Giles
I read so many Watcher’s diaries preparing for my Slayer. The famous ones I’d read so many times before were like old friends, it was like rediscovering a part of me I’d thought I’d lost. Reading about Isabelle Cara, and her Slayer Catrina, who defended their town so bravely against the hordes of vampires sweeping through northern France, slaying the last fiend with their dying breath. Adelle, the Slayer who trained an army of Hunters - those who want to help the battle, but lack the Slayer’s gifts... There are many others, too numerous to recount.
I read the tales of the little-remembered Slayers too - the ones who had achieved no great feat, the ones who’d simply done their duty and died. But in their own way, all were special.
I spent countless hours in the weeks leading up to Buffy Summers’ arrival in Sunnydale wondering what she’d be like: quiet but deadly, sharp and intelligent, loyal and dedicated... Buffy was quite a shock. I searched through all the diaries but nowhere could I find anything to help me. There had simply never been a Slayer like her. She was... unique. Smart and brave and witty and, despite her gripes, devoted to her duty. She was so strong, so gifted. So powerful. She vanquished so many demons with a flick of her wrist, accompanied by a flip of her hair, a snappy comeback...
I think I... I think we all started to think she was invincible. She defeated the Master, and the prophesy that foretold her death... I was so terrified that day. When I read those words, it felt like my world was crumbling.
I’d dedicated much of my life to the Slayers, and when I finally received the assignment to guide my very own... Well, I was delighted, to say the least. It was such an honour.
There’d been prophesies about this one... I wasn’t supposed to mention them to her. I kept that vow, and never revealed her true destiny. The prophesies were for the most part exceedingly vague, but some of the phrases stayed with me. They comforted me through all the times I feared for her. “She shall unite the darkness and the light” I suppose it’s fairly obvious in retrospect what that meant... her relationship with Angel. The prophesies didn’t mention what would result from this unity. “It is written in stone, the Slayer shall defeat all enemies, and shall be not defeated. Only her own self can cause the fall of the mightiest of all Slayers, legend among legends, hero of heroes. Many years shall she fight, many years shall she toil. The reward will be great, but greater still the price. So has it always been, but never more so than for this Slayer, goddess among champions.” That caused me great sadness, along with pride. It worried me terribly; I sometimes wished I’d known of it before she went to fight the Master.
There are dozens more, all pertaining to the ‘goddess among champions’. I sometimes wonder if I should show them to her, so that she knows how much she is honoured. I get many calls from Watchers all over the globe, anxious to meet the Slayer so highly spoken of in the prophesies. Mention is made of her by dozens of writers, oracles and prophets, seers and psychics. All tell of the great deeds she has yet to accomplish, and this gives me comfort: for, how can she die if she has yet to perform these feats? But then I recall the prophesy in the Pergamum Codex, once thought to be the only set of prophesies that could not be averted. If one of those could be set aside, what of all the others? True, she defeated it, but what of the others? Will they not defeat her?
I despise the knowledge I have accumulated sometimes, it fills my head with tales of renowned fighters who met their deaths, despite their strength, their skill, their bravery.
How can I hope to protect her?; she is only seventeen.
Although it is a heavy load; the fate of this innocent girl destined to dedicate her life to saving the world, I would not give it up for anything. Not even to have Jenny back... I love her. Buffy. Everybody does, after a while. She’s so hard not to love. She's good and brave, and I really should stop gushing about her so much. If anybody found this, I’d be mortified. But the truth is, words can’t express my feelings towards her, and about her, and about the honour of being her Watcher. She is so... Buffy!
I see the look in her eyes, that has been appearing more and more lately. Angel’s back, although I’ve yet to see him. He’s been staying out of my way... Out of everyone’s way. Especially Buffy’s. I know they all think I’m fairly oblivious to anything that doesn’t involve Slaying or books, but I see the pain in all their eyes.
They’ve grown up far too fast.
On the surface, little has changed. Buffy still risks her life to Slay demons, Willow still devotes large portions of her time to research on the computer, Xander still cracks his childish jokes... Although, a lot less regularly now. He’s so subdued, lately. I think it has to do with the enormous responsibility he’s taken on, with his involvement with Buffy.
I could see how Buffy was, since she lost Angel. She didn’t seem to be getting over him. Instead, she just got worse every day. She sank deeper and deeper. I began to fear the prophesy that she would die by ‘her own self’ may come true: maybe she’d lose all will to live, and simply let the next fiend to show up take her. But I didn’t know what to do. I felt so helpless, so desperate.
I didn’t want to lose her...
Maybe because I knew that losing her would be like losing a part of myself.
I could see it in all of their faces: Willow, Xander, Cordelia, even Oz. They all knew how deeply her death would hurt them. I think maybe some of them, particularly Willow, wondered if they’d survive. She was so important to us - she is important to us. I know there’s a lot of pain within the group now.
Buffy... I’m not sure what happened, but Angel came back. I noticed the difference in Buffy: she looked even more tired and anguished than she usually did, but she wouldn’t tell me what had changed. Even so, I noticed a subtle closing of ranks: the ‘Slayerettes’ as they used to call themselves, in lighter times, rallied around her.
She’d rarely been alone before, but it seemed that they were unconsciously guarding her, protecting her. If she ever had a class alone, there would always be someone waiting outside to walk her to her next class. When she stayed late to train, she’d always have someone to walk home with, who wouldn’t leave till she was safely home with her mother. Whenever she hunted, no matter how late it was, there were always at least two friends with her. Sometimes Oz and Willow, sometimes Cordelia and Xander, or Cordelia and Willow, a pairing which always surprised me. I was often with them.
But it was the times when it was just Buffy, Willow and Xander that warmed my heart the most. One on either side, a protective arm looped loosely around her shoulders or waist, a smile on Xander’s lips as he tried to amuse her with tales of his day, Willow’s face a mask of determination as she tried to help Buffy cram for whatever test was coming up.
Buffy looked so small and vulnerable, but I got the idea she was glad for their support, although she wasn’t happy about needing it.
She’d started asking me about other Slayers, other Watchers. I was happy to oblige, and she listened carefully to every account I narrated. I didn’t know then, but now I think I can guess what was going on in her mind. She was analysing her Slaying career, and comparing it with the ones I told her about.
And I’m fairly certain the conclusion she came to was this: the traditional ways are the best.
I think she believes she’s been selfish, putting her social life ahead of her calling. I think it has a lot to do with the unshakeable feeling that Angelus’ return was all her fault, and that if she followed the old rules, everyone would be a lot safer. I watched her watching them, slowly recovering from Angelus’ grip, the smiles, albeit tempered with a hint of pain, gradually returning. and I knew. She was coming to believe that she’d been the cause of their swift catapult into maturity. She hated that, and I realise now that her decision was made when she asked Willow why she wanted to sleep over so often, and the gentle redhead replied, Because I’m afraid to sleep at home.
Poor Buffy, someone should have made her see how much good she does. If she hadn’t befriended them, they may have died by now. But it’s too late; that girl is so stubborn, that now she’s made up her mind there'll be no budging her. I just wish I knew what she’d decided.
I’m grateful to Xander, for bringing my Slayer back from the brink, but I can’t help feeling sympathy toward him. I know what’s going to happen: Buffy was lost there for a while, but he’s helped her back, and she doesn’t need him any more. Now that she’s capable of standing on her own two feet, she won’t want to lean on him again. Plus, I think she knows she can’t ever love him, Good Lord, who doesn’t?, and she doesn’t want to break his heart any more.
A moment of weakness in a life built on hiding the pain to help others...
Poor Buffy. I want to tell her, Forget what other Slayers were like. It’s you that counts.
I’ve never heard of a stronger Slayer, and her strength comes from her circle of friends as much as from her gift. But if she’s determined to keep them out of her life, I won’t stop her. That’s one lesson she needs to learn by herself.
I’ll follow her anywhere. Not because of duty. Not because of pity. Not even because of loyalty. Simply because there’s nothing else I can do. She’s my destiny. She is my Slayer.
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