I Think I'm Paranoid
by Terri Roberts
Don't own em' Don't sue me Joss! And yes the title comes from The song by Garbage.
Author's Notes: This takes place after the episode HOMECOMING.
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Oh, god! I'm a horrible person. I should be shot! God, how did life get so complicated? I mean you go from building blocks, to pop quiz, to horrible blood sucking monsters, and now this! But it can't be that bad right? I mean, it was a fluke. All we were doing was trying on clothes for the homecoming dance. Innocent enough. But then there's the clothes. Damn the clothes! It's all the clothes' fault! I mean there I was in a tux, and she was ...God she was gorgeous. I mean, I've never seen her look so beautiful. I mean, the dress hugged her body in all the right places and she looked so.....Okay STOP! Best friend. She's my best friend. Breathe, Breathe.
Well anyways, there she was, IN THAT DRESS, and she said she was afraid she couldn't dance. So I offered to show her how. And we were dancing and....everything just felt so right. Holding her, having her so close just felt right. She looked up at me with those big eyes and I forgot about everything else. And I kissed her.
I didn't mean to kiss her, er, I did mean to kiss her, but I didn't. ARRRGGGGHHHH! But then we agreed it was a fluke. But a few days later I thought maybe it wasn't. MAybe the perfect girl, the one I've been looking for all my short life, was right infront of my eyes. She's so smart and funny and beautiful and she's....She's Willow. I love her.....I'm just not sure what that means now.
I told her that I thought about her differently now. And then she said that I did the sweetest thing with my mouth when I fall to pieces..... But I have a girlfriend! Cordelia. Do I like her do I love her or do I just lust for her? I have absolutly no idea! Cordelia's beautiful and , well, beautiful and well she sorta grows on you....Oh, I just don't know what the hell I'm going to do!
I need to talk to someone or I'm gonna loose it! I would usually talk to Will. But now it's about Will, so who do I talk to now? Buffy! I could talk to Buffy. But hold it. What if I talk to Buffy and someone else finds out, and then someone else finds out, and then Cordelia finds out. She'd kill me! Another great realsization, I'm terrified of my girlfriend.
Maybe Will and I can just talk this through and figure out what to do. It's worth a shot right? Anyways if I sit here any long I think I'm gonna go crazy. I'll just go talk to her. Come on feet, start-a-walking. Put one foot infront of the other and soon I'll be walking out the door....and to my grave.....
* * *
What was I thinking!? Oh god! I'm a horrible person. How could I do what I've done. I mean, I didn't mean to do what I did, did I?
ARRRRRGGHH! I just want to crawl under a rock! I kissed another guy when I have the sweetest, most wonderful boyfriend in the entire world! And not only that! No, that would be getting off easy, now wouldn't it!? I kissed my best friend, whom I've been in love with since I was five, and whom just happens to have a girlfriend, who is sorta-kinda one of my friends.
Omigod! Okay, breathe, breathe. It was a fluke! It was the clothes. I mean, there we were trying on clothes for homecoming in my bedroom. A-ha! See that was my first mistake, we were changing TOGETHER in my bedroom! I mean, it was okay when we were, like ten, but we're seventeen! But then again, how was I suppose to know he was going to kiss me!? And that I was gonna kiss him back..... Anyways, getting back to the clothes. It's all the clothes' fault. I mean, he looked so good in that tux, with his hair combed back and his eyes kinda sparkling. And me. He said I was gorgeous. Gorgeous. God, I can't remember the number of times that I wanted him to look at me and tell me I was gorgeous...
We're getting off topic! Besides I was in that dress, we were dancing. I mean, I can't even remember how we got to dancing. Hold it, yeah I do. I told him I wasn't sure I could dance, and he offered to show me. And he took one of my hands in his own, and then he put his other hand on the small of my back. And...I dunno. There was this....feeling that just sorta eminated from that spot on my back and spread throughout my whole body. And then he looked at me with those eyes. And I couldn't think about anything....
Like OZ! Damnit! One look at Xander and I forget all about Oz!? What kind of a girlfriend am I? I mean....I love Oz. Or I thought I did.
A few days after Xander kissed me, I thought " I can make this work. It was one mistake. I can forget it. IT WAS A FLUKE!" But then Xander and I were talking in my bedrooom ( see the bedroom again! A BAD place!) and he said, " Now when I look at you, I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time." Gee, that helps! I mean, what am I suppose to do? I wish I could talk to Buffy, but if I tell her someone else will find out, and then someone else will find out, and then before you know it Oz and Cordelia find out and Oz hates me and Cordelia kills me!!! Oh, god.
I should talk to Xander. We could just agree that this was a fluke, cause it was, a fluke I mean. And then we could forget and go back to our respective signifigant others. I've gotta talk to him, but-
* * *
He knocked on her bedroom door. Her mother had sent him up, but he didn't want to be rude and just open the door. God, she could be changing for all he knew! He grinned slightly at the thought, but regained composure when she opened the door.
"Hi," she said simply and smiled.
"Um, hi," he managed in his very sauve, very not pathetic way.
* Great,* she thought, * Awkwardness. And my bedroom! Again my bedroom...we shouldn't be in my bedroom!*
"Come on in," she said.
Xander entered the bedroom. Across the room he saw the dress. He stared at it hesitantly as if it were a snake. * Damn clothes*, he thought.
Willow looked at him. " Xander," she said, " You okay?"
He looked over at her and smiled , " Yeah, fine."
"So...what's up," she asked.
"What do you mean? Nothing's up...I mean, what makes you think something's up?"
"Nothing, I just mean, what are ya doing here?"
"Good question....um..... I have no idea."
"Xander," she started wearily.
"No, Hold it. I know why I'm here. We need to, um, talk. Don't we?"
She sighed, " Yeah, I think we do."
Silence.
And more silence.
And even more silence.
She spoke, " I think talking would require one of us to be speaking."
He grinned, " Yeah, um, about the-"
"Clothes Fluke?" she offered.
"yeah, yeah. The- the clothes fluke.....I just wanted to say that-
"-it was a big mistake, you don't really think of me that way, and we should forget all about it"?
He looked at her after her long winded guess. " Is that what you think I think?"
She played with her fingers nervously and he looked away from her.
"That's what you hope I'm thinking, right? Because you really love Oz, and you don't want to ruin our friendship and that we'd be totally wrong for each other and you just never wanna think about it again, right?
"That's not what I think you're thinking....Is that what you're thinking because if that's what you're thinking...Oh screw it! Xander we need to talk about this like human beings, not jibbering idiots."
"You're right. So....what are you really thinking?"
She looked at him for a moment then fell backwards on her bed with a sigh. " I don't know."
Xander did the same as her, " Neither do I."
"It's just, why do things have to change," she asked, " I'm just scarred."
Xander looked over at her, " What are you scarred of Will?"
"That this is gonna be a big mess and that you'll hate me and Oz will hate me and....that Cordelia will kill me."
Xander laughed out load. " What's so funny," she asked.
He stopped laughing and turned to her. " No, it's just.....I had those exact same thoughts. Especially the Cordelia killing me part."
She smiled briefly and then sighed again. He noticed this and took her face in his hands.
"One thing I do know," he started to say, " is that I'll never hate you. You're my best bud. I love you, Will."
She smiled brightly this time and pulled herself up and into his arms and gave him a giant hug.
He closed his eyes and breathed in her scent. She smelled like apple shampoo and Doritos....a wonderful combination if you're Xander.
And then after a moment Willow pulled away from him suddenly.
"That was you!?" she asked.
"What!? What was me?"
"You were the one at my bedside in the hospital, not Oz. You were the one that said ' I love you'."
Xander remembered, " Yeah...that was...that was me."
Willow's eyes searched his face, " So was it a clothes fluke...or was it-"
"Something more?" he offered.
And then he moved closer and touched her lips with his own so lightly. Then he did so again, but harder this time. And she was kissing him back, her fingers playing absently with the hair on the back of his neck.
They laid down on the bed, kissing softly. Forgetting everything-
And then the phone rang.
And they sprang apart with a slight yelp. They looked at each other for a moment in confusion, then Willow picked up the phone.
"Hello," she siad in a weak voice.
"Hey, will," Buffy said from the other end.
Willow grinned, " It's Buffy! Yeah, it's Buffy! Hi Buffy!"
Xander grinned and nodded his head.
"Will," Buffy started, " You okay? Whose there with you?"
"Here? No one. No one at all, just Xander.And we weren't doing anything except playing a nice game of , um, chess. Boy I love chess!"
"Okay Will. What's up?"
Xander looked at Willow and mouthed the words " I'm gonna go" then he grabbed her hand and kissed it lightly.
Willow giggled a little and said, " Okay, bye."
"What," Buffy said on the other end of the phone.
"No, not you! I mean Xander. Our playing, chess! playing chess time is over and now he's going home.....where he belongs."
Buffy sighed, " Will?"
"Yeah?"
"Get some sleep hon."
Willow agreed she should and hung up.
Then she looked around her bedroom and muttered, " Bedroom's are bad places...very bad....fluke! Was it a fluke? Those damn clothes....."
Willow and Xander each went to bed that night realizing that they were getting nowhere and that they had both become completely and utterly paranoid. And you thought warding off demons was stressful?
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