Windmills
Author's note: Missing scene from "Touched". Contains some dialogue written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner.
Faith slumped back onto Buffy's bed. "Huh."
In spite of everything that had happened between them, not to mention the events of the last 72 hours, Giles had felt oddly proud when Faith awkwardly asked him to help her plan tomorrow's mission. When he realized Buffy had only told her the bare necessities, their planning session had extended to a run-through of everything that had happened this year; about The First, about the Slayer line... and about the origins of the Slayer, how the shadowmen had taken a girl and infused her with the spirit of a demon. Now he looked at the shell-shocked expression on Faith's face and wondered if perhaps he should have left the last bit out. "Look, I may have put that the wrong way..."
"No, that's cool." Faith's head was spinning and she stared right through him, swallowing hard. "So I'm a demon. Shoulda known. Kinda explains a lot, you know?"
"Faith, it doesn't change who you are."
She laughed flatly. "Damn right it don't. I mean, I may not be much of a Slayer, but I've killed enough of'em to know that one thing demons don't do is change. No free will, right? They're built to kill and that's all they ever do. If demons could be rehabilitated, me and B would be... vampire therapists or something." And here she'd actually thought that maybe everyone had been wrong... even Wesley. This the part where you tell me you’ve turned a new leaf? Found God? Inner peace? We both know that isn’t true. You haven’t changed. You can’t. You’re a rabid dog who should have been put down years ago.
"And what about Angel?" Giles briefly considered the irony that he (of all people) was using Angel (of all people) as an example to help Faith (of all people), then pushed it away. "Is that all he ever did?"
"Angel has a soul-"
"So do you."
"Ya think? Gee, what gave it away? Killing people? Running away? Standing by and watching B get kicked out of her own house, and then capping it by running Spike out too? Yeah, I'm just chock full of soul."
(Finally got what you wanted, didn’t you?)
Faith sat quietly for a few seconds, wishing she could talk to Angel or even Wesley, but they weren't here. "You know something, G? The other night, after we tried to fight that priest guy and everyone got killed or hurt or..." She took a deep breath. "I slept like a baby that night. I was happy. We fucked up and I loved it. I thought I was just that glad to be fighting with you guys again, win or lose... but what if it's just the hellmouth calling me home? Everyone expects me to do Buffy's job better than her, and how the hell am I supposed to know if I'm not just leading everyone to their death? I mean, demon or not, I'm not exactly known for making the right choices..."
"Well, there’s the fact that you're trying." Giles looked at her, surprised himself at how much that meant. Somewhere at the back of his mind his Watcher training urged him to reassure her, to get his soldier ready for battle. He hoped that wasn't all he was doing. "You have changed, Faith. The Faith I knew four years ago would have been ecstatic to be rid of Buffy, and probably wouldn't have thought twice about putting others in danger. You may not want to be the one in charge, but... You could have stayed in jail, yet you chose to come to what is possibly the most dangerous place on Earth right now, and I refuse to believe that you did so because you're evil. I won’t lie to you – merely trying will probably not be enough. But it’s all any of us can do. And if I can help you in any way..."
"Woah, back it up." Faith seemed to realize something. "You tryin’ to be my Watcher again?"
The older man leaned on Buffy's dresser and cleaned his glasses. "Would that be a bad thing?"
Faith got off the bed and paced back and forth. "Look, I appreciate the thought, but... In case you forgot, my track record with Watchers ain’t exactly a hundred percent. I let Kakistos kill Miss Davies, then Miss Post tried to have me killed, and Wesley... God..."
Giles looked at her with alarm. "You don’t mean that Wesley is –"
"Oh, no, he’s alive... if you call it that. No thanks to me, though." Part of her believed that; another part, one she tried to keep quiet, disagreed. Hell, from the looks of it, you kept him alive. Taught him about pain. Made him a survivor, a monster like yourself. She slammed that door in her head – for now – and the voice shut up. "I don't suppose you could settle for just being... I dunno, a spotter or something? Just stop me if I take on too much?"
"Of course."
"I mean, I don't wanna go off fighting any... steel mills or whatever that was you said to B earlier. Sounds wicked hard."
"Windmills," the Watcher automatically corrected. Seeing the puzzled look on her face, he continued. "It's from a book, the story of Don Quijote. He was... an old man who had read too many books and thought he was a hero destined to fight monsters and save damsels in distress. At one point he attacks a windmill thinking it's a giant, and almost gets killed."
The Slayer seemed to take this in. "So the monsters weren't real?"
"Not in that story, no. It was all in his head."
"But they're real here, right?" Giles nodded. There were a few seconds of silence before Faith stretched her back and cracked her knuckles. "OK then. Let's see what we got." She walked back to the maps spread out on Buffy's dresser, looking them over intently as if she was expecting them to give some sort of answer. "Sewer tunnel on the North side is closest so guess we’ll start there."
"Sounds fine. What time shall I tell everyone?"
"How about... around seven?" She fumed at the insecurity in her own voice. Don't be afraid to lead them. "Seven sharp. So tomorrow we fight."
"Tomorrow. Goodnight, Faith." Giles offered a brief smile as he headed for the door, then turned back. "And Faith?"
"Yeah?"
"You’re doing just fine."
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