Faith smirked hollowly to herself. Who the hell did these two think they were? Romeo and frickin’ Juliet? So tragic, so star crossed, so pathetic. She looked away from them, she couldn’t bear the feeling she always got when she was around them, like they were in this cosy little world where everything was warm and perfect and she was out in the freezing cold. Neither of them even knew she existed. They never had…and why would they? They were the heroes and she was…what? Not even a villain, just the bad one, the slayer that failed, that disappointed everyone. She suppressed a rueful laugh, no, that was crediting herself with far too much importance, she hadn’t disappointed everyone, they were all concentrating on Buffy, they’d hardly even noticed when she joined up with the Mayor. She looked back at the cosy little world of Buffy and Angel and wanted to be sick. Come on. Who were they kidding? He is evil and she is…well, boring to be honest. Little miss perfect – so predictable. Why would he want to be with someone like that? Because why wouldn’t he? You get the choice to be with the star or the understudy, who would you choose? Not that she wanted him anyway. Big toothless rottweiler.
“Faith! When did you get here?” Said Buffy catching sight of her fellow slayer and pulling reluctantly away from her soul mate.
“’Bout 3 seconds ago,” Faith lied nonchalantly. “Long enough to see you two gettin’ smoochy. That such a good idea…Angelus?”
Faith watched with a feeling almost like pleasure as the variety of emotions flickered across Buffy’s face, pain, fear, anger…she could never hide anything that girl, she was like an open book.
Angel noticed too and could have slapped Faith.
“Nothing like that is going to happen,” he said quietly to Buffy.
“I know,” she replied with a weak smile. Every time she saw him the joy of being able to touch him overtook any practical thoughts. All she wanted to do was bury herself in his arms, lose herself in his kiss…but sooner or later reality would come crashing back. Faith would have to be the one to spoil it, she thought to herself bitterly. No, that wasn’t fair. Faith was only telling it how it was.
“So, what’s up, B? How come you’re in town? In fact, how come you’re in this dimension? Last I saw of you, you were being lowered into the ground.”
“And I bet you would have loved that,” Buffy snapped bitchily before she could stop herself.
Faith smiled, Buffy was so easy to get fired up. All those buttons, just begging to be pushed. “Now now, B, play nice. Being dead doesn’t seem to have suited you - seems to have changed you. left you a bit grouchy.” Faith registered the shock on Buffy’s face and realised she’d touched a raw nerve and perhaps gone a bit too far.
“Lighten up, B, I’m only kidding. It’s great to have you back. My slaying sister.”
Buffy swallowed hard and forced a smile. Faith didn’t mean it. She didn’t know what she was talking about. She was just being Faith. Not knowing how to deal with things. She felt Angel’s eyes on her and knew that he had noticed her particularly sensitive reaction to Faith’s assertation that death had changed her. How could she let them know that she thought Faith was right. Something was wrong with her. Angel touched her face but she couldn’t bear to look at him so instead she addressed Faith.
“What are you doing in LA?”
“Well, you know, got out of prison and hey, guess what, it’s the end of the world…again. You were kind of out of action, what with being dead and all, so I get drafted in to play the good slayer and save the world.”
“She did good,” Angel said quietly.
Buffy felt his soft words like a kick in the stomach. What was wrong with her? She hated that Faith had been there instead of her. She hated that she’d done well…better than Buffy would have? But at the same time, thank God she had been there…who knew what world she would have come back to if she hadn’t been. But then…maybe she wouldn’t have been brought back at all. Maybe she would have been left in peace. She couldn’t go on with these whirling thoughts, they were too much for her to cope with. She pushed down the sick feeling in her stomach and smiled at Faith. “Nice work.”
“That hurt,” replied Faith.
God, the girl never let her get away with anything. Buffy decided to ignore it.
“So what are you doing here?” asked Faith, “not that you’re not welcome or anything.”
“I…uh…” Buffy looked at Angel. She was here to see him. She was here to try to find something to make her feel safe, make her feel like it was OK to be back, like there was something worth living for. This pain was unbelievable and constant and Angel was more than qualified to understand that.
“I called her,” Angel interrupted, feeling Buffy’s fear and isolation ripping at his unbeating heart, “she’s needed here.”
“Oh yeah?” Asked Faith. “Can’t be more demons from hell with apocalyptic dreams…oh no, hold on, there can be because that’s what they do. Don’t seem to learn do they? So what is it this time?”
Buffy looked at Angel stricken. She couldn’t handle saving the world right now. She was just trying to live in it.
“Nothing’s up. I called her because I need her,” Angel said softly, his whole being concentrated on the deceptively fragile blonde slayer in front of him.
Faith sucked in air through pursed lips. “Well, hey, what’s Cordy going to think about that?”
Buffy’s eyes filled with shock and for the second time Angel felt that he could slap Faith.
“She’ll be fine,” he replied trying to keep his voice level, trying not to let Buffy know what was going on inside him. He would have to tell her of course about his relationship with Cordelia…but not now. Not like this. He would have to find a way to make her understand…
“Right. Yeah. Course. Your boyfriend calls his Ex because he ‘needs her’ and you’d just be fine about it. Yeah,” Faith smirked, “I know I would.”
Faith locked her eyes on Buffy. She didn’t know why she did this to her. Probably because it was just so easy. She hated herself for throwing these words that had to cut like knives to her fellow slayer but she couldn’t help herself. Besides, if she didn’t, what would she do? Hug her? Become yet another member of the church of Buffy? No, it wasn’t her. She didn’t fit in. Although why she couldn’t leave Buffy alone and get on with her own life, she didn’t know. Why this compulsion to cause as much pain as possible?
Buffy ignored Faith and stared deep into Angel’s eyes. Her stomach knotted itself and she felt sick. She was in turmoil which, although she tried to hide it, she knew Angel read as clearly as if she’d spelt it out in skywriting. “Boyfriend?” she whispered.
“No,” Angel replied trying to pull her to him. She resisted.
“No?” Faith said with a raised eyebrow.
Buffy felt like she was going to collapse. The last shred that connected her to this world was gone. Angel and Cordelia? Her brain refused to take in the information. She stared at him, feeling like she didn’t know him.
“Come on, B, what did you expect? The big guy’s got needs.”
“Shut Up, Faith,” Angel snapped struggling to keep his face human. Buffy didn’t need to see the monster in him right now.
“Touchy. Didn’t know it was a secret.”
Buffy felt the tears welling in her eyes.
“I…” she looked wildly from Angel to Faith, nowhere was safe. There was nothing she could say. “I…I have to go,” she said backing away from them.
“So soon?” said Faith, “but you just got here.”
“I… I have to…um…”
“Buffy,” said Angel reaching out to her.
“Don’t,” she said.
The pain in her eyes was like torture to the vampire. God, what had he done? What could he say?
Buffy opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. There were no words. She turned and ran down the darkened alleyway.
“No goodbye?” Faith called to her rapidly retreating form. “Death really did leave her grumpy,” she said turning to Angel but instead of seeing the handsome face of the champion, she found herself gazing at the visage of the demon.
The fury and fire engulfed him and before Angel knew what he was doing his arm shot out and with an inhuman growl he hit Faith with all his strength and sent her crashing into the wall.
She lept to her feet, active, ready, in slayer mode. She felt wetness trickling from her nose and the bitter taste of her own blood sliding down the back of her throat.
“What, you only have to kiss her now and Angelus is back?” she said wiping the blood from her nose.
“You bitch,” Angel growled.
“Yeah, because you’ve been such the prince. Sleeping with the one person she couldn’t stand. Not just sleeping with her, were you though, Angel? I think I heard love mentioned. That’s a foul and Buffy has every right to know about it.”
“I could have made her understand. She’s been with other…”
“Yeah, no one serious though. No other ‘loves’. You betrayed her, Angel. Your choice. Now you hurt the one person in the world you should protect. She has no one else.”
“Right, Faith, and now you’re her best friend?”
“Not at all. I love winding her up, I get a kick out of being, like, her nemesis or whatever but at least I’m straight about it. You? Call yourself a hero?”
Angel felt his features melt back into his human form. The fury he’d felt was ebbing away. In it’s place came thick, sickly desolation. He slid down the wall and collapsed on the ground.
Faith watched his pain and felt wretched. She’d gone too far this time. She hadn’t been able to stop herself. She was on a roll and enjoying adding fuel to the fire. But now she looked at the vampire sitting on the damp, Los Angeles sidewalk and she felt terrible. She felt worse than that. She felt fear. She had never seen him looking so broken. She hadn’t meant to do that. Angel had only been good to her. He’d been the one to care about her, to respect her, to understand her and now…what had she done to him?
“Hey, come on, Big Guy. She’ll be back. You guys love this stuff, it’s what you’ve always been about.”
He shook his head slowly. “No, this is too much. I saw it in her eyes. I don’t know what she’s been through but I… She would only come to me if there was nothing, nowhere else she could go and I…I just destroyed her.”
“No you didn’t, Angel. I did,” Faith said softly sitting next to him on the cold street.
Angel didn’t look at her. “It was the truth. She knew that. It doesn’t matter who told her.”
They sat together in silence.
“Do you love Cordelia?” Faith asked softly.
Angel shook his head, “I don’t know. I thought I did. I care about her a lot. Love? Yeah, yeah I do…but not… God, Buffy is like…” his sentence trailed off and Faith knew he wasn’t going to finish it. Part of her was glad. She didn’t want to hear him tell her about what a perfect princess Buffy was, she knew it already.
“Love isn’t enough for what I feel for Buffy. I couldn’t put it into words. She is my soul, my light, the reason for me going on, not giving in. She’s my world. I am nothing without her.”
“Of course you are. You’re the ‘help the helpless guy’, the man with the speed dial to the Powers That Be, the Champion, the…”
Angel interrupted her, “No. Without her there is nothing. Without her, I don’t care. Without her…I am the helpless.”
“Come on,” said Faith still dabbing at her tender nose, “little bit melodramatic, don’t you think?”
“You…” Angel laughed cruelly, “it would be to you. You’ve never felt anything but hate. Buffy tried to love you but you didn’t want it. What would you know about what I feel?”
Faith swallowed hard and bit her cheek. “You’re right. What would I know?” She got up and began walking away into the night. She knew he wouldn’t call her back. He couldn’t see at the moment. He’d lost his love, as he said, his life…and she had been the cause of it. All this time. She had never been able to do anything that could touch the two of them in their cosy little world for two. Nothing she did with the Mayor, not trying to seduce him, not trying to kill them came anywhere near affecting them but this had. “Well,” she thought, “I guess you got what you wanted, Faithy. Are you happy now?” The trouble was. She wasn’t.
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