Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, I own nothing.
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"My heart has been broken so many times that I feel like I'll never be happy again," I said tearfully. "Sometimes I just feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up!"
"I'm here for you," Steven said, putting his arms around me as I sobbed.
I shook him off. "No! Just leave me alone! That's all I want, to be left alone! Can't you see that?"
"Good work, both of you," the director complimented us as the scene ended. "Keep it up - I don't have to remind you that we open in two weeks."
As I began gathering up my things, Steven turned to me. "Hey, Cordelia, you want to get a cup of coffee or something?"
"I'd better get back to work," I said regretfully. "But thanks for the offer."
As I left the theatre, I wondered, what the hell was that all about? I didn't have to get back to work. Unless there was some huge emergency, Angel and Wesley would be OK without me. Actually, even in an emergency, they'd be OK without me. So excuse me if I'm not that great at the whole fighting-off-demons thing, OK?
And Steven was a nice guy. We'd been rehearsing this play together for like, ages, and he was nice. And cute.
I guess the words of the play had affected me more than I realised.
I mean, it was like the story of my life! Don't talk to me about broken hearts and failed relationships. First there were all those superficial relationships with guys who only dated me because of my looks. And I was dating them for the same reason. Then there was Xander. Well. Um. What can I say? The guy's a dork. He's also a great kisser. The two cancel each other out. And although I got major ragging on from my friends about him, he was probably the nicest guy in Sunnydale. Then, of course, he went and kissed, of all people, Willow! And then I got a stake through the chest. That really wasn't a great day for me. Xander and I broke up after that. Even so, he did still buy me my prom dress. How sweet, huh? Then, Wesley. Um. That went nowhere for, like, ages, and then he left. And I came to LA, and started working for Angel. And met Doyle. Wow. Sweet, funny, amazing . . . and incredibly, incredibly brave. He gave up his life to save those half-demons. I missed him. I still do. It still hurts. And then Wesley came back. And then, I met this photographer guy, who seemed really nice . . . until he impregnated me and I nearly gave birth to seven demons.
I wasn't exactly trying to rush into a relationship. OK, so I didn't have a boyfriend, but I was doing OK. I had Angel and Wesley, who, although they acted like overprotective parents, were the best.
I kept telling myself that. That I didn't need a boyfriend to feel OK.
It didn't stop me from wanting one, though. But at the same time, I was scared of getting too close. Make that absolutely terrified.
Life's a bitch, huh?
* * *
"Cordelia, are you OK?" Angel asked me the next day. I was back at work for the day, I wasn't needed at rehearsals.
I suppose I can understand why he was concerned. I had barely said one word all day. Something had to be wrong.
And although normally I'd have loved to moan about my problems, this one was different. I just wanted all the pain to go away. Talking about it wasn't going to help.
"It's nothing," I smiled at him. "I guess I'm just tired from all the rehearsals and stuff."
"If you need to take more time off . . . " he looked concerned.
"No, it's fine," I reassured him.
It wasn't. But hey, I was an actress, right?
* * *
I watched Doyle be destroyed. I watched Xander kissing Willow. Scenes flashed through my mind, all of them upsetting. I tried to block them out.
I was trying to sleep. I couldn't. I counted sheep and tried to clear my head, and nothing worked.
Phantom Dennis brought me hot milk. It helped a bit.
I yawned my way through the rehearsals the next day. When we finally finished up that evening, Steven invited me out for coffee again.
"Sure," I said. The look on his face was just too hopeful to let down. Plus, he was really cute.
We had coffee. We talked. We laughed. It was great. And then, I invited him back to my place.
We were just talking, chatting, discussing things, when the door was broken down and three vampires ran in.
This is OK, I told myself. Vampires. I can handle them. I had a stake under my bed, anyway, just in case. I grabbed it and staked them, but it was too late. One of them had killed Steven.
I lay down on my bed and sobbed my heart out.
* * *
Why? Why? Why did they have to kill Steven? Why couldn't I have had a relationship which worked for once? Why did everything have to go so terribly wrong?
To give them their credit, Angel and Wesley were really supportive. But it didn't help.
* * *
It had been two months.
I was still depressed.
Serena and Emily tried to arrange a couple of blind dates for me, but I wasn't interested. As a result, they stopped inviting me out with them. I guess I wasn't much fun to be around anymore.
Then, one day, I heard Wesley say, "Xander?"
I ran out. "Xander?" I said in amazement. There he stood, looking as goofy as ever.
"Hi, Cordelia," he said.
Hmmm. No sarcasm. No meanness. Just - neutral. God, that was depressing. We had a love-hate - mostly hate - relationship. Never neutral.
"Xander, hi," I smiled.
He grinned back at me, and impulsively I hugged him. He hugged me too, and inexplicably, my eyes filled with tears.
"Hey, hey, what's up?" he asked gently.
I wiped the tears away from my eyes. "I've missed you," I managed to choke out.
"Do you want to go out, get some coffee maybe, go for a walk?" he suggested.
I nodded. "Wesley, is that OK? I mean, can you handle things here?"
"Sure," he said, his expression neutral. Uh-oh, bad sign. But I could deal with that later.
* * *
"So, what brings you to LA?" I asked Xander as we walked down the street.
"You," he said honestly.
I looked at him in surprise, and he quickly added, "I mean, I heard about all the stuff that's been going on, and I thought you might need a friend."
"Angel told you," I guessed.
Xander shrugged. "Well, yeah. But," he hastened to reassure me, "it's not like he called me to discuss your romantic problems or anything. About a week ago, I called him - and Cordy, would I call Angel if it wasn't absolutely unavoidable? - to find out how you were. I ran into your mom and she said you hadn't even called her in months, so - I just wanted to check that everything was OK. Which was pretty much when I heard about everything."
I was silent for a moment. Then I said, "There's nothing you can do to change things, Xander. Doyle's still dead. So's Steven. My love life is still crappy."
"That's no reason to shut yourself off from the world," he said.
"Spare me the lecture," I replied flippantly.
"Fine," he shrugged. "Don't listen to me. I don't care. Spend the rest of your life closed off from everything."
His tone wasn't mean, but even so, I started to cry. I couldn't help it. I was so emotional these days.
He took me in his arms and held me until I stopped crying. Then he held me at arm's length and looked at me.
"What's happened to you, Cordy?" he asked me seriously. "You used to be so fun and, well, OK, a bit of a bitch, but it was better than this!"
I looked down at the ground.
"How did you get to be like this?"
I lifted my head until I was looking into his eyes. "I guess it's come from being hurt by so many people. Beginning with you when you kissed Willow," I added.
"Ouch," he said.
Yes, that had definitely been a bitchy comment on my part. Wow, that felt good.
"I think the bitch is back," Xander kidded.
I smiled. "You bring it out in me."
We continued walking along, laughing, talking, joking. It helped having Xander around. He was part of my old life, when I was Cordelia Chase, the coolest of the cool, Queen C.
I guess he reminded me that there was no point in hiding away from the world - not to mention all the cute guys out there!
"So how's Anya?" I enquired. "You two still together?"
"Mmm," he nodded.
"That's good," I smiled. Well, if I couldn't have him, I suppose Anya was next best. (And the best-dressed demon around.) Not that I WANTED Xander, or anything.
We agreed to stay in touch. I walked back to Angel Investigations feeling happier than I had in ages.
"Have a nice time with Xander?" Wesley enquired as I strolled through the door.
I looked closely at him. "Jealous, Wesley?" I teased.
He made a face at me.
I smiled.
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