He looks at me with such shock and sheer relief as I cut the ropes holding his arms in place above his head. He seems almost uncertain that it’s really me before him until I wrap my arm around his waist, holding him up. He sighs, bowing his head as if finally understanding that the ordeal is over and that I’m taking him home. He throws one arm over my shoulder for support and begins to cry as we slowly make our way out of the cave. I’m not sure whether he’s crying from relief, or sadness that I’ve saved him and not left him to die.
We finally get to my doorstep and I inwardly chuckle upon hearing all the noise coming from the house, Spike however seems confused. We wander into the house and I explain to him that the extras are potential slayers here to help with the ‘Big Bad.’ He nods his understanding, as Xander makes his way into the hall to greet us.
“See you found him in one piece.” Xander quips, obviously disappointed. Spike bows his head resentfully.
“He’s in pretty bad shape, I’m going to bandage him up and put him to bed.” I tell him.
“Bed? In case you haven’t noticed Buffy, there’s barely enough room in this place for you. Why don’t you take him back to my place?”
“Because I don’t want to leave him alone.” I explain. Xander looks Spike up and down, evaluating whether or not to leave him alone with me, upon realising that Spike is incapable of trying anything, he shakes his head at me then returns to the lounge room.
I lead Spike to the door of my room, and then run off to fetch some cream and bandages. When I return, Spike is sitting on the chair in my room, looking rather stiff and uncomfortable.
“What are you doing Spike? Get on the bed.” Spike looks at me quizzically before doing as he’s told and laying down the side he used to take whenever he stayed the night. I lay down gently next to him, careful not to make the bed move too much to cause him extra pain, then I begin to wash away the blood and dirt on Spike’s chest. He closes his eyes and winces at the sting the water causes being placed on open wounds, then manages to relax after he gets used to the pain.
“These cuts are pretty deep Spike.”
“They’ll mend.” He says nonchalantly, as if that’s the last thing in the world to concern him. As I apply the antiseptic cream to his wounds I notice his light shaking.
“Are you cold?” I ask him, pulling the blankets higher around him.
“No. I think…I think I’ve just been without my usual cigarette for too long is all.” He says. I lift myself up from the bed and walk over to my dresser where a packet of cigarettes lay in the top draw. I take one out of the pack then take it over to him.
“What…?” he begins before a look of realisation comes over him. I reach into his jeans pocket to retrieve his lighter for him as I replay in my mind that night last year…
Spike and I lay in bed after a night of our usual…routine when Spike begins searching all of the pockets in his discarded clothes.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m outta cigarettes!” he exclaims.
“So? Buy some more tomorrow.” I tell him.
“That’s not the point love, you know I need a cigarette after sex. I can’t sleep otherwise!”
“That’s not my problem.” I tell him, amused.
“Actually it is.” He says, pulling me on top of him. “Because if I ain’t sleeping, I ain’t gonna be staring at the ceiling.” He smirks as he starts kissing me once again.
The very next day he stopped by and put a pack in my drawer so that he’d never be caught out again.
“Thank god for small favours.” Spike sighs as I light it for him. He puffs away on his cigarette as I gently apply the antiseptic cream to the rest of his wounds. When I’m done, I go into the bathroom and retrieve a wet washer to put over his forehead to keep him cool. I lie down next to Spike and watch him as he struggles to stay awake.
“You should sleep Spike. I’m sure it’s been a while.” I tell him.
“A great while.” He agrees, as he sighs and picks himself up off the bed.
“Where are you going?” I ask him curiously.
“I’ll take the chair love.” He tells me, “I won’t deprive you of your bed, The Slayer needs her sleep too.” I can’t help but smile at his consideration, especially given that I’d never even considered sharing the bed as a problem, given we’ve done it so often before.
“That’s alright Spike, there’s enough room on the bed for two.”
“No…”
“I trust you Spike.” I reassure him, our history obviously of concern. He smiles gently, giving me his silent thanks as he comes back to the bed and gently lies himself down, careful not to lay too close to me.
“I’m just going to go get changed.” I say, “You try and go to sleep.” He nods as I pick up my nightclothes and take them into the bathroom to get changed. While sharing a bed with Spike I may deem acceptable, even though he’s seen me bare before, changing in front of him is certainly not an option.
When I come back out of the bathroom, Spike is still laying as I’d left him, on his back, eyes staring at the ceiling.
“You had it painted?” he asks.
“Yeah…only a shade different. Surprised you noticed.” I reply, taking my place beside him. I lay on my side so that I can look at him.
“I spent many a night staring up at this ceiling to forget. I’d lay and watch you sleep, but after long you’d always turn to the other side so I couldn’t see your face. That’s when I’d gaze up at the ceiling, just staring for hours.” He explains solemnly.
“I never knew you stayed. You were always gone by morning.”
“I wanted to beat you to it.” he laughs, remembering all the times I’d made my hasty exit after we’d made love.
“How are you feeling?” I ask, removing the washer from his forehead and putting it over on the nightstand.
“A little worse for wear, but at least I’m not going crazy and eating people.”
“And hopefully they’re done with you on that note, but if not, and you do see something or hear something, talk to me about it before you go out obeying their every whim.”
“It’s bad isn’t it Buffy? This thing.”
“Hey, we’ve beaten such things before.”
“Yeah…but never have we had every slayer in training and his dog sent to us.”
“I know…and right now it just feels like babysitting.” I laugh to myself.
“You never answered me Buffy…”
“We beat a Hell God didn’t we?”
“No we didn’t. We…you…”
“It’ll all work out.”
“I just can’t…I can’t watch you die again Buffy.” He’s almost sobbing at the very idea.
“With any luck, you won’t need to.” I tell him, gently caressing his face with my fingertips. He turns his head abruptly and gently pushes my hand away from him.
“Why did you save me Buffy?”
“Did you doubt I would?”
“No. But I still want to know why. Why couldn’t you leave me to die?”
“I’d never leave you…is…is that what you wanted?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I just can’t do it anymore is all. It’s hard…much harder than I thought. I always hated what I was when I was human, couldn’t stand myself, and now I’m back in that place…but the pain…it’s much more.”
“It’ll get easier Spike, I promise.”
“God I hope so. But Buffy, if I do go out killing again, don’t you worry, just kill me okay.”
“No Spike…”
“Buffy!”
“But it’s not you, it’s whatever’s in control of you.”
“I’ve killed without them Buffy. Just please, if it happens again, kill me.” I nod my head solemnly, hoping he’ll take my word and go to sleep.
“You’re lying.” He smiles after a moment. I can’t help but smile too.
“Well…yeah.”
“You’re a righteous one Slayer.” He tells me before turning onto his side and shutting his eyes, ready to finally get some rest. I slide myself up so that I’m resting against his back and I wrap my arms around him gently. He flinches for a moment, surprised by the touch, but then he takes my hands in mine and intertwines our fingers as he hold my hands close to his heart and slowly he drifts off to a deep sleep.
