Sheila walked over to Xander. "So, Xander, I haven't seen you in a while. Everyone at school miss me?"
"Well, um, ..." Xander began.
"Because I've kept in touch with them.," Sheila interrupted. "Or at least a couple of them. They were very, hmmm, juicy."
"Well, glad you've been, um, enjoying yourself, but I've really got to..."
"What's the rush, Xander? Some hot date? Though since you're carrying a purse around now," Sheila pointed to Buffy's pocketbook, which Xander was holding, "I guess not."
"Hey, that's not m..." Xander began indignantly, then he thought and continued, "not a purse. It's a men's, um, carrying bag. It's European; all the really macho stud-like guys in Europe have them."
"I'll just take it, anyway," Sheila said. She pulled the pocketbook from Xander's hand, and put it on a table.
Circe, meanwhile, had been examining Buffy. "This one may be more useful than I thought. This is the first time I've transformed a Slayer, and I was disappointed that she did not become something more formidable than a mere dog. Perhaps I underestimated her. I can use this one."
Sheila spoke up. "Hey, that's not the deal, lady. You don't get to use Buffy; your cut is that you're here and free, and not wherever old Greek myths hang out. In return, you were supposed to make Buffy and that boring Giles harmless; have Buffy off chasing rabbits and making out with every boy dog in Sunnydale, and stuff like that. If you get to have Buffy working for you, that's, um, that's like an extra payment. You'd have to do something ELSE for me."
"Do not presume to bargain with me, child," Circe replied. "You may be a vampire now, but I am Circe of Aeaea."
"Yeah, yeah, I know the routine," Sheila said. "You were queen of some little island smaller than Sunnydale is, and anybody who trespassed there got turned into a goat or something, until that Oddy guy came and beat you so badly that you got all hot for him."
"Do not speak such of Odysseus," Circe said.
"Hey, don't get all huffy with me," Sheila retorted. "Remember, I'm the one who brought you here."
"Actually, technically speaking, I was the one who brought Circe here, not you," came a voice from a staircase leading down. Dalton the vampire climbed the steps into the room, a large book in one hand.
"There you are," Sheila said to him. "Why DO you have to go out in the daytime?"
"I know safe routes," Dalton said. "And the bookstore's not open at night."
"Bookstore," Sheila repeated disgustedly. "While SHE'S busy playing nurse, WE'RE getting rid of the Slayer. How's THAT for instant status among vampires? And you spend your time out getting what, more Anne Rice?"
"I like Anne Rice," Dalton said mildly. "But this is non-fiction; it's a history of how different cultures interact. Certain sections are analogous to relations between humans and vampires, and I thought..."
"You can keep that stuff," Sheila told him. "I'm OUT of school now; I'm not looking at another text book ever again."
"But it IS interesting," Dalton said, "oh, well, never mind. What I was saying, however, is that, to get Circe here, I was the one who, well, performed the ceremony, and there was a lot of research I had to do, and..."
"Okay," Sheila interrupted. "But I'M the one who insisted you do all that stuff. And this WAS my idea in the first place."
"Well, I believe your exact words were 'Dalton, you're supposed to be the big brain here. Why don't YOU figure out something nasty to do to that bitch Buffy.' And while the particular term you used does relate to the specific metamorphosis that the Slayer has undergone, as a result of Circe's abilities, I don't think that qualifies to make it your idea."
"Hey, look," Xander interrupted, "I can see that you guys have a lot of issues to work out. Why don't Buffy and I just go now, and when all of you decide who gets the credit and everything, give me a call."
"Fat chance, Xander," Sheila said to him. "I've got dinner plans for you. Though if you're really lucky, maybe I'll have some fun with you before dinner. Unless Queen Circe here also wants YOU for her zoo."
"Judging by his prattling," Circe said, "all I'd get from him is a squawking parrot. That's hardly worth the effort."
"Hey," Xander said, "doesn't ANYBODY think I'd become something good? Some noble, heroic animal?"
"I'D go along with parrot, myself," a new voice from the steps said. As faces turned, Angel sprang from the steps into the room, and grabbed Circe.
"Hey," Sheila said, "what are YOU doing here?"
"Well, let's see, someone brought Circe here to get rid of the Slayer, that someone was probably a vampire, and the only one of you lot with the brains to bring her here is Dalton. And the obvious place in Sunnydale to find Dalton even has his name on it. So when I saw him coming from there I followed him, and here I am."
"You and your stupid B. Dalton's bookstore!" Sheila said to Dalton.
"Now, Circe," Angel said, "I want the potion to change Buffy back, NOW. Because I am VERY upset at what you did to her, and if you don't fix it, I'm going to stop restraining my violent side." As Circe slowly pulled something out of a pocket, Angel said, "And no tricks. One of the few good things about being a vampire is that your human-transforming potions won't affect me."
"No, they will not," Circe said. "That is why I have a vampire version, as well." She crushed the object in her hand, and a cloud of smoke sprang up.
When the smoke cleared, Circe was standing there, unchanged, but a large dog (an Irish wolfhound, to be exact) was sitting at her feet. Sheila had avoided the smoke, and was unaffected, but Dalton was less lucky; he was now a squirrel.
Circe gestured at the wolfhound. "And so you are my creature as well. Join the rest, until I decide whether to use you, or to punish you for your insolence in laying hands on me." Angel walked over to Buffy; the two dogs began sniffing each other.
"That's it for big bad vampire Angel?" Xander muttered. "The way this is going, maybe I should just shoot myself now. Especially since I do NOT want to watch Buffy and Angel when they decide to start making puppy love."
"Hey," Sheila said, "now you get to have Angel, too? That's so really unfair."
"If you insist on an exchange," Circe said, "then in return I shall restore your compatriot." She took out a squeeze bottle, and sprayed something on the squirrel, which immediately transformed back into Dalton.
"Yeah, like THAT'S enough," Sheila said. "You get Angel as a big tough dog, and I get the guy whose toughest threat is 'I like squirrels'."
"Nevertheless," Circe said, "our business is concluded. You are free of your Slayer and other enemies, and I have the first of MY forces. Perhaps they will guard a new Aeaea."
"Don't bet on it," yet another voice said, this time from the door. Jenny Calendar entered the room; following her closely was Cordelia, still carrying her dog Napoleon and the cage containing Giles the owl. "Okay, Circe," Jenny said, "I want you to restore everyone you've changed."
"Thank goodness you guys are here," Xander said. "And you DO have the stuff that protects you from Circe, right?"
Jenny held up some sort of plant. "Yes, I do. The magic herb moly, whose 'root is black and flower as white as milk'."
"So Circe can't harm us, and neither can her animals," Cordelia added.
"But does moly stop vampires?" Sheila said. She lunged at Jenny, and grabbed the moly away from her. "No, it doesn't," Sheila answered herself. She tossed the moly over on the table with Buffy's pocketbook.
Circe ordered, "Put them with the youth, my creatures. Circe commands it!" The cougar and jaguar herded Jenny and Cordelia over to where Xander was; Angel and Buffy were a bit preoccupied.
"Hey, don't look at me like that," Cordelia said to Xander, "no one told us there'd be vampires here, too".
"I am SO dead," Xander moaned, and Sheila just nodded at him, a nasty look on her face.
"This is like some fancy catered deal," Sheila said as she looked over Xander, Cordelia, and Jenny. "All these different choices to eat, and brought right to your door."
"Then if you think you've now gotten enough from our arrangement," Circe began, "I shall..." when Xander interrupted her.
"Wait, before you go, can I ask one favor?" Xander asked.
"You really like to push it, don't you?" Sheila said. "Oh, what the hey, maybe it'll be amusing. What do you want?"
"It's just, can she change Willow back to normal?" Xander asked Sheila. "Even if you, well, put the bite on Willow afterward, at least she'll be herself when it happens. She's so smart and all; for her to be just an animal is so, so..." He stopped. "And you remember how she was lookout for you when you started smoking, right? Can't you do something for her, just this once?"
"Okay, fine, if it'll shut you up," Sheila said. She looked at Cordelia, and added, "Come to think of it, Willow will go nicely with Cordy, here; I like sweet and sour." Cordelia said "Hey!" but Sheila ignored her, and turned to Circe. "Okay, how about it? Give one more quick spray with your stuff, and then we're even."
"Very well, if you insist," Circe replied, and walked over to them.
"So," Sheila said, "Willow's the little dog, right? Why'd you dress her up in that stupid general's outfit?"
"That is NOT Willow, that's Napoleon," Cordelia protested. "He's a real dog, and a very expensive and highly-pedigreed dog, at that. And do you know how much that 'stupid outfit' cost?"
"Not now, Cordy," Xander said through clenched teeth. "No," he said to Sheila, "I've got Willow right here." He reached in his shirt pocket, and pulled out the mouse, holding her tightly.
"Oh, now THAT'S Willow, all right," Sheila said. "Mousy as ever. Okay, Circe, do your stuff."
Circe pulled out her spray bottle, and Xander acted. He grabbed for the bottle, to try to spray Buffy with it. But instead he only succeeded in knocking it out of Circe's hand, onto the floor. And before he could move again, Sheila grabbed him by the throat. "You tried to TRICK me!" she yelled at him. "That's it, I WAS going to give you a try before dinner, but now I'll just eat you right away."
And that was when the golden retriever reached out with a paw, and pressed the squeeze bottle. It sprayed on her, and Buffy was transformed back into her normal self. "YES!" she shouted. "I'm ME again!" She then realized what she was wearing: an ill-fitting doggie outfit, over the long T-shirt she'd gone to bed in, and a dog collar around her neck. *And WEIRDLY dressed!* she added mentally.
Sheila froze, shocked. Circe started reaching for something and shouted "NO! My creatures, DESTROY her! I command it!" The cougar and the jaguar leaped at Buffy; the Irish wolfhound hesitated.
Buffy immediately sprayed the formula over the wolfhound, and then leaped over to the table. Angel changed back to normal; the two big cats turned toward Buffy, but stopped when she grabbed the moly off the table. Simultaneously, Sheila yelled, "I've still got Xander! Don't do anything, or he's dead!", while Circe tossed the object she was holding, and smoke filled the room.
The smoke quickly disappeared. Circe, Buffy holding the moly, the three vampires Angel, Sheila, and Dalton, and the various animals were unaffected; but a weasel and a cat were now present, and Sheila found herself clutching a hyena. The hyena snapped at her; cursing, she dropped it and fled outside, where the sun had just set.
Angel grabbed Circe, and dragged her over to Buffy. The menagerie remained still, as Buffy continued to hold the moly, and Dalton just stood there nervously.
"Very well," Circe said. "You have defeated me in battle. Release me, and I shall restore your compatriots."
"We've already GOT the stuff to do that," Buffy said, holding up the squeeze bottle. "And I've had a REALLY bad day, and it's YOUR fault. So if you don't have a better offer than that..."
"Then I shall tell you what you do not know, about your great enemy, she who leads the vampires."
"Sheila?" Buffy asked. "She's no big deal."
"The one called Sheila was merely seeking power, while their true leader was preoccupied. Their true leader is ..."
Circe was interrupted, by Dalton's reciting a phrase in Ancient Greek. Circe screamed, and a blinding light engulfed her. When the light vanished, Circe had vanished, and Dalton had fled.
Buffy looked at Angel. "Now what was THAT?"
"Dalton's the one who summoned Circe here in the first place," Angel said. "He must have had a way to banish her, back to wherever she came from, to keep her from telling us whatever she was going to tell us about whoever the vampires' new leader is."
"Well, that's clear, except for all the wherevers and whatevers and whoevers. So do we... NO!" Buffy leaped across the room, ending up holding the cat by the tail, and the mouse in her other hand. "Willow was almost dinner again," she said. She looked at the cat. "Dinner for an arrogant, pampered-looking cat; it's gotta be Cordelia. First thing, we have to change everyone back." She looked again at what she was wearing: doggie outfit, T-shirt, dog collar. "And second thing, I've got to get some normal clothes on. Even though it's REALLY good I wasn't NAKED when I changed back, still..."
"Not to be repetitive, but here," Angel said, giving her his jacket. "Is that better?"
Buffy put the jacket on. "Some; could I have your pants, too? Um, never mind, forget I said that." Flustered, she put the cat down and picked up the spray bottle. "We, um, we should change them back, starting with, let's see, oh, definitely Willow first. She's come too close to being a bite-size snack food too often." Buffy put the mouse down and sprayed it, restoring Willow to normal (and wearing the same clothes she'd had on in the library).
"Buffy, what..." Willow said, confused. "I was with Giles, in the library, and then I was really small, and I couldn't think, and there was this huge horrible winged thing after me. I got scared, and I hid, but then I was eating cheese? And after that I was in this little space, but that was sort of nice, like being close to someone, and then I was here, and..."
"You got turned into a mouse, Will," Buffy said. "Yeah, I know, I'll explain everything later."
"Okay," Willow said uncertainly, then she realized something. "Buffy! You're not a dog anymore!"
"That's MORE explanation for later. First, we've got a lot more people to fix up."
"All right," Willow said, then she mused "I was a mouse? Really? I, um, I didn't like it. It's, it's not good being a mouse."
"Then I'll try to avoid it, myself," Buffy said. "Now, let's round up the livestock."
Xander was next to be restored. "Okay, before you ask," Buffy said, "you got turned into a hyena."
"Whoa, it's deja vu all over again," Xander said. "This time, did I..."
"Actually, all you did was snap at Sheila," Buffy said, "and she left. Hurriedly."
"Well, good," Xander said. "She was going to drink my blood, although possibly she WAS going to seduce me first."
"Seduce is too gentle a term for it," Angel said. "Normally a human would NOT appreciate, um, being with a vampire." Buffy looked at him, and he added, "Well, with exceptions."
"And speaking of that exception," Xander said, "before you fix everybody else up, I would REALLY like to clarify something. I was making an effort NOT to watch, but Buffy, when you and Angel, when you were dogs, you didn't, you couldn't have..."
"No, we didn't, okay," Buffy said testily. "Angel was a dog, too, and there WAS a, um, something between us. And that was, well, strong enough that I wasn't listening to Circe anymore."
"The love between you was stronger than her power," Willow said dreamily.
"Not love, just hormones," Xander interjected. "And DOG hormones at that."
"Well, ANYWAY," Buffy continued. "We, um, we almost started doing, well, you know, but then I snapped out of it."
"And that was because your strong moral principles told you it was TOTALLY wrong, in EVERY way?" Xander suggested.
"No, that was because I'm not a MORON," Buffy replied. "There were PEOPLE there. Vampires, Circe, YOU. And then Cordy and Ms. Calendar came in here, too. No WAY my first time is going to be in front of an AUDIENCE! And as a DOG, yet. You know what kind of bizarro psychological complex I'd have gotten from that?"
"So the most powerful force in the world," Xander said "that overcomes everything else, is..."
"Incredible embarrassment," Buffy finished. "Now, can we finally get back to fixing everybody up?"
"Yeah, okay," Xander said. He looked at the animals, still being held at bay by the moly, and saw hissing and growling going on between Napoleon the dog and the cat. "We'd better stop that dog and cat fight."
"I think the cat's Cordelia," Buffy said. "She's so fond of that dog, maybe she should get a chance to see what he's REALLY like." She paused. "Okay, I guess not." Buffy sprayed the cat, restoring Cordelia.
"Better do the dog, too," Xander suggested. "Just in case."
"Do what to which dog?" Cordelia asked, confused. "You mean MY dog?"
"This is the restoring formula," Buffy said. "Maybe we SHOULD check Napoleon, just to make sure he isn't..."
"He's a REAL dog!" Cordelia said emphatically. "Not a werewolf dog, not Willow, not a transformed anything else, a... real... dog!"
"But just in case," Buffy said, and gave Napoleon a squirt. And he immediately became annoyed, and scratched the spot she'd sprayed, while remaining otherwise unchanged.
"You see!" Cordelia shouted. "A REAL DOG!"
"Okay, OKAY, we know that. Now," Buffy said.
"We knew that BEFORE!" Cordelia said. "I knew that before, I SAID that before, I've got papers for him going back for generations, ..."
"OKAY," Buffy said, "don't go mental. Just chill."
Cordelia humphed and turned away, while Xander muttered something about the utility closet and asking if Cordy was SURE about Napoleon.
Buffy turned to the owl. Opening the cage, she sprayed the owl as it came out, and Giles resumed his normal form, tweed jacket barely rumpled. "Good lord," he said, "what an extraordinary experience. I only remember parts of it, though. But I seem to recall, Willow! Is she all right?"
"I'm fine, Giles," Willow told him.
"But you did try to eat her," Cordelia said. "Literally, thank heavens."
"What?" Giles said, then "Willow, I actually tried to EAT you? I'm so sorry, you know I never would..."
"It's okay," Willow said. "I guess everyone, um, hasn't been themselves lately."
"To the max," Buffy agreed. "Now, that leaves..." she looked around. "Oh, the big cats and that, um, weasel, I think it is. The weasel must be Ms. Calendar, though I wouldn't think of her as particularly weasely or weaseling or whatever. Oh, who cares?" She restored Jenny, then turned to Giles. "The big cats there; I guess they're other people Circe changed. How should we..."
"If you give me the restoration formula," Giles said, "the rest of you can leave, and I'll restore them and handle any questions. Part of a Watcher's job; 'covering up,' you'd call it." Xander muttered something about 'Men in Tweed'.
"Fine," Buffy said, "take the stuff, take the moly, I just want to go home, and do HUMAN things."
"Like change your clothes?" Cordelia suggested. "Or is early rummage sale going to be your new look?"
Buffy glared. "Forget the clothes," she said, "what about my Mom? She's gonna call tonight, so how do I tell her why I missed school today?"
"Tell her you weren't feeling well," Xander suggested. "Just say you were sick as a dog."
Buffy groaned. "Let's just GO," Buffy said. "NOW." The group filed out of the building, leaving Giles to finish up.
Outside, Xander turned to Buffy. "Um, one question. That stuff you sprayed on everyone to change them back. You used it on Angel too, right?"
"Yes, what about it?" Buffy asked.
"So does that make you Buffy the Vampire Sprayer?" Xander said, grinning. And Buffy hit him with her purse.
The End
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