Notes/Disclaimer: This story takes place just after School Hard, and refers to events in that story. It's rated PG, basically the same sort of thing you'd see on the show: fighting scenes, vampires threaten to do nasty things, there's mild sexual innuendo, etc. All characters in this story belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, WB, FOX, etc., or other appropriate copyright holders, except for those original characters I made up myself. Also, the title is taken from an episode of "The New Avengers".
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A typical evening in Sunnydale: Buffy Summers is confronting a vampire. "Darn, no one told me this was a formal slaying," Buffy said, taking in the vampire's classic Dracula-style tuxedo, "I would have worn my white dress. You know, I killed the Master wearing that dress; I was wearing the dress, that is, not the Master."
The vampire did not appear to appreciate this; with a cry of "Die, Slayer!" he lunged at Buffy. The two wrestled; Buffy dropped her stake, but managed to toss the vampire away onto his back. Buffy tried to recover her stake before the vampire could attack her again, but she was interrupted; two more vampires showed up. "Will you guys PLEASE pick a dress code?" she complained; the two new vampires were in outfits with a punk flavor.
Buffy considered making a tactical retreat, rather than try to handle all three vampires at once, but there was no need; only one of the two new vampires went for Buffy, while the other, strangely, attacked the tuxedo'd vampire that Buffy had originally been fighting.
Buffy only had time for a "What...?" before being thoroughly occupied with fighting the punk vampire. After assorted punching and throwing and all, Buffy got her stake and finished him off. She looked around; the second punk vampire had succeeded in killing the tuxedo'd vampire, and was fleeing.
"Wait up, you; what's going on here?" she called, but the vampire disappeared from sight before she could catch it.
"Well, that was definitely not the usual thing," Buffy muttered. "Okay, I'll admit it's BETTER if some of the vampires are killing each other rather than me having to kill them all, saves me some work, less chance of getting Slayer's elbow and all that, though even MORE better would be if they weren't all still trying to kill ME, thank you very much, but it's still, you know, 'Huh?' Definitely, ask Giles at school tomorrow about this. He must have some prophecy about the vampires getting really confused about who's supposed to be doing the vampire-slaying around here. And if Angel's at the Bronze tonight, he might know what's going on; maybe they still send him his copy of 'Who Vampires Are Supposed to Kill Today'."
When Buffy got to the Bronze, she didn't see Angel, but she did see Willow and Xander there. "Hi guys, have you seen Angel around?" Buffy asked them, keeping her voice down. "I was out fighting this vampire, and then something weird happened."
"Something weird?" Xander asked. "You know, I remember when a vampire would be enough to count as weird all by itself. Ah, those innocent days of youth."
"Maybe it's like computers," Willow offered. "One year you're fighting a 100 mega-Hertz vampire, with 16 mega-bytes of weirdness, and it seems really weird enough for anything, but next year everybody's fighting 200 mega-Hertz vampires with 32
Meg of weirdness, and your old vampire seems obsolete."
"Okay, nostalgia, computers, got all that, but anyway, I was fighting this vampire, and then two other vampires show up, and one of THEM starts fighting me, but the other one starts fighting the vampire that I WAS fighting, and by the time I killed the vampire that I was fighting now, the other vampire had killed the vampire that I was fighting before, and then that vampire, I mean the vampire that killed the vampire that I was fighting before the two vampires showed up, that vampire ran away before I could stop him."
"Could you repeat the part after 'I was fighting this vampire'? Or maybe make a diagram?" Xander asked. "Because I think I lost track of at least one vampire in all that."
"Never mind the details," Buffy said with exasperation. "The thing is, we've got some vampires out there killing each other, and while that's probably a GOOD thing, I'd like to know why. So if I could ask Angel about it..."
"Speak of the, um, demon, there he is," Xander said, pointing to the door. Angel was just coming in to the Bronze. He spotted Buffy, and came over to her, but Buffy didn't get a chance to ask him anything. Angel interrupted her question with, "Buffy, there's a war going on between the vampires, and if we don't do something, this whole town could be destroyed."
"Angel, start from the beginning. A war between vampires? And how is the whole town in danger?" Buffy asked.
"I've just found out that Spike killed the Anointed One. This turned one group of vampires, the Ancients, against him, while another group, the Moderns, are supporting him. Open fighting has broken out between the two factions."
"And they're killing each other? I ran into some of them earlier," Buffy said.
"This may be a stupid question," Xander said, "but isn't vampires being killed a GOOD thing? You know, 'the only good vampire is a dead vampire', er, a deader vampire, er, 'the only good vampire is a stake-through-the-heart, little pile of dust dead vampire'." After a second, he looked at Angel and grudgingly added "Okay, present company excluded. Let's, you know, Prime Directive this one. We don't interfere, lots of vampires kill each other, and everybody's happy, except maybe the vampires, and they never cared if we were happy."
"Xander's got a point, Angel," Buffy said. "Why DO we need to do anything about this? I'll just take a few days off, maybe catch up on my studying, and let the vampires slay each other for a change. It's not like we have to worry about innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire during a drive-by biting, right?"
"Actually, we do have to worry about that. You see, under normal circumstances, vampires are very selective about converting humans into vampires. It's considered a great gift, not to be bestowed lightly."
"You know, this Christmas, let's NOT exchange gifts," Xander interjected.
"I've never said that I considered it a gift," Angel said. "In a war like this, however, there's always the temptation to convert more humans into vampires, to create a larger army. Sooner or later, one side will do it, the other will do the same thing in response, the first side will convert even more humans, and it will just keep growing. If the war doesn't end, eventually Sunnydale will consist of nothing but warring vampires and blood-drained corpses."
"Okay, that's VERY not good," Buffy said. "Definite 10 on the not good scale."
"I thought 10 was the Hellmouth opens and the world comes to an end. That's even worse than just the town being destroyed," Xander commented.
"How about 10 for the whole world, 9 for California sinks into the sea, 8 for Sunnydale is destroyed, 7 for multiple murders, and 6 for just one murder," Willow suggested.
"And we use 5 or less for failing a test, romantic heartbreak, and various non-lethal injuries," Xander added.
Buffy was looking at the two of them. "Okay, so this is a level EIGHT really bad thing. What do we DO about it? Angel?" But Angel had disappeared. "Right, leave warning, go away, no small talk. That's why vampires don't have reflections; they don't hang around long enough to CAST a reflection. So, guys; how do we stop a vampire war?"
"We could, um, let's see, we could have a protest march," Xander offered. "My mom was in one when she was younger."
"And we could carry signs," Willow suggested. "How about 'Vampires Suck'? Or 'Drink Milk, Not Blood'?"
"And that will stop the war?" Buffy asked skeptically.
"Well, um, there won't be public support for the vampires, or was it that they won't be able to draft people to become vampires, I know my mom explained how it worked sometime," Xander replied.
"I think I'd better go talk to Giles," Buffy said.
"Because he knows about protest marches?" Xander asked.
"Because he knows about VAMPIRES," Buffy answered. "He'll look through his ancient copy of 'How to Stop Vampires from Fighting Wars', and find a prophecy or whatever, something I can do to stop this."
"Something WE can do," Xander corrected her. "This is one that we're a part of, like it or not."
"Xander, there's a WAR going on out there, even if we can't see it happening yet," Buffy said. "You two..."
"We two live here," Xander interrupted. "This town may really suck sometimes, but it's our home."
"Our families, our friends, everyone we know; they could all be in danger," Willow added. "We have to help stop it."
And besides," Xander said, "it is only a level 8 disaster; we've already faced a 10."
"Okay," Buffy said, giving up, "let's ALL go see Giles."
Soon, Buffy, Xander, and Willow arrived at Giles' apartment. "Giles! Crisis management time! Something big and nasty is going down!" Buffy said as soon as the three were let in.
Willow, more apologetically, said "We're not disturbing you, are we?", pointing at a table which contained the remains of a meal for two.
Xander looked at the table. "Giles! My man! So, is Ms. Calendar the lucky lady, or have you been hiding someone else from us?"
"Rather than discussing my love life, why don't you explain what major crisis it is that brought you here?" Giles replied. "Buffy?"
"Wait a minute," Buffy said, "I want to hear about this love life of yours first. After all, you get to hear all about our love lives."
"Mainly because every time one of you has a date, it becomes either an excuse for Buffy to avoid her duties as Slayer, or a reason for her to perform them," Giles answered with exasperation.
"Well, yes, but still, there's a principle here," Buffy said. "You get to hear about us, so we get to hear about you. It's the, you know, Hearing Principle."
"Come on, Giles," Xander added, "spill it. You do want us to tell you about the really big, really vampire-related crisis, don't you?"
"Fine," Giles said wearily. "Ms. Calendar was here, we had dinner, then she left. Now, about the vampires..."
"Not so fast," Buffy interrupted. "None of that British stiff upper lip, never say how you feel routine. This is America, and we have ancient traditions for these things."
"Right," Xander said. "You, the one who had a date, are required to share with us, your dateless cronies, the intimate or embarrassing details. So share."
Giles tried appealing to Willow. "This is pointless. If there's a crisis we need to deal with..."
"Sorry, I don't, I can't, there's traditions," Willow stammered. "And I've only got one good excuse, and I need it for when they pump ME about a date."
"Oh, very well," Giles said, "if I must. Jenny came here for dinner. She brought along her portable computer, because she insists on trying to teach me how to use it. I accidentally did something wrong on it; I believe she said that I 'formatted the warp drive'."
"That's 'formatted the hard drive'," Willow automatically corrected, then "Oh my" as she realized what Giles had said. "That would erase all the data, all the programs,..."
"Yes, I found that out from her," Giles said testily. "I did take the opportunity to point out how you cannot accidentally erase the entire contents of a book by writing the wrong sentence in it, a distinct advantage, and she got annoyed and left. So, is that sufficient embarrassing detail to fulfill the ancient traditions of the American crony?"
"Good enough for a first try. A little more practice, and we'll have you confessing everything on Jenny Jones," Buffy said.
"Then can we now deal with the slightly more important topic of vampires?" Giles said.
"No, we still have to do the ceremonial giving of romantic advice," Buffy answered. "Xander, if you will."
"Giles, my man," Xander said. "I may not have lived as long as some people, or some walking dead, and I may not have been as successful with women as, well, anyone, but when it comes to saying the wrong thing and cheesing a woman off, I have a lifetime of experience."
"Girls in kindergarten used to dump finger-paint on Xander when he tried to talk to them," Willow said.
"Exactly," Xander continued. "While Mr. Watcher here was locked up in a library studying old books, I was out there, saying things that, looking back on them, were INCREDIBLY stupid. And I've learned one thing. When you get a woman upset at you, you have to stand up like a man and grovel as hard as you can."
"Definitely, groveling's your way to go," Buffy said. "Apologize to Ms. Calendar for everything, and beg for forgiveness."
"And don't forget to tell her how insensitive and stupid you were," Willow added.
"Right," Xander said, "nothing impresses a woman more than a man who admits what a total imbecile he is."
"Fine," Giles said, "I shall give your advice all the deliberation it deserves, considering its source. Now, if you're finished, could we possibly, just for a little while, talk about vampires, and whatever it is that brought you here in the first place."
"Right, vampires," Buffy said. "What happened was, I was out patrolling, and there were these three vampires, and besides trying to kill me, they were also killing each other."
"Each other. Why...? Giles started.
"Wait, it gets better," Buffy interrupted. "I met Angel at the Bronze, and he told me that there's a war between two groups of vampires. If the war goes on, he said, they'll start converting more and more humans into vampires, until everyone in town is either vamped or dead, so we have to find a way to stop it."
"These two groups of vampires; did Angel say who they were?" Giles asked.
"He called them the Ancients and the Moderns, whatever that means," Buffy answered.
"Ah, I thought so. I know that distinction," Giles said. "The Ancients are those vampires like the Master, who guide themselves by the prophecies. They make a point of following traditional ways, and reject any changes brought about by the modern world."
"Your kind of people, eh, Giles?" Xander asked.
"Hardly; they're also the ones who particularly want to open the Hellmouth and release the demonic forces to conquer the Earth. Anyway, as long as the Master was around, the Ancients faction was dominant over any opposition. With the Master and the other powerful vampires of his faction gone, I'd guess the remaining Ancients aren't able to keep the Moderns in line."
"And who are these Moderns?" Buffy asked.
"They're the vampires who are not enthusiastic about opening the Hellmouth. They don't want to destroy the modern world, they want to enjoy it. They reject prophecy and tradition; they just want to have fun. The teenagers of the vampire world, so to speak," Giles said, giving significant glances at Buffy and the other two.
"That doesn't sound so bad," Willow said.
"Perhaps I should be more precise, and describe them as the anti-social sort of teenager," Giles corrected. "Their idea of fun is violence, torture, and murder."
"And that's our friend Spike's bunch; Angel said the war started because Spike killed the Anointed One, and the Moderns supported him," Buffy said.
"That would do it," Giles said. "The Anointed One would have held great symbolism for the Ancients, as a figure of prophecy and an heir apparent to the Master."
"Wasn't the Anointed One a child?" Willow asked. "That's nasty even for Spike, to kill him."
"Don't shed too many tears for that 'child'," Buffy said. "You didn't know him like I did."
"Like you knew him?" Willow asked.
"Remember, he led me down to the Master, before that whole, uh, dying thing. I talked to him along the way; once Anointed Boy knew that I knew who he was, he started going on about what he was going to do after the Master opened the Hellmouth and they took over the world."
"That could provide valuable insights," Giles said interestedly. "What did he tell you?"
"I don't think it's that valuable," Buffy replied. "Our little Anointed One was planning to recreate all the really gory bits from his favorite horror movies, using an unlimited supply of actual victims. He thought it would be cool to see aliens really bursting out of people's chests, things like that. That kid was a cross between Bart Simpson and one of those historical 'The' guys."
"Was I out when we did 'The' guys in history?" Xander asked. "I think I missed it."
"You know, 'THE' guys" Buffy said. "All the really nasty history guys have a 'The'. Jack the Ripper, Attila the Hun..."
"Ivan the Terrible, Vlad the Impaler..." Willow offered.
"Oh, right," Xander said, "like Tony the Tiger."
"Tony the Tiger?" Buffy said incredulously.
"Hey, all that roaring was really upsetting when I was a child," Xander explained. "Besides, tigers don't eat cereal; they eat people. You invite Tony the Tiger for breakfast, you'll be HIS breakfast." Xander got a wicked grin on his face. "In fact, Tony the Tiger is wanted by the FBI; he's a..."
"If you say 'cereal killer' I'll have to stake you," Buffy said. Xander shut up. "Now," Buffy said, "what about this vampire war? Any good prophecies, Giles, preferably NOT including the phrase 'will kill the Slayer'?"
"The earlier Watcher diaries, from before the Master gained power, might be more fruitful," Giles said. "If there was similar infighting among the vampires back then, the Watcher and Slayer might have found a way to deal with it."
"Giles, I've been thinking about this," Willow said. "There's the two sides in the war, and then there's us, a third side. Could we somehow use that? Be a neutral power and, well, negotiate a peace treaty, stop the war?"
"I don't know, Will," Buffy said. "Something like 'I'm the Slayer and I want to kill all of you, but until I do, stop killing each other'? That's sort of not persuasive."
"Here's a thought," Xander said. "Let's make a deal with one side, and help them wipe out the other. That ends the war, all right."
"Make a deal? With VAMPIRES?" Buffy asked incredulously.
"They did it on Voyager, sort of," Xander pointed out. "They made a deal with the Borg to fight these other aliens. AND they got a real babe ex-Borg out of the deal."
"Right, we make a deal, and you get a date with a gorgeous lady vampire, is that it?" Buffy asked.
"What, only you get to lust after vampires?" Xander retorted.
"Not vampires, plural, just Angel, and I don't lust after him, I just, you know, have a sort of thing for him, and we weren't talking about Angel, and anyway, you're the one who wants to make deal with vampires."
"Actually," Giles said, "that may be a possibility."
"Giles, not you too," Buffy said. "They're vampires! You know, vicious, demons, like to make holes in your neck and remove your precious bodily fluids, vampires!"
"I know," Giles said; "I've known what vampires are like since before any of you were born. But in this instance, the potential advantages of having human allies might get them to cooperate. We can use weapons that vampires can't, go places and operate at times that they can't, plus the obvious advantages of having the Slayer aid them. As Willow said, we're the third side, the third player in the game, so to speak. We might be able to tilt the game to one side or the other, and end the war before things go too far."
"Giles, just who are we supposed to make a deal with?" Buffy asked. "Spike, who killed two Slayers and almost made it three, the third one being, you know, ME? Or the guys who followed the Master, who actually DID kill me? The thing both groups have in common is that their 'Things To Do Today' lists start off with 'Make Buffy Dead'!"
"There's a quotation from Winston Churchill, about his allying with Stalin after the German invasion of the Soviet Union. Churchill said, 'If I learned that Hell had gone to war with Germany, I would at least make a favorable reference to the devil in the House of Commons'." Giles paused. "Buffy, sometimes you have to take whatever allies you can get, when the danger you face is great enough. We can TRY to contain the situation, keep things under control until this war sorts itself out, but that may not work; we may have deal with one vampire group if that's the only way to end this."
"Okay, fine!" Buffy spat out. "We'll make a deal with them. But after the war's over, and things go back to so-called normal, then I get to kill them. Twice!"
"I'll, um, I'll see what I can arrange." Giles checked the time. "You three should be getting home; we don't need irate parents in addition to warring vampires. Tomorrow, Willow should start checking for deaths or disappearances that might be vampire conversions; we'll need to know if and when that starts getting out of hand. And if Buffy can eliminate any newly-created vampires as soon as possible, that may discourage the vampires from recruiting, as it were. I'll check my references, and talk to Angel; we'll need information on the vampires leading each side, if it does become necessary to work with one of them."
The three teens said good-bye and left, Buffy still muttering an occasional "But I don't WANT to work with any of them."
Left alone, Giles paused and looked at telephone thoughtfully, then finally picked it up and dialed. "Hello, Jenny? It's Rupert. I, um, I'm sorry for what happened, and what I said..."
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