Xander
She hadn’t spoken to me since Willow told her I knew she was performing the spell, and she realised I’d hidden it from her. She’d give me injured looks, after she came back, but more often than not she wouldn't even acknowledge me. I think she actually just couldn’t see me.
My heart broke for her, but I knew it was for the best. No matter how much she hated me for it, I did the only thing I could. If she’d known he was... well, him, she couldn’t have done it. Not properly. She would have tried to fight him, but the whole time she’d be thinking, ‘Will he turn back? Will it work?’ And he’d kill her. I couldn’t let that happen.
I accepted her hatred, and later her indifference, and I accepted Willow’s sad looks, and Cordelia’s confusion. And I waited. I would have waited forever for her forgiveness, so you could have knocked me over with a feather when she gave me more than just forgiveness. She gave me love. Well, maybe not love. But she gave me herself, as much as she could.
When I kissed her, it was unconscious, I didn’t plan it. I didn’t mean to take advantage of her, so hurt, so lost, so alone, trying to hold the tears in. She looked so small, not the brave, emotionless Slayer I’ve come to know since she lost Angel. I know why she hid her feelings; she thought if we saw how much pain she was in... Oh, I don’t know. She thought we’d try to comfort her, or worry about her. She didn’t want us to see how close to the edge she was, but I knew. Somehow, despite her silence, and her icy walls I knew she was close to the edge, and maybe she wouldn’t be able to come back on her own. Maybe she needed a helping hand to bring her back.
So when I saw her, I realised she couldn’t hold it in anymore, and I did the first thing I could think of. I pulled her into my arms, and rocked her like a baby. I didn’t try to say anything, I knew words couldn’t help. I thought nothing could help her at that point, and I was so afraid of losing her. She was my strength, the one I could hold up and say, This is how it should be, this is what I want to be like. Strong and brave and loyal.
She was an example to us all. We all needed her so much, I don’t think any of us realised it. We need each other, no matter how much we try to deny it. Willow needs Buffy, and I need them all, and Cordy’s come to need us, and Giles... Well, Giles needs us like a family. We are a family, and I don't know what would happen if we lost her, any of us. Even Angel, we needed him too, and I can’t help wondering if maybe he should come back. He’s done some awful things but... I have to be honest, I understand it wasn’t him. Not really. He needs us too, and I don’t know if we have any right to deny him our comfort, and acceptance.
Even if it meant losing her to him.
I still can’t believe I have her. That when I brushed my lips against hers, she responded, kissing me back, even as I was pulling away, horrified at what I’d done.
After that, we knew we had to stay together. I knew it would hurt Cordy more than she deserved, but Buffy needed me. She needed someone to lean on, and no one could ever deny her anything, least of all me.
I still remember the pain on Cordy’s face when she found out. Willow’s shock, too tired to express the anger she felt at our betrayal. She hated me then, never before did she truly hate me, but when she saw us together... Saw how Buffy was clinging to me so desperately, and realised how cruelly I’d taken advantage of her...
But I can’t let her go. No matter how helpless she is to resist my offer of being there for her, no matter how much I’m taking advantage of her needy state, I can’t just push her away. She needs me, and even if she hates me for it later, I won’t desert her.
I have to face the truth though. Even if she doesn’t want him, this thing we have isn’t going to last forever. It probably won’t last much longer as it is... she’s getting stronger every day, and soon she’ll be ready to break free. And I’ll have to let her go, no matter how much it hurts. This is all such a mess.
We were supposed to protect each other from monsters and demons, but who will protect us from ourselves?
|
|
|
|
Rave
Barbie Girl (Becca)
biscuit07
Filmtheory (Jim)
Malice (Jess)
MebbtheScribe (MichaelB)
Reset (Allie)
Shay (Marrisa)
somnambulist29 (Shea)
Stephanie Loss
Wendyness (Wendy)
Questions?Contact Us
|
|
All stories on this site have been archived with the authors' consent. Do not copy these stories for your own uses without the express consent of the author themselves. Buffy the Vampire Slayer TM and Angel TM are © UPN, WB, Fox and its related entities. All photos on the site are © UPN, Fox, Warner Bros, and/or their respective owners. No profits are being made by use of these images.
Powered with the assitance of eFiction.
|
|
|
