Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with BTVS, Joss Whedon and Co. own all rights to the TV series and characters, I only own this story.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She watched him carefully from the corner of her eyes she knew what was coming; the signs had been evident for weeks now. She watched him take a long steadying breath as he gazed at her adoringly. She steeled herself with a quick breath too as he knelt before her like a knight kneeling before his Queen, but he was not a Knight and she was no Queen. He was grinning nervously as he smiled and took her hand in his- she hated this.
He was a great guy strong, witty, kind, gentle and completely gorgeous but he was not the man in her heart. It didn't matter that the man who took up that position was long dead, she could not will her emotions away. How do you tell a person that you like them, hell you even want them but that they have a better chance of finding the fountain of youth than they do of finding their way into your heart.
She hated herself for it, she had pleaded, begged, and even tried to bribe her own heart but it would not relent, it would not let go. It still clung tenaciously to the man she had watched die ten years before, who had in fact died for her. He was still the one who walked through her dreams at night and her fantasies in the light of day. He was still alive in her. She had never kissed him, they had never made love, but in his dying breath he had turned her whole world upside down. With his final breath her blinders had come off and her denial had faded away but it had too late. It was always just a little too late. Now she was simply waiting for the moment when release would find her whether it be in the form of sleep or death it didn't much matter which came first. They were both inevitable.
She turned her attention back to man in front of her now. Everything moved in slow motion as he produced a ring from his pocket, and his words of love flooded her ears. But it didn't matter- he knew the answer before the question had even left his lips. He'd always been able to read her mind by the expression on her face...he'd had to ask though, he'd needed to know.
She admired his courage even now, how many times in the past had he saved her life? She had ceased to count them years ago, she knew in her heart that she owed this man far more than she had ever given in return but she could not give him the one thing he wanted more than anything else- her heart. He had her body, but there was a part of her mind he had never been able to reach and her heart had always been off limits.
She owed him her life, her heart...everything but she had nothing left to give. She had given them all up voluntarily ten years ago to another man in the heat of a battle and a wash of blood on concrete.
How do you tell a man who has given you everything, your 'lover' that he's good enough to offer comfort, but that you can't, don't and won't ever be able to love him? That you can't marry him because you're still in love with another man? A dead man at that. A man you didn't even know you loved until he lay bleeding to death against your thighs as his lifeblood coated your hands and your jeans a deep scarlet. That you couldn't stop screaming until your voice gave out when he died in your arms, and that even now you frequently woke up with that same scream ripping out of your chest and with his name on your lips. She closed her eyes, she didn't need to tell him that because he knew. He knew it all.
She could feel his eyes on her measuring, pleading with her to say 'yes' to choose to be his wife. They were the final two left behind, the last left alive. They both had little else to lose, there was nothing left except a graveyard of memories in their hearts-full of the dead, haunted by ghosts. It would be so simple, so easy to just give in...to accept the small amount of happiness they could possibly eke out of what was left of this horrendous life they had somehow been condemned to. But she had never been simple and the easy path was never hers to take. She couldn't marry him, could never love him the way he needed her to...she wasn't Willow.
She couldn't give up this divine suffering. This ache came for some higher purpose-It was her penance, her atonement for a crime she had committed long ago. Her pride, her lust and self-centered blindness had cost her everything she had held dear, taken everything she'd never even known she'd wanted...she had lost it all in one moment, now she had to live with that.
She looked him directly in the eyes and with a sad smile took his hand in hers. She delivered a tender kiss to his palm and closed his hand around the proffered ring.
She was still in love with an Angel, a ghost that still haunted her dreams and the deepest reaches of her heart that this man before her could never hope to touch- and he knew it. He always had, it had just been easier to pretend- to hope that one day he would have a chance to win her love. They had lost everything and now without meaning to he had lost her too. He had spoken the one thing that would part them forever, and she was saying the last rites over their tangled and desperate coupling as he sat transfixed by her haunted eyes.
"I'm sorry, Oz, I can't marry you. I love somebody else and..." She sobbed.
"Xander's dead...So is Willow." Oz responded without accusation. He watched the knife twist a little deeper within her as tears of another kind swarmed down her cheeks.
"...I can't make it stop and I can't let go. I'm sorry, but I think it's time I leave." It wasn't a question, she wasn't giving him an opening to beg her to stay, it was just over. Simply, quietly, cleanly over. She had cleaved his heart in two with a few simple words, but it was enough. He had wanted to know where he stood with her, and now he did. He had never believed that anything could hurt him as much as watching Willow die before him, but now he knew he had been wrong. As he watched his new love murder his heart, his hope and any chance he had at a semi-happy, peaceful existence...he knew he had been very wrong indeed.
With one last kiss and a broken smile she was gone into the night with nothing but her tortured heart, and uneasy regrets to keep her company. Oz watched her until she was out of sight, then he closed the door behind her and went back inside. She wasn't the only one who had regrets to tend to tonight.
The End.
|
|
|
|
Rave
Barbie Girl (Becca)
biscuit07
Filmtheory (Jim)
Malice (Jess)
MebbtheScribe (MichaelB)
Reset (Allie)
Shay (Marrisa)
somnambulist29 (Shea)
Stephanie Loss
Wendyness (Wendy)
Questions?Contact Us
|
|
All stories on this site have been archived with the authors' consent. Do not copy these stories for your own uses without the express consent of the author themselves. Buffy the Vampire Slayer TM and Angel TM are © UPN, WB, Fox and its related entities. All photos on the site are © UPN, Fox, Warner Bros, and/or their respective owners. No profits are being made by use of these images.
Powered with the assitance of eFiction.
|
|
|
