Hi. Um, just little old me here, writing a little disclaimer, so that you know Joss didn't write this
and that I don't own anybody. No offence to The X-files (I love you M & S) but, ugh! I hate
Star Trek and Star Wars. Pretty much, anything Star related, huh? This script is just something
that a 15 year old dreamed up one day, in a really boring lesson and decided to write up for the
joy of everyone else. Don't sue! Please, don't sue! Oh, and AleXander, don't worry. You still
remain the coolest transcriber, OK? Yeah baby, yeah!
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the mud, the stench and
the forces of the quagmire. She is the Layer... my god that sounds rude. Can we change it
please?
SCENE 1 - REAL LIFE (SORT OF) OR PERHAPS IT'S A DREAM
(Sarah Michelle Gellar is flicking through a thick script. On the front, we can see the words
"Guffy The Quagmire Layer, written by Gosh Peed-on. Sarah smirks in disbelief.)
SARAH: What sort of a script is this?! It sucks big time. I mean, c'mon, quagmires?
SARAH'S AGENT: But you'll do it...right?
SARAH: Sure. Who knows what could come from this?
SARAH'S AGENT: Money, fame-
SARAH: Loss of cred, but hey! That's what being a quagmire layer is all about!
(Blood suddenly drips down SARAH'S AGENT's face and he starts to quiver. His face
explodes, splattering SARAH with skin and eyeball. She looks up frightened and sees THE
MASTER wearing smudged red lipstick and cheap earrings.)
MASTER: Welcome to my quagmire, Layer!
SCENE 2 - GUFFY'S BEDROOM
(GUFFY wakes up gasping, sitting bolt upright in her rumpled bed)
GUFFY: (terrified) Ohmigod! (gasps, horrified) That lipstick was so passé!!!
(Breathing in deeply, GUFFY gets out of bed and shoves a spade and wellington boots into her
school bag.)
GUFFY: I could be in for some major laying today. (GUFFY covers her hand with her mouth as
she realises how disgusting what she said must have sounded like)
GUFFY: Did I just say that?! (Her eyes flicker to her bedside table, where the thick manuscript
we saw at the beginning lies. GUFFY picks it up slowly and turns the pages until she reaches the
required scene.)
GUFFY: Wait a minute! Something's wrong here! These pages are covered with quagmire mud!
I can't read what's going on! OH NO!!!
*~ ~ OPENING CREDITS ROLL ~ ~ *
SCENE 3 - THE SCHOOL LIBRARY
WILLOW: This is terrible. All of our scripts are ruined. What are we gonna do for the rest of the
episode? (XANDER steps forwards, his face is solemn.)
XANDER: I *need* my script! Without it my character is an empty, unpopular nobody who will
permanently have his foot in his mouth saying completely stupid things!
BORE-DELIA: Without it?! (XANDER throws her an angry look)
GUFFY: Giles, what can we do?!
GILES: I'm having trouble enough trying to think of something to say or even *do* for myself.
XANDER: Just say something like..."You are the Layer! Go and Patrol! Books are rather jolly
good!"
GILES: You are the Layer! Go and Patrol! Books are rather jolly good! (smiles, pleased with
himself) Well, that's me sorted. Do you think I can get away with it for a whole hour?
XANDER: How do you say, joke? (GUFFY suddenly farts long and loud. Everyone else backs
away, retching and holding their noses.)
GUFFY: Sorry, but Guffy by name, Guffy by nature!
XANDER: I've got another one of those for ya! Bore-delia by name, Bore-delia by nature!
(BORE-DELIA spins around and whacks XANDER in the head with her hand bag.)
BORE-DELIA: You weren't saying that when you had your hand up my skirt in the broom-
closet. (Everyone turns around and stares at Xander, horrified.)
XANDER: (chuckling embarrassedly) What?!
GUFFY: OK, I'm the main character and I need to hold this show together somehow...so what
should I say?
XANDER: Just say something like, uh, (puts on a high-pitched voice) "I want a normal life! I
want a normal life!" Then finish it off with some of those little grunts you make when you're
Laying quagmires!
GUFFY: I have a better plan. (GUFFY strips her vest top and skirt off quickly, leaving her in
only her bra, knickers and knee-high boots.)
XANDER: O-o-okay. That could work too.
SCENE 4 - A QUAGMIRE...SOMEWHERE.
(The quagmire is dark and yukky looking. XANDER and GUFFY sit cross-legged at its side.)
XANDER: So-o-o-o...remind me what we're doing here again?
GUFFY: Well, the show's called Guffy the Quagmire Layer so I figured we should probably do
some-
XANDER: -quagmire laying.
GUFFY: Yeah!
XANDER: But what does that mean? (GUFFY pouts)
GUFFY: (whining) I don't know! I was kinda hoping we'd find out through trial and error.
XANDER: Or perhaps just the error. (GUFFY throws XANDER a look. As she does so, she
breaks wind, causing Xander to leap to his feet)
GUFFY: (apologetically) Sorry. I get kinda guffy when I'm nervous.
XANDER: You think so?
GUFFY: I guess there's only one thing left that *can* be said.
XANDER: And that would be...
GUFFY: (high-pitched) I want a normal life! I want a normal life! Uh! Grr! Huh! Yah! Uh!
XANDER: Those little grunts always do it for me. Thanks. (GUFFY smiles modestly, tucking a
loose strand of hair behind her ear girlishly.)
XANDER: (excitedly) You know what!?
GUFFY: No...What?
XANDER: (making it up as he goes along) I think that the, uh, script mentioned something about
you kinda....kissing me.
GUFFY: (scolding) Xander! I'm not that stupid. I think I'll stick to my sentence. (high-pitched) I
want a normal life! I want a normal life! Uh! Grr! Huh! Yah! Uh!
XANDER: Oh boy.
SCENE 5 - THE SCHOOL LIBRARY
(GUFFY and WILLOW are sitting on a desk, chatting excitedly about something or other.
Suddenly Snyder rushes in, fists clenched and teeth bared.)
PRINCIPAL SNYDER: Guffy Bummers! Get over here this instant! (GUFFY slips elegantly off
of the desk, and flits over to the principal.)
GUFFY: How can I be of assistance? (GUFFY suddenly looks into SNYDERS face, and
recognition flickers in her eyes.)
GUFFY: What the hell is this?! Star Trek?!
WILLOW: At least you're not the shortest on the show now though, huh, Guffy?
GUFFY: This nightmare has s-o-o-o got to end! (GUFFY pushes SNYDER out of the library
and into the corridor, slamming the doors shut behind him)
GUFFY: I've had enough! I'm gonna re-write the script. Then at least I'll be able to make sure
that Xander doesn't come onto me, I won't have to poke around stinky piles of mud anymore
and Principal Troll-head will leave me alone. (She inhales deeply.) I feel much better for that.
WILLOW: Buffy just stick to your (high-pitched) "I want a normal life! I want a normal life"
routine. It's the safest way to go.
GUFFY: No way, Will. By the time this short lived episode is out, I will have concocted a
fantastic sci-fi-slash-fantasy show which makes the X-files look old and boring, and Star Trek
even more so. It'll be for teenagers! For adults! For children! In America, the last episodes of
Season three will be postponed because of their intensity! And in England, the British will receive
it in clumps shared between two different TV networks!
WILLOW: All that, and you haven't even started it planning it yet?
SCENE 6 - THE LIBRARY...JUST LATER ON.
(GUFFY sits behind a computer, gazing intently at the screen which is totally blank. The library
doors suddenly creak open, and Xander and Willow enter.)
XANDER: Hey, Guffster!
GUFFY: Hey! (She remains staring at the computer as Xander and Willow surround her.)
XANDER: Whatcha doing?
WILLOW: Guffy's trying to write us a new script. Not that it will do much good - the episode's
almost over.
XANDER: What do you want us to do?
GUFFY: (frustrated) You? Do?
XANDER: Yeah...us doing things for you? It's called helping.
GUFFY: (yelling angrily) Look! I'm the Layer here! I run the show...in fact, the whole show's
named after me! I'm on all the posters, mugs and shot glasses, so I do all the saving the world
stuff, OK? That includes writing the show *myself.* (She turns back to the computer, tapping a
couple of keys to make it look as if she's making progress. Just as WILLOW and XANDER
start to leave, Guffy faces them once more.
GUFFY: (quietly) Though if you really wanna help...you could ask that cute wise-man guy out
for me.
WILLOW: What you mean Gay-ngel?
GUFFY: Yeah, him. Cool. Thanks guys. I knew I could count on you.
(WILLOW and XANDER give each other looks, then leave quickly.)
GUFFY: Now to get to work.
SCENE 7 - A DARKENED STREET...SCARY!
(WILLOW and XANDER stand shivering in the middle of the alley way. XANDER nods to
WILLOW and she begins the scripted routine.)
WILLOW: (stiffly, making sure everyone can hear) Oh no, help me. I am stuck in a very, uh,
scary quagmire thing. I need help. Help me someone. Can anyone-
(GAY-NGEL enters. He is a young, well dressed man with a smouldering look.)
GAY-NGEL: Hey.
XANDER: Let the woman finish.
GAY-NGEL: Sorry.
WILLOW: -please help? This quagmire is so sticky! I'm dying. What will I do? I need-
XANDER: OK, that's enough.
WILLOW: Listen, Gay-ngel, we need your help.
GAY-NGEL: With the sticky quagmire that's sucking you down. I know, I know. I heard your
little speech.
WILLOW: No! Help with something else.
GAY-NGEL: What's that?
WILLOW: Would you go out with Guffy?
GAY-NGEL: Hello? Read the name! I'm *gay!*
WILLOW: Oh. But, will you go out with her?
GAY-NGEL: (gestures to XANDER) Nope. But your friend's looking mighty fine.
XANDER: (disgusted) Oh god! Won't Guffy hurry up and write that script?
SCENE 8 - BACK AT THE LIBRARY (YET AGAIN)
(GUFFY sits alone at her computer. The camera pans slowly around her as if someone is
watching her.)
GUFFY: I can't do this! The pressure is just to much!
V.O: Here, let me ease it for you!
GUFFY: What the..? (She spins around and comes face to face with JAR-JAR, a blonde haired
vampiric Jar Jar Binks.)
GUFFY: Ohmigod! Now this show's turning into Star Wars!
(JAR-JAR grabs GUFFY by the arms, yanking her out of the computer chair. GUFFY screams
and runs off into the stacks to hide.)
GUFFY: (whispered, to herself) OK, fight scene. *Major* fight scene. What do I do?!
(GILES walks calmly past her, placing a couple of books back on the shelves.)
GUFFY: Giles! I'm in the middle of a fight scene! Could you please be a little more concerned?!
GILES: You are the Layer! Go and patrol! Books are rather jolly good!
GUFFY: Remind me to write you as a character who *doesn't* take heed of Xander's advice.
(Suddenly JAR-JAR leaps at them, kicking GILES out of the way. He falls and bangs his head
on a shelf, knocking himself out cold.)
GUFFY: Giles! (She gets to her feet and starts to run back out of the stacks, into the main
library, closely followed by JAR-JAR. They both stop, a metre between them, facing each
other.)
GUFFY: (sheepishly) Look, uh, could you help me with my lines?
JAR-JAR: (pauses in thought) Why don't you say something witty and then stake me?
GUFFY: Cool idea! "Something witty!" (Hand-springing, she kicks JAR-JAR to the floor, pulls a
pencil from behind her ear and stabs it into JAR-JAR's stomach.)
JAR-JAR: If you insist on doing this, could you do it right?
GUFFY: Stressy, much?! (She reaches down, yanks the pencil back out and then plunges it into
JAR-JAR's chest.)
JAR-JAR: (in pain) Ow! My boob! (She gasps, and then bursts into ashes.)
GUFFY: (empathising) Ooh, sorry about the boob thing.
(The library doors open once more, revealing WILLOW, XANDER and BORE-DELIA.
XANDER is covered in hickeys...but not from the two girls.)
GUFFY: Hi guys! What'd Gay-ngel say?
WILLOW: He kinda has the hots for Xander.
GUFFY: (to XANDER) Thanks alot, boyo. When I re-write this script, you are gonna have
such a lame character!
WILLOW: Yeah!
GUFFY: One who never gets dates and stuff, OK? And Gay-ngel will be mine. Oh yes! He
*will* be mine.
XANDER: Has someone been watching 'Wayne's World' a little too much?
(GUFFY scowls over at XANDER.)
XANDER: What?!
WILLOW: Guffy, we have great news! Gosh Peed-on's brother, Josh Whedon is in town! He
can help you with your new script!
GUFFY: Hey, cool!
XANDER: What happened to that "I'm the Layer! Me! Me! Me!" you were doing earlier, huh?
Y'know, usually favoured by Bore-delia's, but dropping the Laying part.
BORE-DELIA: (angrily) Hey!
GUFFY: You're right. I shouldn't have said that...do you forgive me?
WILLOW: Course we do.
GUFFY: Cool! You know what? I think the new show should be about vampire slaying instead
of quagmire laying! At least I have a talent for that.
BORE-DELIA: (aside, quietly) Or her stunt double will.
GUFFY: I was kinda thinking I could change my name to Buffy, y'know?
BORE-DELIA: I dunno, I think your whiff-some name suits ya.
(Below on the ground, JAR-JAR's ashes swirl around, slowly forming a mouth shape. The lips
open and begin to speak.)
JAR-JAR'S ASHES: Could I change my name too? To something like Lara? Or, or Darla?
(XANDER kicks absently at the lip-shaped ashes, which tumble back to their sprinkled position
on the ground.)
XANDER: Can somebody get me a hoover?
WILLOW: Would you look at this?! We've all established our characters! What they would say,
what they'd do... so we can just improvise next time!!! (She beams brightly. The rest of the gang
nod, unsurely, as they back out of the library.
WILLOW: Hey! You guys! Wait up! Wait up! (She chases after them)
~ ~ * CREDITS ROLL *~ ~
So...was it good for you? If you found this amusing, or would just like to rant at me, send me some mail! Ta.
Xander's Butterfly (who fancies Oz as well.)
