasn’t really that bastard’s child. She wasn’t even real and here she was... all alone.
Back into the muffled zone. Back to retreating so far down that no one would hurt her enough to make it stop. No one would put love into the core.
“Little bit? You upstairs?” came a framilar British voice. That vocie was powerful enough to pentrate it. That voice had power over Dawn. That voice pushed everything out and made a new muffling. Made a new zone where the world’s wall faded away. Made waves crashing against her sanity, crashing against her head.
“Yeah, Spike! Be down in second!” she called, jumping to her feet, her lips curling into a smile.
“All right, Little Bit. Hey, I’m hungry, what food you got?”
“I don’t know. We could eat ice cream...”
“That’s fine. What are we watching? Free cable porn?”
“No, I’m tired of porn. What about... wrestling?”
“Wrestling? You get off by watching guys pretending to fight?”
“No. I just...”
Spike looked up at Dawn when she came down the steps with a fake kittenish look on his face. Dawn’s heart pounded harder in her chest. Her breathing became fster and her mind swam... Her thoughts wouldn’t form properly.
“Fine. We can watch porn. I get the ice cream. Two spoons?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
Spike was lost to the world of pay per veiw porn.
“What kind? Low fat?”
“No. Got rocky road?”
“Uhh... yeah. And Bunny Tracks. Which one you want?”
“Get the Bunny Tracks. I feel fudgeidelic today.”
“Sicko.”
“Hey, that was rude.”
Dawn plopped down next to Spike. She had a big spoon full of ice cream and tried to ignore the televison. Spike was obsessed with watching porn and it sometimes got to Dawn. He couldn’t get Spice Network in his crypt. He said it had something to do with his reciever always getting knocked off by uglies.
Spike absentmindly ate it, his eyes glued to the screen. He obviusly was in his own little world, too. Dawn nudged a little closer to him. He was cold, but she liked the cold. She had been in the cold for so long, she couldn’t really remember what it felt like to be warm again.
“Spike, my hands are numb. You wanna hold the ice cream?”
“Sure, but I’ll get mighty cold, Little Bit.”
“I could warm you up,” Dawn offered.
“How? Got a blanket it or something?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Dawn set out on her search for a blanket. She pulled one out of the hall closet.
“Here.” She handed it to him and he wrapped himself up in it swiftly. He then took the ice cream from her and contined staring at the television screen and absentmindly eating hte Bunny tracks.
He put down his spoon and Dawn didn’t guite pay attention to what spoon she picked up. She took a bite from Spike’s spoon and when he reached for it, he got a fistfull of melting ice cream.
“Hey, Dawn. That’s my spoon.”
“Ooows” Dawn said through a mouthfull of coldness.
“It’s alright. I don’t really need ice cream.”
“No. No. I’ll wash the spoon. And my mouth. No wonder that tasted funny.”
“Thanks, that was really what I wanted to hear.”
“And sating you won’t eat the ice cream because I accidnetly took a bite off your spoon is an agelic statement.”
“Hey, I mean, it dosen’t matter. Look.” Spike picked up Dawn’s spoon and took a huge spoonfull of ice cream and crammed it in his mouth.
“Wewe.” He swallowed and took another bite. Dawn shrugged and continued eating with Spike’s spoon. “See? I’ no chicken.”
“I’m cold,” Dawn announced.
“Here.”
Spike made an opening for her in his blankets. Dawn moved in and layed her head down on his shoulder. Spike didn’t do anything, but continue to eat the ice cream and stare, enchanted by the porn. Dawn got comfortable and tried to enjoy the television. But she didn’t have the heart to tell Spike how much it rumfled her feathers.
Dawn rested her hand on Spike’s leg, feeling his warmth radiate through his tight fitting jeans. That was weird. Dawn had never quite this close to Spike, but she figured warmth didn’t bounce off him in waves like this. It made her head, her heart, crash against him in waves. It made her mind go bezerk. Made her heart beat echo in him. Made her breath move his body.
“Spike...”
“Yeah? What?”
“I need to tell you something.”
“Later, this is the best part.”
“No, now. I need to tell you this now. I need you to hear this now!”
“Little Bit...”
“Turn off the porn, Spike.”
“Fine, Miss Buffy pants.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Sorry.”
Spike grabbed the remote and switched off the porn with a little *beoopp*.
“What is, Dawn?”
“It’s not something I can quite say.”
“You gonna show me it, then?”
Spike turned to look at Dawn, but Dawn was not going to look at him. She immediatly wrapped her lips in his. He tried to get away, but dawn grabbed a fistfull of bleached hair and kept him in it. Spike struggled but relized she had the upper hand here. He let her do what she wanted, but Spike knew this was really, really wrong. Dawn’s tongue started probbing around in his mouth for his. He tried to keep her from it, but she got to it. Spike closed his eyes, his forehead furrowing in pain. He let her continue, he couldn’t really make a winning arguement in this case. He couldn’t really do anything. And he hated it. He hated this whole damned situation. He hated Dawn. He hated Buffy. He hated death. He hated himself for ever letting it happen. For being to stupid to relize that Dawn was indeed growing up. And she indeed wanted to show him she was ready for something he would never give her.
Dawn let go of him, beaming. Spike felt tears coming on.
“Dawn...” Spike could only say her name and stare at her with all his inner pain shining through his eyes. He looked at her and all he could see in his mind’s eye was Buffy. And what Buffy would be thinking. Now. When he hadn’t stopped her sister from tounging him.
“What? Didn’t you like it? Come on. I know this must make you feel better. Come on. It’s helping, isn’t it?”
So that’s what this was about. Buffy. It was all about Buffy.
“No, no it made it worse. Dawn look me in the eyes and say that was for me. Look me in the eyes and say that that was not selfish and for Buffy.”
“It was for pain. And it *worked*! I can look at you, and the world fades away. It comes crashing down and the tide splashes against my soul, knocking me clear against my feet. And there you are. Swimming in my veiw, you face buzzing in my head, you voice making boats rock at sea. Make me fall, Spike! Make me forget that Buffy is dead! The only time it dosen’t hurt, is when I’m with you. When I can feel my heart beat echo in your body, my breath, my life pound inside you!” dawn shrieked.
Spike’s jaw hung open. dawn was panting, tears streaming down her face. Spike tried to move, but his body, it wouldn’t listen. It took Dawn up in another kiss, less violent this time.
“No more tears. No more anything. Dawn, there are others ways to get out your pain. Treat me like a friend. The world can still fade for you, but I can’t save you from the tides anymore. I can’t save you from pain. And I can’t act like this is right. It is *wrong*, Dawn. I am 128. That’s far too old to be smooching on the couch with a 15 year old. Now listen. I can be here for you whenever you want. I just can’t provide that kind of servicec, alright?”
Dawn stopped crying and looked up at him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...”
“Shh.” Spike put a finger on her lips. Dawn immediatly stopped talking and looked into his eyes for reconignition. For a clue on what to do. There was no clue. No clue in those pale sapphires. No clue in those waves.
“It’s morning now. It’s 5 in the morning, luv. Must have lost track of the time. Better go to bed, huh?”
“Yeah.. Tired.” Dawn gave a big yawn which made Spike chuckle.
Spike followed her up the stairs. Dawn layed down, curled up under the covers. Spike closed the curtains and threw himself down next to her, making her tiny bed give a vilonet shudder. Dawn giggled and turned to look at him.
“What the hell are you doing?” she asked him, cuddling up beside him.
“Watching you sleep.”
“That’s disturbing.”
“Nah. I’ve done it every night since your sister was gone. 46 nights.”
“That’s really disturbing. But stay. Stay here all night.”
“Sure, Little Bit. I’ll stay ‘til the sun goes down.”
Dawn then drifted into a dreamfilled sleep. Spike just watched her. Watched her breaths. Watched her body twitch in sleep. Listened to her talk in her sleep. He wasn’t tired. He loved to watch her sleep. It made him feel all the more closer to his beloved Buffy.
*I guess we both find relief from the pain in each other,* he thought. *Well, I hope the girl understands.” But Spike had a feeling Dawn had been too far to gone to care.
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