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Hearing the word “Angel" still puts weight on my heart, it always will. Giving up on that kind of love just doesn't happen quickly. Maybe never. I've tried to, I swear I have. But no matter what I do, nothing erases away the memory, the kisses, and the sex. They say that I am crazy or obsessed. But, I know the truth; that my heart has been blinded. My heart has felt and seen such a great love, that there is no other point to even try to find or overcome something that pure.
My heart and mind battle constantly. One always conflicting with the other. With Angel, my heart and mind were content. Perfectly happy where I was; who I was with. After he left, my mind told me to find another, that I could replace that empty abyss in my heart. Except my heart knew better.
I found Parker right after he left, desperately I threw myself to him, knowing all to well, that it was just a rebound. But I wanted to see if any other man could love me just as much. Parker wasn't up for the job. Impossibly, Parker dug a little deeper in the hole.
Perfect was what he was. Or so everyone said. Riley was patient, understanding, handsome, smart, gentle, everything a normal girl wanted. But I’m not normal. I guess I figured that out with Riley. I’m the slayer; I could never be normal. Too bad Angel couldn’t see it.
I tried to make things work. I only saw one flaw with him; that he wasn’t Angel. I thought I could work past that fact, but I couldn’t. I put a façade that sometimes even fooled me. Once, convinced that I no longer loved Angel, I threw away the necklace he gave me. The next day, I dug through the dumpster for three hours. Being with Riley showed me, that even if I do find the most perfect guy, I could never fully love him.
Being with only three men in my life, and the fact that the only one that I had loved was a vampire could be why I was with Spike. It could have also been because he wanted me badly, as if I was some sort of goddess; the way Angel had looked at me. Or maybe because Spike was ‘related’ to him. Either way, he filled me in a way that either Riley or Parker could accomplish. Yes, sex in a way, but he helped fill the hole that was slowly swallowing my heart.
Spike was there for me when I needed him, a cold shoulder that felt like Angel’s. But having your heart blinded doesn’t allow you to love anyone else. I wanted to love Spike, God you have no idea. Dawn loved him, he had a soul, knew me from the inside and out, he always had my back, but I couldn’t. Someone had stolen my heart and would always keep it.
When Giles told me that Faith had tried to kill Angel the only one think kept crossing my mind: Go to L.A. Help Angel. Going to L.A.; to Angel, was a stab to the heart. Seeing her cry all helplessly on him and him comforting her, I won’t lie, it hurt. It hurt more then when Angel hit me to defend her. I wanted to hurt him, hurt him like he had me. I told him that I loved Riley, that I trusted Riley. I was wrong, though, telling Angel that hurt me more than him.
By the time I saw Angel again, I was flimsy put together. My heart was missing a piece, but nonetheless I was able to function better. When I saw him in the crypt, my resolved fell, my heart shattered again. I did the only thing I could think of, and that was to kiss. My heart healed in an instant, and for a moment, I was whole again. Afterwards, he wanted to stay, and to help against the First. But I knew as much as I wanted to let him, I couldn’t. If he stayed, my judgment would be clouded and I would be constantly distracted. This battle, my mind won. If we failed I would need him to be there to fight the First with a second front. Through all the confusion of having Angel nearby, I told him that I was like cookie-dough. Not ready. That I don’t even think that far ahead into my future.
At the last moment my heart prevailed. Seeing him walk away again, my heart fought furiously to call out to him that I do. I do think that far ahead sometimes. Not wanting to be that last time I saw him, I was resolved to win. To win, and to be with Angel.
Of course we won. We had to pay a price though. Spike. Seeing him sacrificing himself, I knew that I loved him. Fully. But not in the way he wanted. I felt like I had to give him closure, and I told him I loved him. He caught my twist of words and rebutted me.
When we had won, my first instinct was to go to L.A. but I couldn’t. I knew that he loved me, and I loved him, but could we truly be together? No, and being nearby each other and not being able to do anything, would hurt too much. Placing myself in his shoes, I now understood why he had left me years ago. So I went to Rome, where I am currently. I met the Immortal and with him I pretend. Pretend that I have never known an Angel or known true love. It mostly works, but my heart still aches for him, and I think the Immortal knows it. Sometimes when I miss him most, I have these dreams that once Angel had been alive because of this Mohra demon. And that we were able to be together. But I think it’s just my mind soothing my heart.
I’m standing over the garbage, freezing half-way between throwing it away. Maybe I can never get over Angel or even forget him. But I can try. I take the necklace and lightly press my lips against it, and with one last look I throw it into the garbage. As I’m walking away, I realize that tomorrow, I’ll be dumpster diving.
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