Xander looked carefully over his shoulder. No one. He reached into his locker and pulled out the old baseball cap, the Houston Astro's logo almost faded from it, and slid it his back pocket, covering it with his flannel shirt. A glance through an empty classroom showed the lengthening shadows as the sun lowered in the sky. In a few moments the light would be perfect. The halls were empty, and no one was ...
"Xander."
Xander spun around, almost slamming his hand with his locker door. "Oh, hey, Willow," he said, laughing nervously, "what's up?"
Willow's brow creased as she saw Xander moving from foot to foot. "What's wrong?" she asked, moving next to him.
"Wrong? You mean with me or the world in general? Well, the burning of the rain forests is a bad thing," Xander said quickly, "and you know I'm not in favor of acid rain. And, I'm late, as usual. 'Bye." He moved towards the nearest door.
"Xander," Willow said as Xander brushed past her. She reached out a hand to grasp his, but he was moving too quickly.
He dashed down the hall and slid out the door, glancing over his shoulder to make sure Willow wasn't following. She stood paralyzed, her face stricken with indecision.
"What's up with Xander?" Buffy asked as she walked up behind Willow.
"I don't know," Willow said, her voice quavering. "He's not talking to me anymore."
"What do you mean? He's with you all the time," Buffy said.
Willow shook her head. "But he doesn't talk to me," Willow said. "He talks, but he doesn't SAY anything." She closed her eyes and wiped a cheek with her hand. "I don't know what's wrong."
Buffy glanced at her friends' face and narrowed her lips in a determined line. "Then let's go find out," Buffy said, putting her hand in Willow's back and starting her down the hallway.
* * *
Xander glanced around, making sure the tennis courts were empty. All the athletic types were gone home for dinner. With the sunshades around the court, he strode into the last spot of sunlight, casting his shadow on the practice wall.
The shadow was tall and thin, almost perfect. He pulled the old Houston Astro's cap and put it on, facing the shadow.
He could remember Jesse's voice, all the talks about nothing they'd shared. The stupid jokes, the constant ribbing. He missed seeing him in school. He missed him more every day.
'Hey, Xand,' the voice in his mind said, echoing so many similar greetings.
"Hey, Jess," Xander said quietly. He looked at the shadow, so much like his friend.
'Why the long face, dude?' Jesse asked.
"I just miss you, man," Xander said, a smile quirking the edge of his mouth. "I miss you telling me what a jerk I am."
'It's not your fault, you know,' Jesse said. 'You're still a jerk, but you didn't kill me. You avenged me.'
"I staked you," Xander said. He held up his right hand before the shadow and looked at it carefully, searching for Jesse's eyes. "I watched you turn to dust."
'That wasn't me, Xander,' Jesse said. 'I died long before you staked anyone. I'm just glad I didn't kill you. If I did that, you'd've never let me live it down.'
"Hey, you can't kill me, I'm the Xand-man." Xander struck a pose before the wall, arms bent like a bodybuilder. He dropped his voice an octave. "Why, I can jump to a conclusion in a single bound."
Jesse laughed. 'Yeah, and it'll be the wrong one,' Jesse said. He was quiet for a moment, then Xander could imagine his sigh. 'Why can't we just talk about women?'
"Speaking of women, did you see that new dress Cordelia wore yesterday? It was low cut, just the way you like it," Xander said, waving his hands before his chest.
'I'm still thinking about that blue tie-die cutoff Buffy was wearing.' Xander could imagine Jesse wriggling his eyebrows, pursing his lips to let out a wolf whistle.
"Woah, buddy, I'm the one jonesing for Buffy," Xander said spinning to face the shadow on the wall, "you've always had a thing for Cordelia."
'Gotcha,' Jesse would laugh at him.
"Yeah," Xander said, joining the laugh in his head. "You always did get my goat."
'It only takes a pretty face to turn you into a bibbling idiot,' Jesse said. He stopped laughing as Xander turned serious again.
"That's not fair, Jess," Xander said quietly. "She's a lot more than a pretty face and you know it. She's ..." He stopped talking and waved his hands before him vaguely. "She's ... Buffy."
'Yeah,' Jesse agreed, and Xander could imagine him nodding, 'she is.'
* * *
Buffy looked around the corner of the school. Through the sunshade she could see Xander standing before the practice wall.
Willow peeked around the corner over Buffy's shoulder. "What's he doing?" Willow whispered.
"I dunno," Buffy whispered back. "Looks like he's talking to himself. I can't hear his voice, but his mouth is moving."
Willow peered carefully through the sunshade. "Is he wearing a baseball cap?"
"And mess up his hair?" Buffy asked. She looked as Xander laughed and waved at his shadow. "Yeah, I guess he is. That's weird, isn't it? I mean, I didn't even know he was a baseball fan."
"He's not," Willow said softly. A single tear rolled down her cheek as she clenched the fence, her fingers pale and bloodless. "But I know who was . . ."
* * *
Xander laughed. "That's why I miss you, Jess," he said. "I mean, I love hanging out with Buff and Willow, but they don't understand guy talk. Willow tries, but ..."
'She feels she's got to fill the silence,' Jesse said. He was quiet for a long moment. Xander stared at his shadow. 'Guys can just hang.'
Xander nodded. Movement at the edge of the court caught his eye. He turned and spotted the telltale flash of long red hair as someone dashed around the corner of the building. "I think I better go, man. I think we're starting to draw a crowd."
'They're just worried about you, man. Your behavior isn't exactly normal, you know.' Jesse laughed, matching Xander move for move as Xander looked over his shoulder.
"That coming from a ghost," Xander muttered as he took off his cap and walked towards the entrance to the tennis court. "See you later."
'I'll be here, Xand-man,' Jesse said as he walked into the shadows of Xander's mind. Xander stuck his cap in his back pocket and covered it with his shirt.
Xander walked through the gate and around the corner and stopped, pretending to be surprised. "Buffy, Willow, what are you doing here?"
"Following you," Buffy said. "So what's going on, Xander?" She stood with her arms crossed, facing him.
"Yeah, what are you doing here this late?" Willow asked. She sounded concerned.
"Helping me," Giles said from behind Buffy and Willow.
"Wha ..."
"But ..."
"If you two will excuse us," Giles said, stepping up and grasping Xander's arm, "we'll finish this in the library. Alone."
Xander raised an eyebrow as Giles dragged him past the two girls. He smiled weakly and waved a hand at Giles' back. "Gotta help Giles."
Buffy and Willow looked at each other, surprise and suspicion mirrored on their faces. They started towards the school when Giles glared back at them as he opened the school door to let Xander in.
"Maybe we should ..." Willow started.
"... go get ice cream?" Buffy finished, pivoting towards the street. She linked her arm in Willow's and half-dragged her away from the school as Willow looked towards the school. "I think Giles wants to talk to Xander man to man."
"I didn't know he still thought about Jesse," Willow said as she turned and walked beside Buffy. "I thought he was over ..."
Buffy wrapped an arm around Willow's slight frame as she started to cry. Again. "It's OK, Willow," Buffy said soothingly.
"I thought I was over it, too," Willow said between gasps for air. "I still miss him."
"He was a sweet guy," Buffy said, a misty tear in her on eye. "Maybe you can tell me some more about him." She guided Willow down to the sidewalk and glanced back at the school. 'Good luck Giles,' she thought. 'Good luck, Xander.'
* * *
Giles turned to Xander as they stepped inside the school doors. "Why haven't you come talk to me?"
"About what?" Xander asked, shaking his arm loose from Giles' grasp.
Giles pulled off his glasses and rubbed his nose. "Xander, you were a "B" student before I arrived in town. Before Buffy arrived, you had a chance to be an "A" student this semester. Before Jesse died ..."
Xander sighed, but kept silent.
"... and now you're failing three classes this semester," Giles continued, pulling a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiping his glasses. "You still have time to catch up, but not if you don't try." Giles hesitated, but Xander held his silence.
"I never really knew Jesse. Willow's talked about him some, but you were his best friend, weren't you?"
Xander nodded slowly, staring at the floor.
"You know, I've seen you out there every Wednesday since Jesse was killed," Giles continued when Xander kept his silence. "You go out on the tennis court and talk to your shadow in the setting sun. You've done it more often lately. Every day this week." He slid his glasses on. "And, it's the only time I've ever seen you wear that cap you hide in your back pocket."
"Oh, you know about that, too, huh?" Xander said, pulling the cap out of his back pocket and running his hands around the brim.
"I take it the hat holds some significance," Giles asked, walking towards the door to the library.
"It was a gift from Jesse,'" Xander said, following Giles down the hall. "He brought it for me from Houston for my 12th birthday. I wore it that whole summer."
"It must have meant a lot to you," Giles said as he opened the library door and escorted Xander in.
"No, nothing to me," Xander said, and laughed as he looked at the cap. "I always thought baseball was stupid, even when I played. Even Willow's better at it then I am. But it meant everything to Jesse."
"He was a baseball fan?" Giles asked, trying to draw Xander out, to keep him talking.
"Fan? No, he was a fanatic. He could name every starting player in the National League. He memorized baseball players like I do guitarists." Xander held up the cap for Giles to see. "He played first base on varsity, even though he was only a sophomore. He wanted to be a hero."
A faded autograph was just visible on the brim of the cap, too faded to read the broad strokes of the name. "And who's this?" Giles asked.
"Damned if I know," Xander admitted sheepishly. "Jesse told me, but I forgot. He had one, too." Xander was quiet for a moment, staring at the hat in his hand. "His parents buried it in place of his body when he died."
Giles listened patiently as Xander talked, haltingly at first, then in a rush of words. "It's like a piece has been cut out of me that won't heal. He and Willow have been my best friends since I can remember. We did everything together, went everywhere ... it was always the three of us. Like 'The Three Musketeers.'"
"You've read it?" Giles asked, surprised.
Xander shook his head. "Willow did, she just compared us to them. I think that's why she's never mentioned them in comparison to us and Buffy."
"She misses him too," Giles said softly. "But more than anything, I think she misses the closeness she had with you."
"What do you mean?" Xander asked. "I see her every day."
"Yes," Giles nodded, "yes, but do you talk to her?"
"All the time," Xander said with a laugh. "She says it's what I'm best at."
"About Jesse?" Giles asked. He felt like he'd just knifed Xander as he watched the pain and grief flash across his face. "She talks to me about him sometimes while she's helping me ..."
Xander wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt. His cheeks burned red, and he wouldn't meet Giles' eyes, but he didn't say anything.
"... she talks to Buffy, too," Giles continued. "But she can't talk to either of us the way she can talk to you. We don't share the same memories, the same intimate knowledge the two of you do." Giles watched Xander as he wiped his cheeks with a sleeve again.
"I can't," Xander said, his chest heaving. "I ... she ... Jess ... I can't." Xander stumbled forward and collapsed onto a chair, his head on his arms on the table. "I can't," he mumbled.
"If you don't," Giles said softly, laying a hand on the boys shoulder, "you are going to lose her, too."
Xander sat up straight and met Giles' sympathetic gaze. "What do you mean?" he asked. His eyes shined with moisture, but there was no hint of pain on his face. All that showed was his concern for a friend in need.
Giles smiled and sat across from Xander. "I think she needs her friend," he said. "She's already lost one lifelong friend. The only way you can let her know she hasn't lost another is if you are there for her." 'And let her be there for you,' he thought.
Xander sat back against his chair and looked up at the brilliant sunset out the window of the library. He took a deep breath, shuttered and sighed. "I can try," he said.
"That's all any of us can do," Giles said, pushing himself to his feet.
* * *
Buffy picked at the last squishy bite of the melted banana split and studied Willow's pinched face before her. Her cheeks were paler than usual, and Buffy could see the beginnings of rings around Willow's eyes. "Sure you don't want some more?" she asked, pushing it towards Willow.
Willow shook her head. "You go ahead," she said, pushing it back towards Buffy. She stared out the window of the ice cream shop towards the school. Buffy shrugged and tossed her spoon into the dish. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.
"What?" Willow asked listlessly.
"Jesse," Buffy said directly. "His death. You falling apart." She watched as Willow turned slowly from her observation out the window and focused on her face. "Xander."
Willow flinched at the mention of his name. For a moment the was completely still, then her breathing quickened.
Buffy thought she was about to burst into tears and reached a hand towards the napkins, but stopped as she realized Willow was looking over her shoulder.
"Xander," Willow said, her color brightening as a small smile crept across her face.
"Hey, Buff, hey Will," he said as he eased into a seat next to Willow. "You want to order something?" he asked Willow with a shy smile, "I'm starving."
"I just ate ..." Buffy started.
"Sure," Willow said, her smile broadening. "What do you want to get?"
Buffy stared at Willow. She seemed to glow from within as Xander opened a menu and placed it before her.
"Buffy," Xander said casually, taking his eyes off Willow for a moment to meet Buffy's steady gaze, "Giles told me he wanted to see you in the library."
Buffy frowned, her brow creasing with frustration.
"It's not an emergency, is it?" Willow asked, tearing her eyes from Xander's face and starting to stand up.
"No," Buffy and Xander said in unison. They stared at each other and laughed.
"At least I hope not," Buffy said as she stood. "You guys just stay here, and I'll see what Sunnydale's resident bookworm wants. I'll see you two in the morning."
Willow waved goodbye with a hand, but her eyes were already back on Xander.
Xander winked at Buffy, a small smile quirking the side of his mouth. He turned back to Willow and opened his own menu. "I think I'll have a tin roof," he said carefully. "We can share it and talk about old times."
Buffy walked out of the shop and turned to look through the window one last time. Xander had reached out and grasped one of Willow's hands and was stroking it absently as he stared at the table. Willow had tears running down her cheeks, but she was smiling. Buffy couldn't tell what they were saying, but they were talking again.
"I don't know how you do it, Giles," she said softly to herself as she made sure the stake up her sleeve was accessible, "but you ARE a god."
She turned and walked down the street, listening, body tensed and aware, just in case. You could never be too careful in a town like Sunnydale.
The End
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