Chapter Twelve
I don’t know how long I remained unconscious, only that the sun was
shining in the window when I opened my eyes, and I stared out at it, letting
it warm me. The events of the night before flooded over me, and I started
crying quietly. In the light of day the thought of living my life with a
scarred face and body wasn’t as appealing as it had been when I thought
I would die. Sobs choked in my throat, and I closed my eyes again, willing
myself to fall back into sleep.
When I opened my eyes again, I knew I wasn’t alone. I didn’t look
at the person though; I didn’t want to see the pity I knew I would see
in their eyes. I just wanted to be alone, today and for the rest of my life.
I wanted to hide from the reality that I would never be able to escape from.
The only thing that I had to hold onto was that Buffy had gotten out and
the world wasn’t ending, at least not by his hands.
Slowly I realized that I wasn’t in any pain. I moved my lips carefully,
and still there was no pain. Lifting my hand, I stared at it, not understanding
why it wasn’t bandaged. Turning it around I stared at my palm. It was
red, like I had a really bad sunburn, but it wasn’t the raw mess it
had been in the cave. I touched my face then, feeling for the burned flesh
that should be there, but my face was smooth.
I turned my head then, licking my lips as I met Xander’s eyes.
“How?” My voice was raw, and barely audible.
Xander stepped closer, his face one huge smile as he touched my hand. “The
burns just faded away after he died. Buffy's already begging to be let out
of the hospital.” He paused as he settled into a chair beside me. “You
were so brave. You saved her life.” His eyes clouded over as he held
on tightly to my hand. “I was so afraid that I would fail.”
I swallowed, feeling all the love I felt for him warm my body. “You
didn’t. You saved me.”
Xander was quiet for a minute, his head hanging down. When he looked up,
his eyes were filled with an emotion I couldn't name. “What happens
now?”
I let my head fall back against the bed, staring up at the ceiling as I thought
about his question. I didn’t know the answer to it; I wasn’t even
sure what he wanted me to say. So I took the safe way out, and spoke lightly.
“Well, we'll all keep in better contact, that's for sure.”
“You're going back to LA with Angel.” It wasn’t a question,
so I didn’t say anything. I couldn't stay here, Angel needed me, and
I needed to help him. “I wish I had never seen you again.” Xander
said almost violently, dropping my hand as if it was poison. He stood quickly,
knocking the chair over in his rush to leave the room. I watched him go with
tears streaming down my face, wondering why it was that I always said the
wrong thing to him.
Willow’s words ran through my head, and I wished that I had told him
how I feel. Maybe it would make my leaving easier for him, if he knew the
real reason I couldn't stay. Xander may not have gotten over me, but he never
loved me with the intensity that I loved him. And no matter how much I had
grown, I couldn't live without that kind of love. I couldn't. But I wished
desperately that I could. Closing my eyes again I fell back to sleep.
The sound of the door opening woke me, and I opened my eyes slowly. A smile
crossed my face as Buffy made her way towards my bed. She was dressed in
new clothes, and moving carefully, but she was here. She smiled as she closed
the distance between us. “Cordelia. I had to see you. To thank you.
I thought I was going to die.”
smiled even wider, forgetting myself as I answered. “Angel wouldn't
let that happen.”
A spasm of pain crossed her face, and her smile faltered before she regained
control. Righting the chair that Xander had knocked over, she sat down in
it and grabbed my hand. “It's good to see you.”
I searched her face to see if she was just being nice, but I couldn't see
any falseness there. “It's good to see you too.” I was surprised
to find that I meant it, I had missed being around them, missed having more
than one friend, even if we hadn’t been good friends.
“Have you seen Angel yet?” She whispered his name, like it was
too painful to say aloud.
I shook my head, wondering where he was. I couldn't imagine him not being
here to make sure she was okay. The sun had set; there was no reason for
him to stay away. Worry began to pool in my stomach, and I sat up in bed
and swung my legs over the edge. My skin stung as it moved against the sheets
and I grimaced.
“It's like a bad sunburn.” Buffy offered, holding out her hand
to help me up.
“I can live with that.” I whispered, remembering how bad things
had looked in the cave.
“So can I.” Buffy agreed fervently. Then she averted her eyes from
me, her voice low as she spoke again. “Are you going to find him?”
“Yes.” I answered, feeling awkward about the change in our roles.
She was his life, and she couldn't go to him. I knew it, and she knew it.
The sadness hung over her like a shroud, and I touched her shoulder gently.
“He loves you.”
“And I love him.” Buffy replied immediately in a forlorn voice.
“I tried to date, tried to get over him, but I can’t. And I know
I never will.”
I knew how that felt, I was losing hope that I could ever replace Xander
in my heart. Buffy handed me a bag, and I opened it to find a change of clothes.
Smiling gratefully at her, I dressed as quickly as I could. She watched me
silently, but her thoughts weren't in the room with me.
When I was dressed and heading for the door she grabbed my arm, pulling me
around to face her. Her hand shook on my arm as she spoke. “Will you
tell him to come to me.” Her voice broke slightly. “I need him.
I need to talk to him.” The desperation and vulnerability in her voice
frightened me as I nodded my head and left the room.
I hailed a cab, and gave him the name of our Motel. My stomach was rolling
nervously as I paid him and stepped out. Straightening my shoulders, I walked
into the lobby and headed to our room. I knocked on the door softly and then
louder when he didn’t answer. After I had knocked for over fifteen minutes,
I began to get mad. I knew he was in there, and he wasn’t getting me
to leave that easily. I spoke to him in a loud voice, knowing that he could
hear me even if I didn’t. “Open the door Angel. I know you're in
there, and I’m not leaving.”
“Cor?” His voice drifted back to me, and I shook my head
affectionately.
“I’ll see you later okay? I just need some time.” He really
was foolish sometimes, I wasn’t leaving, and he knew that as well as
I did.
“Open it Angel, or I’m going to get Buffy.” That worked. I
could hear his feet slamming onto the floor, and then walking heavily to
the door. He flung it open, looking at me with angry eyes.
“Can’t you give me one night of peace? Everyone is safe now.”
He almost growled the words as he turned and walked back to his bed. He sat
down on the edge of it and stared at me.
I went over and sat down beside him. “It's okay Angel. I saw her, she's
fine. There won’t be any scarring.”
“I know that.” He whispered through gritted teeth. “Do you
think I would have left her if I didn’t?”
“So why did you?” I asked him gently, rubbing my hand along his
arm to calm him.
Angel pushed my hand away, turning to look at me, his eyes shining with tears.
“Because she woke up and she looked at me.” I waited, not understanding
why he was so upset. He noticed my confusion and grabbed my shoulders, his
eyes burning into me as he explained. “She looked up at me, and I could
see how much she loved me.”
“And that's bad?” His fingers were going to leave bruises in my
shoulders, but I didn’t pull away.
“Don’t you see?” Angel yelled at me, letting go of my shoulders
and pacing the room like an angry lion. “She loves me as much as I love
her.” He slammed his hand down on the desk, the wood breaking in a loud
crack. “She's never going to be happy. Never. This is my punishment,
not hers. It's my curse, my evil.” His voice was wild and uneven, and
I shrunk back from it. He seemed to sense my fear, because he stopped moving,
coming to kneel in front of me. His voice was pleading as he
spoke again. “Can’t you see what I've stolen from her? The life
that my life prevents her from having.”
I reached out, running my fingers through his thick hair as he buried his
face in my lap and cried. “You are her life Angel. She needs you.”
Tears filled my eyes as I listened to him sob. It wasn’t fair, but it
was real. He couldn't have a life with Buffy any more than I could have a
life with Xander. Not that there was any comparison between us, they loved
each other, and if they could be together, they would be. My voice was thick
with tears when I spoke again. “She needs you.”
His tears stopped slowly, but he remained with his head on my lap. I kept
my fingers running soothingly through his hair, wishing I could do more.
He moved away finally, his eyes still sad, but calm. He stood in a quick
graceful movement that I envied and nodded his head at me. I watched him
silently as he pulled on his jacket and moved towards the door. He stopped
with his hand on the doorknob and turned back to me. “Thank you. For
this, and for last night.” And then he was gone, and I
was alone again.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter Thirteen
When I woke the next morning Angel still hadn’t returned. The birds
were chirping loudly outside my window and the sky was clear and bright.
I smiled at the empty bed beside mine, knowing he was safe with Buffy. They
deserved to have what little time they could together.
Climbing out of bed, I stretched, the burns only hurting the tiniest bit.
For some reason I felt happy and new, like all my past mistakes had finally
been paid for. The world was safe from one more demon, and I was alive. I
looked in the mirror, smiling at my reflection. Maybe being attractive
wasn’t the most important thing in the world, but it didn’t hurt.
I took a quick shower, and feeling way too full of energy to sit in the room
I decided to take a walk. I didn’t even bother putting makeup on before
I went. I wandered through Sunnydale, smiling as I passed familiar sites.
I wasn’t paying any attention to where I was going and before I knew
it I was at the docks.
A small smile lit my face as I remembered the day I had spent with Xander
here. We had been so happy, and I had been so sure that he was falling in
love with me. Of course, it wasn’t long after that I had found him with
Willow. I pushed the thought from my head, refusing to dwell on the reality
of my relationship with Xander; today I just wanted to think of the good
times.
I continued wandering along the pier, stopping only to buy an ice cream cone
from one of the vendors that cluttered the wharf. I licked it slowly, remembering
the one that Xander and I had shared. I remembered the feel of his cold lips
on mine, and the tightness of his embrace. My eyes filled with tears as I
thought of living the rest of my life without feeling them again.
I walked over to a bench, keeping my head low so that no one could see the
tears in my eyes. When I lifted my head, I saw him. He was sitting on the
bench, his eyes looking in the opposite direction. I froze, not knowing if
I should walk away, but then I was walking towards him. I sat down lightly
and he turned, his face hardening as he saw me.
“Xander,” I greeted him, thinking that he was as handsome in the
day as he was in the night.
“Are you following me?” His voice was harsh, like it had been when
I first got back.
“Of course,” I replied harshly, feeling hurt by the tone in his
voice. “I’m a stalker.” He turned away from me, and I told
myself to get up and walk away. There wasn’t any point in trying to
talk to him, the only thing I had to offer him was myself, and I wasn’t
exactly his favorite person. I stood, and then sat back down. I deserved
an explanation, and I was going to get one. He didn’t just get to hate
me for no reason. “Why do you hate me so much? When I left…I
thought…I thought we had made
peace.”
He didn’t turn back, and I thought he wasn’t going to answer me.
Hurt swirled in my body as I stared out at the water and waited. “I
thought we loved each other.”
I turned back to him, shocked by the pain in his voice. “We did. I told
you I loved you.”
“You also told me that you couldn't do it any more. That you couldn't
deal with vampires, demons and Slayers. You told me that you wanted a normal
life.” His voice was bitter, and full of rage. He turned to face me,
his eyes glistening in the sun. “You told me that you were leaving the
nightmare behind, not me.”
“I was.” I mumbled, unable to believe that I had hurt him. “When
I left Sunnydale I had no intention of ever facing another demon. But you
were right when you said that I couldn't ignore it, that knowing the truth
meant you had to do something.”
“Then why didn’t you come back here to fight?” It was a good
question, and I wasn’t sure of the answer. Or else I was, but I didn’t
want to admit it to him. “Why did you cut yourself off from us…from
me?”
It was the pain in his voice that made me tell him the truth. “I left
because I loved you too much to be around you. Because I couldn't let go
of the jealousy I felt towards Buffy, towards Willow. I couldn't bear to
be with you, and not really be who you wanted.” My voice broke, and
I looked away from him as tears spilled down my face.
He moved closer to me, his arm wrapping around me as I cried. I leaned into
him, breathing in the scent of him in huge gulps. The anger was gone from
his voice when he spoke again. “I loved you. Only you. Buffy and Willow
are my friends. That's it.”
I was happy and heartbroken at the same time as I listened to him speak.
He had loved me, and I had lost him. I had let my insecurity tear me away
from him, and now I had to live with it. I pulled away from him, looking
him in the eye as I prepared to let him go for good this time. “I’m
sorry. I wish I had been stronger.” He brushed the tears from my face,
and I leaned into his palm, trying to hold onto the feeling as long as I
could. “I love you.” The words came from my mouth before I could
stop them, and I froze in horror as a strange expression came over his face.
“Say that again,” he ordered, his fingers gripping my hands tightly.
I swallowed; deciding that I was in so deep there was no use in lying. “I
love you.” My voice was louder this time, and I blushed as a couple
walking by turned to look at us. I only could pray that they were gone by
the time he told me he didn’t love me.
“Still?” he questioned softly.
“Always,” I answered, my eyes meeting his again. I suddenly
didn’t care that he knew, I felt free. I wasn’t pretending any
more.
His hands softened their grip on mine, and I averted my eyes, steeling myself
for what would come next. His fingers moved gently over my hand, and butterflies
formed in my stomach. He lifted one hand and placed it under my chin, forcing
me to look at him again. “I love you too.”
And the world stopped. I stared at him in disbelief as a smile took over
his face. I smiled back, my body trembling as I began to speak. “You
love me?” My voice shook, and tears filled my eyes as I stared at him,
willing him to say it was true.
“Never stopped.” Xander admitted, pulling me into a hug. I clung
to him, unable to believe that this was happening. Could it be this easy?
Could I just believe his words, and let my heart do the rest?
No. I couldn't. I needed to know more, I needed to know that I was the only
one he wanted, and that there were no doubts in his mind. I wasn’t Buffy
or Brina, I was never going to save the world. Well, okay, there was last
night, but I wasn’t planning on doing that again any time soon. I couldn't
look at him though, as I spoke to him again, keeping my face burrowed in
his neck. “How much?”
He kissed the top of my head, and answered. “So much that it scares
me.”
I pulled back, letting myself look at him. I searched his eyes, trying to
find any hint that he wasn’t sure. He let me look, his eyes wide and
clear. I smiled finally, leaning in until my face was pressed against him.
“Good.”
He pulled back, looking into my face with an innocent grin. “Want to
find a broom closet somewhere?”
I laughed again, loving him even more. “I've matured some Xander. I
can kiss in public now.”
His lips moved closer to mine, and his breath brushed across my face. I leaned
forward, my mouth opening as our lips met. I melted into the kiss, my body
pressing tightly against his as I got drunk on the taste of him. When we
finally broke apart, we were both breathing heavily. “I knew it was
good…”
“But now it's even better,” he finished for me, his arms running
up and down my arms. I shivered with desire as he touched me, my breathing
quick and shallow. He kissed me again, a soft, gentle kiss, and then he pulled
away, not looking at me as he spoke. “What happens next?”
Reality strikes. “I can’t just leave Angel on his own.” I
whispered, hoping that he understood. I couldn't bear to be this close to
having him and then lose him again.
He nodded, still not looking at me. “I have to stay here. Brina isn't
strong enough, and Buffy needs me too.”
“I know.” My voice was low, and I was on the edge of tears again.
“LA isn't that far a drive.” He said finally, and I lifted my head
to look at him.
“No, it isn't.” I smiled at him, and he smiled back, pulling me
into his embrace again.
It wouldn't be easy, I knew that. We couldn't just pick up where we had left
off, not that I wanted to. I just wanted him. I couldn't pretend that I was
never going to be jealous of his devotion to Buffy again, and I was worried
about the fact that we could never seem to admit how we felt unless we had
just faced death. But now, today, I was in his arms, and it was home.
FIN
Feedback