Innocent When You Dream
Author’s note: missing scene from between "Dirty Girls" and "Empty Spaces".
It was 3 AM and Buffy couldn't sleep. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d gotten a good night’s rest, but lately it had been even worse. Rather than spend all night tossing and turning she got up and wandered around the house, stepping carefully over the girls asleep everywhere in extra beds, sleeping bags or just blankets on the floor. Potentials, Slayers-In-Training, Perhaps-Someday-To-Be-Chosen Ones; just ordinary girls, some of them thousands of miles from home, and looking to her to teach and protect them. And many of them might... no, would die before this was over. Even if she had a plan, which she didn’t, the hardline was still this: scared teenagers on one side, near-unstoppable monsters on the other. Hopeless.
She walked past a couple of girls whose names she, for the life of her, couldn’t remember right now. Probably a good thing; the more personal it got, the harder it would be. Buffy had known since she was 15 that she would die young, and accepted risking her own life, but this was different. Sacrificing innocent girls who hadn’t signed up for this? Playing chess – or let’s face it, it would probably be more like bowling – with real people? She didn’t think she had that in her. She wasn’t that hard, that cold. Not like...
She stopped pacing as she found herself standing in front of the one girl in here whose face and name she knew every detail of.
Faith was curled up in one of the easy chairs Xander had brought over from his apartment before he... (no, don’t go there. She couldn’t think about Xander and what she had let happen to him.) The other Slayer had refused a bed – probably thinking no one would have given theirs up for her anyway – but of course ended up sleeping more comfortably than most of the girls in here. Andrew’s speech seemed to have done its job; the only free space in the entire living room was a circle of a couple of feet around Faith’s chair. Whether that was from fear, respect or both, Buffy didn’t know, but she figured it was a good idea not to crowd her counterpart – Faith had had her back tonight, and they’d gotten along reasonably well, but there was no telling how stable that truce was. How stable Faith was. Buffy sighed. This is stupid. Maybe Dawn is right, she can't be trusted... or maybe it's just that I can't trust her? Same diff. I can't go into battle looking over my shoulder to make sure she's not getting ready to turn on me, or run away again, or... Was that why everything had gone wrong tonight? Had she been distracted because she didn't trust Faith?
Buffy wished she could talk to Giles or Willow about this, but... no. Like everything else, this would have to be her decision. Faith couldn't stay, and she had to find some way to tell her tomorrow. Maybe with a weapon nearby, just in case. But as she turned to go upstairs, she frowned and then turned back and took a closer look at the sleeping brunette. Something was different.
Buffy had seen Faith in a lot of moods over the years. Happy Faith (usually after she killed something), Sarcastic Faith (a lot of that one), Arrogant Faith (not to be trusted), even once – and this was a memory Buffy would never admit to another living soul – Horny Faith. But then there had been Cold Faith, Angry Faith, Insane Faith... and Broken Faith, Humbled Faith. But even when they'd been at their closest (and seriously, that was a one-time thing, heat of battle and stuff, and it wasn’t even much of a thing at all, really) there had been a huge part of Faith she couldn't reach, something she kept walled off. And when all that darkness and hate and self-loathing came out, it had seemed bottomless. Things must have started to go wrong for Faith long before she ever came to Sunnydale. That didn’t excuse anything she’d done, and Buffy still found it hard to feel sorry for her – but she had, sometimes, asked herself if there was something she could have done differently, if there was anything good left in Faith that she could have reached in time.
She looked at Faith again, and saw something she'd never seen before. The other Slayer was in a deep sleep, dreaming, and it seemed to be a good one – not the waking-up-sweaty kind of good, either; a hint of a childish smile on her lips, relaxed, free of worries and hurt, at complete peace. Under all those different faces, behind all those walls was something else... call her Innocent Faith. Buffy had no idea how deep down that one was or what memory she clung to, but she was still down there somewhere, strong enough to hold on. And tonight, at least for a moment, while the others slept, she'd made it up top. She wondered if –
"MOMMY!" One of the potentials cried out in her sleep, and Faith was awake and on her feet in the blink of an eye. When she realized there was no immediate danger she looked questioningly at the other Slayer, but didn't relax. Faith was herself again, tense and fidgety, ready to spring into action.
"What's up, B? We under attack?"
"No, it's nothing, I was just... I couldn't sleep. I keep thinking about what's coming."
"Yeah, tell me about it." Faith grimaced as she sat back down and pulled her legs up. "From beneath you, it devours. Really gives me the creeps, you know?"
Buffy nodded. "Oh yeah. Big creep factor." But as she walked back upstairs, she wasn't so sure she meant that. And just maybe she could get a couple of hours sleep after all. Just maybe she ought to put off that talk she had planned for tomorrow.
Just maybe there was a chance that good things can devour from beneath, too.
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