Spike watched as Xander and Anya said their wedding vows. He held Buffy’s gaze almost the whole ceremony. The only time she looked away, it was to wipe her tears.
After they walked down the aisle, Spike grabbed Buffy’s arm. “Can we talk?”
Buffy looked up at him with swollen eyes. “Yeah,” she said, pulling him off to the side.
Spike looked down at her but Buffy couldn’t meet his eyes. “Buffy?” He put his finger under her chin and lifted her gaze.
Buffy looked up at him with tear filled eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“For what?” Spike asked, stopping the tear that threatened to spill over.
“I know I hurt you last week, but I couldn’t do it anymore Spike,” she said, looking down at the ground.
“It’s not your fault,” Spike said, softly. “We both knew you didn’t love me and we didn’t try to stop it.”
“But I could’ve pushed you away,” Spike said, softly. “I wanted you. I didn’t care I wasn’t getting anything real from you. I had you.”
“You’re a good man,” Buffy said. “You need someone who can make you happy.”
“You make me happy,” Spike whispered. “When you’re with me.”
“But I was in pain, Spike,” Buffy whimpered. “You couldn’t push me away when I’m in pain. When I saw how happy Riley and Sam were, I realized that’s what I wanted. I can’t have that with you because I don’t love you. I miss you as my friend and I miss talking to you. Having you next to me makes me feel better. I don’t need us to pound each other into the ground. I’m not ready for a relationship with you and I don’t know if I ever will be but I don’t think I could handle it if you left.”
“Buffy, I don’t like being your dirty little secret but I didn’t say anything. I don’t like you in pain and to tell you the truth, I don’t like having you back,” Spike admitted softly.
“What?” Buffy whispered, almost falling over.
“I was beginning to but my life back together with Dawn. I was prepared for anything that was gunna be thrown at me except you. It was so hard to let you go the first time and the only that kept me going was Dawn. The pain I felt when I lost you is nothing to compared to the pain I’m feeling now. The three people who didn’t know about what Willow as doing, were the three who suffered the most.
“Dawn and I finally go back on our feet. I was finally able to let Dawn out of my sight. She finally went to sleep without out me there to comfort her. Giles went to England to put his life back together. We let you go but we suffered the most pain, he said, tears sliding down his face.
“I didn’t ask you come back,” Buffy growled.
“And I’m almost blaming you,” Spike said, softly wiping his tears. “But Dawn and I didn’t pull you out of heaven and you’re taking it out on us.”
“I didn’t mean to,” Buffy said, looking at him with tears in her eyes.
“But you did,” Spike whispered. “I know you’ll never love me which is why I can’t take it anymore,”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Buffy asked, softly.
“That I’m leaving,” Spike said.
“What?” Buffy whispered, in horror.
“Forever,” Spike said, walking away.
“You can’t tell me that,” Buffy said, grabbing his arm. “I don’t want you to leave.”
Spike paused and looked down at her. “Don’t make this harder,” he pleaded.
“Please don’t leave,” Buffy begged. “I-I need you.”
“Now you need me?” Spike growled, pulling his arm free. “I don’t want you to need me for sex because you can’t feel.”
Buffy flinched. “That was cold,” she whispered.
“How’s it feel?” Spike asked, softly.
“Fine. Leave. I don’t care,” Buffy said, running away.
Spike swallowed his tears as two people approached him.
“Spike?” Came Dawn’s frightened voice.
“Yeah?” Spike whispered, hoarsely.
“Are you okay?” Dawn asked, going toward him with Tara.
Spike looked at Dawn. “Glinda, can I talk
to Dawn for a second?”
“Sure,” Tara said, leaving them alone.
Dawn looked up at Spike with fear. “What’s going on?”
“I’m leaving,” Spike said. “Forever.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “But, what about me?” Dawn whispered.
Spike sniffled. “I love you and I always will but I gotta,” he said.
“Because of Buffy?” Dawn asked.
“Yeah,” Spike said, looking at the floor.
“Well can’t I go with you?” Dawn whimpered.
“Buffy would kill me for sure if she found out I took off with you,” Spike said.
Tara found Buffy sobbing in one of the dressing rooms. “Buffy?”
“He’s leaving,” Buffy said, through her tears. “He’s really leaving.”
“I think you’d better try and stop him,” Tara said, softly. “If he leaves, Dawn’s gunna hate you.”
Buffy looked up at Tara before going back to the main room. She heard, “Buffy would kill me for sure if she found out I took off with you.”
“Not if she never finds out,” Dawn said.
Spike smiled a little at his little girl. “Nibblet, I love you and I always will but your sister will never love me,” Spike said, softly.
“But I love you,” Dawn protested. “Spike this isn’t fair.”
“Dawn,” came Buffy’s voice.
Dawn looked at her sister with a gaze cold as ice. “What?”
“I need to talk to Spike,” Buffy said, wrapping her arms around herself.
Dawn looked at Spike and he nodded. “Go ahead, Lil Bit,” he said, softly.
Dawn reluctantly left the room and Spike looked at Buffy as his heart broke into a thousand pieces.
“I don’t want you to go,” Buffy said, softly.
“It’s not up to you,” Spike said, softly.
“Spike, I am really trying here,” Buffy said, trying not to lose her patience.
“It wont make me stay,” Spike answered.
“What can I do to make you stay?” Buffy asked, going toward him. “I cant love you.”
“Then why’d you put me though everything that you did?” Spike asked.
“Cause I wanted something real,” Buffy said, softly.
“You didn’t have to hurt me like that to have something real,” Spike whispered.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you!” Buffy flared, before backing off a bit.
Spike paused and looked at her for a moment. “I think we should sit down and talk,” he said.
Buffy sniffled. “Lemme get out of these clothes and we can go home,” she said softly.
Spike nodded in agreement as Buffy went to go change.
Tara, who over heard the conversation, came into the room after Buffy left. “Spike?”
Spike looked at her. “Yeah?”
“She needs you, you know,” Tara said, going toward him.
“Glinda, I cant be what she wants anymore. If she wants to feel, then she needs to find a different way to get that. Harris and Anya are in love. What they have is real. I saw the love in their eyes as they got married. Buffy and I can’t have that,” he said, softly. “As much as I may want her and love her. She needs to feel the same.
“She cant be afraid of telling me she loves me,” he whispered.
Then Buffy came in with tears in her eyes. “Spike, its not that I don’t love you. If I did, I would’ve told you. I can’t love you,” she whispered.
“Why?” Spike asked. “What is so wrong with loving me?”
“My friends would never understand,” Buffy said, wiping her tears.
“They don’t own you,” Spike said, softly. “Why do you spend your whole life pleasing them?”
“Because,” Buffy said, simply.
“There’s gotta be more to it then that,” Spike said, softly. “If not, why is it so important for me stay?”
“I thought we were gunna go home and talk about this?” Buffy asked, softly.
“Fine,” he muttered.
Buffy looked at Tara. “Can you take care of Dawn?” She asked.
“Yeah,” Tara said. “Go home and try and sort this out.”
Buffy looked at Spike before the two of them left.
At the house, Spike watched as Buffy paced across the living room ever so often wiping away a few stray tears. “Buffy?”
Buffy looked at him with frightened eyes. “I don’t want you to leave,” she whispered.
“You didn’t leave me much choice,” Spike said, softly.
Buffy collapsed on the couch and held her hands to her lips. She closed her eyes and tried to force her tears away. “I don’t know what to say to make you stay,” she whispered.
“How about the truth,” Spike said. “You owe me that much.”
Buffy wiped her rears. “If you want me to tell you I love you, I cant. It’ll hurt us both.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to say it if you didn’t mean it,” Spike said, going to sit next to her.
“I need you,” Buffy said, looking at the floor. “Because you’re the only one, I wanna be with. It wasn’t supposed to lead to sex. It was just supposed to be us as friends. I don’t know what happened, but I cant live with out you. My friends wont understand, that’s why I keep turning to you.”
“I don’t understand either,” Spike said.
“You’re the only one who understands me,” Buffy said. “You’re the only one who lets me be Buffy and not the slayer. I really need to Spike. Just here. With me.”
“And what’s gunna happened when life’s not good to you?” Spike asked.
“You can be good to me,” Buffy said. “Please?”
Spike looked at her for a long minute. “I’ll stay but things need to be different,” he said.
Buffy looked at him before laying her head on his shoulder. “Thank you,” she whispered.
Spike wrapped his arms around her as the door opened.
“Buffy?”
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a/n: sequel coming soon
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