Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy. Lucas owns Star Wars. I own the weird blending of the two. Thanks to Mike for his support, and to Scott for putting this idea into my head. And thanks also to Robyn the Snowshoe Hare, who thought up the names for everyone and read it through. And also to Jenni W.
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doo-doo-DOO-doo-doo-DOO-doo-DOO-DOO-doo
A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Pretty Far Away Depending On Where You Are....
A NEW HYPE
The small ship rocked violently as the Imperial Star Destroyer shot out its engines. The fashionably attired droid stumbled into a wall as numerous rebels shoved past it.
"They just blew out the engines," it noted to the second robot which had trundled up beside it. "DAMN! I had a wax bath sceduled!" Its companion made a small, mournful noise. "I guess that there'll be no escape for the Prince this time. And those Imperial jerks have no appreciation for a human-cyborg fashion consultant!" Cordy-P-O pouted. Very few droids were able to pout, but a rather sadistic programmer had given Cordy-P-O not only a rather shrill voice, a rather high opinion of itself, and a supreme lack of tact, but also the ability to pout. Cordy-P-O was the only droid of its kind, as its creater had been executed soon after its production.
Turning back around, Cordy-P-O noticed that its companion, R-2-Will-2 had dissapered somewhere. With an annoyed huff, the droid went in search of its conterpart.
It found its counterpart in a cargohold. A dark-haired guy wearing a pair of kylbasa-shaped earmuffs was kneeling next to it. When he got up, Cordy-P-O recognized Prince Xander of Cretinaan.
Prince Xander ran away, his white robes flapping, while R-2-Will-2 trundled over to the escape pod. "Aren't these supposed to be reserved for humans?" Cordy-P-O asked as she fired a blaster at a rebel attempting to reach the escape pod. Ignoring the bleeps and boops of its counterpart, they shot off, tumbling toward the planet. R-2-Will-2 bleeped softly to itself, ignoring the bitching of its partner about the decor of the pod.
Meanwhile, back on the ship.
A tall figure in black strode through the door. Commanding his lackeys to search out and capture the Prince, he settled down to torture a few rebels in his spare time. Much to his dissapointment, the Prince was soon brought to him.
"Darthangelus," the Prince said angrily, "only you could be so bold. The imperial senate will not stand for having a diplomatic envoy on a mission of mercy attacked in this way! W-"
The Prince's yammering was cut short as Darthangelus said, "Prince Xander of Cretinaan."
Things went downhill for the Prince from there.
A little while later...
After being captured by the Cheerleaderwoks, Cordy-P-0 and R-2-Will-2 were put on sale. They were purchased by a gallery farmer named Joyccu and her niece Buffy Mallwalker. While cleaning out the droids, Buffy discovered a message in R-2-Will-2 from a rather dorky looking guy with a pair of kylbasa-shaped earmuffs on his head. Apparently the message was for someone called O-Bee-G Kanobi. Having nothing really better to do, Buffy Mallwalker took the droid with the message and the annoying one out to see an old man in the Library, who people called Old G-Man Kanobi. She planned to return the droid with the message, and then dump the annoying droid in the desert on the way back. Luckily, Aunt Joyccu was completely clueless to just about everything that happened.
Reaching the Library, she met O-Bee-G Kanobi.
"I knew your boyfriend well." he said, polishing his glasses on his robe.
"You did? You knew Angel Broodlurker?" she asked excitedly, completely forgetting about that dorky-looking guy with the weird earmuffs who had sent the message for help. She had loved Angel Broodlurker greatly, but he had mysteriously dissapered the night that they had first made love.
"Yes. He was one of my students. Sadly, he was betrayed and killed by Darthangelus."
"That rat-bastard." said Buffy.
"I could teach you in the ways of the Slayer, Buffy. You show great potencial."
"Keen." said Buffy, "But I have to get back. Oh, yeah, and you have that message to listen to."
"Oh, yeah." said O-Bee-G.
Turning it on, they took naps while the dorky-looking guy yammered on about what terrible danger he was in. Something about plans, too.
At the end, they both woke up again. Shaking himself, O-Bee-G went over to a large box and took out a lightstaker, which he handed to Buffy.
"Your boyfriend wanted you to have it, when you were ready."
Changing her mind, Buffy decided to go with him. Trying to call home, she realized that the Empire had destroyed her home, including Aunt Joyccu and Uncle Ted.
"Drat." she said, and then they both headed off to the spaceport to find a pilot.
On their way into town, they were stopped by an Imperial Scumtrooper. It was then that O-Bee-G used his amazing Watcher ability to get them out of that situation.
"Ah ah ah ah STAYIN' ALIVE, STAYIN' ALIVE, AH AH AH AH AH!" O-Bee-G sang. Covering their ears in horror and self-defense, the Scumtroopers waved them through.
Going to a bar, they located a pilot and her co-pilot.
"This is Kendra Solo and her co-pilot Ozbacca." said O-Bee-G to Buffy.
Buffy glared at Kendra frostily. Kendra glared at Buffy frostily. Ozbacca shedded. O-Bee-G stuttered. Cordy-P-O and R-2-Will-2 stood out in the street where Cordy-P-O pissed off passersby.
"So how good of a pilot are you?" asked Buffy.
"I made the Bathroom Run in under 5 parsecs." Kendra said in her Amazing Wandering Accent.
"Whatever." said Buffy.
They all loaded onto Kendra's ship, "Mr. Pointy" and left for Cretinaan.
Meanwhile, on the Death Star...
Darthangelus dragged Prince Xander up to his superior.
"Grand Moff Snyder. I should've guessed when I smelt that stench upon boarding."
"I've got you now, Prince Xander. And unless you give us the location of the rebel base, I'm going to use this Death Star to blow up that planet of delinquints, Cretinaan!"
"No!" cried Prince Xander, "You can't do that! Cretinaan has no weapons, we're peaceful! None of us have the brains necessary to be any threat to you!"
"True, but you still annoy me. Now where is that rebel base?"
Sniffling sadly, Prince Xander said, "LA."
"Very good. Now, blow up the planet Darthangelus."
"With pleasure."
"You rat-bastard!" shrieked Prince Xander, "You said that you wouldn't!"
"Like everyone from Cretinaan, Prince Xander, you have neither brains nor luck with women. Which works out fine with me."
"NOOOOO!!!" screamed Xander as Cretinaan was blown to many tiny fragments.
Darthangelus snickered.
Back on "Mr. Pointy"....
"Shouldn't there be a planet here?" asked Cordy-P-O.
Kendra Solo and Buffy rolled their eyes at her complete denseness. Reaching over, Ozbacca unplugged Cordy-P-O's verbal functions.
Everyone cheered.
"Oh no!" O-Bee-G yelled in horror. "Somone has destroyed Cretinaan!"
Everyone cheered.
"I wonder why there wasn't a disturbance in the Force?" he mused to himself.
"The Force was probably cheering too." Buffy pointed out.
"True enough. But we still have to rescue their prince."
"Do we *have* to?" asked Ozbacca.
"Yes." O-Bee-G answered firmly.
"Drat." said Kendra.
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After being tractor-beamed in by the Death Star, the droids were left on the ship while everyone else went to free the ship and rescue the Prince.
O-Bee-G freed the ship by the simple means of unplugging the tractor beam. Getting lost twice, he started back to the ship.
Meanwhile, Kendra, Ozbacca, and Buffy Mallwalker, dressed up as Scumtroopers, went to the prison section to free Prince Xander. Finding out that he was sceduled for termination, they considered leaving him where he was for the good of humanity, but then reluctantly realized that O-Bee-G would probably just send them back to get the twit.
While Kendra and Ozbacca held off the Scumtroopers, Buffy ran to his cell to free him.
As she walked in, Prince Xander immediately sat up and said, "Wow. Aren't you too hot to be a Scumtrooper?"
Slapping him, Buffy said, "Jerk.", and dragged him out of the cell. After a few wrong turns and a brief trip to the sewers, they ended up back at the ship.
"Where's O-Bee-G?" asked Buffy.
"Over there, Slayer chick." barked Ozbacca.
Looking over to a doorway, they saw O-Bee-G fighting a good-looking-rat-bastard-in-black-leather-pants.
"That's Darthangelus, isn't it?" asked Kendra.
"No duh." said Buffy.
"Come on, we'd better go." barked Ozbacca.
"What do you mean, we can't just leave him!" said Buffy.
"Buffy, you're very hot, but he's clearly losing. He's also giving us the perfect distraction. Let's go." said Prince Xander.
Absently slapping Prince Xander, Buffy admitted the truth of the statement. Even as they were standing there, Darthangelus had offed O-Bee-G with his special lightstaker.
Everyone got onboard the ship, and they left immediatiatly for the real secret base of the rebels, because while Prince Xander was a dolt, he had enough intelligence (barely) to give the Empire a wrong address.
Unfortunately, the guys on the Death Star found them anyway by following the trail of Twinkie wrappers that Prince Xander left behind them in his stupidity.
There was a great final battle, where Buffy Mallwalker became a widely recognized heroine after she destroyed the Death Star singlehandedly, and Kendra Solo shot out the engine to Darthangelus' personal plane, sending him spinning away. To the joy of all, Grand Moff Snyder was killed along with the Death Star.
After their victory, the rebels moved their base to the ice planet of Hoth, fleeing the wrath of Darthangelus and the Emperor.
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