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"Angel, do you mind if I take tomorrow off? I have an audition."
"Sure," he replied. "And break a leg."
"Thanks," I said.
You know, I never thought I'd feel bad about lying to someone.
Well, I guess there's always a first time.
I wasn't really going to an audition. I was going home. To Sunnydale. I had to see Xander.
I'd thought I was over him, like, ages ago. Since Xander, there'd been Wesley (God, what was I thinking???) and Doyle. And to be honest, since coming to LA, I hadn't thought about Xander once.
And now, suddenly, I couldn't get him out of my mind.
But to tell Angel that I really wanted the day off to go and see Xander and almost beg him to come back to me - well, it was too embarrassing to contemplate. I mean, Angel's opinion of me meant a lot, and he'd seen enough of the silly, immature, superficial Cordy when I was in high school. I HAD changed, OK? I wasn't like that anymore.
Well, I was working on it.
* * *
When I reached Xander's house, his mom informed me that he'd gone to the college to see his friends for lunch.
So off I went. When I reached the college, I wondered what my life would be like if I'd gone there instead of moving to LA to be an actress. Or try to be. I wasn't having much success now. But I would. Soon.
"Cordelia?" a voice came from behind me.
"Willow, hi!" I said.
"What're you doing here?" she asked curiously.
I debated: to tell, or not to tell? To swallow my pride and tell her why I was really here, or to make up an excuse?
"I'm here to see Xander," I said.
"Oh. Well, he'll probably be in the canteen," Willow said, as we began walking together. "He hangs around with us in there a lot, he might as well be a student."
"So where's your other half?" I asked, referring to Oz.
Immediately I sensed I'd said the wrong thing.
"He - um - left," Willow said quietly.
"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to -" I began.
"No, it's OK, you didn't know," Willow shrugged.
"Cordelia!" Buffy joined us. The perky blonde slayer sounded less than ecstatic to see me.
Can I confess something here? I have never been jealous of anyone in my life, apart from Buffy Summers. Normally people were jealous of ME. But there was just something about her...well, the blonde hair, for a start. That great figure which you just KNOW she doesn't even have to count calories to keep. The loving mother, the great best friends, everything. Not to mention the fact that I knew Xander had always had a major crush on her, even when we were going out.
"Hi, Buffy," I put on a smile.
"Hey, where's Riley?" Willow asked.
Instantly I became interested. Buffy had a new guy? Gosh, it hadn't taken HER long to get over Angel.
And it's not like I'm interested in Angel or anything, but if that had been me - well, it would've taken much, much longer.
I mean, what a body! That alone would keep me pining for about six months.
"He's got the flu," Buffy explained.
"Aaaaw," Willow responded.
"So, Cordelia, what're you doing here?" Buffy wanted to know.
Hold on now. Telling Willow why I was here was one thing. Telling the blonde princess was another.
But I guess I had to tell her. Otherwise it'd seem strange. "Seeing Xander."
"Oh. He didn't say anything," Buffy commented.
I would have loved to strangle her right then. "He doesn't know," I had to admit.
The three of us walked into the canteen. And there Xander was. With Anya.
Oh great. Just great.
"Cordelia," Xander said. "What're you doing here?"
"Whatever happened to 'nice to see you'?" I wanted to know. God, why did everyone act as if an axe murderer was in town when they saw me?
"Sorry, Cordy. It IS good to see you," Xander said.
"So what are you doing here?" Anya asked.
"I was in the neighbourhood and thought I'd drop by," I lied smoothly. "See how all my old friends are doing."
Buffy and Willow, to give them credit, didn't disclose the reason why I was really here. I suppose I should have been grateful but instead I felt humiliated, as if they were pitying me.
"I hear you're working for Angel," Willow said.
I nodded. "Yeah, just something to keep me going between acting jobs."
Thankfully no-one asked what acting jobs I was working on.
As Buffy, Willow, Xander and Anya talked, I began to feel more and more like an outsider. I shouldn't have come here. I once belonged with these people but I didn't anymore. I'd moved to LA and distanced myself from them. Now I was paying the price.
I felt stupid. How could I have ever thought I could get Xander back? He and Anya were together. He wasn't interested in some ex-May Queen, now a struggling actress.
After lunch, I told them all I had to leave now.
"Bye, it's been great seeing ya," Xander said.
"Yeah," Anya added. "See ya."
"Bye, Cordy," Buffy called.
"Hey, I'll walk you out," Willow said. "I have loads of time before class."
We walked out of the canteen together and continued slowly through the grounds.
"You didn't tell him you were here to see him," Willow observed.
"I couldn't," I admitted. "He's with Anya now - I felt so stupid!"
"But you're still crazy about him?" Willow asked.
I nodded.
"Yeah. Me too."
"Even after Oz?"
She sighed. "Yeah."
We reached the gates of the college.
"Bye, Cordy," Willow said.
"Bye, Willow," I said warmly as I began walking down the road.
* * *
I went home and felt depressed for a while. The phone rang and I picked it up. "Hello?"
"Hi, Cordelia?" It was Buffy.
"Hi," I said. Why was she calling? I wondered.
"I'm sorry for being so cold to you today," Buffy apologised.
I practically fainted. This was the last thing I expected.
"It's just that - well, you're spending so much time around Angel - I guess I'm a bit jealous."
I had to sit down with the shock.
"I know it sound stupid -" she went on.
"No, it doesn't," I reassured her. "Listen, it's OK. And thanks for not telling Xander why I was really there, by the way," I added.
"No problem. You really miss him, huh?"
"Yeah," I admitted. "But don't tell him that, OK?"
"Don't worry," she laughed. "See ya."
"See ya, Buffy," I said as I put down the phone.
Wow, I thought. That was weird. Bonding with Buffy. It felt extremely strange.
But I guess I could live with it.
* * *
"So, how did the audition go?" Angel asked me the next day.
"OK," I shrugged. "I don't think I'll get a callback though."
"Oh, by the way, Xander called. He found your bracelet. Said it had fallen under the table."
I'd been playing with it during their conversation. It must've fallen off.
"So were you planning to tell me you went to Sunnydale?" Angel wanted to know.
"Yeah," I defended myself. Like maybe in about fifty years or so, when it didn't matter.
"Within this decade, I mean." He knew me too well.
"Look, it was stupid, OK? I went to try and get Xander back. But he's with Anya, and it was dumb of me to think I could change things. I didn't tell you because - well, because it was a stupid and pathetic thing to do and I didn't want you to know about it because you'd think I was a total loser, OK?" I glared at him.
"Wow. Finally you're acting human."
"Coming from a guy who's been dead for over 200 years, that's not much of a compliment," I remarked.
"I just mean - people do things that are sad and pathetic. You don't have to be perfect all the time."
I didn't know what to say to that.
"So, are you OK?" he asked me.
"Oh, sure, I'm great," I said sarcastically. "I feel like a total loser, Xander's not interested in me and to top it all off, I have to go back there and face him again to get my bracelet!"
"I told him to post it to you," Angel said. "I had a feeling you wouldn't want to go back there."
"You're so sweet," I sighed.
"I'm a vampire. I don't DO 'sweet'," he said.
I rolled my eyes. Great, my life was back to normal. Struggling along, still minus a boyfriend, and hanging around with a Rogue Demon Hunter and a vampire.
I guess things could be worse. Although how, I haven't quite figured out yet.
Well, at least I've still got my good looks and charm. That's got to count for something, right?
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