Title: Letting Go
Time setting: This story begins where “Billy” left off in season three.
Summary: Fred helps Wesley release his guilt of hurting her.
Fred stopped half way down the hall when she heard crying come from Wesley’s apartment. She didn’t want to embarrass Wes by seeing him cry, but she also didn’t want to leave him alone that way. She decided to stay. She reached in her pocket, pulled out her cell phone, and called Cordelia. Cordy had offered to drive Fred to Wesley’s so she could check on him. The phone rang twice before she answered.
“Hello?”
“Cordy, it’s me. I’m gonna hang out here for a while. Can you pick me up later?”
“Sure. Is everything OK up there? How’s Wes?”
“He’s still down, so I’m gonna keep him company for a while.”
“OK. Just call me when you’re ready and I’ll come get you.”
“Thanks, Cordy. I’ll see you later. Bye.”
After returning the phone to her pocket, Fred knocked for the second time that night. No noise cam from the other side of the door. He hadn’t gone to sleep that fast. He was avoiding her now. This annoyed her a little. “Wesley. Open the door. We need to talk.”
She could hear him come over to the door, but it did not open.
“I said I would be there tomorrow. Just go away, Fred. Please, just go away.”
“Open the damn door, Wes. It irritates me having to talk to you this way.”
She then heard the chain slide off the door and drop. The door opened and there he stood looking as bad as he didn’t he first time. She walked past him without an invitation.
“What do you want now?”
“”I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at me. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I told you I was fine.”
“We both know that’s a lie. Wes, you look like hell. When was the last time you ate?’
“Does brandy count?” he said with a bitter laugh.
“No, it doesn’t. And that’s not funny.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Look. Why don’t you get a shower and I’ll make you something.”
He gave her the smallest nod and went into the bathroom. Two minutes later, the shower came on. By that time, Fred had already gone through Wesley’s cabinets finding nothing. She’d hoped to fix something hot, but settled on a turkey sandwich. It was obvious he hadn’t been to the market since before it happened. Fred had finished the sandwich and was pouring a glass of milk when she heard the water stop running. Wesley emerged with his hair still wet wearing jeans and a button down shirt.
“Hey. Do you feel any better?’ Fred asked.
“I would say yes, but we both know that would be a lie.”
“Here. Eat.” She handed him the plate and glass and he took them into the living room. Fred waited a moment to make sure he was eating before returning to the kitchen. Wes was taking his third bite when he heard the clanging of dishes. He got up and followed the noise. He found Fred loading his dishwasher.
“Stop doing that,” he said. He intended his voice to be stern, but it came out guilty and sad.
“Stop what? I just want o help you. What’s wrong with you?”
“Everything!” The volume of his voice shocked both of them, but Wesley couldn’t hold on any longer. “Everything’s wrong. I could have killed you and now you’re washing my dishes!?”
Fred started to talk but she was cut off. He looked as though he would cry again.
This time he spoke so softly Fred could barely make out what he was saying. “I don’t deserve to have you here. I don’t deserve to have you be so kind to me. It only makes me feel worse.”
“Dammit, Wes! Where do you get that stuff? What happened to you also happened to Gunn and God knows how many other people who that psycho infected. It wasn’t your fault. You are so determined to blame yourself and punish yourself. Why? I don’t understand. Why is it your fault?”
She didn’t know why, but Fred was fed up and she let him have it. She instantly regretted her tirade when Wesley collapsed into sobs on the kitchen floor. She threw her arms around him and just held him. She felt horrible. Why didn’t she just leave?
A few moments passed and Wes seemed to calm a little. Fed took her arms from around his neck and brought her hands to his face. She lifted his chin so he was forced to look at her. She looked in to his wet and reddened face and without thinking about it, she kissed him softly on the lips. Wesley responded to her and the kiss deepened. His hands began to explore her back as she ran her fingers through his still damp hair. When she moved to unbutton his shirt, he stopped her.
“Wait. What are we doing?”
“We’re gonna go to your room.” she stood up and offered her hand to help him up. He took it and they walked to his bedroom without another word.
***************************************
Later, they lay in his bed together. Fred snuggled up to his chest while he rested his arm around her. She laid quietly drawing invisible pictures across his chest as she ran his fingers through her long brown hair.
“Wes? Tell me about your folks.”
“I don’t’ want to talk about them.”
“I know, but I think it would be good for you if you did.”
Wes hesitated for a moment because he knew where she was going with this. He indulged her, nonetheless.
“Mum was great. I’m her only son. I was always perfect to her. She always supported me and encouraged me to find my own way.”
“And your dad?”
“He’s a well respected watcher, you now. He never thought I was good enough to be in their little club. No matter how many of his colleagues told him how well I was doing in training, I was never good enough. Then when Faith happened, I was an embarrassment. Later, when Buffy quit, I was stripped of my position. Sometimes I think he got satisfaction from my failures. He likes being right.”
“That’s horrible.”
“That’s father. Even now that I’ve joined Angel to continue the fight, he can’t find a way to be proud. He insists that fighting with a vampire is worse that doing nothing at all.”
Fred sat up and faced Wes. “ Do you believe that the work we do means something’.”
“Of course I do.”
“Then, pardon my French, but who gives a shit if your father doesn’t like it. From what I hear, all those watchers do is watch. They send some girl out to their dirty work for them. You’ve cut out the middle man. You’re right in the thick of it. Sorry to say, but your dad sound like an asshole.”
She looked at him for a moment. He just stared back at her.
“Were you expecting an argument?” he asked.
“If you agree, then why do you want his approval so badly?”
“He’s my father.”
“That not a good enough reason, babe. Listen. Begging your father for his approval is like begging him to turn purple. Don’t waste your life on someone who couldn’t care les about you or your feelings.”
At that moment he wanted to grab her and make love to her for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, a musical ring interrupted his impulse. It rang again and he recognized the tune as Fred’s favorite Dixie Chicks song.
“What time is it?” Fred asked.
“About 11:30.”
“Oh, shoot. Hold on a sec.”
She got up and ran to the living room stark naked. She came back with the cell and jumped back under the covers.
“Hey,” she mouthed ‘Cordy’ at him, “Sorry, I lost track of time. Don’t worry about it. Wesley can drive me back to the hotel. Yeah, it’s fine. Sorry for keeping you up for nothing. Okay, I’ll see you in the morning. Bye.”
“Cordy was coming back to get you?”
“Yeah. I was supposed to call her back and tell her when. Kinda got caught up.” She smiled at him.
“Did you want to go back to the hotel?”
“Yeah. Tomorrow.” She snuggled back into her original spot. “You can decide if you wanna take me back before they get there or make a grand entrance. Let me know in the morning. I’m exhausted.”
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