A\N: Hugs to Jaime for playing Beta Girl!
A Sometimes Friend
Could be worse. Sitting next to Xander on the flight to London, not my first choice. But it could be worse. I throw myself down on the aisle seat though I should have the window. I figure the poor guy needs it more, why exactly I don't know, but losing someone you love should at least grab you a window seat. He doesn't say anything, just keeps looking out the window, watching the ground crew load up the last of the bags.
"Hey, Faith!" A voice calls out from behind me. It's Rona sitting a few rows back, an open window seat next the her. "Got an open seat over here."
It's a nice offer, not sure I would make the same if I had an open seat next to me. I would rather stretch out, being in prison makes you appreciate space. I can't say I would offer it up. It's a good offer, one I should probably take since Xander doesn't look like his gonna be much of a plane buddy. I should take it..."Thanks. But I better stick where I am. Don't want B to wig."
Rona nods thinking she understands. She doesn't. I know I shouldn't have brought Buffy into it, shouldn't have blamed my choices on her, I try not to, I try to take responsibility nowadays. Sometimes old habits die-hard. Rona thinks it's about Buffy. It isn't. Maybe it never was. But that doesn't matter now anyway. What matters is me and Xand, and the fact that he looks like he could use a friend. I'd doubt I'd get the title but I'd be willin' to bet at least once upon a time he thought of me as a friend, ya know, before I started screwing things up.
Never been big with the friends, never had what Buffy had, not that I'm jealous or anythin'. It's just, I've never had 'em. I've heard stories about what B was like before she got herself all chosen, popular and pretty, which come to think of it ain't that different from now. But I don't think she had any real friends then, not like now anyways. Sounds to me like Princess had a lot of pod people following her, and worshiping at her feet, but those aren't friends. You can't trust them as far as you can throw 'em, slayer strength not withstanding. Mom used to call those people 'Sometimes friends', sometimes they would be your friend and sometimes they would stab you in the back. And she should know. Got her heart broke bad once upon a time, I guess the drinking was the only cure.
I used to come home from school and she'd be on the couch and she asked how my day went. I always lied. The school stuff, the grades, the detentions, that stuff she always found out about, someone would always call and rat me out. But the friend thing, she never knew. To her I had lots of friends. And in a way, I know I had a few. Well, a few sometimes friends anyway.
See, there was this group of girls I knew. They weren't popular or nothin'. They weren't really troublemakers either. They were just sort of there. And sometimes I would hang out with them. A twelve-year-old needs some place to sit at lunch if ya know what I'm sayin'. But they weren't my friends. Every week it seemed like there was some new drama unfolding, chick stuff, so and so said something and all that crap and if you didn't watch your back you were out of the group. Well, at least until next week when they decided to prey on someone else. Forget demons, twelve-year-old girls, that's the real evil. They're like freakin' pack animals. The way they hunt, just rip a girl to shreds without even batting an eyelash, vicious creatures. Of course my day came, but I didn't cry. I refused to cry. I wasn't gonna fall apart in front of them. Mom never really understood why I didn't call them anymore but she was so drunk I doubt she put much thought into it.
From then on out it was boys. Guys are simpler, no mind games, just basic instincts. You just have to learn to listen between the lines. 'I wanna see you' means 'I wanna see you sometimes when I feel like it.' and 'you're special' means 'for this second your special but don't count on me being around next week'. Took me awhile to figure that out. Never was very bright. Hell, I just wanted to mean something to someone; to have a real friend, stupid chick shit. Took me awhile to figure out everyone is lying, but I got it now.
I don't think you could have ever called what I had with Buffy friendship, even before all the pummeling. I don't trust no one and she sure as hell didn't trust me, hate to admit she was right on that one. Girl's got good instincts, she should just learn to follow them more. But this isn't about her.
"Hey..." I try to smile at him. It's hard putting yourself out there, dangerous even. "You okay?" But I don't want to be just a sometimes friend.
The End
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