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WILLOW'S POV
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This is of the bad. That's what Oz would say if he was here. Then again, if he was here it wouldn't be of the bad. It would be of the good. And I'd be all happy and glowy like I am whenever he's around and...Oz is supposed to stop me when I do that. Without him here I'm left to babble incessantly with no one to stop me. I think I'm going through withdrawl.
He's been gone for six days now and I'm barely holding up. It hurts to breathe. There's an empty feeling inside me that I can't explain. I've seen this sort of thing on t.v. and on movies where someone's significant other leaves. But I never could've imagined that it hurt this much.
Buffy's always here for me, and she's doing the best she can, but it's no use. She can't bring him back. In fact, everyone's been extra nice to me since he left. They excuse me from researching, give me the best seat on Giles' couch when we go over and they've been extra-sensitive to my feelings. It means alot, the stuff they do. I don't know what I'd do without them.
Does he even want to come back? I wish there was some way that I could tell him that he's forgiven and that I love him. What he did with Veruca killed me inside- more than anyone will ever know. But it's not like we couldn't have worked it out and gotten through it together.
I brush away a tear that's threatening to fall. From my sprawled out position on my bed, I manage to twist my arm up and turn on the radio. Maybe some music will help calm me down. Soft strains of Michelle Branch's "Goodybe to You" float out through the speakers.
I've heard this song before and I know what's coming. It's a good song and is played on this station practically every day. But since Oz left this song has taken on a new meaning. Yet I sit here, bracing myself instead of turning off the radio. It's almost sick how lazy I've become since he's been gone. The piano notes that once sounded beautiful to me, now are laced with sorrow and regret. Then the words came.
*Of all the things I believed in
I just wanna get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes, but I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by*
I sniffle and consider turning off the radio, but something is keeping me completely still.
*I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend*
I close my eyes and concentrate on the music.
*And I said goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to*
There were more deep guitar strums. At this point I'm closing my eyes just to keep the tears from falling.
*I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase the thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light, but it's not right*
I desperately clutch my pillow, squeezing it with all my strength. But it's not as if I squeeze the stuffing out of it, it'll make him come home. I just need something to anchor myself on right now.
*Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to*
I tried to hold on...but I couldn't
*And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you and I'm not giving in this time*
I wipe at my eyes in an attempt to get them dry. It's not working. I won't give in. I *can't*.
*Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...*
I glance miserably out the window with a tiny glimmer of hope inside me that his once-zebra-striped-now-blue van might be there.
*The one thing that I tried to hold on to*
But it's not.
*Oh, the one thing that I tried to hold on to...*
I'm sobbing now, trying frantically to get air into my lungs, but only succeeding in choking on the tears that are falling in a rhythm down my face.
*And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You're my shooting star*
I let it all go. Why not?
I have no one to stop me.
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Wow. That was more of how *I* felt when Oz left...Well, I'm going...away...to be...depressed....But reviews would make me feel better. Anyone? Please?
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