I don't own the characters; I hope you know who does. If you don't know who these belong to, why in hell are you on this archive? Okay, here's a tip: it says who owns these people on almost every other fanfic around. I'm too lazy to tell you, though. (Actually, in case I can get sued for this, Joss Whedon owns 'em)!
Author's Note: This is a series I'm writing in which the characters talk to an unamed (but hopelessly easy to manipulate) fanfic author about their ideal fanfic. I'm hoping to write one for most characters (and especially looking forward to doing Snyder's!)
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- So, what do you want me to do? I mean, am I gonna answer questions, or should I just talk?
- Talking is fine. I just want to get an idea of what you’re looking for. Remember, whatever you want to happen, I’ll give it a go. I can’t promise it’ll come out the way you expected, but I’ll try my best. All I want you to remember is that it has to be related to what’s going on in some way, and I have to be able to make it fly. At least have a touch of reality; no aliens from outer space who want you to be their queen, please.
- Sure. That’s a dumb fantasy, anyhow. Unless they’re cute aliens... Sorry! … Well, I’m feeling a little anti-serious-relationships at the moment, so I want to be cheered up. I want Angel to be... well, I’m a bit worried he’ll see this, and find out that... there was something about Angelus that just seems so, I don’t know, *sexy*. Sure, he wanted to kill me, and he was definitely *not* the guy you want to bring home to mother, but... he was so *exciting*...
- Let me get this straight, you want a story to cheer you up, in which *things* happen between you and Angel, but instead of being kind, gentle, cautious but - and even I will admit this - sometimes a little boring Angel, you want him to have... a dark streak?
- Yep, that about covers it. Angel with a dark streak. It sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it. You gotta admit, Angelus was a hottie. I can say that now. Now that he’s gone, and in no danger of returning. He was...
- Intoxicating?
- Yeah. That’s a great word to describe Angelus. Intoxicating. You see it too?
- Oh, yeah. I mean, Angel was always ‘let’s not do *anything*, in case something bad happens.’ Well, something bad did happen... but he had no idea it would. He was just being overly cautious. But Angelus, he’s an ‘anything goes’ sort of guy. Angel’s lack of homicidal urges, and tendency to adore you, plus Angelus’ willingness to take risks, *wow*. Well, I guess I did offer to write your ‘ideal’ story. I can see why you’d want that.
- Oh, there’s just one more *tiny* detail...
- Hmmm?
- I, uh, I don’t want *just* Angel-with-a-dark-streak. I want... more.
- More?
- Uh-huh. I want, uh, I don’t know... Oz.
- Oz?
- Yeah. Oz. I know he’s Willow’s, so nothing permanent... but maybe just a date. Can you give me just one little date? Or even just a couple of kisses. Oz is so adorable. That hair-thing? He looks good in any colour. And his voice? Not to mention his kissable lips...
- Uh-*huh*. Angel *and* Oz. Can you say ‘greedy much’? I mean, Angel’s not enough? You want Oz at the same time?
- God, no! If Angel’s gonna be slightly Angelus-like, I don’t want to put Oz in danger. Angelus had rather a lot of jealousy.
- So does Angel.
- Yeah, but he controls his urge to kill. If he’s part-way Angelus... who knows how well he’ll be able to control his jealousy. How well he’ll *want* to. I don’t want to endanger Oz. You can give him back to Willow after. She doesn’t ever need to know.
- Oh boy... Wait. There’s something more, isn’t there Buffy? Well, just give me everything. I have to admit, I’m feeling a little nervous. I’m not a miracle worker, you know, just a fanfic author who has the misfortune of a major generous streak. ‘Why don’t I offer to write Buffy’s ideal fanfic?’ I thought. ‘I’m sure it’ll be a piece of cake,’ I thought. I didn’t plan on it being so...
- Obsessive?
- Yeah. No! No, I *did* offer. It’s just, you want *more* than Angel and Oz? What else is there? Winning a daytime Emmy? But I did promise... and you are feeling a little low. So, anything I can do to help out.
- Thanks. I appreciate this. Okay, here it is. I want... I want them all.
- Them all? Who all- Oh, no. No, no, no. You mean, *all of them*. Are you nuts?
- Well, you did ask what I wanted!
- Don’t keep on reminding me! What have I let myself in for? Oh, well, c’est la vie. Okay, one fanfic coming up. Content: Buffy Summers - hang on, how far d’you want this to go? Just dates, or... more? Kisses? Cups of coffee? Honeymoon in Vegas?
- I don’t wanna hurt any of my friends, so anyone who’s with someone, leave it strictly... well, nothing *too* bad, y’know? But the ones who are available...
- I get the picture. Okay, content: Buffy Summers has fun with *all* the male members of the group... hey, I’ve got an idea I wanna bounce off you. It would be nicer to Willow and Cordelia if I made this a dream.
- All of it?
- Well, not the parts with Angel, but that way, no permanent damage. You get everything you want, and Cordelia and Willow don’t come after you with an axe, ‘cause believe me, when those two get possessive, it ain’t pretty.
- Well...
- Hey, don’t get all reluctant on me. I’m just searching for a way to make this tonsil-hockey happen without hurting or injuring any of you. During the fic or as a result of it, say, any freak accidents with an axe...
- Well, okay, I get the picture. But not the part with Angel.
- Nope, that’ll be 100% real life. Well. Insofar as a fanfic *is* real life. Is it just me, or is creating a fanfic overly confusing. There are so many people you have to not upset. Or apologise for upsetting them in advance. Or thank them... you don’t wanna hear about the intricacies of writing the fic, do you? You just want me to write it. I’m feeling slightly used here... Oh, well. Back to the fic. I am *so* glad this is only one fanfic. I’m gonna go back to writing what I want next. Anything else?
- Well, actually... Is this gonna include Spike? And Giles? Cause...
- Oh. My. God. Buffy Summers, seventeen-year-old Slayer, gets cosy with a man old enough to be her father, and another guy who’s a *vampire*. *Without* a soul. Plus a werewolf who’s dating her best friend, another friend who’s dating *Cordelia*, and an ex-boyfriend who tried to kill her. Realistic isn’t a word you have a good understanding of, is it? Well, I’ll do my best. It’s not like you’re asking me to make you an actress. ‘Cause that’d never happen, you’d have too hard a time resisting your urges to beat everyone up. Now, on with the show...
THE END...
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