Buffy
It’s funny, I used to think dates were so unimportant. Who cares whether I killed a vampire on a Monday or a Wednesday, or when my period was due? What does the date of the upcoming school dance matter. Now I know. It can mean the difference between life or death. In the world of the Slayer, dates are everything.
I guess Giles kinda rubbed off on me; now every night I go home and carefully record each confrontation of the hunt. Sometimes I even put the time down, if I had an opportunity to check my watch before the fight started. I always try to estimate how long each fight lasts.
It’s kinda funny, actually, sometimes, while I’m fighting some of the vamps He made, I count to myself - One-crocodile, two-crocodile, three-crocodile - I learned that trick in second grade to make sure you’re counting properly, ‘cause it was important then. You know, you can’t count too fast or else the others don’t have time to hide, and if you do it too slow, then people get bored of the game, or yell at you.
Anyway, I guess sometimes I just have to think about the easy, funny things, like crocodile-counting, to keep away from the bad things. Like...like Him. Huh, I seem to be writing about Him with capitals now. That’s how important He is; I can’t even write His name, but He gets a capital ‘H’. Sometimes.
Oh, God, I miss Him. So much it hurts. But what hurts even more is... I know He misses me too. He’s back from Hell. I haven’t spoken to... Well, we haven’t talked since.... since I sent my boyfriend to Hell. I found something about Hell, when I was looking through Giles’ books. Before I told them anything, when I still wasn’t sure... well, when I was pretty fucked up, actually. Something about how time is different there. He was there for centuries, millennia even.
But... I can’t feel guilty.
I did, for quite a while. You know, I sent my boyfriend to Hell, and I did it when he had his soul back. He wasn’t evil or to blame; he didn’t do those things. He didn’t deserve it. Maybe I could’ve just nicked him, but I... I knew it wouldn’t work. It didn’t just need his blood, it needed him. It would have sucked him in no matter what I did. But I sometimes wondered... would it have been better to stake him before he went? It would have set his soul free.
I wish I could tell you I gave some long thought to the matter, and carefully considered it, and finally came to the conclusion that I didn’t need to feel guilty. But actually, that’s not it at all. I just... stopped. Just like that. One morning I woke up, and I wasn’t sweating, or shaking, and my sheets weren’t twisted into some utterly tangled, sweaty mess. I had no recollection of nightmares, and that was a sure sign I’d slept nightmare-free - I always remember them if I have them. Some sort of Slayer survival sense - if you’re a girl who’s life depends on prophesies and visions, it’s pretty darn important not to forget the signs, I guess.
Anyway, I sat up, realised I’d slept straight through the night for the first time since... well, since I could remember, possibly since a couple weeks before Angel... before I had sex with Angel and turned him into Angelus by taking away his soul. One lousy moment of happiness. It was just sex, and no matter what he may tell me, I’m damn sure sex isn’t enough to free Brood-Boy from his guilty conscience. I wonder what it really was. Maybe... Maybe he finally felt really safe, after all those years. Maybe I gave him that before I lost him. I’d like to think so. It could be just that he loved me so much. my ‘sacrifice’ gave him a happy. I don’t know. I can’t really know unless he tells me, and I doubt that’s gonna happen.
You see, Angel’s back.
It happened the day after I woke up and realised I didn’t feel guilty any more. I just opened my eyes, realised I’d had no nightmares about Angel screaming in pain, or giving me that helpless, little-lost-puppy look that was somehow worse than anything else my subconscious could throw at me, and knew I didn’t feel bad about it anymore. It wasn’t even like I decided not to hate myself; I just didn’t. I don’t know why. Maybe I finally realised I wasn’t to blame.
And then the bastard came back. Talk about karma. I was finally over him, or at least I thought so, and there he was, practically on my doorstep. “Buffy, I’m back. I love you.” Well, not exactly. It got worse. The nightmares, the fear. The guilt. I wasn’t sure, but I think I started avoiding him first. Then he started avoiding me, and, well... It was a mutual thing.
I was in the library one day when I lost it. And Xander was there to pick up the pieces... He kissed me, and I didn’t stop him. Instead, I kissed him back. The first guy I’d actually wanted to kiss since I lost Angel. It was wonderful; a gentle, loving, tender kiss, and I don’t feel guilty for that either, even though it will probably tear us all apart - the Slayerettes. I’m in a place right now where I just can’t do it any more. Not the pain, or the grief, or the guilt. I’ve gotta heal. That’s why, when Angel saw us together, dancing at the Bronze, and just watched us the whole night with those mournful dark eyes, I didn’t leave Xander for him, or even try to explain. He knows, anyway. He understands, probably better than I do.
I... I don’t think we should stay together anymore, though. It’s not right. I can’t keep doing this, not to them. I guess I’ve grown up a little, and I’ve had to accept the truth - the only thing I really feel guilty about in all my time as the Slayer is for placing others in danger - Willow, Xander, Oz, Cordelia, my mom. Jenny. Giles is supposed to be my only back-up, so I’ve made the decision.
We’re leaving, me and Giles. He’s told me dozens of times about the other places Slayers have been, and could be needed. I wonder a lot about whether it’s a good idea for there to be only one... well, two now. With Faith. I mean, all those other places where there’s no Slayer; where no one is around to fight the Forces of Darkness. It kinda seems selfish for all the good guys to be centered in one part of the world... although I’m not so sure about Faith. She may be on the home team, but I get the impression she’d switch at a moments notice.
So I’ve decided to leave, with Giles. We’ll go someplace else, someplace we’re needed. And we won’t tell them where we’re going. It’ll mean leaving school, and my mom. But she’ll be safer if she has nothing more to do with the Slayer. She wasn’t supposed to have to deal with this. I guess I can finish school wherever I wind up, but I’m not sure it’s worth it. I have to accept the fact that as the Slayer, I’m never gonna have a normal life. A normal family... So what’s the point in finishing school? I should just dedicate my life to Slaying, the way Kendra did.
And I’ll do it alone; I cannot endanger anyone’s life unnecessarily anymore. I’ll miss them... all of them. But they’ll deal. They’ll understand. So will he. Angel will understand the best, I think.
He... he wants me back. Possibly almost as much as I want him. But we both know it can never happen. Neither of us can make the first move, and I don’t know why, but I think that’s how it’s supposed to be. I don’t think we’re meant to be happy, not together.
I guess that’s why, when he kissed me, I kissed him back, even after I knew Angel was back. Why I let him hold me as they all watch on, pain and grief and confusion in their eyes. Especially in Angel’s.
None of them understand why I’m doing this, why I’m hurting them all so much, but the truth is I don’t know. Not really. I guess I’m partly hoping it will drive Angel away, and make it so I don’t have to see his sorrow-filled eyes gazing at me at every turn, so sad and so *old*. So tired. We both know so much, and there’s so much to say... but we never will. Angel and I will never speak to each other again. We can’t, in case the closeness is too much, and we... And I let him know how much I need him. There’s no turning back, after that point. Angel and I... Well, I think everybody knows how that song goes. The only way for it to end is in destruction.
I’m not being melodramatic: Angel and I are fatal to each other. We’ll die together, if I don’t leave now, and I don’t want that. Romeo and Juliet... they were sappy, even despite the pain. They were okay with it. They’d rather die than be apart.
But me, I know I can handle being alone. I don’t want to die, not even for Angel.
I think, aside from Angel, the person who was hurt most is Cordelia. You wouldn’t think it - knowing how she reacted to seeing Cordelia and him together you’d think Willow would hate me the most, but it’s Cordelia who gives me the despairing looks, the childlike bewilderment. She doesn’t understand - she always knew, vaguely, that she wasn’t his first love. Or even his second, for that matter. Poor Cordelia, she always came in third-best with him, and nothing she ever did could change that.
I never meant to capture his heart, and when I did, I tried to set it free, but he couldn’t stop loving me; no matter how hard he tried, he always loved me best. And I took advantage of it, something no one can forgive. He couldn’t resist me if he tried, and that’s why Willow turns her quiet, hurt stare on me, when I’m in his arms. She knows he’s helpless, he may have kissed me that day, while I was weeping in the stacks, alone and scared. He may have been the one to take comforting too far, but I was the one who should have stopped it, pulled away and broken the kiss, and vowed never to tell Cordy.
Instead I welcomed him, and kissed him back. Poor, poor Xander, maybe I hurt him most of all. Because he knows, deep down, that I can’t ever love him. The only man I can is Angel... I will always love Angel. Xander knows he has no hold over me; he knows I’m only clinging to him, and yet he still stands beside me. He faces Cordy and Willow by my side, holding my hand tightly, and trying to protect me. Oh, Xander, who will protect you from me?
I have to leave, soon, and I can’t tell any of them. Maybe I’ll leave a note. “Sorry I ruined your lives so many times. I’ve gone to fight the good fight somewhere else. I want you to know that you owe me nothing - no understanding for the reprehensible things I have done, no sorrow at my departure, no forgiveness. I wish there could be another way...”
Maybe that’s a bit overdone. Maybe I should just tell them I’ve gone, and that they’ll never see me again. Let them work out their own feelings. I’ve been hanging around Giles too much - I mean, reprehensible? And now I’m just about to devote the rest of my life to spending it with him... and a few bloodsuckers.
He’ll come with me, he has to. It’s his duty. He’ll understand... well, maybe he won’t understand why I’m doing it, but he’ll realise it’s the only way, and he’ll come, because that’s what he does. The thing I did wrong last time I left was, I was running away from everything: my life, my responsibilities, Slaying. Now, I’m not running. I’m just moving on.
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