I sputtered to myself in the quiet of my office as I watched Willow talk to Xander and Cordelia. Unable to grasp the concept that was pushing it's way into my mind, I shook my head determinedly. "No... It's-- It's not possible. I don't love Willow. My heart is always with Jenny. Willow is like a daughter to me." But even saying those last words I cringed, knowing in my heart they weren't true.
Willow laughed at something Xander said and I watched intently as Cordelia tugged on her sleeve. Willow leaned down to where Cordelia was sitting and listened to something with great interest. Suddenly her spine snapped up straight and she looked through the window of my office.
Her eyes caught mine and I instantly lowered my gaze. Questions soared through my mind at an appalling pace. Would she think I was demented? Would she even understand the entire dream, though I hadn't really explained what happened to Cordelia or Xander? Would she understand? Would she love me back?
I shook that last thought out of my mind, refusing to even allow myself to wonder. Willow's eyes were round and gentle with compassion as she left the two sitting at the table and walked into my office. Staring at me for a moment from the doorway, it looked like her eyes were filled with tears. She set her bag down on a table and headed to where I was.
Sitting down, she placed her hand on my arm and spoke softly. "Would you like to tell me about it? You don't have to, Giles, but I thought it might help... I loved her too." My throat closed against tears that invaded. Such a simple offer she gave me. Such an honest statement. I opened my mouth to talk.
Instead I started to weep. Unabashedly crying in front of her, for two things that I suddenly knew with certainty that I could never have. I placed my head in my arms. Her thin arms slid over my shoulders and her hand stroked the back of my head soothingly. Murmuring words of comfort to me, she leaned in close, and I could feel the warmth of her breath on my cheek.
I lifted my head and took out my handkerchief with a trembling hand. I started muttering apologies. "I'm sorry, Willow.... I've never.. I mean, I--"
She cut me off, shushing me as she took my handkerchief from me and slowly brought her fingers up to my face, wiping away the tears. My breath caught as she finished and we looked at each other for a long, long time. Her eyelids lowered invitingly and I leaned in without realizing it.
She stood, quickly and abruptly, knocking her chair over. "I'm... I'm sorry, Giles. I didn't mean to... knock the chair over." A warm pink was filling her cheeks. I could feel my own getting hot. I mentally berated myself. She must think I'm a perverse old man. Whatever made me think that her eyes almost closing meant that she wanted me to kiss her?
Shit.
She stood nervously, avoiding my eyes. I had to say something. "I'm sorry, Willow. I'm sure that looked like something that I didn't even intend." Damn liar. She looked up at me, her eyes wide as she listened to my mumbled and embarrassed apologies. "I've just..." I trailed off, sighing. "I've had a very long, hard day. Your comfort was much appreciated."
At that, her eyes warmed a bit, and she lost most of her nervous, agitated look. She picked up her chair and placed it back where it had been. Sitting down heavily, she looked at me, almost sadly. I was sure she felt bad for me at the thought that I was losing my mind...
Her sigh mirrored mine. "It's okay, Giles. I just thought... I don't know what I thought," she mumbled. "I don't know what I was thinking. Would you like to tell me about the dream?"
I shook my head, but spoke. "I was thinking about Jenny last night as I often do, and suddenly she was there. Just as I imagined, and have every night since her death." She looked at me and took my hand tightly in her own, her eyes urging me on. "She was in my arms when I fell asleep. But gone when I woke up. And I don't understand--" My voice was suddenly choked, for the woman that was squeezing my hand, or the woman that I had lost years ago, and again that morning, I didn't know.
Willow placed her hand flat on my cheek. "I know."
I leaned in against her palm, taking all the support she was offering for whatever reason. Finally pulling away and standing, I gestured to the book. "This damn book tells me nothing except that she may or may not come back and that I may or may not ever be free of her." Running my hands through my hair in frustration, I looked at her and was surprised to see a slight smile form on her face. "What?"
"Nothing... Just maybe you shouldn't give up hope too soon. I can still look on the computer. Giles, you're so funny when you don't know something."
I found a brief, sincere smile and flashed it at her, widening it when she grinned back.
We walked out of the office to see Xander, Cordelia, and Buffy staring at us. I didn't notice Buffy come in, so I wondered how long I had been unaware of them looking at Willow and me. I didn't wonder for long.
"Soooo...." Xander drawled smugly. My face flushed again, and I couldn't find any words to stop what he was about to say. "You two looked pretty cozy in there. Have fun? ....How long you guys been an item?" He finished, making Buffy and Cordelia laugh.
I glared at him, taking back all the proud thought of him I'd had earlier that day. What bothered me most wasn't that I was embarrassed, or even that Willow was. It was that he had just spoke something that I wanted. And couldn't have.
"Don't be absurd," I snapped harshly. Willow seemed to flinch, and Xander's eyes shined with a sudden hurt. I instantly regretted my tone.
"I'm sorry," I amended. "Willow was just trying to comfort me in there. I had a breakdown of sorts." I didn't like saying that, even though it was the truth, but I could see no other way to dodge Xander's words. "Over Jenny," I explained at the confused looks on their faces.
The remains of the smiles fled and Buffy looked at me in concern. I could tell she was trying to curb the instinct to hunt something, kill something for me. I smiled to reassure her and was glad when she relaxed.
Willow sat down at the computer. Her fingers flew over the keys for only moments it seemed when it beeped. She read aloud. "Ghosts of this nature are reputed to be persistent beings, showing up night after night. Cases have been reported where ghosts actually know their origin. Most refuse to reveal it, fearing true death, and the release of life on Earth. Without a focus, humans can be convinced of anything the ghosts say." She turned to me and said softly, "I told you we would find something."
Buffy nodded curtly. "Now all you gotta do is see her tonight and ask her."
I shook my head. "I asked her last night if she knew... She told me that she--"
"Didn't?" Xander guessed. "Maybe she said that because she feared what you would do if you knew," he suggested softly. Thinking his words, over I nodded slowly.
Buffy had the tense look of a feline hunter. Every inch of her radiated power and grace-- And business. I was flattered that she was so serious about this. "You can't be there alone, Giles. Jenny would end up convincing you that she didn't know anything." She stopped and looked down angrily. "And I can't do it. I'm sorry, Giles, this pisses me off, but someone is in town that I haven't seen in a long time... Never mind. I'll cancel." I shook my head.
"No. Angel is in town, and you haven't seen him in nearly two years. Xander, Cordelia?" They looked at me and then back at their hands. Sharing a special look and then a sigh, Cordelia spoke.
"Okay, I can do it. My plans weren't that important," she said with a sly glance at Xander. I rolled my eyes heavenward, angry at myself for interrupting a night between them that was obviously going to be very special.
A small voice cut in. "I'll do it. I don't have any plans made. I'll just stay with Giles tonight and keep him focused." All eyes went to Willow who was looking at me thoughtfully.
Cordelia, Xander, and Buffy grinned and spoke in unison. "Great!"
I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe.