Christmas Comes Only Once a Year, And Thank God For That!
by The Brain
Disclaimer: Brain don't own. Brain talk in third person.
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Spike narrowed his eyes at the stereo that was blasting out the mother of torture, in other words Christmas music. His eyes drifted around the room finding it empty. Slowly he inched forward his fingers itching to turn the knob , labeled as the ‘Tuner'. He reached the glass doors of the entertainment center...
**RING**
Quickly Spike darted back to his abandoned seat on the lumpy sofa and attempted to look as inconspicuous as he could. Giles emerged from the kitchen in a cloud of flour, wearing an apron, he moved to open the door revealing Buffy with a haggard Willow in tow. "Hey Giles!" Buffy chirped, she walked in, practically dragging Willow with her. Buffy gave Spike a curt nod in greeting and turned back to Giles, "So... you said you needed help."
"Yes..." Giles interrupted, his voice strained, "Um, do you know how to cook?" Buffy gave him a *look*, "Well, I seem to have had some problems..."
"You almost burned the bloody kitchen down, Watcher!" Spike scoffed.
Giles' eyes shot daggers and a characteristic sneer of his alterego, Ripper towards the perpetually annoying vampire, in reply Spike raised an eyebrow slightly, visibly intriged. As quickly as this change developed, it disappeared and Spike's scarred eyebrow shot up higher.
"Yes--uh, what is your experience in the culinary arts, Buffy?"
"Huh? In the english language please."
"Do. You. Know. How. To. Cook." Giles was obviously on the end of his rope.
Buffy rolled her eyes at him, "I know a few things..."
Giles let out an anguished sigh, "Thank bloody heavens..." He took Buffy's arm which she brushed off quickly for fear he would get flour all over her designer dress. Giles huffed another sigh, doing quite a good impression of Angel. "Follow me, now what do you have in mind..." The kitchen door swung shut behind the two, muffling the words exchanged. Spike switched his attention from the swinging door to the red head, who during the conversation between Watcher and Slayer, had plopped down upon a brown beanbag. She stared ahead at the blank television screen, figiting and violently plucking lint off of her green sweater,it was bloody annoying.
"Luv?"
"*What.*" her voice was clipped and definately indicated that she was extreamly pissed off. Spike promptly shut his mouth disturbed by the undertones in her voice that promised immediate castration. Silence loomed over the two. "This music is fucking annoying."
Spike chuckled nervously, "That it is luv, go ahead and turn it off."
Willow threw open the glass doors and turned the stereo off, in record timing Giles peeked his head out of the kitchen door, "Spike, turn that back on you--" He stopped noticing that it was Willow who turned it off, "Willo---" He blanched at the glare she gave him, and he ducked into the kitchen, not wanting to become an eunuch.
Spike snorted barely controlling his laughter. "That was bloody terrific Red." He was about to continue but his senses finally registered the glare aimed his way, his jaw once again clicked shut. She stomped towards Giles' liquor cabinet and found a bottle of Whiskey. She unscrewed the cap and took a big gulp, her eyes watering as it made its way down her throat. Sneering at Spike she took another swig. "Uh, Pet?" She took another swig, "You okay?" he admonished He blinked and looked back at the redhead who was starting to show some signs of intoxication.
"What are *you* lookin' at?"
* * *
One hour later....
"So...yousa sayin' that you were in Enga-ah, Britain durin' tha Blitz?" Willow swayed as she looked at Spike disbelivingly. She took another swig at the bottle she held loosely by the neck, raising it to eyelevel she looked at him through the glass, also noting to herself that there was about an inch left of the booze. "Wazzit loud?" She giggled drunkenly when his body was distorted when she moved the bottle.
Spike paused in his retelling of his adventures during the Second World War, and looked strangely at the girl, he shook his head and reaching over he took the bottle from the inebriated human. She yelped and then tripped over her own feet when she scrambled to get her booze back. "Nope, ‘lil witch, that's enough for tonight..."
"Gimmie that back you--you meanie vampire you!" She tried to get the bottle back but Spike stood up and held it over his head, just out of reach. Her eyes started to water and she looked up into his face, "It's the only way for me to escape..." Big tears started falling rapidly, streaking over her face, she wiped them with her balled up fis---
"Whoa! WOAH! Stop the story!" The two figures froze and the story was put on pause. The author stomped out on to the set, critically observing the scene that was just written. "God! Always the same! I start with a silly and lite fic and it somehow turns into Angst Fest 99! GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!"
"Um, if I mean to intervene on your most holy rant, oh Great and Powerful Brain (cue triumphant trumpets)....uh, yeah." Spike timidly said to her, for she had the power to castrate him in her written scripture.
"*What*." The Brain snapped, she started pacing back and forth in front of the sofa, making both of the fictional characters feel like they were at a tennis match. "Well?"
"Um..." Spike looked panicked, "I forgot."
The Powerful Author Known as The Brain glared at the blond, her mental gears turning to plan the most effective way to maim him for his insolence when---
"Ahem." The three turned to see Giles framed in the doorway to the kitchen, behind him Buffy peeped over his shoulder clutching a stake, she was a good little girl scout, she's always prepared....Giles cleared his throat again when Brain got a little carried away in her anologys.
"Oh, sorry..."
"Right... well we're done with our cooking." He informed the group.
"I *was* getting kind of hungry..." The Brain mused, striking a thoughtful pose that would rival The Thinke---Giles cleared his throat. "Sorry."
"Well, what is it?" Willow asked, her drunkeness and foul mood had mysteriously disappeared(thank heavens for Plot HolesTM).
"Double chocolate cake." Buffy chirped, in The Brain's strange mind Buffy was starting to look like a bird.
"Wow, that sounds nutritional." Spike pointed out sarcastically.
"Shut up Mr. Clairol, if you wanna know, that's the only thing I know how to bake-cook-whatever!" Buffy huffed, her cheeks starting to redden. "Anyways it is required in the Challenge..." she added bashfully, looking down.
"Sound good, let's go!" The Brain said, faking excitement, she ran past Buffy and Giles into the kitchen to get the cake. A few seconds later a bloodcurdling scream came from the kitchen. The band of four raced into the kitchen to see what was wrong, what they saw made their blood run cold, except for Spike cause he's dead, his blood is already cold...uh where was I, oh yes! The sight was horrible, it was the stuff of nightmares for set upon the chocolate cake was a troll with pink hair and by the counter a passed out author was sprawled out on the linoleum.
All eyes turned to Buffy (except for hers, she doesn't have all the powers in the universe ya know), Buffy wilted under the intensity of the stares, "Well, I think their cute..."
The End!
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