Disclaimer: You know it, you've seen it, let's get on with our lives.
---
doo-do-doo-DOO-doo-doo-DOO-doo-doo-doo
Buffy Mallwalker had destroyed the Death Star, blown up Grand Moff Snyder, all with only minor aid from Kendra Solo, Ozbacca, her two droids Cordy-P-O and R2-Will-2, the late O-Bee-G Kanobi, and the rather dorky Prince Xander of the recently-blown-to-bits planet of Cretinaan.
Now, however, they had fled the wrath of Darthangelus and the Empire with the rest of the Rebels to the distant ice-planet of Hoth, a barren, lifeless world that was devoid of both malls and television. Needless to say, both Cordy-P-O and Prince Xander never stopped whining since their arrival.
On this chilly world, Buffy Mallwalker, newly promoted to a Rebel Squad Captain was patroling. Since the death of O-Bee-G, she had been working on honing her Slayer senses, but was too often distracted to get much done.
Pausing by a rather lopsided snowman, Buffy noticed a large, metal object looking quite like an Imperial scout crash to the ground. Calling up Kendra Solo on her walkie talkie, she told her that she would return to the base soon.
Turning her Big-Smelly-Llama-Like-Critter (or BSLLC for short) towards the object, Buffy went to investigate. Sadly for her, she was cut short by the large and hairy Darla-Beast. With a snarl, the Darla-Beast knocked Buffy unconscious with one paw, while messily gutting the unfortunate BSLLC with the other. The Darla-Beast headed off to its cave, dragging Buffy behind it.
Meanwhile, back at the rebel base....
Kendra Solo checked out how well Ozbacca was coming with the repairs for "Mr. Pointy", and then avoided the pesky Prince Xander's inane questions. Then, she went looking for Buffy (her superior) for orders.
After searching for almost four hours, Kendra began to suspect that something was wrong. She was about to go out in search of Buffy when one of the technitions called a state of emergency. Apparently some idiot had re-connected Cordy-P-O's vocal wires, and now everyone was running for cover. Luckily, Kendra was able to take out the offending wires with a blaster, destroying only a few unimportant circuts along with it, such as Cordy-P-O's moter functions. No one minded, though.
After this, Kendra went out in search of Buffy on BSLLC, even though it was becoming dark very quickly. Unknown to everyone else, R-2-Will-2 had already located Buffy's whereabouts, as well as figured out a plan for both rescuing her and finding a peaceful way to end the rebellion and also get the representation that they craved, but sadly no one understood what it was trying to say. Cordy-P-O was the only one who understood all of the bleeping, but even if it wasn't a self-absorbed twit, its vocal circuts were fried.
So, out Kendra went.
Meanwhile, on the Imperial Star Destroyer "Dracula"....
Darthangelus was conferring with the Emperor.
"My lord," he said as he bowed low onto the little communication pad. There was a slight slurping sound coming from his helmit, but that was because he was hooked up to a constant blood flow at the end of a straw.
"Yes, my servant." said the Emperor. Due to the bad connection on his end of the communicator all that Darthangelus could see of him was a large blob that might've been a face.
"You're the one who called me? What's up?" Darthangelus asked, punctuating this statement with a long "Slurp."
"There is a disturbance in the Force. The girlfriend of Angel Broodlurker, and the student of the late O-Bee-G Kenobi, Buffy Mallwalker."
"Sluuurp. Yes, I know. I have felt her."
"Lucky you. But she might be a danger to us."
"Slurp. Not if we convert her to our cause, she would be an excellent ally. Slurp."
"No, I have a better idea. If we convert her to our cause, than she would be an excellent ally."
"Brilliant, my lord. Slurp." the lights dimmed as the image of the Emperor dissapered, leaving Darthangelus to slurp away thoughtfully as he contemplated ways to snag Buffy Mallwalker.
Meanwhile, back on Hoth...
Buffy had been dragged into the lair of the foul Darla-Beast, where the thing went to 'freshen up' before devouring her. Luckily, Buffy was able to reach her lightstaker, and when the Darla-Beast returned, she hacked it into several pieces before fleeing the cave.
Outside, she managed to sprint a mile before collapsing. As she looked up from the fluffy snow, she beheld with her rapidly dimming vision a rather transparent O-Bee-G Kenobi.
"Hey, G, can you get an aspirin?" she asked weakly.
"Hell, no. You left me to die! I'm just going to give you some very vague orders."
"Whatever."
Clearly annoyed that even in death he couldn't get her to listen to him any better, he said, "Buffy. You will go to Dagobach. In a little section of the planet called Swampyvale you will study with the one who taught me. His name is Woda."
"Do I have to?"
"Yes."
"Damn."
O-Bee-G blinked out just as Buffy passed out, and also just as Kendra came riding up on her BSLLC. Kneeling beside her unconcsious superior and friend, Kendra asked urgently, "Buffy, what are my orders?"
Blinking back to consciousness for a moment, Buffy considered rambling, but simply went with rolling her eyes.
"Your orders are to get me back to the base alive."
"Fine."
Just then, Kendra's BSLLC fell over. "These damn things are always dying on me." sighed Kendra. She considered cutting the BSLLC open and shoving Buffy into it to keep her body temperature up, but decided against it. She simply hurried while setting up the tent.
Later, after the two had returned to base, Ozbacca made the serious error of destroying the Imperial scout, thus bringing the whole fleet right at them. After a rather spectacular fight, everyone who mattered got off the planet, and Cordy-P-O got off too, having stowed away in a toolbox.
While Darthangelus chased Kendra Solo, Ozbacca, Prince Xander, and the two droids, who were all in Mr. Pointy (which because of some shoddy repairing by Ozbacca couldn't get to lightspeed), Buffy Mallwalker travelled to the weird and smelly planet of Dagobach, where she met Woda.
Woda was a short, immortal demon devoted to evening the score between good and evil. He also had a hideous fashion sense. He taught Buffy how to be cryptic, how to keep back important information until the last possible minute, and also how to improve her lightstaking technique and mindcontrol on the side.
Meanwhile, back on the Mr. Pointy..
After hiding out in an astroid field for a while, Kendra Solo took the ship over to visit her old friend Fordo, who ran a goth club in Cloud City. Unknown to our intrepid heroine, the droids, and the heros, they were followed by one of Darthangelus' minions, the Annointed bounty hunter, Colin Fett.
Prince Xander didn't trust Fordo, but as Prince Xander never trusted anyone unless they were female and either completely out of his league or psycohotic, no one listened to him.
But he was able to say 'I told you so' to everyone when Fordo sold them out to Darthangelus, who came to collect them and use them as a trap for Buffy Mallwalker.
Back on Dagobah...
Buffy had a dream where she saw Darthangelus horrebly torturing Prince Xander and Kendra Solo, and while she wasn't particularly worried about that, they did have one of her droids which she needed back. Rushing out to save them, she didn't even notice it when O-Bee-G's ghost showed up again.
As the clouds of smoke from her engines filled the air, O-Bee-G remarked worriedly to Woda, "That girl is our last hope."
"No." said Woda, brushing off his hat, "There is another."
"Wait, isn't that.."
"Oh yeah, you're right. Drat, she is our last hope."
Back at Cloud City....
Everyone stood around the cryogenic preserving pit. Darthangelus was planning to test it out on Kendra to ensure that it would be safe to use on Buffy Mallwalker.
"What if it terminates her? There is a great bounty for her from the Hutt." said Colin Fett in his creepy reverb voice.
"Sluuurp. You will be compensated in that event."
As they dragged Kendra away from the group all of the Scumtroopers paused a moment for any last words that she might like to exchange with Prince Xander. They weren't dissapointed.
"I still like Buffy better than you." said Prince Xander.
"I still think that you are a useless twerp." said Kendra Solo.
Satisfied, Fordo pulled the switch, freezing Kendra cryogenicly for her trip to the secret base of the crime lord Larry the Hutt.
"Sluurp. Reset the pit for Buffy Mallwalker and take the remaining prisoners to my ship."
"Whatever." said Fordo. "Now, where's my reward?"
"Sluurrp. I'm stiffing you. I'm in one of my evil moods."
Fordo glared at Darthangelus, secretly plotting to throw a monkey wrench into his plans for this offense.
Fordo *did* free Prince Xander, Ozbacca, and the droids. However, they were unable to rescue Kendra Solo from being wheeled onto Colin Fett's big shoe-like ship and taken away. Everyone was a trifle saddened. Luckily, though, Ozbacca had the keys to the Mr. Pointy, and so they all ran to the ship and got out of there.
Back on Cloud City...
Buffy stalked quietly around the city, looking for her friends. Taking a wrong corrider, she found herself in the gloomy maintenance area. Behind her, she suddenly heard a loud "Sllluuuuuurrrrrpppp." along with some heavy breathing.
"Eeeew." she said as she turned to face Darthangelus. "I know I'm attractive, but that's just uncalled for!"
"Whatever." Darthangelus said.
They then got down to the serious business of fighting. Darthangelus tried to back her into the cryogenic pit, but she used her amazing Slayer abilities to jump out again. They fought for a long time with their lightstakers, and then Darthangelus finally won the upper hand by backing Buffy onto a catwalk and cutting off her hand.
"Oww!" yelled Buffy as her hand, still holding the lightstaker, fell down a drainage shaft.
"Slurp. Buffy," began Darthangelus, coming closer to her, a strangely intense note in his voice. "Join me. I can train you, and you can join the Dark Side!"
"Nope. Not going to happen." said Buffy as she edged away from him. "I'll never join you!"
Darthangelus came a little closer to her, the light reflecting weirdly off of his leather pants. "O-Bee-G never told you what happened to your boyfriend, did he?"
Inwardly marveling at this interesting conversation turn, Buffy nevertheless responded acidly, "He told me enough! He told me that *you* killed him! You rat-bastard!"
"Sluurp. No." Darthangelus took a deep slurp, apparently readying himself for some big statement.
"Slurp. Buffy, *I* am your boyfriend."
Buffy's response was quick and heartfelt. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wincing slightly at her volume and pitch, Darthangelus continued. "Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
Whimpering slightly in both emotional and physical pain, Buffy looked up at him in horror.
Encouraged by her lack of screams, Darthangelus held out his hand, "Join me, Buffy! Together we can defeat the Emperor and rule the galaxy as...um...as..." Darthangelus paused as he searched for a good way to phrase their relaitionship.
"Evil Vampire Sith Lord and Slayer Who Has Lost All Sense of Respect For Herself and Her Calling?" suggested Buffy.
"Actually, I was thinking of going with Unconventional Couple, but that works too. So what do you say? Will you join me?"
As an answer, Buffy let go of the catwalk, dropping herself down the drain pipe.
"She wants me." Darthangelus said smugly.
After that, Buffy attempted to contact Prince Xander telepathically, but got bumped out by his lack of brains. She had to call them on her cell-phone, which she had to dial with her tongue do to her lack of a right hand. She got picked up, and they all returned to the new Rebel base. Back there, Buffy was given a new hand and Ozbacca and Fordo went in search of Kendra Solo.
|
|
|
|
Rave
Barbie Girl (Becca)
biscuit07
Filmtheory (Jim)
Malice (Jess)
MebbtheScribe (MichaelB)
Reset (Allie)
Shay (Marrisa)
somnambulist29 (Shea)
Stephanie Loss
Wendyness (Wendy)
Questions?Contact Us
|
|
All stories on this site have been archived with the authors' consent. Do not copy these stories for your own uses without the express consent of the author themselves. Buffy the Vampire Slayer TM and Angel TM are © UPN, WB, Fox and its related entities. All photos on the site are © UPN, Fox, Warner Bros, and/or their respective owners. No profits are being made by use of these images.
Powered with the assitance of eFiction.
|
|
|
