A big sigh of relief. A metaphorical one, really, because all I did was smile. As I was standing, and looking over the gaping hole that had been my home for the past seven years, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
The next week was true to Faith’s suggestion. I slept, making up for the many hours of wakefulness that I’d had to endure while being the slayer. Giles took care of me, making sure I was comfortable, and eating. I was glad he understood that when I said he had nothing more to teach me, I meant in the capacity of being the slayer. Because, in life, oh my God, I have so much more to learn. So, that week is kind of a blur. I don’t remember the bus ride to the nearest airport, or our time on the plane, or the arrival at my new home, but I do remember a sort of blissful calm, a feeling of complete relaxation.
And then I awoke: suddenly, frighteningly. Everything hit me. I was no longer the chosen one. What was I supposed to do? This had been my life, my prerogative, for all of the time I was coming of age. It was hard, sure, but it was me. I complained all through it, but knew nothing could change it. It was constant, and at times, that continuity was sort of comforting.
I thought about all the things I never would have had if I weren’t the slayer, and everyone it brought me.
Giles, Willow, Xander, Dawn. They would never have entered my life. I would never have met any of them. I cried when I realized that, because I can’t survive without them.
Angel. He would have been sent to watch a different girl and, who knows what would have happened? He never would have met me, and I would have never experienced that bone crushing, suffocating love that I always feel when I’m around him. God, he’s given me so much. He came into my life because I was the slayer. And now, I was just supposed to give that up?
And, we can’t forget, I probably wouldn’t have my kick ass kung fu moves that I do now.
But, most importantly, I wouldn’t be me without being the slayer. It’s taught and shown me so much. I wouldn’t have experienced loss, but I also wouldn’t have experienced the joy of simply being alive. You know? So, was I ready to give everything I stood for for the past seven years over to a bunch of sixteen year olds?
I wasn’t, at the time of my awakening. Like a mother isn’t prepared to send their child out on their own, I wasn’t ready to hand off my great and powerful responsibility. Thank God I got over that.
Little by little, I let the responsibility go. When I would be preparing to go out patrolling, Willow would come up behind me and slip off my coat. She’d hand me a hot chocolate and a DVD. I would thank her with my eyes, and sit with her, laughing, being a completely normal twenty three year old. I started gaining back the weight that I’d lost, and I have those beautiful feminine curves now. I look softer, happier. I smile again, like I haven’t in years. The younger slayers train some, but they’re normal too, in their own way. They love each other, and are happy, and feel connected in their gift. They call it a gift. Imagine that.
What I didn’t realize, when I was the slayer, even though people told it to me over and over again, was that I was alone. So completely alone. No matter how many people who loved me surrounded me, I fought by myself. I didn’t understand that I wasn’t part of life, not really. But now that I am, now that I sleep at night, and go out during the day, now that I comprehend Willow’s and Xander’s everyday pains, and am completely connected to humanity, I understand. I know what it means to be able to lie on your bed, and think completely self-involved thoughts, and not have to worry about the fate of the world. I know what that means now. I realize that my years as the chosen one were lacking in those aspects, in the way that the new slayers’ lives will never be, and so I’m grateful that I’m no longer the one and only. But would I have traded in my time as the slayer for a normal life? Not for the world. Because those years made me who I am today, and, amazingly, I like that person. Finally.
Next Chapter: Angel’s thoughts.
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