Chapter One: Morning
...Tara...
Willow awoke with a start with the images still whirling through her brain. She tried to catch her breath. They're just memories being replayed. Not real. All in her mind. It was a dream. Only a dream. About way too much reality, but still a dream.
She flipped the light switch and grabbed the pen and notepad from her bedside table. Part of her "rehabilitation" was to keep a dream journal, but so far she'd been writing a lot of similar entries over and over and over and over. But it was supposed to help somehow, so she began to write anyway.
"The nightmares haven't stopped being really awful, but it's still the same kind of awful. I see Tara, alive and then just... not. I see her every night, just like I do when I'm awake. She's a part of my every waking and sleeping moment."
"I feel like the power is surging through me and the huge me-being-right-and-everybody-else-being-wrong feeling. I see myself hurting them all over again, and I see what I did in the forest. It's like my brain is showing me the re-run every single night because it thinks I'll forget. I don't know which is worse: the nighttime, when I relive it all in my head, or the daytime, when I remember that it's not actually a dream."
Hearing a soft knock on the door, she stopped her writing. "Hello?"
It was Giles's voice she heard through the door. "It's me, Willow."
"Giles! Come in!"
Giles stepped in with a plate in his hand. "Good morning. I hope that I'm not interrupting anything."
"Oh, no. Well, not too much. Just writing in my dream journal." Willow closed the book and set it back down. "You're here a lot earlier than usual. Is everything okay? "
"Yes, yes, everything is fine. I simply brought you some breakfast."
"Breakfast in bed? For me? What's the big breakfasty occasion?"
"Today is a holiday for you, is it not? We obviously aren't going to celebrate America's independence from ourselves, but I though you might like to celebrate your escape from the yoke of our overwhelming tyranny." He chuckled as he handed Willow the plate. "It's not much, but I was able to find apple pie for you. Happy Fourth of July."
Willow blinked. "Fourth of July? Already? But the Summer Solstice was just... Oh, I guess it was a couple of weeks ago already, huh?"
"It was indeed."
"Wow. Time flies when you're trying to become non-evil." Willow really hoped that sounded lighthearted, but she was pretty sure that she didn't pull it off very well.
Giles shook his head as he sat on the edge of her bed. "Willow, truly, in the weeks since you've arrived, you have made remarkable progress. I won't lie to you, you have a long way to go, but you should be very proud of how far you've come."
Willow shook her head. "But I haven't!"
"Nonsense. You've done so much..."
"No, really and truly, I haven't! I can feel it, Giles. The power is there. It's inside me, and it likes it there. A big part of me likes it there, too. I'm not free of it. I don't know if I ever will be." Willow looked up at him. "Giles, I'm still dangerous. There should be a lock on my door and bars on all the windows. I... I wouldn't trust me if I were you."
"Nevertheless, I do. The power will always be inside you. That is simply a fact now. And while I admit that I cannot completely understand what you are feeling, I do believe in you. The members of the coven speak highly of the work that you have completed thus far. The work is only going to become more difficult, but you need to believe in yourself in order to succeed."
Willow lowered her eyes. "I don't see too much worth believing in."
"And that's where you are wrong. I see a great deal within you in which to believe. The power will not control you if you do not allow it to do so. You can function independently of the dark magicks. But one creates one's own reality; you must know it to be true in order to make it happen."
"Will you settle for hope?"
Giles smiled. "For now, yes. In fact, just knowing that you have hope is a very good sign. Congratulations." He stood. "I'll let you finish your breakfast. Will I see you this afternoon?"
Willow grinned at him with as happy-seeming of a smile as she could muster. "Wouldn't miss it!"
"See you then." With that, he left the room.
Willow stared at the door. Hope. She wasn't honestly feeling much in the way of hope, but she could pretend that she did, and maybe that might make things a little better.
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Chapter Two: Noon
"This was a fabulous idea, Anyanka. I think this is exactly the kind of lunch break two gals in the justice workforce need sometimes."
"Yes, I thought this was very appropriate."
Halfrek and Anya - Anyanka - had found a pair of chaise lounges on a quiet white sand beach, complete with a thatch-covered bar and a cabana boy who served fruity overpriced drinks with umbrellas in them. It was a lovely spot, really.
So why, Anya wondered, wasn't this as enjoyable as it should be? She sighed and watched the waves crash. She was still working up to full vengeance fury. The wishes that she'd fulfilled so far weren't to her former standards yet, but she was building up to that. Yes, that's it. She met up with Hallie sometimes for lunches and happy hours, but her life primarily revolved around her work. Her life should be complete and fully satisfying now.
She hated admitting to herself that it wasn't.
"You're thinking about that human again, aren't you."
Anya turned to her friend and frowned. "No, I'm not." Hallie answered with a doubting look. "I am not! Really! I was just thinking about work."
"Honey, if you were putting that much thought into your work, they'd be talking about you across the dimensions. I don't think so. You still have him on your mind, don't you? Really, Anyanka, I don't understand your fixation with the young man. You can do whatever you want now. Your life is yours again. You have the best job anyone could could ask for. What more could you want?"
"I know, and you're right. It sometimes feels very much like I never left my vengeance duties. I'm honored that D'Hoffryn took me back. This truly is who I am." Anya took anther sip of her Mai Tai before she continued. "But... perhaps it's just that I'm not yet at full productivity, but do you ever feel just a little bit unfulfilled? Or maybe just a little... uncertain?"
"Unfulfilled? Uncertain?" Halfrek laughed. "Are you joking? Not at all! And I never thought I'd hear you say a thing like that. You were the best at your own branch of vengeance, and I'm sure that you still are. Or you will be... with a little more brushing up. Not to mention that your niche market is full to the brim these days. I certainly hope that you're making a killing."
"I am. Or I'm about to begin to. Everything is exactly the way it should be now. There just seems to be something missing..."
"Oh, no. Dearest, are we back to that subject again? You don't need those ridiculous human ties and distractions! You're an independent demon in the new millennium! Truly, I can't imagine how you dealt with that mortal nonsense for as long as you did."
"It was nonsense, wasn't it?"
"Completely. I'm sure you had your fun, Anyanka, but you almost tied yourself to one measly mortal for the few years you would have had left. Thank goodness you wised up! Ridiculous, really. Now, you say that he saved the world from being destroyed by some sort of sorceress, so I'll give him a teensy-weensy bit of credit for that, but otherwise? I'm sorry, sweetie, but you lost three good years that you'll never get back. If we weren't immortal, I'd just have to take steps for what he took from you."
"No, that's really not necessary," Anya said quickly. "I wouldn't want to get you in trouble with D'Hoffryn, especially with all that's coming."
"Oh, don't worry, I'm kidding. He's not worth the bother, anyway. So turn that frown upside-down! Soon, your whole icky 'human phase' will be barely more than a very faded memory."
"You're right, Hallie. I've been silly with all of this." Anya - no, she was Anyanka now, none of this "Anya" nonsense anymore - nodded. "No more of these human thoughts. From now on, my focus will be on much more important things."
"You're past all of that now, dear. No need to lose another moment to it." Halfrek raised her Mai Tai-filled glass. "I think that you deserve a toast. To your new life!"
Anyanka clinked glasses with her friend and grinned back at her. "To my new life!"
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Chapter Three: Afternoon
"That's it. We're gonna starve."
Buffy glanced at her sister. "You are so not going to starve. If it gets too late, I'll just cook the hot dogs on the stove. Or we'll order a pizza." She paused, reconsidering. "Wait, is pizza American enough for the Fourth of July?"
Dawn giggled. "Well, since just about every American lives on the stuff, I think we're cool."
Buffy shook her head. "We won't have to order pizza. Xand's all over this 'celebrating the holiday' thing, so we're grilling. Um, eventually. Probably."
Buffy and Dawn kept watching Xander from the safety of indoors. He'd been crouched in the backyard for a while now, surrounded by gizmos and gadgets that supposedly should fit together to make a shiny new gas grill. So far, it was looking like a very un-grill-like pile of metal and plastic.
Dawn wasn't convinced that these pieces could even make a grill. "You really think he's going to figure this out? It's looking basically hopeless right now."
"Sure I'm sure. Besides, Xander can build all sorts of big, important-like things. Putting a grill together should be no sweat." Buffy shook her head at the growing mess. "Or at least that's the theory."
Dawn peered outside, suddenly realizing what was missing in this picture. "Wait, is he even reading the directions?"
"He's not? Oh, he is in SO much trouble." Dawn followed her sister outside. Oh, this was gonna be good. She waited by the doorway to get the full view while Buffy walked up to Xander.
"How's the grill going?"
Xander looked up at Buffy and shrugged. "The going is the slow kind, but it's starting to come together." He looked at the collection of metal around him. "Sort of."
"Uh-huh."
"No, seriously! This isn't as easy as it looks."
"As it looks on, oh, I don't know, the directions?"
"Directions?" Xander waved his arm dismissively at the box that used to hold the grill parts. "Nah. They just make things way more complicated."
Buffy was trying to look disapproving and failing. Badly. "Looks like you're doing a pretty good job of complicating it yourself."
Xander grinned at her. "Oh really? What, you think you can do better?"
"Nope. But I've got a better idea." Buffy grabbed the box and fished out the directions. "I read, you do."
"Hey!" Xander protested. "I'm still doing all the work here!"
"Your point?"
Xander looked a little sheepish. "Uh, never mind. Direct away."
"Okay, 'Step one, place 'Tank Holder' on a flat surface.'"
Xander blinked. "Don't suppose they mention which piece that is?"
Dawn rolled her eyes at the both of them. This was gonna take a while. "Guys? I'll be upstairs if you need me."
Xander grinned at her. "What? And miss all this fun?"
"I'm so very heartbroken." She waved at them and wandered back inside.
Totally a pizza night, she thought.
She grabbed a soda from the fridge as her sister read the next set of instructions. "Place 'Right Upright' on top and inside of 'Tank Holder,' aligning holes in 'Tank Holder' with holes on stub ends of 'Right Upright.'" Oh yeah. Definitely pizza tonight.
Wandering through the halls and up the stairs, she purposefully didn't look at any pictures. She'd been thinking about taking some of them down. So many people in her life before, but now there were only three. Herself, her sister, and Xander.
Buffy was closer to really being the sister she knew than she had been since she'd been brought back. It was like the real Buffy was finally back, and the Buffy from the last year was some sort of Imitation Buffy. They did sisterly stuff all the time these days. Plus, there was the extra bonus of not being shut out of the monster-talk anymore. They argued a lot more, too. Dawn wouldn't admit this out loud, but she wouldn't trade the arguing for anything.
Xander was around way more than he had been for ages. He'd just gotten a promotion and was all important now at his work, but that didn't stop him from daily visits. Sometimes he'd stop by before he went to work and sometimes after, but always at least one or the other, bringing take-out or dragging them out to eat.
Sometimes he'd stay with her when Buffy went out on patrol, and sometimes he'd head out there with her. There were even times that all three of them would do the graveyard run. But he didn't talk about himself much. And he didn't talk to her about Anya. When she brought her up, he'd get this strange look on his face and change the subject. So Dawn didn't bring her up anymore.
He and Buffy talked a lot, though. A lot of it was about bills, or about patrolling. But there were times, when they thought she wasn't listening, that they talked about the stuff that happened. Mostly about and Tara and about Willow. She never heard them talk about Anya except the couple of times they saw her at the Bronze, and never about Spike, who'd disappeared without a trace. After what he'd tried to do, Dawn was fine with that.
But it was the fact that they were actually talking at all that she was mainly glad for. Somewhere along the line, they'd stopped doing that. Life was starting to get closer to okay. It was like they were a little family. It was nice. But it was so much tinier than it used to be.
She was about to call Janice to complain about her TOTALLY lame Fourth of July when heard something from outside. Was that yelling? No, wait... it sounded like laughing. Dawn wandered back to the back bedroom - it was still her mom's to her, no matter how long it'd been - to see what was up.
She stopped, like she always did, right before the spot where she found Tara. The carpeting had been replaced over a month ago, but she sometimes thought that she could still see a hint of what happened. Carefully, Dawn stepped around the spot and looked out the window to see what the big joke was.
Looking down into the backyard, Dawn saw Xander running around the backyard with the grill lid on his head and some sort of metal somethings in his hands. He was chasing Buffy around the yard, and they were both laughing. Actual laughter. She hadn't heard that out of either of them for a really long time and... it just sounded right. This was so much better than whatever they'd been for the last year. They were really friends again. It's part of The Way Things Are Supposed To Be.
Dawn looked back at the supposedly clean carpet. Why did so much bad stuff have to happen for this one good thing to come back?
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Chapter Four: Evening
Spike stumbled down another alley in an endless series of alleys. He didn't know what city. He didn't know what country. He didn't know where or how or when. And he didn't care. All he knew was that there was a voice calling to him. A voice he had to follow.
"Come to me."
"I'm comin', luv," he muttered, half to himself. "Show you what I did, what I got, let you punish the bad man. But I got it, and all for you, luv, all for you..."
"Come to me."
His soul was burning a hole into his insides. The soul, the spark... As long as he kept this focus, followed this voice, the pain wasn't so bad, the feelings not so horribly overwhelming. Follow the voice. Follow her voice.
Wait.
He looked up and blinked. He felt the wind on his face, and his mind started to click into gear. She wasn't here. She couldn't be. So where was he heading?
To Buffy. Where else but to Buffy? But he couldn't. He couldn't show his face to her. Not after what he'd done.
Closer to clear-headed than he'd been in weeks, he looked around. Where the hell... was this New York? Could be. Looked familiar enough. The past weeks were a haze to him. He remembered bits, but most of it was a foggy blur.
He heard an explosion and dived for cover. What the blazes...? He looked up to see a flash of blue sparks.
Fireworks. It's their bleedin' Independence Day, he thought. What a day to pick to be sane. He turned down a different alley and trudged forward, the entire area lit in flashes of red and green and blue.
He turned another corner and almost ran into a teenage boy. His dark hair was lit by the flashes over head. "Where do you think you're going, Spike?"
"Who...? I'm going where I please, mate. Not seein' how it's any of your business." He stepped forward, but instead of knocking the boy aside, he walked right through him. He spun around in surprise.
"We have a deal, Spike," said the boy.
"Deal? With a child such as yourself? Not bloody likely." Spike shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs that still seemed to be swinging through his noggin. He peered at the apparition. There was something... "I know you."
"Yes, you do," said Ford. "You and I have a deal. You need to go that way." He jabbed his thumb behind him.
"That way, eh?"
"Yes. It's the plan. And you need to follow it."
"Uh, no, I don't." Spike turned unsteadily and started back down the alley.
"You don't want to do that," Ford called after him.
Spike wheeled around. "And why might that be, mate?"
"Because," said his mother, standing before him, "you're a good boy. You've always been a good boy. You're my good little man. You do what you're told."
"Mother..." Spike stared at his mother as the fireworks continued to explode above him. He fell to his knees. "You can't be here..."
"Shhhh, just do what you're told, and everything will be fine. The pain will ease, I promise. Just follow me. Follow me, and go to her." The vision of his mother faded as she spoke, but her voice remained clear as it retreated into the distance.
Spike wobbled to his feet, clarity forgotten. "Where? How do I follow, Mother?"
"Come to me," Buffy's voice floated toward him, still maddeningly just out of reach.
"I'm comin', luv. Even if I don't deserve..." Lost again, Spike staggered toward the west.
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