Chapter Ten
A strange calm settled over me as we drove towards Buffy. Everything seemed
magnified, but far away at the same time, like every detail was perfectly
clear and on the other side of a piece of glass. I felt focused, like I could
actually do this, that I could get the Cremo’s attention away from Buffy
and onto me and maybe even not die doing it.
Then I saw the cave surrounded by the five dead trees just like Ana said,
and all calm fled from my body.
Angel passed it, stopping about a half a mile away. Giles pulled up just
behind us, his car brakes squeaking loudly and it almost made me smile. There
are some things that just make you feel like the world makes sense, and Giles
having an old English car that barely ran was one of them. I slipped out
of the car, avoiding meeting anyone's eyes. We all stood quietly, waiting
for someone else to make the first move. No one stood near me, or looked
at me, it was like I had a circle around me
keeping them away. I guess I did, I was the bait, the lure, and the person
least likely to get out of this alive. The silence got to me, and I grabbed
the keys from Angel and unlocked the trunk pulling out the weapons bag. Keeping
my head low I handed weapons to everyone, not looking to see who took what.
When the bag was finally empty and there was no excuses left, I looked up
slowly; memorizing the scenery that surrounded me as Angel began to speak.
“I’m going to scope things out before we go in. I don’t want
anyone playing hero and getting Buffy killed.” Tears sprang to my eyes
as he spoke, panic coursing through my veins as I realized that this was
it. This could be my last night on this earth. I lifted my head, prepared
to tell Angel that I wasn’t doing it. I wasn’t offering myself,
and I wasn’t dying. I didn’t say anything though, I just met his
eyes and waited for it to happen.
Angel tried to smile at me, but gave up quickly, turning away and heading
towards the cave. We all followed after him, hanging slightly back as he
approached the entrance. Giles motioned us to the side as Angel entered the
cave. We stood crammed together behind a rock, our breathing and the rustling
of leaves the only break in the silence.
I reached out, running my fingers along the rock, the rough surface feeling
more alive than I had ever imagined. There were so many things I had taken
for granted, even living with Angel, so many things that I thought I would
have time to do. So many things I thought I would have time to make right.
Squeezing my eyes tightly shut I fought back the hopelessness that invaded
me. I had a chance still; it wasn’t a done deal. Xander could do it,
I knew he could, if he could stop himself from trying to help Buffy. I wished
desperately that he trusted Angel, that he would let himself depend on him
for Buffy's safety.
I jumped in surprise when Giles touched my arm, and then blushed at my obvious
fear, thankful for once that it was dark. “Cordelia, you don’t
have to do this.” His voice was calm, and totally lacking in judgment.
I met his eyes, marveling at the truth I saw there. He meant it, he would
let me walk away and not hate me for it. The trouble was, I would hate myself.
So I shook my head, my voice sounding sure as I answered. “I do. It's
important. She's important.” Then I turned my head to face Xander, suddenly
needing to know how he was doing. My life was in his hands now, and I
wasn’t sure how much my life meant to him. “And Xander’s got
the potion.” He met my eyes without the bitterness that I
expected. I’m not sure what it was I saw in his eyes, only that it made
me feel warm, and brave, and oddly enough respected. I turned back to Giles,
a small smile forming on my face. “Once the demon can’t disappear,
we'll kill him. Just another night on the Hellmouth.”
“Right.” Giles replied doubtfully as he turned and looked at Xander.
“Are you ready?”
“Yes.” Xander nodded, stepping away from Brina and closer to me.
“I’ll be ready when the time comes.” Brina followed his movement,
her body pressed tightly against his side again in seconds. I met her eyes,
and was taken aback once again by the fear and neediness in them. Once upon
a time I would have pounced on her, using her frailty against her, but now
I just looked away. She was perfect for Xander, a Slayer, needy and beautiful.
I wanted to be happy for him, wanted to be able to rejoice in
his happiness, but I couldn't. Everything in me wanted to yell at him, to
tell him that no matter what he thought, he wasn’t going to be happy
with anyone but me. I actually reached out and grabbed his hand before I
could stop myself, but when he looked at me I dropped it.
Then I remembered that I might die tonight, and I took it again, leading
him a short distance away from the others. He followed willingly, and I let
go and turned to face him. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say until
I opened my mouth and the words came out. “Xander, I…if I don’t
make it…I don’t want you to blame yourself. I know that you'll
do everything you can, and I don’t want you to second guess yourself.”
He didn’t reply right away, and I was starting to feel like an idiot
for saying anything when he spoke. His voice was rough, almost like he was
trying not to cry, or maybe yell. “Why did you have to change so
much?” Okay, not the answer I expected, and I didn’t know what
he was getting at, so I waited for him to say something else. “I want
to hate you, but even after two years without a word I can’t. Cause
you're not the person I wanted to hate.”
“I’m missing something here.” I whispered, feeling my stomach
jumping with nervousness. It figures, only I would be able to face death
easier than I could face the man I loved.
“The person you are now is the person I always knew you could be. The
person that I fell in love with in spite of myself.” Xander spoke clearly,
and I could hear the words echoing in my head. I wondered for a second if
I had been wrong to leave, but almost at the same second I understood that
I wasn’t. I wouldn't have grown at all if I had stayed here, my jealousy
of the devotion Xander had to Buffy and Willow would have choked any good
in me.
He stood waiting for me to say something, his eyes the warm brown that I
had loved to drown in so long ago. It felt like no time had passed, like
his girlfriend wasn’t standing ten feet away, like we were still in
love. Swallowing hard against the lump in my throat I forced myself to smile
at him. “Well don’t let all my hard work go to waste.”
He hesitated, then an answering smile broke out on his face. It's one of
the things I love most about him, how he can laugh when the world is literally
ending, it's saved my sanity more than once. “No way. I want to get
to know the new you too much to let you die.”
I melted, literally, sagging against him as his words sunk in. I didn’t
want to ever let him go, not for Buffy, not for Brina, not for anyone. I
wanted to dazzle him with the new me until he fell in love all over again.
The only problem was the new me wouldn't do that, so I straightened up and
walked back towards the others. After a second I heard Xander’s footsteps
follow.
Giles was talking in a frustrated voice to Brina when I rejoined them, and
I admit I strained my ears trying to hear what they were saying. Willow appeared
at my shoulder, her shoulders tense as she leaned in close to me. “He's
telling her that she has to stop depending on Xander and the rest of us so
much. She is the Slayer and she needs to accept it.”
“How long has she been the Slayer?” I whispered back, wondering
about this silent, beautiful girl who had Xander’s love.
“Since Faith.” Willow answered.
“But that was two years ago.” Shock made my voice louder than I
intended, and I paused for a second before continuing. “Have they been
going out that long?”
“Going out?” Willow asked, her face confused. Then a smile lit
up her lips. “They aren't going out. Xander just helps her, because
she can’t do it on her own.”
Not going out. She wasn’t his girlfriend, she wasn’t. This was
good, we were fighting a demon any minute, Buffy was kidnapped and I was
happy because Xander wasn’t dating Brina. I snuck a glance at Xander,
seeing him watching me with a strange expression. I ducked my head back before
he could see the happiness in my eyes. Willow was leaning in even closer,
and I had to strain to hear the whispered words coming from her lips. “He's
not over you.”
There should have been fireworks, or at least a marching band following her
words. Something that announced them, something that showed how wonderful
they made me feel. I rolled them around in my head, savoring the sound of
them. I wasn’t fooling myself that he was in love with me like I was
in love with him, I was just happy that I meant something to him.
A rustle of branches announced Angel’s arrival, and most of my happiness
fled. But not all of it, some of it warmed me as we followed him back to
the cave. Xander was clutching the jar of potion in his hand like he would
rather die than drop it, and I was suddenly sure that it would be okay. And
even if it wasn’t, I had Willow’s words to take with me, and they
would be enough.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter Eleven
I touched Angel’s hand as we approached the cave, wanting him to look
at me, to reassure me, it had been just us for so long now, and in the short
time we had been in Sunnydale I felt like everything had changed. He stopped
walking, turning to me with his dark, tortured eyes, but he didn’t say
anything. Disappointment coursed through me, and I realized that I had expected
him to say something to make it all better, something to signify how much
we had meant to each other over the last two years, and how he wouldn't let
me die. But he would, if it meant saving Buffy he would, and for some reason
I wasn’t angry about it. I actually understood, if the roles were reversed,
I would let him die so that Xander could live. It hurts to know that, to
know that no matter how much I love him I would do that, and that he would
do the same to me.
He's lucky in a way that I’m not though, Buffy would do the same for
him; she has done the same for him. I’m not sure that I’m worthy
of that kind of devotion or love. I know I haven't been in the past. But
tonight isn't about love, or worthiness, tonight is about saving Buffy and
with her the world. So I’m going to give it my all, flirt with a demon,
do whatever it takes to get Buffy free, and the rest isn't in my hands.
It's in his, the dark haired man who's walking just behind me, I know it's
him without turning around. I can feel his breath on my shoulder, and hear
his quick intakes of air. I want to lean back against him, let the feel of
his body give me strength, but this isn't the time, or the place to burden
him with my feelings.
Angel stopped at the entrance to the cave, motioning me forward. He slipped
a small silver knife in my hand, and I stared down at it. What good was this
to me? I certainly wasn’t going to be beheading Cremo with this small
thing. I looked up at him, my voice shaky as I spoke. “What's this
for?”
“Protection. If things don’t go well, then it will buy you time.”
My hand moved up to clutch my cross of its own accord and Angel shook his
head. “No Cor. It's not for that. Don’t even think of it. We'll
get you out. Just wait for us.”
My hand fell back to my side and I nodded at him. Xander was staring in horror
at the cross that lay outside my shirt. He stepped forward, taking the cross
in his hand before I could stop him. The end slid off easily and he looked
at me as he held the dagger in his hand. “What is this?” His voice
was low, and hurt.
“The last resort.” I whispered, taking it back from him and slipping
the end back on as the others stared at me. I only met Xander’s eyes;
my answer was only for him. “I know you can do it. I know it, but things
don’t always go exactly as we plan them, and I don’t want to help
him destroy the world.”
He hesitated, his hand still stretched out towards me, but slowly he let
it fall to his side. I continued staring at him, willing him to understand
what I was saying. Finally he spoke his voice a gruff whisper. “I will
save you.”
My eyes welled with tears as I tried to smile at him. The conviction in his
voice echoed in my head as I stepped away from the group and headed into
the cave. I didn’t look back, I couldn't or else I would run back to
them and beg them to find another way.
The first thing I noticed was the horrible smell and years of dampness seeping
into me as I walked further inside. I started breathing through my mouth,
but then I could almost taste the odor. It was familiar somehow, but I couldn't
place it. And then, horrifyingly, I could and my stomach revolted. I leaned
against the wall, the wetness sinking through my shirt as I emptied my stomach.
I stayed that way for a few minutes, panting loudly as I wiped the sweat
from my face. The knowledge of what
I would see frightened me almost too much to move, but I finally stood and
took one slow step after another deeper into the cave.
I tried to steel myself, remembering the ugliness of the burn on my neck,
and forcing myself to imagine that burn covering a whole body. It had to
be covering her whole body by now, the smell told me that. The smell of seared
human flesh, the same smell that had come from my neck magnified a hundred
times. I could n't do it though; I couldn't picture the Slayer scarred for
life, her face disfigured and hideous. My steps quickened, the others were
following me after five minutes and I couldn't be here when they arrived.
I had to swallow my fear, and my horror and face the demon.
I rounded a corner in the cave, ducking down low to avoid the spikes of rock
that hung from the ceiling. I heard a scream off in the distance, and I gritted
my teeth as I broke into a run. If I was going to do this, and I was, then
there was no sense in wasting any more time.
Hugging the wall I rounded yet another corner and stopped, staring in shock
at the scene before me. Buffy was chained to the wall by her arms, her body
covered in a red and black outfit and her blond hair covering her face from
my view. I felt calmer for a moment as I realized that if her hair wasn’t
burnt, her face probably wasn’t either. Then I took another step forward
and gagged as I realized that the red suit wasn’t a suit at all. It
was burnt and rotting flesh that covered her body. Fighting desperately against
the nausea that rose in my throat I swung my eyes toward Cremo. He was standing
off to the side of her; a huge smile on his face as he pulled one of his
hands through her hair, pulling her head up to face him. She was conscious,
and her eyes were almost insane, but she smiled grimly at him as she spit
in his face. He roared, his hands flying back to strike her, and I stepped
out from my hiding place, willing my voice to sound sure. “Hey. Remember
me?”
His hands stopped in mid strike, and he turned slowly to face me. I shivered
at the look in his eyes. The hunger in them crawled down my skin, and I wanted
to scratch at myself to get rid of it. Instead I walked closer to him, my
hips swaying as I smiled at him. “I've missed you.”
He growled, his hands rising again, and I gulped. Blowing out air slowly,
I moved even closer, praying that the others weren't far behind. “Hey,
is that any way to greet a guest?” I tilted my head, trying to look
coy as I stood in front of him. Motioning to Buffy, I made my voice disgusted
as I spoke again. “What do you want with her, hen you could have me?”
Turning back to him, I painted a hurt look on my face. “I thought we
had something. I thought we were going to destroy the world.” Tilting
my head to the side to bare my neck, I continued. “You marked me, you
wanted me first, and now I’m here.”
He looked back to Buffy, his indecision evident. She kicked out her legs,
growling at him in a voice that didn’t even sound human. I stood in
awe of her strength; the burns on her legs must have made moving excruciating,
yet she still fought. In that second every doubt I had about what I was doing
fled away and I placed my hand on his back, feeling the pain shoot through
my palm. I didn’t pull away though; instead I ran my hand slowly up
his spine, my voice husky when I spoke. “Why don’t we go over there
and make our plans? She's never going to give you anything but trouble.”
He glared at her, and then turned to me, his mouth opening to speak. “She
is strong. When I turn her she will be strong, and our children will rule
the world.”
“True.” I answered slowly, as if I was considering his words.
“But she has such good in her, what if it is passed on to your
children?”
He thought about my words for a minute, before reaching out to touch my face
with his nearest arm. The touch of his hand seared into my face, and I almost
cried out. I felt the burn digging deeper the longer his hand remained there,
melting the flesh and going through the muscle. Then my face went numb, and
I knew he had hit the nerves. I wanted to cry over the face that I would
never have again, even if I managed to get out. Oddly though, it strengthened
my resolve, and I leaned into his
touch. “Let me be your mate.”
A smile began on his face, growing larger and more frightening by the second.
“You will have my children.” He turned back to Buffy, and lifted
a piece of rock from the floor. “And she will die.”
I almost screamed no, but managed to grab the hand with the rock instead.
Batting my eyes at him, I spoke. “Save her for me? Please? For after
the change. Let me kill her.” His smile grew even larger, as one arm
wrapped around my shoulder, burning my shirt into my flesh. I smiled back,
the pain causing my head to swim and for one second I was terrified I would
pass out. But then the feeling passed, and I walked towards a large rock
on the other side of the cave, away from Buffy. I peeked over my shoulder,
seeing Buffy's eyes following me, and I moved my eyes in the direction that
I had come. She might have nodded, I wasn’t sure, and then her head
fell forward and I knew she was unconscious.
Hurry up Angel, hurry up. It ran through my head like a mantra, as I slid
onto the rock facing Buffy, and the demon sat down facing me. His hands were
all over my body, the pain barely registering in my mind any more, there
was too much of it to deal with, and the only thing I could do was stare
at him with wide eyes. I wasn’t sure how much more foreplay my body
or mind could take before I passed out. All I could do was pray that the
others got here before that happened.
He finally took his hands from me, leaving only one encircling my wrist as
he grabbed something from behind me. I heard the clink of the chains before
I saw them, and my heart raced even faster. His smile was gone when his face
loomed in front of mine again. The shackles were fastened to my wrists and
ankles before I could even react, the knife falling from my hand. My face
must have shown my confusion and fear, because he laughed, the sound echoing
through the cave and burrowing under my skin. “I will have both of
you.” His voice was a vow, a gleeful, evil vow, as he locked the end
of the chain onto the rock. “Everything will be much f aster if I have
two mates.” He leaned in close to me, his lips covering mine. The blisters
formed on my lips immediately and he pressed harder, bursting them and laughing
as the first gasp of pain fell from my lips. “It will get much worse
my love, before the transformation is done. Much, much worse.” Laughing
to himself now, he dragged his hand down my leg, ripping my pants open. I
watched in speechless horror as the skin peeled from my leg along with them.
I whimpered, pain chasing away all
my bravery, as I understood that it could all be for nothing.
Dimly, I heard the rattle of chains, and hope flared to life again. The Calvary
was here. I swung my wrists wildly; hoping that he would think the noise
was me long enough for them to save Buffy. That was all that mattered to
me now, they had to save her, this awful pain couldn't be for nothing. It
couldn't be. Gritting my teeth, I forced myself to speak to the demon. “I
am willing. You don’t need these chains.”
“I remember you. I remember your friend, he almost killed me. This time
I will not fail. This time I will have you.” His voice was triumphant,
his hatred billowing like clouds over me.
My entire body was shaking, whether from fear or shock, or maybe both, and
I was trying hard not to cry. Lifting my wrist, I pretended I was touching
my lips, but I was just making sure that I could reach the cross. Satisfied
that I could, I let a bitter smile form on my face as I dropped my hand.
“How about you just die for good, and we call it even?”
He roared, his body tensing as his hands flew towards me. I couldn't help
it, I screamed, my terror overpowering me as his hands landed on my body,
the slaps tearing already burnt flesh from my body, and burning the muscle
underneath. Tears spilled down my face, stinging the agonizing burns as they
fell. I sniffed, trying to hold onto some control, not wanting him to have
my fear to enjoy as well as my pain. I heard the clatter of chains falling
to the floor, and relief coursed through my veins. She was free.
The demon tensed, his head flinging around and a scream of anger filled the
cave as he stood. He moved forward slightly, and I could see the group
surrounding Buffy, tears streaming down all of their faces as Angel cradled
her in his arms. She hadn’t woken, and I was thankful for that, the
pain would be intense when she did. I knew that better than anyone in the
room, and I wanted her to be on drugs when she came back to the world. But
some things you don’t get no matter how badly you want
them, and Cremo called to her, his voice hypnotic. “Wake my mate. Wake
and fight for us.”
I was shaking uncontrollably, feeling my own need to answer him coursing
through me. I wanted to stand, and offer myself to him, and the idea of it
sickened me as much as it enticed me. Angel’s face was a mask of rage;
his eyes glowing in the dim light as Buffy lifted her head, her body already
struggling against the arms that held her. Angel’s grip tightened, his
hand pressing against her neck. I knew what he was doing, but from the look
of anger on Xander’s face he didn’t. He moved forward,
his arms reaching out for Buffy, but her leg caught him solidly in the stomach,
and he fell backwards, the jar tumbling from his hand.
Despair filled me as I watched it roll under a crevice and lodge there. Xander
was staring at it too, the anger on his face frightening. He didn’t
look at Buffy again as Angel continued choking off her air. I held my breath
as Xander moved closer to the jar, his hands wrapping around the end that
was still visible and pulling. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Angel hand
Buffy's now unconscious body to Giles, and take the axe from Oz’s hand.
He turned to them, motioning towards the entrance of the cave. “Get
her out.” He looked down at her one more time, and the love and anger
on his face shocked me. Lifting his head, his eyes met Giles. “Don’t
let her wake up. No matter what you have to do, don’t let her wake.”
Giles nodded, turning away from Angel and walking out of the cave, Brina
trailing closely behind them. I wanted to think she followed in order to
protect Buffy, but the shock and disappointment on Xander and Willow’s
face told me otherwise. I thought that Cremo would follow them though, and
I think Angel did to because he stood between them and the demon. But Cremo
didn’t move, he just laughed as Giles and Buffy disappeared from view.
“You think it is that easy?” The demon asked Angel, his voice almost
conversational. “She will come back after I have killed you.” Angel
didn’t answer him, instead he moved closer holding the axe in front
of him. Cremo continued speaking anyway, moving backwards until he was
practically in my lap. “And I have this one even if you kill the
other.”
“You have nothing.” Xander answered him defiantly, holding the
jar in his hands and pulling desperately. I heard the scrap as it moved against
the rock and came free.
Cremo threw back his head, moving to the side so they could see me. Xander
gasped, his mouth flying up to cover his mouth as he gagged. I closed my
eyes, understanding that I was ruined now no matter what happened. My looks
were gone; I would always be a freak. I used to think that if I couldn't
be beautiful that I didn’t want to live, but now I understood that I
was wrong. I still wanted life. Wanted it with a fervor that surprised me.
I could almost feel as the last traces of shallowness fled from me, and I
waited to see if I got to live.
Angel continued moving forward, his steps menacing as he closed the gap between
him and the demon. When he was in striking distance, an arm flew out of nowhere
knocking Angel backwards. I gasped, then cried out as the pain of moving
my lips shot through me. Angel wasn’t down long before he was flying
at Cremo again, moving almost to fast for me to see. His hand swung down
and the axe grazed the demon. Howling with rage, Cremo disappeared into thin
air, leaving Angel swinging at nothing.
I screamed as burns formed along my neck, the hand that was burning me invisible.
Tossing my head wildly, I tried to escape the pain, panic ruling me now.
I barely saw Xander moving towards me, barely understood what it could mean
as he lifted his hand. He rushed forward in a burst of speed, pouring the
liquid over the burns on my neck.
A hand began to form out of the air, and it wrapped itself around my neck,
squeezing the breath from my body. I lifted my hands, trying to release his
hold as the world
darkened around me. Xander screamed in rage, pouring the remaining liquid
over the area in front of me. The demon's body shimmered, and then appeared
fully formed. Angel shot into action, the axe rising high in the air, and
then sliced through the demon's neck in one quick movement.
The head sat on the neck for a split second, his hand still tight around
my throat. Then it began to roll off, the shock and anger still evident on
his face. It hit the ground hard, and his hand relaxed around my neck. His
body remained upright though, tremors shooting through his arms. Angel moved
again, the axe swinging as he cut the arms from the body one by one, each
hitting the floor with a heavy thud.
I think I lost consciousness for a minute, because when I focused my eyes
again, Angel was throwing the pieces into the fire, his face still frozen
in rage. My body was shaking uncontrollably and I thought I was going to
throw up. Xander moved closer to me, taking his shirt off and placing it
gently over my shoulders. I winced, pain flowing through me from that careful
touch. There was so much pain, it swam around me, crawled inside me, and
pulled at my skin until I thought I would die. I
searched the room, fighting to find something to hold onto, something that
could keep me from the darkness that called to me.
And he was there, his voice soothing even if I couldn't understand the words.
His eyes held mine, willing me to live, and I survived in them. His face
was panicked as he turned away from me and spoke to Angel. “We have
to get her to a hospital. You have to break the chains, I can’t do
it.”
Angel stopped, turning away from the fire, holding the demon's head in his
hand. His face calmed, changing back into human form as he tossed the head
into the fire and ran toward us. He mumbled something to me that I couldn't
hear through the pain in my body as he broke the chains. He slipped his arms
around my body, but Xander stopped him from picking me up. Something unspoken
passed between them and Angel stepped away and let Xander carry me.
I wanted to be happy to have his arms around me, to be alive, but when he
picked me up, the pain was too much, and the world faded away.
CONTINUE