TRUTH AND LOVE
Buffy stood looking around at everyone. Spike was hunched over, panting, even though he didn't need to breathe.
"Buffy?" Willow asked, getting her attention.
"Yeah?" Buffy asked, looking at the redhead.
"You okay?" Willow asked, approaching her.
"I don't know." Buffy said. She noticed that Spike was wearing his duster. A small smile appeared as realization slapped her in the face. "What about you guys?"
"Well you sent a demon to us, which threw Spike through the ceiling." Dawn said.
Buffy frowned and looked at Spike. "Oh," she said, softly. "You okay?"
"Fine. I went after it and killed it." Spike said, standing up straight.
Buffy looked in his eyes and prayed he'd see the message in her eyes.
Spike nodded at her and went to the back porch.
Buffy watched him go and turned some of her attention back to people in front of her.
She explained what happened and told everyone to get some rest. She went upstairs and changed her clothes. She went back downstairs and went to the back porch.
Spike was there smoking a cigarette with his back to her.
"Spike, I..." she stopped, for there was nothing she could say.
"You don't have to say anything, Slayer." Spike said, coldly.
Buffy frowned and sat next to him. "You're making this really difficult."
Spike growled and stood. "Buffy, I'm not making a soddin' thing difficult."
"Yes you are. I know you can see right through me. We know each other will enough to read each other like a book." Buffy said, still sitting on the step.
"Buffy, you wanted the Spike who wanted to kill you when we first met. He's gone and never coming back." Spike said softly.
"I know that. But you're so different." Buffy said, tears almost began to form.
Spike hung his head. "Buffy, I've tried to be everything for you. But it seems everything I do, it’s just not good enough. You're making everyone, not just me, feel like we can't meet your standards. Especially those girls. They're Dawn's age."
Tears did well this time. "Dawn can seriously kick ass." Buffy said.
"Yes, but Dawn had the luxury of being with you for 16 years. Those girls haven't even been here only 2 months. They're still girls who are scared and if they have to fight, they will." Spike said.
"Okay, can we back track?" Buffy stood up and went to him. "Do I really make you feel like everything you do isn't good enough?" She asked, softly.
"Yeah," Spike answered.
Neither had the slightest clue Dawn was watching from the door with Giles and Willow.
Tears slid down Buffy's face. She bowed her head.
Spike frowned, but he had no idea what he should do. He hated it when she cried.
Buffy looked up. "I really do that?"
Spike backed up a little. "Yeah. I'll run down a list. Those girls are doing the best they can to stay alive. They're not slayers like you. They are not supposed to be able to take you or me in a fight. Dawn, had her home invaded by immature teenagers. She feels lift out. I can see it every time those girls go patrolling with us instead of her.
"Principle Wood has go googley eyes for you, but even as a demon fighter can't match you. Your scoobies are feeling pushed to the limit and you and Giles haven't done a whole lot of slayer/watcher communicating.
"Now, me. I went to the ends of the earth to get my soul for you. With and without a soul you still treat me the same. I've tried being good. I've tried being evil. I'm running out of options. I fight with you, for you, I try to keep your mates safe and it's like, I'm nearly gettin' myself killed over and over again for no reason." Spike had begun pacing.
"Buffy, I turned my world upside down for you. You said you couldn't love me because I didn't have a soul. I went and fixed that problem. Now that I see what's been in front of my face, I can't believe I didn't see it before." Spike walked up to her and look into her eyes. "The problem was, and still is, that you don't care whether or not I have a soul. The problem is that you want me to be like Angel, so you've done everything in your power to try and twist me into Angel." Stating the truth was tearing Spike up inside but he continued. "I am never going to be Angel. This is me and I can't be what you want." Spike said and left Buffy in the middle of the yard, with tears flooding down her cheeks.
Spike ran into Dawn, Giles, and Willow in the kitchen. "Great. You guys gunna give me a lecture about what I said?"
Dawn shook her head. "I think you just told her what the rest of us couldn't." she said, giving Spike a hug.
"One night, I'm gunna take y9ou out on patrol and see what you've got." Spike said, wrapping his around her.
"Cool." Dawn said. "I'm holding you to that."
They pulled away and Spike smiled at the young girl.
"Now, where's Harris? We need to do something about the hole in the roof." Spike said.
"He's gunna fix it tomorrow first thing," Dawn said.
"Just be careful. I think that hole's in your room, Dawn." Spike said.
"Okay, well, I'm rounding up the potentials and they're gunna get some sleep." Willow said, heading toward the living room. "Oh and by the way, nice speech, Spike." She said leaving the room with Giles close behind her.
"Isn't it your bedtime, too, Dawn?" Spike asked, with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah," she headed toward the stairs. "You know, I miss my nicknames." she said.
Spike smiled. "Goodnight, Nibblet."
"Goodnight, Spike," she said and went upstairs with a smile.
Spike noticed Buffy was still on the back porch. He felt really bad having to be the one to make her see what she was doing.
He watched her for a minute before heading to he basement.
After about a half hour later, Buffy went inside. She went upstairs and ran into Dawn.
"Dawn, not now." Buffy said, her voice still raw from crying.
"Buffy, I heard what happened. So did Giles and Willow." Dawn said, following Buffy into her room.
"Is he right?" Buffy asked.
"Yeah, I've been a bitch to him because I thought you'd want me to be. It's not my fault you can't admit you love him." Dawn said crossing her arms.
"Whadda you want me to do Dawn!? Run into his arms tell him I love him, that I forgive him, and I'm sorry?" Buffy asked, tears running down her face again.
"Yeah. He's made it more than clear that he's sorry and he loves you." Dawn said. "If he's right, about the whole Angel thing, then now you know why people keep leaving." Dawn said and she headed toward the door.
"But I can't," Buffy said, softly
Dawn turned around. "Why?"
"Because I love him and if I tell him he might leave. I'll hurt and the cycle will repeat itself." Buffy said, sitting on the bed.
Dawn sat next to her. "Are you happy without being able to hold him, kiss him, love him? Are you happy waking up alone? With out arms to hold you?"
Buffy shook her head
"Well, if you're not willing to take a risk in loving him. You're gunna lose him forever and you're gunna be alone." Dawn said, getting up.
"How am I supposed to tell him everything that’s inside of my heart?" Buffy asked, enjoying the talk.
"Just go to him." Dawn said, leaving Buffy to her thoughts.
Downstairs, Spike couldn't sleep. He was sitting on the counter, thinking about the night's events.
Buffy entered the kitchen and walked up to him. "You we're right." she said, softly.
"About what?" Spike asked.
"Everything." Buffy said. She wedged his legs apart so she could be closer to him, "And I'm sorry."
Spike swallowed nervously. "It's okay."
Buffy shook her head. "No, it's not. I was selfish, stupid, and incredibly blind."
Tears fell again as she buried her face in his chest. Spike wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. Buffy's arms went around his waist and she cried.
"I'm sorry," she whispered again. "I really need you. All the time. When I go to bed, I want your arms around me. I want to be able to hold you, kiss you and love you." She said, causing him to pull away a little.
"Buffy, I don't deserve any of that." Spike said softly.
"But I forgive you. I forgave you the second you left the room." Buffy said, as she rested her forehead against his. "Spike, come upstairs. I can't go to bed another night with our you with me." she pleaded.
"You sure?" Spike asked
Buffy nodded. "Yes, I'm sure."
Spike slid off the counter and scooped her up. He carried her upstairs and gently laid her down. He slid in with her and she curled up next to him. His arms were wrapped around the tightly and Buffy smiled.
"I missed you, Spike." she said softly.
"I haven't gone anywhere." Spike said.
"You haven't been in my life the way you should be," Buffy said, running her hand under his T-shirt.
"What way would that be?" Spike asked.
"I want and need you to hold me when I need you. I wanna go to sleep with you by my side I need to be able to touch you and kiss you without nervousness. I wanna be able to love you." she said softly.
"I can help with the majority of that," Spike said, kissing the top of her head.
"Just don't leave me." Buffy said.
"I won't. I promise." Spike said. "Get some sleep, Pet."
Buffy closed her eyes and soon both vampire and slayer were asleep.
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