I don't own the characters; I hope you know who does. If you don't know who these belong to, why in hell are you on this archive? Okay, here's a tip: it says who owns these people on almost every other fanfic around. I'm too lazy to tell you, though. (Actually, in case I can get sued for this, Joss Whedon owns 'em)!
Author's Note: This is a series I'm writing in which the characters talk to an unamed (but hopelessly easy to manipulate) fanfic author about their ideal fanfic. I'm hoping to write one for most characters (and especially looking forward to doing Snyder's!)
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- Hey, psst.
- What? Oh, Xander. Hi. Look, I’m kinda busy right now, so-
- Wait! I’ve got a request. Pleeease? Pretty please, with sugar on top? Just listen?
- I am *way* too much of a push-over... Okay. What’s up?
- I saw that fanfic you did. For Buffy. Y’know, where she... got what she wanted.
- That probably pleased you no end. Buffy Summers wanting you.
- Nah... well at first it did. But the I realised, all she wanted was to have fun. I was just part of the group... nothing special. But I don’t care. Well, I do. But you can make it up to me.
- Uh-uh, no way. Nothing doing, no way, no how am I gonna-
- Write me a fanfic?
- No. It was a one-off, to cheer up Buffy. And after discovering what lengths one has to go to to cheer her up, I vowed to never write another fanfic to order.
- That’s not fair, I need cheering up too. How come she gets preferential treatment?
- This is gonna lead to bad things, isn’t it?
- You’ll do it? Great!
- Hey, hold up, jumping the gun a little aren’t you. I haven’t laid out the rules yet.
- Rules?
- Of course. You didn’t think I’d just give you free rein?
- You did to Buffy! She got whatever she wanted!
- It was a dream! Several dreams. Look, we do this my way or no way.
- Okay. Fine! Your way! Sheesh, fanfic writers can be so touchy.
- Hey! This is my free time! I could be spending it doing other fun stuff, or going out with my friends. Instead, I’m bullied into writing fanfic's for people who can’t be bothered to write their own-
--You know I’m bad at English! I think it’s a little unfair to expect--
- *As* I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted! Now, you be polite to me or else I’ll write a slash fic, in which I put you in a room with a majorly pissed off Cordelia, Buffy, and Willow! And if there is one more word of complaint, I will add Drusilla! Still under the influence of the love spell. Under the circumstances I intend to create, Buffy will be way too angry to want to rescue you from a psychic vampiress six cans short of a six-pack!
- Sorry, I’ll be good! Promise. ‘Six cans’? Isn’t the traditional phrase ‘two cans’?
- I’m adjusting it to allow for Drusilla’s *extreme* lack of anything resembling sanity. Now that you’ve decided to behave, we can get back to the topic. Don’t you just love the power we authors have over you? We can do anything, even... Well, I’m a little too kind for *that*. I usually draw the line at torture, it’s not my deal, but if you cross me...
- Sheesh, I get the picture! You are all-powerful, I kneel before your feet in the hope that you won’t... I mean, Drusilla! Ooohh.
- That’s all you needed to say. Now, the rules. It has to be believable, and if it’s not I’ll put it into a dream. They’re much more enjoyable when they really happen, trust me. In the fanfic, that is... Rule number two, nothing under-eighteens can’t read. That means no fantasy scenes with Buffy or Cordelia, or Willow, or any other female, *including* Amy Yipp at the waterslide park, unless it’s totally family-friendly. Very little bad language, preferably none, and no gratuitous violence. That means no Xander the Vampire Slayer alone in a room with a weakened Angel.
- How did you know about that?
- Oh, come on. If you can’t have sex with Buffy, what’s the next best thing? Beating up Angel.
- Gee, this is no fun.
- That’s the point. I’m hoping to persuade you to write it yourself.
- Myself? As in, work? Okay, I’ll agree to the rules. But I think I’ve found a way around the ‘nothing unbelievable except in a dream’ rule... Drum roll please... da da da da dum.. A prophesy! Xand-man is a genius! Yes! Those little babies can make *anything* happen. They are my ticket to 100% Xander fantasy.
- I’m listening, and worrying.
- Okay, this is what I want. You figure out the details. Giles discovers a prophesy that says Buffy loses her powers, and they get transferred to the nearest person. Before he can warn her and find someone good to get them, the transfer occurs... into me! I get the super-powers, and have to rescue Buffy, ‘cause... ‘cause, um....
- When it happened you were with her at the graveyard fighting vampires?
- Yeah! That’s perfect. We run to the nearest place of safety, a cave, and along the way we meet Cordelia, because I don’t want her feeling left out. Then, we’re hiding out in the cave because I can’t carry Buffy *and* fight the hordes of darkness (who are out in force by the way, explaining why I can’t take them. I want serious hordes, too much for even Buffy to take on, that way my manliness will not be questioned). I take care of the girls, calm them, and the comforting leads to *other things*.
- No way. I’m outta here if you aren’t gonna listen to the rules. I said no *other things*.
- Hey, wait! Don’t leave! I promise, I’ll settle for a couple of comforting kisses and hugs. Oh, by the way, the cave should be cold, so we need to huddle together for warmth... Don’t look at me like that!
- In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s California. No huddling required.
- You are just desperate to ruin my fun, aren’t you? The hordes of darkness can... I dunno, vanquish the heat with their terrifying magical powers, or something.
- There’s no point in writing this story now. You’ve done everything, there’s no room for surprising plot twists. No one will wanna read it.
- I don’t care. I just want it for myself. You don’t need to post it.
- Nope, I gotta fulfil my fanfic author duties. Besides, I want to see how Cordy gets her own back at you for including Buffy.
- Well, I’m supposed to ask for what I want in my ideal fanfic. Cordy knows I... enjoy Buffy’s company.
- Huh! Enjoy her company? You enjoy watching her when she’s all sweaty, and checking her out from behind when she walks away wearing one of those tiny skirts she loves.
- Okay, okay. So I’ve got a futile crush on Buffy, Vampire Slaying Goddess. So sue me.
- Okay, Xander, I’ll write it. You deserve a little fun. Everybody else is always getting what they want, or getting to be super-heroes... or getting the girl.
- Yes. ‘Or getting the girl’. I *never* get the girl. Or I get the crazy monster girl.
- What about Cordelia?
- I’ll get back to you when I’m certain she is actually human. It’s an interesting question. If Snyder makes next year’s science fair compulsory, despite what happened at the last one, I’ll give it thought. ‘Is Cordelia Chase human?’
- Okay. I’ll write your fic. I’m gonna regret it... but I’ll write it.
- Oh, thank you, thank you! Oh, fanfic authors are so... wow. Just wow. I get to read it first?
- Yeah. Sure. But you don’t get to tell me to edit it; I have final say on how it goes.
- Okay. I’d do anything for this fanfic. Oh, wow.
- If you’ll excuse me, I have a fanfic to write...
THE END
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