I didn't create the series, characters or episode- the Almighty . I am simply writing my views of what Cordelia, Oz, Xander and Willow would have been thinking after "Lovers Walk".
This starts with Cordelia' s thoughts- will follow in a few weeks or so with Oz's
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The memories attack me- one by one. The first kiss in Buffy's basement with a demon waiting outside. All the times hiding in the utility closet- for once when I'm with a guy being totally happy. All the times he saved my life, and soon after I treated him like dirt. I was superficial, sarcastic, cruel. Then I found out Buffy had some interesting talents. I turned into someone else- someone who would put my life on the line to save the world. I remember the first time Willow-
Willow. The one responsible for everything. When I saw them.... No. I won't remember that. That memory is the one that hurts the most. I turned and began running- something I've done all my life. Running from being honest- running from countless demons. And running from him. Running from the chance of love.
But I ran up those stairs and suddenly fell. The spike actually didn't hurt that much- the pain I was feeling in my heart was worse.
I TRUSTED him. With my heart- I trusted him. He broke that trust by kissing Willow. I've always known that he was attracted to Buffy- but she was so wrapped up in Angel and slaying I didn't worry about it. Willow- well at first I had a slight feeling that she was in love with him or something, but then she became a witch and started dating Oz. He's probably in pain too. If it was a year or so ago- I wouldn't care about him. I'd be so wrapped up in my own pain that anyone else's would just be a thing I'd get over in a minute. But I've changed. I care- this is a new feeling, I'm not sure if I like it. Caring- I thought Xander - I've said his name without crying!- cared for me. I wonder how long he and Willow have been involved or it was just a we're gonna die thing. I know I get horny when I think I'm gonna die and Xander's always horny.
And so I lie here. Remembering the times we had together. Those pictures I put up in y locker- I remember thinking that day that I might be in love with Xander. Witty, cute, and ready to defend me from demons if the need be. What else could I ask for? We had so much fun that day- for once my smile in a picture is genuine.
I feel as though a part of me has died. The part that was sarcastic, mean and didn't care is dead- it died a few days ago I think. When I was thinking that I was in love with Xander. Another par of me has died too- the part that loved Xander with all it's might. Did I just admit it? I did love Xander. For how long, I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know. It'll be a memory I'll keep locked up inside me for I don't know how long. It could be with me until one day it'll suddenly come back and I'll cry. I know that I'll have to cry eventually. Right now I don't really feel anything so how can I cry? You need to care about someone to cry for them.
His flowers are there. Just out of reach of my grabbing range- if I could grab them I'd destroy them. They're a reminder of what happened. I'd told him to stay away- I pushed him away again. I've been doing that for so long. This is the first time I say it and I don't feel anything about it. I told him to stay away and I'm happy about it. Before after I called him something or told him to stay away something inside me coiled up and hurt. Maybe it was my caring, nice part. The part that has now taken over doesn't do that anymore. I don't know it I should be proud of myself or not. I just pushed away the only guy that really cared about me, not my car, my hair, my contacts or for that matter, my father's contacts. The guy who comforted me when I was sad, protected me when I was weak. Sure Buffy's saved me more times than Xander but I wasn't dating Buffy. I was dating Xander and when he saved me it was so nice and romantic. I used to think about it and suddenly there would be this pink tinge and everyone seemed to be smiling- it was probably the Midol. Now it's simply another chapter of my life. Another guy, only this one merited more than a few paragraphs. I could write a book about Xander, a long one. Well I could have- not now. Not when I hurt this much. Not when the memories hurt that much.
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