Xander rubbed his eyes. The figures on the papers in front of him were starting to run together, and numbers still weren't exactly his strong point. Have to get ready for the client meeting tomorrow. Have to at least sound like he knew what he was talking about. Which he actually did, just about every time these days, but he was always worried about that out-of-left-field question from a client. So he studied. Way more than he ever did in high school.
He was still pretty new doing the management thing, and still got nervous about the good impression-giving. He'd picked up his suit at the cleaners that afternoon, and it stared at him through the wrapping at him in his black T-shirt and sweats. Bed. Bed soon. Can't make a good impression when you're dead tired, right? It's why he hadn't gone out patrolling with Buffy. He'd been doing that a lot, especially during the summer, but with a big meeting the next day... sometimes, real-world stuff had to take the place of the whole evil-fighting gig.
Xander took another gulp of the lukewarm instant coffee in his cup. He'd really rather have hot cocoa, but he needed just a little extra caffeine to finish this. Not that it was working. At all.
Nice thing about the late hour? No Spike. He'd gone out to do whatever it is newly-souled vampires do, like he did every night since Buffy had brought him by as his new unwanted houseguest. He wasn't too sure about this whole soul idea... Angel had one - well, has one (being so far away, it was easier to pretend the guy didn't exist as much as he possibly could) - and look how much badness he was still capable of. Xander really didn't know if Spike's was any better attached than Angel's was and, honestly? He really didn't care, either. His opinion on the undead hadn't really changed all that much. At the end of the day, they're still vampires.
As he rubbed his eyes again, something seemed to flash just outside his vision. He turned toward the flicker... Nothing. Weird. Distracted from work, he looked around his apartment. So damn quiet. And so empty. A whole lot of nothing except him, what stuff he had, and that occasionally present undead roommate. Temporary roommate - he was only going to deal with having Bleach Boy around for a short a time as possible. Plus, him being around, even if he mostly just slept in his closet-ish room, made the emptiness of the place even worse. And reminded him of things he didn't like to remember.
He shook his head. Now wasn't the time to think about that. There really wasn't a good time to think about everything, about her, but now definitely wasn't it. Time to focus. He looked back down at the architectural sketches and the budget figures. Yes, bed soon, but just a few more minutes of review...
"Nice place you got for yourself."
Xander jumped off of his stool, knocking it over. A figure stood near the door, but he hadn't heard anybody come in. Panic... No, deep breath, looks like it's only one guy, he can handle this... "Okay, impressive entrance and all, but... who are you, what do you want, and how the heck did you get in my apartment?
"What, I can't stop by and visit? C'mon, bud. After this long, I thought I'd get a welcome. Maybe even a welcome-back party."
The voice sounded familiar, but in weird, distant kind of way. More like a memory than an actual remembered sound. "Party? Kinda hard without knowing what crawled in here to boogie." Xander peered at the shape in the shadows. "And I'm thinking that you're not a vampire, since I didn't do any inviting lately. Explain or get out."
The thing in the shadows by his door laughed. "Nah. Not a vampire. Got over that." Then it stepped towards him.
Jesse. Oh god, Jesse.
It's gotta be a trick, he thought. Somebody playing some twisted mind game. His mind was racing. Six years. It'd been six years since he'd lost his friend to vampires. Six years since a demon wore his friend's face. Six years since he'd watched his friend's body turn to dust around the hand that held the stake. His hand. Even if he hadn't done the actual staking.
This can't be happening. It's not real. It's a game. A big, twisted, screw-with-your-mind kind of game.
Okay, if this is a game, then fine. I'll play.
Xander focused on staying calm - or at least sounding like he was, which was a lot easier than actual calmness. "Jesse. Hey, been a few years. How've you been? Other than dead?"
Jesse, or the thing that looked like Jesse, grinned. The same grin he remembered. "Yeah, other than the dying part, things have been okay. Not a lot to do when you're dead, but I get by. You?"
"Not bad," Xander shrugged. "Working, the usual hanging out, y'know... stuff."
"Not so usual. C'mon, you think, just because I'm dead, that I'm out of the loop? I'm fully looped. You've been busy with more unusual than usual. Demon and vampire stuff. Well, that Buffy girl does most of it, but it's not like you're not around it." The Jesse-looking thing took a few more steps toward him. "Besides, hey, you turned my body into dust. That's something that's hard to forget."
Xander blinked. He'd been trying to repress what happened that day ever since it happened. Jesse, one of his best friends, a vampire... And he hadn't been able to do anything. And suddenly, just for a few seconds, it didn't matter to Xander if this was a ghost or a freak or what. He decided to get what was in his head out. "Look, I, uh... I know it doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry about what happened to you. If I'd been able to do something, I would've. We tried. I swear we did. But once you were vamped..."
"Dude, don't worry about it. I'm over that. You didn't do the bloodsucking, and I was dead after that. Happy to see the evil-me toasted."
"So, you're not...?"
"Bitter? Here for, what's the word, vengeance? Nah."
Xander blinked at the choice of words, but let it go. "Good to know." He crossed his arms and looked at his maybe-friend. "Now that we're done with the greeting thing, and don't think that I'm not happy to see you and all, but what exactly do you want? I don't exactly get visits from dead friends every day."
"Really? You have a lot of dead friends. They should stop by more often."
"Yeah, a lot of people I know have died. It sucks. More than I can say. But after that, we don't hang - well, unless they come back to life. Nobody's raised you lately, right? Still dead?"
"Doorknob-like."
"Okay then. So again I have to bring up the 'What do you want?'"
"What? Is it some crime for me to look up my best friend when I get the chance? I got a window, I used it, and I'm here. Not for long, but I'm here. Though you might actually be glad to see me."
"Yeah, of course I am, but... how do I know that the you is really you?"
"Oh, great, we'll just waste the time I've got with the 'How Well Do You Know Me?' game. Did I mention how little time I get to spend here? Not much more than zip. Look, I'm just here to hang out. Catch up. Talk. And, man, I saw what Willow almost did a few months ago. Heavy stuff, dude."
It was talking the talk and walking the walk he remembered, and it wasn't looking like this ghost was going anywhere anytime soon. Keep the thing talking. It either was Jesse - seriously doubtful - or it was here to turn his insides out, so best thing was to keep the thing calm and, well, talking. So he kept the game going. "You saw that? I know, seeing Wil like that... that sucked big time. She almost destroyed the world. Willow, world-destroyer... never would've thought that it would've gotten that close to happening."
"Yeah, I know. Weird."
"But I stopped her. Did you see that part too?" Xander grinned despite himself. "Who'd have thought I'd save the world, huh?"
"Big whoop. Least you could do, since the whole thing was your fault anyway."
Xander stared at the Jesse-shaped apparition. "Excuse me?"
"No, no excusing. Your fault. You messed up, just like you mess everything up in your life."
"Mess up?" Xander looked at the apparition like it was... well, a ghost. "What do you mean by that?"
"Oh, come on. You know exactly what I mean. Actually, it's the main reason I came by - to knock some sense into you. You've been waving your arms around like you make a difference in the grand scheme of all things grand scheme-y, but truth is, you gum up the works." Jesse's face turned bitter. "You stared with letting me die, and you haven't improved much since."
"Now hold on... okay, first off, I thought you said you were over the death thing?"
"Okay, I lied. But c'mon, you're forgetting that I've been all about observation since I kicked the bucket. Not much else to do when you're dead and going nowhere. So I saw it all. And not just talking about you seeing the gun before that Warren guy shot your friends... yeah, that was a bad one for you. And how weird is it that Willow's gay? Didn't see that one coming."
"We're not talking about Wil right now. You saw 'all' what?"
"Actually, we are talking about Willow right now. How she got too much into some bad stuff. Were you there for her for any of that? Like what she did to herself fighting that hell god? And did your wanting that Buffy girl back from the dead so badly blind you to what she had to become to make that happen? And then, after that? When Willow's girlfriend left her? Were you there for her then? No. Don't think so. You deserted her as much as you did me. And for what? Some wedding that you didn't even want to have. Nice priorities there, buddy."
"You done? Or do I need to get exorcist-ish and make you done?" Where's an axe when you really need one?, Xander thought. If this Jesse-looking guy was axe-able, that is.
"Like you could. No, you're going to hear me out. Like it or not." Jesse circled around to his side of the counter. "And let's talk about Buffy. The one who replaced me. You mourned for me for, what, five minutes? She took my place in your little circle in no time. I mean, yeah, she's hot, but we were friends our whole lives. And y'know what? That's what hurts the most, old buddy. Didn't think you'd replace me so fast."
"You weren't replaced. And you're going to shut up about Buffy. Whatever you're angry about, it's not about her. She tried to save you. You don't get who she is, what she's done, how much she's been through..."
"Yeah, yeah, the slayer. I know. And formerly dead, which isn't so bad, and I happen to know from experience. And look at you and Willow, dragging her back."
"We didn't know! And if you know who she is, then of course you know that we had to help her. We thought we were helping. And this whole time, I've been helping. I have to help her with what she does. And that's partially because of what happened to you. And she's my best friend, like Willow is, but different and..."
Jesse interrupted him "Best friend? Maybe, but... Are you hers? Are you there for her? Does she talk to you? Bet she doesn't. Bet she'd rather talk to some stranger instead of you about stuff in her life."
Xander just stared at the apparition. After a moment, he answered him. "Like anything I say is gonna change your dead mind on this. Why should I even bother?"
"And there we have it, folks." The Jesse-thing threw his arms into the air. "Why DO you bother? Why hang around people who are smarter, stronger, faster, and better than you? The only thing you have going for you, and this is recent, is that you make more money than they do. Before that? You fixed stuff. Hooray for you. And before that, it was just because of pity that they allowed you to hang around them. But you keep tagging along anyway."
Jesse began to wander the room as he continued. "Look, maybe things would've been better if you'd been the one who died and got turned to the undead instead. Didja ever think of that? I mean, look at how all this turned out. You got the girl I had a crush on, but she dumped you after you cheated on her. Nice going. You screwed up and weren't good enough. Lather, rinse, repeat on the screwing up and not being good enough. Big talent you have for that. Oh, and the girl you did want back then? Never wanted you. You've just been stumbling along trying to keep up and letting them drag you behind them."
"I keep up just fine, thanks."
"You really think so? What color is the sky in your reality? And let's not forget that ex of yours. Thought you'd get some sort of happily-ever-after with her, huh? 2.5 kids and a minivan? Hey, not arguing the fact that she's hot too, but come on! A former demon that you tried to mold into what you wanted... How'd that work out for you? Oh, yeah, fell apart. And whose fault was that? Yours. You took off. You never really forgot what she used to be, did you? And you turned her into a demon as much as you did me, only difference was she went back to it, chose it, instead of staying human with you. Because of you. And when you went to 'save' her from getting skewered by your supposed best friend? You think you did more good than damage there? 'Cause I sure don't. You've become more of a loser than you were when I was still breathing."
Jesse stopped and looked at Xander. "And y'know what makes you a loser more than anything else? Inaction, my friend. You're the king of it. You say you're all about action, but when it really matters? You're Mr. Freeze. You mess up people's lives by not doing something when you should've. Not helping Willow. Not helping Buffy, or stopping the guy who shot her or Willow's girlfriend. Not calling off everything with your Anya before she got her wedding dress on. Not telling the truth when it needed to be told."
Xander's face had turned to stone during the tirade. Jesse turned to face him again. "You're not any real help to them, you screw things up, and you've been wasting your time for six years now. Friendly advice? Give it up already. You know you never actually make a difference. And they know it, too. They don't listen to you. They don't care what you think. You're just halfway handy to have around sometimes. But they don't listen. They never will. All you do is bring them down. So, if you really care about this 'fight' of theirs? Let the people who can actually fight do it. You're not gonna help."
Xander shook his head, "Y'know what? I really don't care what you think, or who you really are. Because guess what? You're dead, so it's moot."
Jesse shrugged. "Fine. Suit yourself. Don't listen to an old friend who's just trying to help. But bad things are coming, and you're just gonna get in the way. There's nothing you can say that'll help them. Just thought I'd warn you before your life falls apart. More than it already has." He walked to the door. "Nice seeing ya."
"Jesse, wish it was different, but can't say likewise."
"Later." Jesse - or whatever it was - blipped out of existence.
Xander thought his head was spinning from all the thoughts zooming through his brain. He helps, he knows how to help, he'd helped all this time... saved the world, even... This ghost guy didn't have a clue what he was talking about.
Except that he did.
"This all could've been a dream," he said to himself. "A big, way-too-real-feeling dream."
But he was pretty sure it wasn't.
Xander looked down at the contracts and numbers still mocking him from the papers on the table. No way any more work could get done tonight. His head was full enough with the words of his dead friend.
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