thought
Xander. Not only had he lost his sight, he had lost the woman he loved
and had to live with the guilt of what he thought he did, even though it
was Angelus. Xander sat down on the couch, his knees shaking. He didn't
want to think about it right now, it was too hard. But the thoughts
came, quickly and intensely. All he could see was the look on Giles'
face at Miss Calendar's, Yanna's funeral. All he heard was Willow's
screams when she discovered the outcome of the brawl between the
werewolf and the vampire. Oz had saved her. Xander remembered the pain
Willow felt, he felt the same type of pain when Buffy had fallen into her
coma. The worst thought of all of these was the look on Buffy's face
that never changed. Knowing that whatever Angelus had done, to him, that
had been to worst. Xander laid his head in his hands and took a few deep
breaths.
"Xander?" came Angel's voice. Xander looked up and saw Angel standing in
the kitchen doorway. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," he tried to convince Angel. It didn't work, Xander's voice just
kept cracking.
"Are you thinking about me again?" asked Angel.
Xander and Angel had only been friends for three years, but they opened
up to each other like they could to no one else. Angel knew how sad
Xander felt about his friends and their demise. Xander knew how Angel
felt guilty for everything that had happened. Xander often believed that
the now 246-year-old ex-vampire thought about suicide, but he would never
admit up to it. He tried to reassure Angel the only way he knew how.
"No, Angel, I'm thinking about Angelus. That wasn't you."
Angel gave him a bitter smile and awkwardly moved to the recliner chair
across from Xander. Once he was settled down, he turned to face where he
thought Xander was. "Xander, we've had this discussion before. It was
my fault. I agreed to become a vampire, therefore inviting the vampire
in."
"Angel, you need to get past this guilt. You won't be any help to Buffy
if you don't."
Angel's face brightened at his thoughts and love for Buffy, then darken
when he remembered who had put her in the Sunnydale Mental Clinic. "How
is she?" he questioned.
Xander raked his hand through his hair, wishing he could give him better
news. "No change, Angel."
Angel let out his breath he had been holding in expectation and hope. It
was getting so hard just to sit in the apartment every time Xander went
to visit her and listen to how there was no change. If only he could go .
. .
"Angel, man," said Xander, "I think we should bring your daughter to live
with us. I'll help take care of her. She wants her family."
"She wants her mother."
"You're her father."
"Would you want me for a father," said Angel, intensely. "I was a
vampire for over two-hundred years. I ran around Europe killing people
for no reason. I even reverted here, and the only reason I didn't kill
Buffy was because she was pregnant, and I KNEW the child was mine."
"I know," said Xander, but Angel went on, taking no notice.
"I never knew I could have kids. Not once did anyone tell me that the
slayer was the only one vampire could have kids with, something about
power and stuff like that. I mean, how many vampires actually even
kissed a slayer much less . . ."
Angel was silent for a minute, thinking to himself. He knew that the
pregnancy had been unexpected by everyone. Discovering that vampires and
slayers could have children together was a shock. Vampires couldn't have
children with humans or with other vampires, but when it came to slayers,
there was an exception. Xander looked at Angel, and saw him starting to
cry. He felt pity for him, and walked over laying his hand on Angel's
shoulder.
Angel cried for a few minutes, and then sternly wiped his eyes with his
sleeve. He slowly stood up, grabbing Xander's arm to make sure that he
didn't fall over. He made his way to his bedroom, slowly walking and
taping the cane as he went.
Xander shook his head. Angel was definitely in one of his brooding moods
that he had such good practice at. An attitude of eighty years takes
awhile to change.
. . .
Buffy, encouraged by Xander's words and speech, began to resurface. The
person everyone used to know as Buffy, began to fight back. As Buffy
began to fight against the body that had kept her prisoner for over five
years, doubts began to assail her. Did she really want to return from
this place? Here she had no worries and no pain, she didn't need to
fight against her feelings, she didn't have to remember.
As Buffy began to fight, one by one she had to face the pain, and hate,
and the fear. The guilt and pain of knowing what had happened to the
people closest to her, the regret at falling away from her daughter, the
fear of returning and facing Angel. That was what had made her leave the
world of the living in the first place, to keep from facing the pain.
But before she could face the pain of maybe returning to a live and human
Angel, she had to work through all of the pain that Angelus had caused
her and the guilt that she carried. But she would fight . . . she would
fight hard.
. . .
Willow held back the tears as she laid the flowers on the grave. Today,
Oz would have turned twenty-four. He had such a good life ahead of him,
once you overlooked the werewolf problem. She slowly stood up to head
back to the car where Jeff was waiting for her. Sure, she didn't have
the same feelings she had for Oz while they were dating. But he was her
first and only real boyfriend besides Jeff, and he saved her life.
Willow let out a quick sob and then held the rest back that quickly
wanted to follow. She remembered the scene in every detail, the screams,
the blood... oh, God, the blood that came as Angelus drunk every bit of life
left out of Oz. Even as a werewolf, his blood was found tasty by the
vampire. She remembered the triumphant look on Angelus' face as the body
of Oz was dropped to the ground in the filthy alley. If Buffy hadn't
shown up when she did, if she hadn't been pregnant, Angelus would have
killed her. Five months later, Buffy fell to her coma, and Willow
wondered if she would ever feel whole again. Escaping to college to get
away, Angelus backed off of Buffy's friends, no longer seeing a reason to
torment them, or maybe just no longer caring. With in a period of nine
months, from the time Angel reverted, she lost her computer teacher, Oz
and then Buffy. Even though physically Xander was still there, in her
mind, she lost him too. Her love for him disappeared soon after Oz's
death. Giles was worse off then any of them. He felt all of this on his
head.
It was no wonder that when the school packed up Miss Calendar's things,
they were all given to Giles. Jenny had no relatives or other friends
nearby. But, poor Giles, he hadn't been able to go through it, and until
2001, just three years ago, it sat in a dark corner of the library.
Giles didn't want to see it, it reminded him of the guilt that he carried
until the day he and Mrs. Summers were married. Willow went through it
on a break from college. When Willow had found the disk, that had been
the hardest decision she had to make. With Giles' help, they turned
Angelus back to the good side. She would never understand how Giles'
could agree to her request, maybe because they hoped it would bring Buffy
back to the land of the living, who knows.
Of course, it was easier to say you forgive someone then to actually do
it. Angel asked her time and time again if she forgave him, and she
always gave him the same answer. But in her heart, she had been lying.
I wasn't until the car accident when he lost his sight that she realized
he had lost almost as much as the rest of them. That was when Willow was
finally able to drop her past quarrels with him and move on. He had
become her trusted friend.
By the time Willow returned to the car, she was crying hard. Jeff just
walked up to her and held her tightly till she stopped. He was always
there to support her through everything, even when he knew about her
past. 'Buffy,' thought Willow, 'will you ever return to us?'
. . .
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