INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
Xander is in the process of taping up two boxes for shipping.
XANDER
All right! Two boxes down.
ANGLE ON: The rest of the room
The room is covered with weird and arcane items from the
Vizier's Sanctum. Too numerous to mention. Liv and Maya are
busy trying to catalog everything.
XANDER
Only 100 billion more to go.
MAYA
What exactly is the point of this excercise?
LIV
Ms. Rosenberg thought that all the attacks
we've had lately might be related to the
warlock who kidnapped Dawn. So we're packing
it up for analysis at the council
headquarters.
MAYA
Couldn't we just have a yard sale?
XANDER
Trust me. The people who show up to buy this
stuff are people you don't want to know.
MAYA
(holding up a shriveled object)
Okay, what the heck is this?
LIV
(observing)
Looks like a monkey's paw.
Maya drops it like it was on fire.
MAYA
Okay. I have to go disinfect.
She heads toward the kitchen.
MAYA
Where's the bleach and hydrogen peroxide?
Xander starts packing up another box.
LIV
Are you sure all this stuff is safe?
XANDER
Well, Willow and Dawn took most of the...
(picks up a strange looking object and makes
a face)
believe it or not... the stranger and
weirder stuff. What we have left is...
Xander picks up an object which makes a skittering noise and
begins to move around in his hand.
XANDER
(screaming)
Gaah-ahh-ahh!
Xander grabs a nearby bookend and starts smashing it against
the moving object until it is pretty squished. All the time
screaming like a little girl. When he's done he shakes his arms
all around and is breathing heavy.
XANDER
Oh god. That's just WRONG!
LIV
So what you're saying is everything is
perfectly safe.
XANDER
(breathing hard)
Yes. Perfectly. Excuse me while I go
disinfect.
(walking towards kitchen)
Maya! Don't bogart all the bleach!
Liv smiles, shakes her head and goes back to cataloging. As we
PAN over the pile of junk, we come to the set of boxes Xander
taped up. Through the cracks of the box, a strange glow begins
to throb.
EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETARY - NIGHT - LATER
Liv is battling a vampire and not doing well. Xander stands out
of the way and watches the battle.
XANDER
Careful Liv!
Liv blocks a punch, but ends up taking two more and a
roundhouse kick before being knocked to the ground. She rolls
away and pops back up only to take two more punches and a boot
to the head.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
Through the cracks of the box, the glowing suddenly reaches a
flash point and then the glow disappears disappears.
EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETARY
Xander is about to jump into the fray when his eye flashes and his body glows all over. Xander doubles over for a second, then straightens up and shakes his head like he's trying to clear it.
The vamp throws another roundhouse kick, but Liv successfully
blocks it and throws the vamp off balance. Before the vamp can
recover, Liv nails him with a stake and dusts him. Liv falls to
the ground in exhaustion, breathing heavily.
XANDER
What? You going to puke now?
Liv gives Xander a hurt, reproachful look.
XANDER
You know what kid? I think its time to be
honest with each other. I'm supposed to be
the guardian of the chosen one. You are
obviously not it.
LIV
What?
XANDER
You're just not cutting the mustard. Or even
the cheese for that matter.
(laughs hysterically)
So go home, have a cup of cocoa and don't
bother me again.
Liv breaks out into tears and runs off and Xander starts
laughing hysterically.
EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - LATER
Lucy's car zooms recklessly up in front of Xander's house. Lucy
jumps out of her car in her pajamas and a coat and slams the
door angrily behind her. Liv is trailing her, still crying.
LIV
Mom! No!
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAINROOM
Lucy kicks the door open and storms into the room.
LUCY
Okay Sparky! Just who do you think you are
telling those things to my little girl?! I
am so going to kick your...
(reacts in horror)
Oh my god!
Lucy turns her head away. Liv is equally revolted.
LIV
Mr. Harris! What are you doing?
ANGLE ON:
Xander is standing in front of the refrigerator eating what
appears to be a raw bloody steak. His is covered with the blood
from the steak. He smiles and throws the meat on the counter.
XANDER
All right!
(pulls a large chef's knife off of the
knife holder)
Fresh meat!
Xander charges them laughing manically... almost hyenalike. Liv
and Lucy scream in horror as we...
END TEASER
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOSE - MAIN ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Xander charges at Lucy and Liv with the knife as the girls
scream.
LUCY
Xander! What the hell are you doing?!
LIV
Mom! Get back!
Xander charges at Liv with the knife. Liv blocks the knife,
grabs Xander by the shoulder,gives him a knee to the groin and
finishes him off with an uppercut to the head. Xander falls
like a sack of potatoes.
LUCY
Whoa! "Not cutting the Mustard" my ass! You
were fantastic!
LIV
I was pretty good, wasn't I?
LUCY
That knee to the groin thing wasn't personal
was it?
LIV
Maybe a little.
LUCY
(hugging her daughter)
That's my girl.
Xander moans and starts to move around.
LIV
There's some rope up in the weapons cabinet.
Can you go get it, while I watch him?
LUCY
Sure. What's wrong with him?
LIV
I don't know. Maybe you should get the bag
Ms. Rosenberg gave us as well
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAINROOM
Xander is tied up in a chair, still unconscious. Liv is going
through the bag of spells. Lucy approaches with a mug of tea
from the kitchen.
LUCY
Did you find anything?
LIV
Well, there's several locator spells,
protection spells and negation spells, but
I'm not sure what's affecting him is even a
spell.
LUCY
Ooo! Ooo! Hang on. Where is it?
Lucy pulls out the magic 8 ball.
LUCY
Is he under a spell?
The answer: Yes. Definitely.
LUCY
Yes. Definitely.
LIV
Okay. Then I just need a...
Liv reaches into the bag and pulls out a pencil.
LIV
...negation spell! Here we go.
LUCY
That's a pencil.
LIV
Are you doubting me?
LUCY
I'm just saying, that's a pencil.
LIV
Watch and learn grasshoppa.
Liv walks over to Xander and breaks the pencil right in front
of him. The pencil dissolves into smoke and is absorbed into
Xander's body. His body glows for just a second and Xander
moans and begins to wake up.
LUCY
Did it work? Did that glowy thing work?
LIV
I don't know. Ask the 8 ball.
LUCY
Is he free of the spell?
(checks answer)
Yes.
LIV
Are you okay Mr. Harris?
XANDER
(groans)
Someone get the number of that train?
LIV
That was me.
XANDER
I'm sorry kiddo. I don't know what came over
me.
LIV
You were under a spell.
LUCY
Do you remember what happened?
XANDER
Yes, I...
Lucy smacks Xander across the face. Hard.
LUCY
Don't ever do that to my daughter again!
XANDER
Ow!
LIV
Mom! He was under a spell!
LUCY
(apologetic)
I know. Sorry. Parent thing.
XANDER
It's okay. Liv, I'm so sorry. You know I
would never say or think those things.
Liv, relieved, hugs Xander with gusto.
LIV
Thanks, Mr. Harris!
XANDER
(strangled)
S'okay. Liv? Gotta breathe here.
LIV
Sorry.
Lucy unties Xander.
LUCY
You going to be okay?
XANDER
Well, now that the spell's broken the only
thing I have to worry about is the three
pounds of raw steak I just ate.
LUCY
Ewww.
LIV
Where did the spell come from?
XANDER
I don't know. But now that it's broken we
shouldn't have anything to worry about. Why
don't we get a good night's rest and worry
about it tomorrow after practice.
LIV
Okay.
LUCY
Why don't you pack up honey and we'll head
home.
Liv starts packing up some of her gear. Lucy steps closer to
Xander.
LUCY
(sweetly)
Sorry about the slappy thing.
XANDER
(smiles)
It's okay. Parent's perogative.
They share a moment. Liv notices and clears her throat.
LIV
I'm just going to wait out in the car so you
two can... talk.
She leaves.
XANDER
She's on to us.
LUCY
I know.
They kiss.
XANDER
See you tomorrow?
LUCY
Only if you promise not to attack me. And
not in the good way. Just the bad way.
XANDER
Deal.
They kiss again and go their separate ways. Lucy leaves out the
door and Xander passes by the stack of boxes. As he passes, the
mystery box once again begins to glow.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BED ROOM - NEXT DAY
Xander lies in bed, pale, sweaty... obviously sick.
LUCY(OS)
Sparky?
XANDER
Up here.
Liv and Lucy appear at the top of the stairs.
LUCY
How you feeling?
XANDER
Oooooo.... I can't believe I ate the whole
thing.
Maya walks up behind Liv carrying a Polo doll from "Smile Time"
and some shirts from a dry cleaner.
LIV
Does this mean training is a no-go today?
XANDER
Nope. I've got Brad coming over to spar with
you today.
MAYA
Great, another afternoon of cleaning drool
off of Liv's chin.
LIV
That's not...
Liv looks over at Maya, sees the puppet and freaks.
LIV
Gah-ah-ah!
(points at puppet)
What are you doing with that?
MAYA
Oh for crying out loud Liv, it's a puppet.
The dog puked on it and my Mom sent it to
the cleaners so my little sister wouldn't
get dog cooties. I don't know what your
damage is.
LIV
They give me the heebie-jeebies.
MAYA
You feeling better, Mr. Harris?
XANDER
Not really. Thanks for picking up my dry
cleaning.
LUCY
Maybe you would feel better if you got up
and moved around a little bit.
XANDEE
The last time I moved around, I threw up my
spleen.
Lucy starts moving Xander into a sitting position, with Xander
moaning and groaning the entire time.
LUCY
Don't be such a freakin' baby.
Brad shows up at the top of the steps.
BRAD
Hey Mr. H!
Liv turns and watches Brad with a dreamy expression. Maya rolls
her eyes.
XANDER
Thanks for coming in Brad.
BRAD
It's your dime. What do you have going on
downstairs? Looks like a warehouse for a
horror movie. You having a yard sale?
XANDER
Uh... yeah. I'm selling my collection on EBay.
Hey Brad, when you train Liv today,
make sure you go over how an opponent
telegraphs their moves before they attack.
BRAD
Sure thing Mr. H.
(makes eyes at Maya)
See you upstairs, Ladies.
Brad heads upstairs. Liv watches him go.
XANDER
Liv, make sure you pay attention to Brad
today. Okay? Liv?
Liv is in her own little world.
MAYA
I don't think that's going to be a problem.
Maya sticks the puppet in Liv's line of sight.
LIV
Gah!
(hits Maya in the shoulder)
Stop that!
MAYA
Ow! Hey! Slayer strength!
LUCY
Come on girls. Let's get upstairs
(to Xander)
Go make yourself a cup of tea. You'll feel
better.
Lucy and the girls head toward the stairs.
XANDER
Aren't you a nurse? Shouldn't you take care
of me and give me sponge baths?
LUCY
I'm off duty. Get your ass out of bed.
The ladies all head upstairs. Xander pulls himself out of bed.
XANDER
All the cute nurses in the world and I'm
dating Nurse Ratched.
LUCY (OS)
I heard that!
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN
A tea kettle is firing up on the stove. Xander sits at the
kitchen island, trying to stay upright.
ANGLE ON: The glowing Box
The box continues to glow and then pulses another flash of
light.
INT. xander's firehouse - kitchen
Xander doubles over in pain, his eye glows and a flash of light
envelopes his body.
XANDER
OOOooooo.
The phone rings and Xander fumbles with the phone.
XANDER
(weakly)
Hello? Diane? Hi. How do I feel? Like I'm
the gum on the bottom of someone's shoe
that's being scraped off.
(beat)
What am I wearing? Uh.. sweatpants and a
scuzzy t-shirt.
(beat)
Why would I want to know what you're
wearing?
Xander's eyes bug out of his head and drops the phone based on
what Diane says next. Xander picks up the phone.
XANDER
Uhh.. Diane I've got to call you back
because....
Xander can't think of anything and just hangs up. The tea
kettle whistles and Xander takes it off the burner.
XANDER
Where the hell did that come from?
Xander starts to pour water into the mug.
LUCY (OS)
(seductive)
Hey, Sparky.
Xander turns to see LUCY dressed in nothing but one of his
dress shirts, buttons undone almost to her navel. Xander misses
the mug and pours hot water all over the floor.
XANDER
Yah! Whoa! Hey there. You startled me!
LUCY
I thought I'd come down here and we could...
play doctor.
XANDER
Wha-huh?
Lucy struts her stuff and walks over to Xander and starts
nuzzling him
LUCY
It was all I could do not to rip your
clothes off in front of the girls.
XANDER
What are you talking about? I look like
crap, I smell funky and I'm sweating like
there's no tomorrow.
Lucy plants a big kiss on Xander's lips. It takes his breath
away.
XANDER
And you really don't care.
LUCY
(seductive)
I like my men nice and sweaty.
LIV (OS)
Mom!
Lucy turns to see her daughter at the bottom of the stairs.
LIV
Mom! What are you doing?
LUCY
I'm taking care of Mr. Harris.
LIV
You're trying to sleep with him!
LUCY
Well, he is my boyfriend.
LIV
Well, he's my watcher and he loves me more!
LUCY
(outraged)
Is this true? Are you seeing my daughter
behind my back?
LIV
He may be my watcher, but my love for him
burns with the heat of a thousand suns!!
XANDER
Have you two lost your minds?!
Maya appears at the top of the stairs dressed like Lucy.
MAYA
Hey, Mr Harris. Feeling better?
LIV
Back off Maya! He's mine!
XANDER
Oh... Oh... This is just all sorts of wrong.
This is like...
(epiphany)
Oh my god...
Xander staggers into the..
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
Xander starts digging around the room looking for something.
Lucy, Liv and Maya follow him.
LUCY
Honeybear, did you need something?
LIV
My undying love?
MAYA
My succulent body?
Xander finds the spell bag and starts rummaging through it.
LUCY
What are you looking for dearest?
Xander pulls out another spell pencil and breaks it, wih the
same special effect as before. The affect on the women is
immediate... They all freak.
LIV
Omigod! What was I saying?
Lucy and Maya busy themselves by trying to cover up.
LUCY
Sweet Jesus, what the hell is going on here?
Xander collapses onto one of the couches and grabs the magic
eight ball.
XANDER
Is this what I think it is?
(reads answer)
Crap.
MAYA
What the hell just happened?
XANDER
A spell.
LUCY
A magic spell?
XANDER
No. A spelling bee where every woman I know
shows up in her underwear and asks for the
meaning of words and how to use them in a
sentence.
LIV
I did not show up in my underwear!
LUCY
No, your love for him just burns with the
heat of a thousand suns.
Maya laughs.
LIV
You want to say something Miss "Succulent
Body"?
Maya stops laughing.
MAYA
I... uh... I'm going to change into
something less embarrasing.
Maya runs upstairs.
LUCY
What spell was cast on us?
XANDER
Not on you, on me. It was a love spell that
was cast on me in high school, but there's
more to it. It's also the spell that was on
me last night where I was possessed by a
hyena. The reason I'm sick is because of an
ancient curse from the Chumash Indian tribe.
LUCY
I think he's delirious.
LIV
And you're prancing around in your underwear
because...?
LUCY
Okay... Good point.
XANDER
Something is causing these spells to be
reinstated and we need to find out before...
Xander starts feeling weak.
LUCY
Before what?
Xander doubles over and the strange flash of light envelopes
his body again. He collapses back on the couch next to a
blackened set of bones from the vizier's cave.
LUCY
What the hell was that?
Xander shakes his head and looks around puzzled. He turns and
sees the bones next to him and screams like a little girl. Liv
approaches him and gently touches him on the arm.
LIV
Mr. Harris?
Xander jumps at the touch and looks at Lucy and Liv like he
doesn't know them.
LIV
Mr. Harris? What's wrong?
XANDER
Where am I?
LIV
You're home, Mr. Harris
Xander looks at all the magical parahernalia in the room and
then back at Lucy and Liv.
XANDER
Who's Mr. Harris?
LUCY
Okay... Now he's delirious.
END ACT I
|
|
|
|
Rave
Barbie Girl (Becca)
biscuit07
Filmtheory (Jim)
Malice (Jess)
MebbtheScribe (MichaelB)
Reset (Allie)
Shay (Marrisa)
somnambulist29 (Shea)
Stephanie Loss
Wendyness (Wendy)
Questions?Contact Us
|
|
All stories on this site have been archived with the authors' consent. Do not copy these stories for your own uses without the express consent of the author themselves. Buffy the Vampire Slayer TM and Angel TM are © UPN, WB, Fox and its related entities. All photos on the site are © UPN, Fox, Warner Bros, and/or their respective owners. No profits are being made by use of these images.
Powered with the assitance of eFiction.
|
|
|
