Summary: Cordelia leaves Sunnydale behind, moving to LA with Angel, but two years later something happens that sends her back.

Disclaimers: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and a lot of other people who are not me.
Spoilers: Up to the Prom, although nothing specific after Lover's Walk.
Feedback: Please? Good, bad, anything.
Dedicated to Niccy, Courtney and Erika, who helped me so much, and who write such amazing fic and make me happy. And to Melissa, cause Bucky's rocks, and so does she.

Chapter One

I knew the moment that Angel opened the door to my workroom that my life was going to change again and probably not for the better. Angel hadn't come closer than to knock on the door since the day the room was finished and I started working in it. Why would he? It's filled with crosses of all shapes and sizes, not exactly party central for a vampire.
I didn't look up from the cross I was working on even though my hands had started trembling and my stomach was rolling nervously. I peeled the mold from around the piece carefully, pretending that I hadn't heard him call my name. His eyes burned into my back as I inspected the cross, desperately wanting this to be just another day. That I was still just getting ready for my second big showing, and all I had to worry about was getting everything finished in time.

I stared at the piece, remembering the first show I had, paid for by Angel of course. The critics had loved my work, but they all called me 'God-haunted'. I guess because I mainly make crosses, and even when I don't, I have crosses carved into everything. I had laughed at the reviews; God didn't haunt me, in fact it was quite the opposite. I put crosses in everything because I knew too much not to. Maybe I actually believe that someone will wear one of my pieces and get to live one more day. Maybe it's just cause I like to wear my stuff, and in my life, crosses are pretty much a necessity. It's amazing the places you can think of to put them, especially if you're terrified all the time.

Angel has been so good about my obsession, he built me this workroom, and he paid for me to get started. I worry sometimes that I'm not being fair to him, spending so much of his money on something that would burn him if he tried to touch it. Xander would get a kick out of it though. And he'd love the fact that Angel can't even come into my workroom without wincing. But now he's standing in the doorway, waiting for me to turn around. I can feel his eyes on my back, and I know that he's giving me time to adjust.

It's that knowing that made me set the cross down on the table and spin around slowly in my chair. I couldn't look at him though. Instead I stared at the floor, splattered with drops of silver, gold, and who knows what else. Swallowing, I pushed back the stupid anger I felt that he had come into my room, into my haven, my place that I can escape to when reality gets to ugly.

I always feel safe in here; crosses adorn everything, huge pieces that aren't good for anything other than hanging on a wall, unless you happen to know some real vampires. People buy them though, paying crazy amounts of money. I always want to ask them if they know, are they one of the few, the unlucky, but I never do. What difference does it make?

It still surprises me, how successful I am; maybe people can feel the evil that they don't see. Probably not, probably I'm just the trend of the moment, and next month they'll be wearing the moon or something. But I send stuff to Buffy all the time, Angel says she loves it, and I tell him I don't care. I'm not sending it for her to love it; I want it to help keep her alive. I want them all to stay alive, Buffy, Giles, Willow, Oz, and even Xander. Not that I ever want to see them again, I just don't want anyone else to lose to the demons.

Angel says I'm getting bitter, and I need to find some joy in my life. It's strange coming from the guy who'll become evil if he finds happiness. Maybe I'll mention that the next time he gets on my case, but probably not. He's got enough on his plate without me reminding him of that, especially since we heard that Buffy was dating again.

I dreaded that news almost more than I dread hearing of her death. Angel said all the right things, that they had no future and she deserved whatever happiness she could find. He said it, and he believed it, and his heart still shattered. Why wouldn't it? He loves her with everything he is. Every fight is for her, not for the world, or redemption, but because he thinks that every demon he kills means one less she has to face. One less chance that today could be the day that she loses. It would be beautiful if it weren't so pointless. What's the use of fighting if there is no hope for a better life on the other end?

I actually asked him that one night, after we had both almost died. We were sitting in the kitchen, our clothes torn and bloody, I remember I had a big bump on the side of my face. He looked so serious, so intense as he answered that I never forgot his words. 'I'm not fighting for a better life for me, I'm fighting for Buffy, and for you, and for all the others that don't even know that there is anything to fight against. I was one of the bad guys Cor, and I know that we can't be allowed to exist.'

I know he's right. Sometimes I wish he wasn't, sometimes I want so badly to go back, or go forward, just to be any place that isn't in my head. There isn't any way though, for any of us. Once you know what the truth is, you don't get to walk away, not even if you're as selfish as I am. I tried to, when I first got to Los Angeles I avoided Angel like the plague, joining the most exclusive sorority and dating up a storm. Then Buffy called me in tears one day, Angel had been hurt and she couldn't leave Sunnydale. So I went, not graciously, not happy to be able to help, but sulking like a child. He was different than I expected, not that I'm sure what I expected. He's very intelligent and honest, and I soon considered him a friend, my only friend. By the time he was recovered I had dropped out of college and moved in, doing whatever I could to help him. I might not have been quick to realize there was no escape, but I get it now.

So I looked up, feeling a rush of guilt when I saw the pain on his face. It must have hurt him to stand in front of all these crosses for so long, waiting for me to accept what I should have already accepted. Moving towards him, I tried to smile and failed miserably. He was silent as he followed me out of the room and into the kitchen. I sat down in a chair and tapped my fingers on the table as I waited for him to speak.

It couldn't have been more than thirty seconds, but it felt like eternity had passed before he cleared his throat. Without looking up he spoke. "I have to go to Sunnydale."

Sunnydale. The one place that I never wanted to see again. I nodded to myself, waiting for him to explain, refusing to let myself imagine what could get him to go back. What horrors the Hellmouth had unleashed that would send him there?

"Buffy's been kidnapped." His voice was a cross between a whisper and a growl as he raised agonized eyes to meet mine.

It only took me a second to answer him. "I'll come with you." Because sometimes I do know what the right thing to do is.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter Two


IWe didn't speak again as we packed to go, forced to wait for the sun to set before leaving the house. Angel was on the phone half the time, his voice angry as he shouted at someone on the other end. I didn't ask who, if I needed to know Angel would tell me, and if I didn't, then all the better. If I've learned one thing since I found out about the Hellmouth, demons and vampires, it's that there are some things I'm better off not knowing.

Angel didn't speak until we were on the highway, speeding towards my hometown. "She's been gone for three days."

I sucked in a breath, three days was a long time to be held by a demon, or vampire. Why hadn't someone called earlier? Angel spoke again, answering my question before I had a chance to ask. "They thought they could handle it alone." His voice was low and barely in control. I shifted in my seat, seeing the yellow glow in his eyes as he fought to keep his face human.

I reached out slowly, carefully, placing my hand on his arm. "She's strong Angel. She'll be fine."

He shook my arm off, turning to face me. "You don't know that." I sunk back in my seat at his anger, turning to stare out of the window into the darkness. His voice was softer when he spoke again. "Sorry. I'm just worried."

"I know." I answered, trying to keep my voice calm. "So am I." I didn't look at him as I asked my next question, not wanting to have to face the fear in his eyes. "Do they know who has her? Or why they have her?"

The only answer was his foot pressing harder on the gas pedal. He was silent for so long that I had given up on finding anything more out until we got to Sunnydale. When his voice filled the car, I jumped at the sudden break in the silence. "Do you remember that demon we killed a few months back?"

I turned in surprise, wondering why he wanted to talk about demons that were already dead. "Which demon?" He flashed an annoyed look at me, and I glared back. How was I supposed to know which one he was talking about? It's not like we only kill one every couple of months.

"The one that had the big Armageddon plan, Cremo." Angel growled. "The one that was on his way to Sunnydale."

"Oh," I murmured; that one. He had been tough, and for a while Angel didn't think that we would be able to stop him. He had been on the phone to Whistler all the time about it, and I had spent three days reading everything on him I could find, not to mention making a weapon that would be able to kill him. But Angel had killed him, I had watched him die, and we both had seen his body disappear. "He's dead."

"Apparently not." Angel replied in a voice thick with disgust. "He tricked me, and I fell for it."

"Damn." I whispered to myself, staring out into the night. "How? We saw him die."

"You're the one who did all the research Cordelia, you tell me." Angel answered angrily. "Didn't you see anything about his ability to become invisible?"

"You're blaming me?" I replied in shock, leaning my head back against the seat as I searched my mind for anything in the books that had mentioned invisibility. There hadn't been anything, I was sure of it, but I didn't have the extensive library Giles did. I should have called him, should have pushed aside my stupid pride and asked him for help. Closing my eyes, I didn't say anything else. There wasn't any point in saying that I was sorry, it wouldn't change anything.

"I'm sorry." Angel said for the second time that night, if he wasn't careful he would end up setting a new record for the most apologies in one night. I think it stood at five now. "It's not your fault. I know you read everything you could find."

"I should have called Giles." I whispered in a low voice, keeping my eyes tightly shut.

"Don't." Angel replied. "Why would you think that this demon was any different than the others that we have fought? You did everything you could, and we thought he was dead."

Opening my eyes slowly, I searched his face to see if he was telling the truth. He turned his eyes from the road, letting me look into them before he turned back. I swallowed, not knowing what to say next as the car sped towards Sunnydale, and the life I thought I had left forever.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter Three


We spent the day at a Motel on the outskirts of Sunnydale. I stayed in the room with Angel, not wanting to take a chance on running into anyone I knew. The only thing I did all day was call Giles to tell him that we would be at the library shortly after sunset. He sounded terrible, the worry and lack of sleep evident. He told me he was glad to hear my voice. I hung up without saying anything in reply. What could I say? That I had never intended on talking to any of them again? It's not exactly the nicest thing to say to someone, and I'm learning that sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut. It isn't Giles' fault anyway; it isn't anyone's fault. I just want to forget Xander, and forgetting him means that I have to forget all of them. Simple really, except that I know he'll be there tonight, and even after two years, my stomach still gets butterflies at the thought of it.

Xander Harris, the geek, the only guy I've ever loved. Fate is a funny thing, but I already knew that, I didn't need to fall for him to believe it. I leaned back against the headboard, hearing the sound of the shower still running. Angel takes the longest time in the bathroom of anyone I've ever met, alive or dead, male or female. I flicked on the TV, changing channels aimlessly and trying not to think about Xander.

I wonder what he's been up to since graduation. I won't let Angel tell me anything; cold turkey is the best way to go. I see the look on Angel's face when he hears news about Buffy; the longing and the sadness and I don't want to feel any of it. So Xander Harris has a compartment in my mind, and my heart that I refuse to look at. Maybe someday, when I've found somebody new to love, when the knowledge that I'm going to spend the rest of my life without him doesn't hurt so much, maybe then I'll let myself remember how much I loved him.

As soon as the shower stopped running, I shut the TV off, sliding down on the bed and closing my eyes. I needed to get some sleep if I wanted to be any help to them tonight, and I do want to be. Partly for Buffy, and partly because I want to show Xander that I'm not the shallow person I once was. Although I think that wanting that makes me shallow. So, not as shallow as I once was.

Images of Xander floated through my mind as I tried to fall asleep, his face the first time we kissed, the shock and horror on it. The look on his face the last time I saw him, the sadness and pain in his eyes as we said goodbye. I let them float in my mind for a minute, savoring the memories and the pain before I opened my eyes, pushing them away. Sitting up, I stared impatiently at the bathroom door, how much longer could he be? Sunset was in a little over an hour, and if I couldn't sleep I at least needed a shower to refresh me.

Not to mention the fact that I wasn't willing to face Xander if I didn't look my best. I may not be as shallow as I was, but I'm still pretty vain. I'm working on it though.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter Four


Neither of us spoke on the way to Sunnydale High School, we were to caught up in our fear. I kept sneaking glances at him, trying to reassure myself that he wasn't going to go in there and fly off the handle. They had a hard enough time with him as it was, if he lost it they'd never trust him enough for us to work together.

He pulled into the parking lot with a squeal, stopping only inches from the curb and sliding out of the car. I was almost running trying to keep up with him as he headed towards the library. I grabbed his arm as he reached the door, pulling him around to face me. He growled low in his throat, but I stood my ground. "Angel. You've got to get it together, we need them. You need them to find Buffy, so don't go in there mad that they didn't call earlier, and don't go all game face on them. Remember, they haven't been around you for two years, they're probably going to be nervous. Plus they've been searching for three days, and are most likely exhausted."

Angel was quiet for a minute before he nodded in agreement, his shoulders relaxing slightly. "You're right. I know."

I released my grip on his arm, patting it reassuringly before moving away. "We're going to find her."

Angel swallowed, reaching out to hold my hand in his. "I know. Thanks."

"You know me, helpful is my middle name." I kidded nervously. He rewarded me with a weak smile before pulling me along with him into the library.

We stopped just inside the door, both of us frozen as we looked back in time. Willow was hunched over her computer, Oz at her shoulder. Giles was walking out of his office with a book open in his hand. I let out a breath, disappointed and relieved that Xander wasn't there. Angel's grip tightened around mine, as Oz looked up, his expression unreadable as always. He nodded his head towards Giles, and the older man turned slowly to look at us.

Giles moved towards us slowly, relief evident on his features. I forced myself to walk forward and met him halfway, letting go of Angel's hand as I did. Giles held out his hand and I took it, shocked when he pulled me into a hug, his arms trembling as they closed around me. After a moment, I returned the hug, pressing my head against his shoulder.

When I pulled away, Willow was beside me, her eyes tired and afraid as she looked at me. I tried to force a smile on my face, but it died. As I looked at her, I tried to summon some of my old envy, the bitterness that I had felt toward her for being Xander's best friend, for being someone that I could never live up to, but I couldn't find it. Maybe I was getting more mature. I held out my hand to her, my voice shaking slightly as I spoke. "Willow. How are you holding up?"

She grabbed my hand, her chin trembling as she answered. "Nothing new. We don't know where he's got her, or what he's planning to do with her." She turned her head slightly, meeting Angel's eyes. "Thank you for coming. I know we should have called as soon as she was taken, but we thought we would have her back before you could get here."

Angel nodded at the implied apology in her tone, his expression clearing as he moved further into the room. He met Giles eyes, not bothering to offer his hand. "Giles, what do you need me to do?" His voice was carefully controlled, and I don't think anyone but me heard the terror in it.

Giles took a small step backwards, glancing down at the book in his hands before looking up again. He cleared his throat, his eyes locked again on Angel's. "Do you…do you think you could try and find out what you can from the vampire population? Or Willie? We…we are at a bit of a loss." Giles' voice was shaky, and more than a little ragged. "And every second is important."

Angel just nodded, his eyes meeting mine for a second before he disappeared from the room. The remaining group was silent after he left, two years and a lot of terror clouding the air between us. I finally broke it, moving towards the table piled high with books. "Which ones have you looked at already?"

Giles flinched, moving quickly towards the table. "Right, right, of course. We must do all the research we can, every second counts."

You already said that, I thought, but managed not to say. I took the books he piled into my arms, settling down into a chair and opening the first one. I was skimming through the book, looking for some information on Cremo that I didn't already know, and at the same time trying to remember if there was anything that I already knew that might help, when the door opened.

I looked up; my face paling as Xander walked into the room followed by the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. My eyes widened as she practially floated across the floor towards Giles, her face gorgeous even in its sadness. I tried to swallow down the rush of pain at seeing them together, reminding myself desperately that I was only here to help Buffy.

Forcing my eyes back to the book in front of me, I tried to pretend that I hadn't seen them. My stomach began churning viciously as his footsteps closed the distance between us. His shadow was blocking my light when I finally looked up into his dark eyes.

His face was drawn and there were large circles under his eyes, but he was still Xander. He was still the guy I loved. Struggling to keep my face free of emotion I looked up at him.

His expression was unreadable as he spoke in a voice deeper than I remembered it being. "The prodigal daughter returns, and it only took Buffy being kidnapped to make it happen."

I stared at him in surprise, not knowing why his voice was so bitter and cold. Opening my mouth to make a reply, it remained open when he turned and abruptly walked away.

Shutting my mouth, I stared at his back for a minute, as he talked to the girl I didn't know, his voice low and intimate. She must be his girlfriend I thought, before pushing my eyes back to the book. The words were suddenly blurry as tears filled my eyes, and I remembered once again why I had never wanted to come back to this town.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chapter Five



The library was quiet for the next few hours, or at least I was. Xander continued talking with the girl, stopping only to ask a question or two of Giles. He didn't look in my direction once. On the other hand, I seemed to find myself staring at his back more than I stared at the book. Sighing loudly as I caught myself doing it again, I blushed when he swung around to look at me. His voice was chilling as he spoke. "Bored Cordy? Is Buffy being kidnapped not enough excitement for you after LA?"

His words felt like a slap in the face, and I could feel my jaw tightening as I answered him. "I doesn't even appear to be something worthy of research to you." My voice held the same bitchy tone that I thought I would never hear from my lips again. I dropped my head back to the book, disgusted with myself. He still had that effect on me, putting all of my defenses on red alert. I flipped the pages rapidly, hoping that Angel returned soon.

I was so focussed on not focusing on him that he startled me when he dropped into the chair next to mine, grabbing a book from my pile and opening it. He met my eyes, shrugging his shoulders as he motioned towards the girl. "Brina just needed some reassurance, she's not used to being the only Slayer around."

I nodded; feeling much too relieved to hear that she was the Slayer. Of course being the Slayer didn't mean that she wasn't his girlfriend, Xander always had a thing for them. He looked away then, his eyes moving quickly across the page. I watched him read, unable to tear my eyes away until Willow's computer beeped, reminding me that I was supposed to be researching.

We were quiet again for a while, the only sounds the click of Willow's fingers flying across the keyboard, and the rustle of pages turning. I settled into the book, almost forgetting that Xander was next to me. I was reading a chapter on the demon's strengths, yet another one that didn't mention that he could become invisible, when Giles appeared at my side. I looked up at him with a questioning glance.

"You've seen this demon." He stated, his voice drawn and tired.

"Yes." I answered quickly, pushing down the sudden surge of guilt. Poor Angel, I thought, if I feel this bad I can't imagine how he feels. "We thought that he was dead. Angel practically decapitated him, and then his body stopped moving, and disappeared. We didn't think anything of it, lots of them disappear after they're killed." My voice was rushed, and I knew that Xander would hear the guilt in my voice. I continued speaking, trying to avoid the moment when he told me it was my fault. "There wasn't anything in all the books I read that mentioned that he could do that."

"I know that Cordelia." Giles said, "I didn't mean to imply that you knew of his power. I just want to know all I can about him, and you've seen him, seen him fight…" His voice trailed off as he looked down at his hands, obviously fighting to remain calm.

"Oh." I whispered weakly, nervously pushing my hair back behind my ears. "Well, he's huge. Bigger than most demons I've seen. And really quick, he would be in front of you almost before you realized he had moved. When…when Angel fought him, I wasn't sure who was going to win." I hesitated, not knowing if they really needed to know how strong the demon that held Buffy was. Giles was nodding though, his eyes watching me intensely. "He's almost spider like in appearance, I'm not even sure how many arms he had, but I do know that they were all strong. And it burned when he touched you."

"He touched you?" Xander interrupted, leaning forward and staring intently at me.

"Yes." I answered, glancing at him quickly before turning back to Giles, trying to ignore the sudden surge of joy that he had asked. "Actually that's how Angel finally got the upper hand. After Cremo saw me, he…he came straight for me, and Angel was able to get behind him and he took the axe to his neck." I stopped, clearing my throat as the memories of that night flooded me. I reached up, pressing my hand against the left side of my neck, reassuring myself that the burn had faded away. "You know that he can only be killed by decapitation with an axe made of pure silver?"

"Yes." Giles murmured, glancing at the bag I had dropped by the door. "Did you bring it with you?"

"Yes." I replied following his gaze to the bag. I walked slowly across the room and picked the bag up bringing it back and setting it on the table. Unzipping it I pulled the axe from it, handing it to Giles. He studied it intently, his fingers running over it. He stopped, his fingers tracing the cross etched into the side of it. Looking up at me, he motioned to the axe. "You made this?"

I nodded slightly, "Do you know how hard it is to find an axe made of pure silver?"

Giles looked back down at it, running his fingers over it again before sliding it back into the bag. His fingers shook as he zipped the bag up, his hand coming to rest on top of it. "I should have called you earlier."

"Giles." I began, not wanting him to feel guilty. "She's going to be fine. We'll find her, and we'll kill this demon for good." I paused before continuing my thought, not knowing if this was the right time to say it. My mouth won out though, and I spoke again. "And then we'll make sure we keep in better contact. We're fighting the same battle, we should be able to help each other."

Giles, Willow and Oz nodded in agreement, but Xander continued staring at the bag on the table. He finally looked up, his eyes dark with worry. "So what you're saying is that Buffy has no way to defend herself against him? That he'll burn her with his touch, and no matter how well she fights, she can't win?"

Giles paled, and Willow gasped, leaning against Oz for strength. I glared at Xander, amazed at his insensitivity, amazed that people called me insensitive. "Brilliant Xander, why not make everyone feel even worse?"

He stood suddenly, his body tense as he faced me. "Great Cordelia, you run away from all of us, and then you want to come back and tell me how I should speak to my friends. You always did have an inflated sense of how much your opinion was worth."

"And you always had a way of making a bad situation just that much worse." I shot back, my voice icy. "Would you prefer that I pretended that this was going to be easy, and then you could get a big surprise when we have to face him?"

He didn't answer his face cold as he walked away, heading towards the office where the other Slayer was. I looked back to the group, seeing the worry etched even deeper on their faces, and I tried to calm myself. Rubbing my forehead, I bit my lip as I tried to think of something to say that would make them feel better. The silence stretched out, become more painful as the seconds ticked by, but I couldn't think of anything that would make them feel better. My certainty that there was no way that Angel would let Buffy be killed probably wouldn't reassure Giles, but maybe if I could get Willow alone it might help her. I think that she understands how much he loves her, and how far he would go to keep her safe.

Moving slowly, I sat back down at the table and picked my book back up, hoping that Angel would be back soon, and that he would have found something that could help us save Buffy.


CONTINUE