Disclaimer: I own nothing involved in Buffyverse. I use any real person names with affection and only to serve the purpose of the Recap.
A/N: Sorry this took so long.
“I go online sometimes but everyone’s spelling is really bad. It’s depressing.”
- Tara, ep.15, ssn. 5
Buffy Season Five: Recap
We begin our season with BUFFY, spiritedly killing things.
AUDIENCE
She seems happy. That’s…rather disturbing.
CREATOR JOSS WHEDON
Now you can see why I prefer to keep my characters miserable.
GILES
Willow, I’m unneeded and have no life. I’m leaving town after this episode. Don’t tell anyone.
WILLOW
I won’t “tell”, but I’ll make it really obvious to anyone who cares to pay half-attention.
No one does.
DRACULA appears out of MIST.
DRACULA
Buffy enjoys killing things because her power is rooted in darkness.
DRACULA then turns into a bat and flies away.
AUDIENCE
Best character introduction EVER!
RILEY
I’m jealous because for some reason I think Buffy would prefer a mysterious, dark and cryptic vampire over me.
AUDIENCE
(glances up from writing “B/A 4-EVER” in their notebooks)
Oh, don’t be so paranoid Finn.
XANDER
I’m jealous too. Unlike Riley though, I’ll vent my frustration by eating bugs in service of the great master.
XANDER gets to be the EMISSARY of DRACULA, which just isn’t as cool as it sounds.
DRACULA
You cannot resist my dark and cryptic sexiness Buffy.
BUFFY
True enough.
BUFFY lets DRACULA bite her. It’s disturbing in a very watch-able way.
XANDER
I’m in a contest with Buffy to see who can be more blatantly obvious about being under the thrall of Dracula.
XANDER wins.
But BUFFY’S wearing a SCARF, so the SCOOBIES don’t really notice XANDER’S whole bug-eating thing.
Everyone goes to DRACULA’S CASTLE.
DRACULA
You should drink my blood Buffy. Because you’re dark. Dark dark dark.
BUFFY drinks DRAC’S blood.
AUDIENCE
Um…
BUFFY
Wait a second…I’m not dark!
BUFFY kills DRACULA a few times. Kind of fun.
XANDER
That does it! I’m done being comic relief!
AUDIENCE
(applauds)
You go Xander!
BUFFY
I need Giles to be my Watcher again so I can learn the true source of my superpowers. Cause, well, I might be a little dark.
GILES
I’ll stay for now, but I’ll have to leave at least twice next year to make up for it.
BUFFY goes home and has a LITTLE SISTER.
AUDIENCE
Wha…?
DAWN narrates an episode by whining in her journal.
DAWN
I am so tired of living under Buffy’s shadow.
AUDIENCE
We didn’t think you were. Living.
CRAZY MAN
Dawn is curds and whey.
AUDIENCE
That whole “little miss Muffet” analogy will never, ever make sense.
TARA
Dawn’s an outsider, like me. Only my issue is I’ve been on the show for a year and still have no personality.
GILES
Hey, I could run a magic shop. That would give us an even more public space to hold our secret Scooby meetings!
GILES sets to task owning “The Magic Box”.
HARMONY
I have minions now, cause I’m an evil vampire!
All are entertained by this.
DAWN
I’ve had a crush on Xander for years.
AUDIENCE
That seems unlikely.
ANYA
Say…I really like money.
So begins a life long affair.
DAWN invites HARMONY inside the house.
BUFFY
That was an idiotic thing to do.
Hearing this upsets DAWN so much she runs out into the night wearing brightly colored clothes.
AUDIENCE
How is it she survived the last five years? Assuming she existed. Which we’re almost certain she didn’t.
DAWN is KIDNAPPED, expectedly enough.
BUFFY slays TOM LENK and thus saves her.
XANDER
I should probably move out of my parents’ basement if I want to be taken seriously.
XANDER instantaneously finds a beautiful, furnished apartment.
XANDER
With my credit and unstable employment history there is no way anyone in their right mind would let me have this place.
Fortunately XANDER is split in two by a demon named TOTH. This has no effect on his credit history, but he gets a full-time job and the apartment out of it.
RILEY
I love Buffy. But she doesn’t love me. Quite the conundrum.
AUDIENCE
Don’t feel too bad Riley. It’s just that she can only love Angel, her true love, forever and ever. That’s all.
SPIKE
I’m obsessed with (killing) Buffy. Don’t really have much else to do.
GILES and XANDER build BUFFY an AWESOME new training space. RILEY’S TESTOSTERONE feels threatened.
JOYCE passes out.
This is a chance to meet MED INTERN BEN, set up an exciting new storyline for JOYCE, and learn RILEY has TACHYCARDIA.
GRAHAM
It’s because of when the Initiative was drugging its soldiers. They feel bad about it now.
RILEY
But if I’m not a superhero Buffy won’t want me!
BUFFY
Yes I will!
AUDIENCE
*tsk* She doesn’t mean that.
RILEY agrees to have his life saved, but then SPIKE kidnaps his doctor.
SPIKE
I really really really want the chip taken out of my head.
DOCTOR
Really really really not gonna happen.
BUFFY saves the DOCTOR, who saves RILEY, and SPIKE doesn’t die again.
SPIKE has a dream.
SPIKE
I’ve been obsessed with Buffy for the last three years because I’m actually in love with her. Who’da thunk it?
Answer: Every fan fic writer in the history of fan fic.
“The Magic Box” has its grand opening.
GILES
Being located near a gateway to hell is just the thing for the occult novelty shop!
JOYCE
My headaches keep getting worse. Wonder what that’s about.
BUFFY
Probably a demonic force trying to kill you.
The Slayer Perspective: Always exciting when it comes to common health ailments.
GLORY makes an excellent entrance. There’s monk-torture involved.
BUFFY meditates.
BUFFY
Say…I didn’t use to have a little sister.
AUDIENCE
We knew it!
BUFFY
What if she’s a demonic force sent to slowly kill my mom?
DAWN goes CREEPY.
GILES
Anya, you have no known income or place of residence. Come work for me, then at least it’ll be plausible you aren’t homeless.
ANYA
Not that the writers were thinking about that when they came up with this idea.
BUFFY encounters GLORY and jumps through a window with a MONK.
MONK
*dying*
Dawn is a key we transformed into your little sister so you would protect her with your life (hint) from Glory.
AUDIENCE
They actually explained a blatant inaccuracy! Oh, sweet relief.
Wait for it.
AUDIENCE
Um…If the key is energy that can be molded into any form, why not make it into a superpower capable of taking on Glory, or at least protecting itself? And maybe hide it somewhere that isn’t the exact place it can be used to destroy the world, while they’re at it.
It’s thoughts like these that are the reason the AUDIENCE will never have a TV show.
BUFFY tells GILES about the latest interesting development in her life.
GILES
Wow. That’s a really clever plot twist. Joss Whedon’s a genius. Seriously.
TARA
I still feel left out by the Scoobies.
AUDIENCE
Well, try having a thought, opinion or hobby that doesn’t involve
Willow in some way and see if things change.
INT. HOSPITAL
BEN
Look! Crazy people!
AUDIENCE
Yep.
BUFFY moves out of the dorms to better protect DAWN.
BUFFY
College is so last season anyway.
Meet TARA’S ICKY FAMILY.
ICKY FAMILY
Tara’s gonna turn into a demon. It’s what women in our family do. Don’t ask.
Several metaphors come into play.
In a pure WILLOW moment, TARA casts a spell that accidentally endangers everyone’s lives. Then she undoes it.
SCOOBIES adopt TARA. Demon thing turns out to be a strange and creative lie.
AUDIENCE
How is it Tara just carried an entire episode without developing at least some personality?
JOSS WHEDON
Some things are beyond even my powers.
A VAN HALEN WANNABE almost kills BUFFY.
BUFFY
Wha…?
RILEY proves useful for a scene.
BUFFY turns for help from the most attractive man available. (Hint: It isn’t RILEY.)
BUFFY
Spike, why do Slayers die?
SPIKE
I was a dandy, wannabe-poet loser when I was human.
AUDIENCE
Hee! Brilliant!
BUFFY
Okay…but that isn’t what I asked.
SPIKE
I was also vamped by Drusilla and rivals with Angel.
BUFFY
I knew tha-
AUDIENCE
Hush! He’s talking!
SPIKE
I got my scar by killing a slayer, and my coat by killing a comic-book super-hero.
BUFFY
Okay. And Slayers die because…?
SPIKE
(from an engrossing flashback)
They want to.
AUDIENCE
Wow.
BUFFY
I’ll never love you, or let you kill me, or whatever the hell this subtext is about.
SPIKE cries, officially winning himself FAN GIRLS.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
AUDIENCE
Best non-Joss written episode EVER!
JOSS WHEDON
Uh-huh. I can so top it.
JOYCE
Say, I might be dying.
AUDIENCE
Huh.
JOYCE gets a CAT scan. There is worry.
SPIKE steals BUFFY’S PANTIES.
RILEY
That’s just wrong.
SPIKE
Yeah, well Buffy doesn’t love you and she didn’t tell you her mom’s sick!
RILEY
It’s kind of a wonder I don’t kill you in this scene.
In a chilling portrayal of why ADVERTISING in the PHONE BOOK is WRONG, GLORY buys something at the MAGIC BOX.
JOYCE
Oh, and it turns out I have a brain tumor.
AUDIENCE
Really not certain what to make of this story-line.
JOSS WHEDON
Yeah. It’s probably nothing. Ignore it.
GLORY makes a KEY-FINDING SNAKE MONSTER.
RILEY
And why isn’t it sexy when I let a vampire bite me?
FAN FIC WRITERS
Maybe if it was a male vampire.
BUFFY kills the SNAKE MONSTER.
RILEY senses something might be going on he doesn’t know about.
A QUELLER DEMON crashes to EARTH from OUTER SPACE to eat the MENTALLY IMPAIRED.
AUDIENCE
So…is it a demon or a space alien? And if it’s a space alien, shouldn’t it be on a different show?
GILES
If it was a space alien it would look human and be friendly. Don’t you people watch Star Trek?
In a great character moment, BUFFY kills the SPACE DEMON.
BEN
Because I’m connected to Glory, I summoned the Queller demon to kill all the retarded people she’s somehow responsible for.
AUDIENCE
Say, you’re kind of a jerk.
MENTALLY IMPAIRED
Yes, yes he is.
JOYCE goes lucid.
JOYCE
Dawn isn’t really my daughter, is she?
BUFFY
You get less oblivious every year.
JOYCE
You have to protect her no matter what. It’s vitally important to the drama of the season.
JOYCE has BRAIN SURGERY. Comes out of it okay.
BUFFY
Happiest day of my life.
AUDIENCE
That’s kind of true.
RILEY skips out after his night with BUFFY. Intrepid stalker SPIKE follows.
SPIKE shows up in BUFFY’S ROOM in the middle of the night.
SPIKE
Come follow me to a vampire brothel.
BUFFY
Only because it sounds important.
BUFFY gets to learn something new about RILEY.
RILEY
Spike! I’m really really not actually going to kill you!
MILITARY
We want Riley to go far far away with us now.
AUDIENCE
This timing doesn’t seem contrived at all.
RILEY
Don’t you understand Buffy? The vampire whores made me feel needed.
BUFFY lacks empathy.
She burns down the BROTHEL and kills all the VAMPIRE WHORES.
AUDIENCE
Hey, she cares. That’s something.
XANDER
You should tell Riley not to leave with the military, Buffy. Because you love him.
BUFFY
By golly you’re right!
Timing is cruel to BUFFY. RILEY goes away FOREVER.
XANDER
And I am sincerely in love with Anya.
AUDIENCE
You’re kidding! Er, that’s sweet. Really.
GILES
You know who won’t actually help us defeat Glory? The Watcher’s Council! I’m off to England!
Everyone gets used to JOYCE being alive.
SPIKE humorously fails to confess his love to a mannequin.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
AUDIENCE
Yeah, but, disturbed.
WILLOW and ANYA continue to hate each other.
XANDER
I’m going away until you stop.
WILLOW and ANYA make an entertaining TROLL named OLAF. This does not impede their bickering.
BUFFY proves she has great range when it comes to crying.
AUDIENCE
Well she’s certainly had enough practice.
OLAF destroys the BRONZE.
AUDIENCE
Is it right for a light-hearted episode to feature bleeding disaster victims?
SPIKE
Yes.
OLAF
Anya’s my most irksome ex-girlfriend.
XANDER
Come again?
ANYA
At this moment I’d like to explain a key part of my character history in one small line, if I may.
WILLOW
Oh shut up.
ANYA
You’re going to hurt or steal Xander from me!
WILLOW
Am not! You are!
ANYA
Am not!
WILLOW
Oh.
And thus it was ANYA and WILLOW would continue to dislike each other, but without the open hostility.
OLAF shows up.
OLAF
Die feuding females!
XANDER
I’ll save you! For I have super-powers!
AUDIENCE
Huh?
OLAF smashes XANDER across the room with his GIGANTIC HAMMER OF THE GODS.
XANDER jumps back up.
OLAF smashes XANDER on the HEAD with said HAMMER and tosses him into a wall.
XANDER jumps back up.
OLAF smashes XANDER into a bookshelf.
XANDER is mildly winded.
AUDIENCE
Dude. He wasn’t kidding about not being comic relief.
OLAF breaks XANDER’S wrist. XANDER winces in a manly way.
BUFFY shows up.
BUFFY
Hey! I’m still the title character!
BUFFY defeats OLAF. He is sent away.
GILES
I’m back from England. Let’s discuss Dawn’s key-ness where she can over-hear.
DAWN
Um…is there something about me I should know?
GLORY
I have to suck out people’s brains or I’ll lose mine. Who knew?
Several members of the AUDIENCE raise their hands. They are smited.
The MAGIC SHOP has instantaneously recovered from OLAF’S visit.
WATCHER’S COUNCIL appears.
WATCHER’S COUNCIL
We’re shutting it down.
BUFFY
You guys haven’t changed a bit.
WATCHER’S COUNCIL
We have vital information about Glory that we’d like to use to make Buffy jump through pointless hoops. Because we’re sadistic.
AUDIENCE
And your alternative to telling Buffy is…?
BEN learns BUFFY is the SLAYER.
BEN
And here I am connected to her mortal enemy. Maybe she’ll go out with me.
AUDIENCE
Well that does make you her type.
WATCHER’S COUNCIL intimidates SCOOBIES. SPIKE just flirts with them.
WATCHER’S COUNCIL
Squee!
GLORY
Ha! I could kill everyone you care about Buffy! It’s a little unexplainable why I haven’t yet and don’t now, but it’s still a darn good threat.
This gives JOYCE and SPIKE a chance to BOND over “PASSIONS”.
An OBSCURE MEDIEVAL CULT attacks BUFFY.
KNIGHTS OF BYZANTIUM
We’re like ants. Freaky, freaky ants bent on killing your sister.
BUFFY
Brilliant.
(to COUNCIL)
I’m a strong and powerful woman. Stop being jerks.
WATCHER’S COUNCIL
Yeah, well, Glory’s a god.
GILES
And she’s insane. She sucks out human brains and is less powerful in human form. Now we finally know everything the audience knows.
SCOOBIES
What about that key thing Glory’s looking for?
BUFFY
About that...Ever wonder if my little sister is actually an ancient mystical object capable of destroying the world which we had no concept of until a few months ago? Cause she is.
SCOOBIES act WIGGY around DAWN.
DAWN
If you’re gonna be that obvious about it why not just tell me?
DAWN and SPIKE break into the MAGIC BOX.
SPIKE
So, turns out you’re a key.
DAWN reacts with BLOOD and FIRE then runs away to the HOSPITAL.
AUDIENCE
Fourteen is always such a dramatic age.
BEN
I’m probably the worst person on the face of the planet to
come to with this particular problem.
BEN FREAKING TURNS INTO GLORY.
DAWN
I have no memory of that.
AUDIENCE
Really? It kind of left an impression on us.
BUFFY
Dawn’s blood is exactly like mine. Remember that.
AUDIENCE
Can your blood destroy the world too?
BRONZE reopens after taking a decent amount of time to recover from OLAF.
DAWN
So Buffy, Spike’s had this major crush on you like all season. And wow am I naïve about vampires.
BUFFY
Nothing you just said has made me happy.
SPIKE
But I’m actually better than Ben. Really.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
DRUSILLA shows up.
DRUSILLA
Come be evil with me.
SPIKE
How?
DRUSILLA shows SPIKE how.
AUDIENCE
Whoa…
BUFFY has a truly creepy revelation in the basement of SPIKE’S CRYPT.
SPIKE
It gets better.
SPIKE chains DRU and BUFFY up.
SPIKE
I’ll kill Drusilla to prove my love to you Buffy.
BUFFY
It might be smarter of me to encourage that plan.
SPIKE
The alternative is love me or die.
AUDIENCE
It’s kind of amazing half of us have an unrepentant crush on this guy.
SPIKE
Only half?
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
HARMONY shows up.
HARMONY
I’ve been your girlfriend for almost two years you jerk! How come you aren’t threatening to kill me?
SPIKE
I do every day.
SPIKE saves BUFFY from DRUSILLA, effectively ruining his relationships with both. HARMONY backs away.
BUFFY
Now that Spike wants to date me I’ll de-invite him into my house. It just wasn’t a priority for the last three years when we were mortal enemies.
APRIL
Hello, I’m a robot here to serve as a timely metaphor. Have you seen Warren?
WARREN
I probably could have made a lot of money selling this invention to the public.
BUFFY decides to date BEN.
AUDIENCE
Dude, he killed like twelve disabled people. And that’s not even the bad part. Seriously, you could do better.
JOYCE
I have my first date since my own creepy robot in the second season. I’m happy and oh so very very alive.
APRIL helps BUFFY realize she doesn’t really want to date anyone just now. GLORY feels rejected.
SPIKE orders WARREN to build him a BUFFYBOT.
SPIKE
Since I’m starting to think maybe I don’t actually have a chance with the real Buffy.
AUDIENCE
What a sweet, fun ep…what’s wrong with Joyce?
BUFFY finds her mom dead on the couch.
This turns out to be the only un-parody-able episode of the entire series.
JOSS WHEDON
Uh-huh, I’m good.
AUDIENCE
*quiet sobbing*
BUFFY takes over all the fun things involved in burying one’s mother.
ANGEL
For the first time ever I’m here to be supportive and not for
ratings. Go me!
DAWN
There’s this great horror story called “Monkey’s Paw”. It’s even better on-screen.
It turns out no one really wants ZOMBIE-JOYCE.
BEN
I totally blabbed to this Glory-minion that the key is in human form, and then completely failed to kill it. My bad.
AUDIENCE
You aren’t so much a likable character, are you?
BUFFY
I’m worried I can’t adequately express my affection for others and that all my friends will die not knowing I love them.
GILES
Well if you meditate in the desert a spirit will come and give you an obscure message that’ll upset you. Past slayers have found this comforting.
BUFFY
Sounds good.
SPIKE
I’ll be having sex with the Buffybot now. You might say I’m different from most teen heartthrobs.
FAN GIRLS
*quiet contemplation*
BUFFYBOT
I’m more humorous than all the other robots on this show combined!
All this leads to GLORY torturing SPIKE.
SCOOBIES
Odds ten to one Spike tells her that Dawn’s the Key.
BUFFY
If that’s true we have to leave town NOW!
AUDIENCE
If you’re so sure, why risk it? Just leave town. In fact, why wait around at all? It’s not like you can beat Glory if you stay.
JOSS WHEDON
Your logic has no place on this show.
BUFFYBOT dies.
SPIKE
And I absolutely withstood torture for the sake of Buffy!
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
BUFFY
You managed to do the one thing that could possibly balance out the Buffybot. Guess I still won’t kill you.
BUFFY drops out of COLLEGE.
BUFFY
I’m giving up my future so I can protect Dawn full time, what with mom dead and all. Wow, my life sucks.
BEN
Mine does too. I got fired from the hospital for perpetually turning into an insane hell-god and consequently not showing up to work.
AUDIENCE
Consider it your punishment for not sacrificing yourself for the good of the world already.
ANYA
Capitalism good. French bad. I’ve given this some thought.
AUDIENCE
She’s like a precognitive Republican.
DAWN
I’ve been skipping classes since mom died. Consider this a prequel to the whining rebellion that will be known as “The Sixth Season”.
BUFFY
So now I have to be a parent too. Stress.
BUFFY makes a lousy parent.
AUDIENCE
Learning should be fun. Really. There’s like 2,300 years of research on this.
TARA
Willow, let’s invent an unnecessary fight about nothing.
WILLOW
How dare you be afraid I’ll stop loving you!
WILLOW storms away.
BUFFY
Dawn, if you don’t do well in school authorities will take you away.
DAWN
You so should have told me that way before now.
AUDIENCE
What’s with the freaky wires in the background?
Unexplained wires crawl down the dining room wall. Am I the only one who notices?
GLORY sucks out TARA’S brain.
AUDIENCE
No one deserves that, no matter how boring they are.
WILLOW
And it happened after our first ever fight. What are the chances?
WILLOW vows to care for TARA forever.
AUDIENCE
That’s heartbreakingly sweet.
WILLOW
So’s my revenge.
WILLOW does great revenge.
It doesn’t really do much to GLORY, but it does wreck her apartment.
GLORY
Like I care about material things.
AUDIENCE
We kind of thought you did.
BUFFY
Time to run away!
TARA
Dawn’s a pretty shiny green key. I didn’t notice until Glory showed up.
BUFFY
And we’ll just keep running.
SPIKE
With me in my Winnebago!
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
SCOOBIES
This is a strange plan.
BUFFY
There is no alternative.
AUDIENCE
Of course, you could have moved away with Dawn as soon as you found out what she was and before Glory knew you had the key. Maybe avoided this whole mess.
BUFFY
*low threatening voice*
Stop. Saying. That.
KNIGHTS OF BYZANTIUM
We’re baaack!
Really amazing fight between a WINNEBAGO and some HORSES ensues.
BUFFY kills like a dozen HUMANS. This is not an issue.
GILES is badly WOUNDED. WINNEBAGO crashes.
AUDIENCE
It was a good ride while it lasted.
SCOOBIES hide in a SHED. KNIGHTS wait outside per WILLOW.
BUFFY
We need to call Ben in for Giles.
AUDIENCE
It’s amazing how bad the smartest ideas can be.
BEN
(with absolutely no sense of irony)
I’m here to help.
KNIGHTS OF BYZANTIUM
Here, there’s some exposition you folks still need. Have a prisoner.
PRISONER KNIGHT
Glory was so evil hell kicked her out and trapped her in a human boy’s body. She’s going to use the key to break down all the walls between dimensions, effectively unleashing hell on Earth so that she can go home.
BEN
This feels like the time to pull out my one and only party trick.
BEN turns into GLORY, runs off with DAWN and slaughters all the KNIGHTS.
BUFFY goes COMATOSE in response.
SPIKE
Should we do something about knowing Ben is Glory?
SCOOBIES
Not if we can’t remember. Now the seven of us will drive back to town in Ben’s 4-door, with three of us incapacitated. Don’t ask.
WILLOW
I’m going into Buffy’s mind to bring her out of her coma.
AUDIENCE
Willow: always there when you need her, no matter what.
WILLOW and BUFFY do a MIND-MELD that officially puts STAR TREK to SHAME.
People start remembering BEN is GLORY.
GLORY MINION
It’s because of the portal opening or something. The division between Ben and Glory is starting to break down.
BEN AND GLORY
This sucks.
SPIKE and XANDER go to the friendly and likable old guy named DOC.
SPIKE
Can you help us stop Glory?
DOC
Maybe if I wasn’t an evil demon with tongue.
AUDIENCE
Freaky.
XANDER ineffectively kills DOC. SPIKE gets a purportedly important BOX that will never be referred to again.
GLORY
Ben, help me with the ritual and I’ll make you immortal.
BEN
I feel sort of bad about this, but okay.
AUDIENCE
Kill…your…self!
BUFFY
The spirit-guide told me death is my gift. I’m guessing this means I have to kill Dawn. I kind of went into this coma so I wouldn’t have to, and so I could give up.
WILLOW
If you come out of your coma Dawn won’t necessarily die.
BUFFY comes out of her COMA.
GILES
Buffy, you have to kill Dawn if the ritual starts.
AUDIENCE
Oo, bad timing to find that out.
BUFFY
If the ritual starts, we all die and the world ends. No one kills Dawn. I will kill anyone who tries.
AUDIENCE
She’s just testy because her mom died. And she doesn’t want to murder her sister. And she just had a coma about it. So, um, she’s probably not bluffing.
XANDER
What if we killed Ben? Wouldn’t that kind of solve our problem?
AUDIENCE
YES.
XANDER
Oh, wait, he’s human. That would be immoral.
AUDIENCE
More so than killing the Knights of Byzantium?
ANYA
Olaf’s hammer that didn’t even hurt Xander might be enough to hold off Glory.
SCOOBIES
You’re right!
XANDER and ANYA share a quiet moment in the BASEMENT.
XANDER
Marry me Anya.
ANYA
On the condition we don’t die first.
WILLOW
I may have figured out a way to take Tara’s mind back from Glory.
AUDIENCE
Note to self: Date Willow.
BUFFY re-invites SPIKE into her HOUSE.
BUFFY
Well who can resist those puppy eyes? I mean really.
AUDIENCE
Or cheekbones, or muscles, or body, or…
SPIKE
Told you it wasn’t half.
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
TARA
Glory’s brain-suck made me into a great hound dog, though I was still happier before it.
TARA leads SCOOBIES to a GIANT TOWER built by the GLORY MINIONS. DAWN is tied to the top in a FAE WRAY impression (only without the creepy sex appeal).
WILLOW takes TARA’S BRAIN back from GLORY.
It looks just about as cool as something described by the above sentence can.
BUFFY
Time for Glory and I to have an epic end-of-the-season fight!
BUFFYBOT lives! We find this out when GLORY punches off her head.
BUFFY
Weird that the shot of Buffybot will be used in next season’s opening credits.
AUDIENCE
Weirder that the First will be used in the seventh season’s.
BUFFY and GLORY continue EPIC FIGHTING.
XANDER makes being an architect into a superpower.
DOC visits DAWN.
DOC
I would make a great character in a horror movie.
SPIKE
I’m saving Dawn! This is the most important moment of my entire existence!
FAN GIRLS
Squee!
DOC throws SPIKE off of the TOWER.
AUDIENCE
Well so much for that.
BUFFY beats GLORY into BEN.
BUFFY
Ben, you and I never would have worked out.
BEN
You’re probably right. I’ll leave town forever like your other boyfriends.
GILES
I’m here to quietly kill you.
GILES kills BEN.
AUDIENCE
Creepy good job.
DOC cuts DAWN.
BUFFY makes it to the top of the TOWER.
BUFFY
The way I killed Doc in one second flat kind of makes Spike’s moment even more pathetic.
FAN GIRLS
*sob*
DAWN’S BLOOD starts to destroy the world. Lots of monsters are unleashed. SUNNYDALE is seriously WRECKED.
DAWN
I have to kill myself to save the world!
BUFFY
No, I’m having flashbacks. You don’t have to die if I do.
AUDIENCE
This is stunningly beautiful. Though it doesn’t actually make sense. And really, is it fair to trade a slayer for a whiny teen?
Nonetheless, BUFFY does a really impressive swan dive into DEATH.
World stops ending.
BUFFY lays DEAD. EVERYONE cries.
AUDIENCE
This makes a spectacular series finale.
JOSS WHEDON
No, no, I have this great plan for next year where nothing happens!
And that is the danger when geniuses go wild.
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