I rushed into the library that day with the demeanor of a man three hours late for work-- Which I was. The night had thrown me so off course, exceeding all my dreams, and the morning all my nightmares.
When I had finally recovered from the shock enough to get out of bed, I threw on clothes without looking at them, and began my search. I left no room untouched, even going as far as to look under beds and in closets. I knew, of course, that she was gone, but something in me wouldn't stop until I had exhausted every source of hope.
I didn't like not understanding what was going on. Understanding, and everything that that word implies, is what I've been trained to do since birth. Finding out what was going on, working through it, that's what I had become good at. It's what I did.
But I didn't understand this.
Cordelia, having returned to Sunnydale from LA only weeks prior, was in the library waiting for me when I arrived. I stopped breathlessly as she looked at me with lifted eyebrows.
"Wow, Giles. Ditching school. I didn't know you had it in you." Her smile belied her tone, and for a moment I was surprised, still not used to the new, softer, more mature version of Cordelia. She stopped smiling after a moment and peered at me. "Um, Giles?"
Nervousness took hold of my tongue. "Y-yes?"
"Your fly is undone, your hair isn't combed and your socks don't match," she informed me. "Is everything okay?"
I blushed at that, knowing that I would have to explain *something,* but not quite finding the right way to go about it. I was completely out of sorts, and ungracefully blurted the first words that came into my head.
"No, quite not. Jenny came to see me last night." Cordelia's eyes widened in concern and her mouth quirked up.
"And... What happened?" She asked delicately.
I started sputtering like a fool. "Well... Nothing, of course. I mean, she came to be with me. That's not what I meant. No, I think-- I'm sure it was her, Cordelia. Must you question me?" I felt feverish.
Cordelia's lifted eyebrows vaulted another notch. "Oh. Well, Giles. I mean, I often have dreams like that too... About things I can't have." Her voice was softer as Xander entered and looked at us. I was tense, so I barely noticed the look she gave him, or the look he gave me.
"No!" I burst out. "Damnit. That's not what I mean. It wasn't a dream. I think she may have been a ghost... Though I'm not sure if that's entirely possible. I suppose nothing is *impossible* here, but..." I trailed off at the smile on Xander's face. He was clearly perplexed as to why I was ranting like an idiot.
"Hey, Giles. What's up? Why the Look?" He paused and grinned. "Notice that I stress the word look. Are you about to have a heart attack or something? If so, let me know so I can stop making jokes."
I shook my head, calming down slightly at the familiar banter. "No. I was just explaining to Cordelia that I was visited by a ghost last night."
"Was it a pirate ghost? 'Cause I hear they do that sometimes. Maybe if he visits you tonight, you can pump him for info on the buried treas--" Cordelia cut him off.
"It was Jenny." Xander's smile disappeared and he looked at me seriously.
"Oh. Sorry, Giles." I sighed.
"Nothing to be sorry for, Xander. I just need to research... This. I'm- I'm quite confused over why she came back, and how." Xander and Cordelia nodded. "Um, I think there'll be plenty of research on the computer, Xander, do you know if Willow will be coming in today?"
Xander nodded. His voice was softer, almost compassionate when he spoke. I had been noticing that a lot of him lately, how his boyish nature was quickly growing up. I brushed away the feelings of pride that I couldn't afford to be thinking about and listened to him. "Not until later. She has a special class or something this morning. For students who are excelling." I looked down at his words.
"So," he continued, noticing my despair and not missing a beat, "We'll have to do this the old fashioned way for now."
Again, sitting in front of books for hours had brought me nothing but an ache in my back. There were two small leads, but nothing that sounded enough like what happened for me to pursue. I sighed tiredly, taking off my glasses and rubbing my eyes.
A soft shout made me jerk my head up. Cordelia stood in a swirl of white fabric and walked quickly to me, thrusting a book in front of my face. "I think I have it," she proclaimed breathlessly.
"What is it?"
She pointed to various spots on a page. "See here. I was looking through this book of dreams and their meanings, not really expecting to find anything, but I wanted to try anyway, and I found nearly a whole chapter on dream resurrection." She started reading aloud from the text.
"When a score has not been settled, and one aligns their dreams with another's, the dream itself may come about. If one party is deceased, they will be resurrected in body for the duration of the living dream, and taking away once sleep again ensues. This works best if the living party's heart is starting to turn away from the deceased. These dreams are usually sexual in natu--" I cut Cordelia off as she turned to me with a knowing look.
"That'll be all, thank you Cordelia." She smirked and handed the book to me and left the room as I continued to skim the page.
"These dreams are usually sexual in nature, and follow the thought patterns of the one who loved them. Thoughts where the living's heart is straying from being faithful. These living dreams will take place two to three years after the death of a loved one. While no conclusions have been come to concerning the reason, much speculation has been made. These dreams have only been known to happen when a heart is moving on. A way of staying alive, some say. Reasons have not been figured out for the reason the ghost decides to leave. Some do and some don't, remaining forever." I trailed to a stop and sat back heavily in my chair, a deep frown plastered on my face.
I was confused again. More than once, the book had mentioned that it was necessary for a heart to be moving on for a person to be resurrected through a dream. My heart wasn't moving on, I assured myself. I loved only Jenny. I probably always would. There was no one I had ever met that had made me feel the way that she...
I looked out my office window and saw Willow bound through the library doors with the exuberance only she possessed. Her hair, falling a little past her shoulders shined auburn and I felt my stomach twist up in the ache that was starting to accompany seeing her.
Suddenly my eyes flashed to the book, and back to Willow, who was smiling at Xander and Cordelia. My word came out as a breath.
"Oh."